Monty Potter

Monty .... Potter?

~Chapter 2~

*The group continues walking, and soon find themselves at a point where the road is blocked by Bellatrix Lestrange in black armor*

Snape: Huh? What are you doing here?

*Lestrange is completely silent and unmoving*

Snape: Um, hello? Anyone in there?

*Lestrange continues to not do anything*

Snape: *annoyed* Look, I hate to interrupt your... meditation, or whatever, but we really need to press on...

Lupin: Seeing as how we're apparently on a quest now, and all.

Lestrange: None shall pass.

Snape: I beg your pardon?

Lestrange: None shall pass.

Snape: But look, I've really got to-

Lestrange: Then... you shall die.

Draco: ...What say we go another way?

Ron: I'm with the dead guy on this one!

Dumbledore: Oh, he can handle it, can't you Severus?

Snape: Well, I-

Dumbledore: *shoves him forward* Go on then!

Lupin: It was splendid knowing you, Severus.

Filch: I have absolute faith in you sir... but, just in case; I get to keep this pack if you die, right?

Snape: *grits teeth* Any time now...

Lestrange: *draws sword* Have at you!

*They fight for a bit, then Snape cuts off her arm*

Ron, Lupin, Draco: Eww!

Filch: *sitting on the ground and looking through the pack* Oh, drat... I mean, bully for you, sir!

Snape: Aha! I've won!

Lestrange: What are you talking about; 'tis but a scratch!

Snape: A scratch? Your arms off!

Lestrange: ...I've had worse.

Snape: You what?!

Lestrange: Come on then! *charges him*

Snape: *cuts off her other arm* Now victory is mine! *turns to the group* Now, stay out of my bag, you-

Lestrange: *rushes him* Raurgh!

Snape: What the- what are you doing?

Lestrange: Have at you!

Snape: What is your problem, woman!? You've got no arms left!

Lestrange: Yes, I have!

Draco: Boy, I knew Aunt Bellatrix was a little on the odd side, but seriously-

Dumbledore: Look, you're a brave woman, but the fight is clearly, Stephan's!

Ron: *whispers* He's getting worse.

Draco: No shit.

Lestrange: *kicking Snape* Have at you!

Snape: Look, I'll have your leg!

*Lestrange charges him*

Snape: Right, well- *cuts off her leg*

Lestrange: Right, I'll do you for that!

Snape: *stunned* You'll what?!

Filch: What are you going to do, bleed on him?!

Lestrange: I'm invincible!!

Snape: Oh, for the love of... *cuts off her other leg*

Lestrange: *lying helpless on the ground* Alright, we'll call it a draw.

*Snape smacks his forehead*

Dumbledore: *nods sagely* Seems fair!

Ron: *grabs Dumbledore's hand and leads him off* Come along, sir...

Snape: Yes, let's go. *gallops off followed by the others*

Lestrange: Oh, I see... running away, eh? You yellow bastards!! Come back here! I'll bite your legs off!!

*The group travels onwards until the come to a clearing*

Ron: Say, I just thought of something!

Draco: The pigs will be flying any minute now..

Lupin: *ignoring Draco* What is it?

Ron: Well, if we're on a heroic quest, don't we need more knights?

Harry: *bursts from the undergrowth* Did someone call for a hero?

Sirius: *falls out of a tree* Or two?

Draco: ... isn't he dead?!

Lupin: *laughs and pats Draco on the head patronizingly* No, silly boy... you are!!

*Draco smacks himself in the forehead*

Snape: Well, now that we have two more heroic knights, we need a goofy one.

Filch: Yeah... some idiot who'll always make the rest of us look good by comparison.

Dumbledore: *nods* A cowardly bumbling type.

Lockhart: *leaps out of the bushes, followed closely by Colin Creevey, who's wearing a silly hat with a feather and carrying an accordion* Did someone call for a brave and intelligent knight to single-handedly save the day... *strikes a pose* and look immensely good while doing so?

Lupin: He'll do.

Ron: Oh, yeah... definitely.

Snape: Right, that settles it then. *to Lockhart* the job's yours.

Lockhart: Huzzah!

Snape: *sees Colin* What are you supposed to be?

Colin: I'm brave Sir Lockhart's minstrel!

Ron:... with an accordion?

Colin: *shrugs* It's the only thing I know how to play.

Ron: Ah...

Snape: Well, onward then... to Hogwarts!

Draco: Er... *points* Isn't it just up the hill?

*Group looks up to where the castle looms over them*

Dumbledore: Hogwarts!

Harry: Hogwarts!

Sirius: Hogwarts!

Filch: Oh, it's only a model.

Dumbledore: Shh!

Snape: Onward to Hogwarts, where we will join the other knights of the Round Table!

Group: Right!

*They suddenly find themselves in the Great Hall*

Lockhart: Gyahh!!

Draco: What the... how did we?!

Harry: Did we just Apparate?!

Hermione: *pops out of a large basket propped against the wall* You can't Apparate on Hogwarts grounds!

Ron: Hermione?! I thought they burned you!

Dumbledore: she must not have weighed the same as a duck.

Hermione: no, they didn't burn me because someone pointed out the fact that we're all witches and wizards...

Ron: Oh, yeah...

Lupin: Duh, I'd forgotten that!

Snape: *irritated* You mean I could have just hexed Bellatrix instead of having to cut her limbs off?!

Hermione: ...you what?

Harry: Hermione, what are we doing here?

Hermione: Well, you're here for the show.

Lockhart: Show? There's going to be a show?

Hermione: Yes. Oops, it's almost time... I'd better go! *hurries off*

Colin: I wonder what kind of show it is...

Sirius: Maybe it's "Riverdance"!

Snape: God, I hope not...

Sirius: Hey, you got a problem with "Riverdance"?!

*He is cut off as a loud burst of music starts and several people jump onto the table*

Group: *singing* Ooooh...

Peeves: We're knights of the Round Table!

Nearly Headless Nick: We're bold!

Dobby: We're strong!

Hermione: We're able!

*They dance around on top of the table, crushing dishes and sending food flying everywhere.*

Harry: ... The hell?!

Snape: What is this!?

Dumbledore: I'm not sure... but it's highly entertaining!

*Bloody Baron bangs on several pots along the edge of the table*

Hooch: We're the knights of the Round Table!

Winky: We hand make chests and sequin vests!

Hagrid: And imitate Clark Gable!

Sirius: *whispers* Who?

Draco: Damned if I know...

*The dancing group moves up and down in unison*

Nearly Headless Nick: We're the knights of Hogwarts!

Hermione: We eat ham and jam and spam!

Grey Lady: And shorts!

Ron: Shorts?!

Lupin: *incredulously* Is that the best you could do?

Hermione: Hey, you try rhyming Hogwarts with "a lot."

Colin: Well, she does have a point.

*The dancers being doing the can-can in unison*

Lockhart: *clapping* Bravo! Splendid! Well done!

*Bloody Baron continues banging on pots and accidentally whacks one of the house elves on the head as they walk past with food.*

Harry: *winces* Oooh.

*Faint clapping noise; group turns around to see a very emaciated Cornelius Fudge chained to the wall and clapping his hands.*

Snape: Dare I ask how-?

Lupin: No, I wouldn't.

Dumbledore: *thoughtfully* Hmm.... *points at Fudge* Have we met?

*The other members of the group groan, smacking their foreheads and shaking their heads.*

Hagrid: We're the knights of Hogwarts!

Dobby: *in a surprisingly baritone voice* Dobby has to push the pram some ports.

Draco: Am I the only one who realizes that makes no grammatical sense whatsoever?

Lockhart: You're awfully observant for a dead guy!

*Draco sighs as the music works itself to a conclusion, at which, the dancers prance around a bit more and then take a bow.*

Hermione: Well, what did you think?

Ron: I have to say, that was the most idiotic thing I've ever-

*The group suddenly finds themselves on the hill beneath Hogwarts.*

Draco: Well Weasley... today was your lucky day.

Ron: Oh, what would you know about luck, Malfoy; you're dead!

Sirius: *cautiously pokes Malfoy with a stick* Is he really?

Draco: No, I'm not... but they all seem to think so.

Lupin: Oh, ignore him... he's dead alright.

*Draco mutters angrily*

Dumbledore: Say, weren't we going somewhere?

Filch: We were going to Hogwarts, remember?

Dumbledore: *stares at Filch* Hello, have we met?

*Filch growls and moves to strike Dumbledore with a coconut*

Sirius: *quickly grabs Filch's hand* Let's press on, shall we?

Lockhart: Right... to Hogwarts!

*The group moves as if to start up the hill, but they stop and stare at the castle, remembering the performance they just witnessed.*

Snape: On second thought, let's not go to Hogwarts... it is a silly place.

*The group mutters agreeably in unison.*

Snape: Let us press on. *starts galloping*

Colin: Yes, on with the adventure!