Monty Potter

Monty.... Potter?

~Chapter 1~

*One day at Hogwarts, Draco and Ron cross paths and get into one of their usual fights*

Draco: Well well, if it isn't the Weasel!

Ron: *growls* Stuff it, Malfoy! I don't need this today; I've got Quidditch practice!

Draco: Oh that's right...King Weasley's off to lord over his court of royal losers.

Ron: Look, Malfoy, I'm warning you...

Draco: What'll you do if I don't stop, eh? Go crying to your mother? Ask her to send me a sternly worded note?

Ron That's it!! *pulls out wand*

Draco: *laughs* Oh please...Let me guess; you're going to Avada Kedavra me.

Ron: Say, that's not a bad idea!

Draco: *stops laughing and his eyes widen* What?! You're not serious!

Ron: Why not? You've certainly earned it! Besides, Fake Moody said a wizard of my level couldn't actually kill someone with it.

Draco: But-!

Ron: Avada Kedavra! *flash of green light*

Draco: *dies*

Ron:.....Well, shit! *looks around and, seeing no witnesses, grabs Draco and drags his corpse outside* Now, to dispose of the body...

Lupin: *comes down the street, banging a cowbell and dragging a wooden cart behind him* Bring out yer dead! *bangs bell* Bring out yer dead!

Ron: ...Well that's certainly convenient...

Lupin: Oh, hullo Ron.

Ron: Didn't know you'd gone to work with Monty Python!

Lupin: Well, it is Britain.

*Ron and Lupin nod*

Draco: *blinks and wakes up a bit* ... Huh? But... I'm not dead!

Lupin: What's that?

Ron: *quickly* Nothing! Here, go on and take him.

Draco: *louder* I'm not dead!

Lupin: He says he's not dead!

Ron: Well, no...but really, it won't be long.

Lupin: But I can't take him like that; it's against regulations!

Ron: Well, isn't there something you can do?

Lupin: Hmmm... *bangs Draco over the head with a club*

Ron: Good job, mate.

Lupin: My pleasure. *throws Draco's "corpse" onto the cart*

Snape: *walks by pretending to be riding a horse* Onward, Patsy!

Filch: *following him, carrying a large pack, and banging both halves of a coconut together* For the last time, it's Argus; NOT Patsy!

*Snape approaches Ron and Lupin*

Ron: Where'd you get those coconuts?

Snape: Found 'em.

Lupin: Around here? The coconut's tropical.

Snape: So? Tropical birds fly here all the time, and I don't hear you questioning their presence!

Ron: ...are you suggesting coconuts migrate?

Snape: No, they could be carried.

Lupin: ...by what, a swallow?

Ron: Could a bird that small really-

Argus: *interrupting angrily* Oh for the love of- we went through this whole bit back at the castle down the road; do we really have to go through it again?!

*Snape, Ron, and Lupin begin arguing about swallows and their migration patterns.*

Argus: Arrrgh...

Draco: *sits up* But... I feel fine! Really... I think I'll go for a walk!

Ron: Oh, come off it!

Draco: No, really, I feel fine!

Ron: *rolls eyes* Please, you'll be stone dead in a minute...

Draco: I feel alive; I feel happy! I-

*Lupin bangs him in the head again, and Draco sways over unconscious*

Lupin: So... about those coconuts-

*Angry mob rushes by*

Snape: What's that then?

Filch: Who knows... but it's better than standing here and debating air speed velocities of swallows!

*Snape "gallops" off after the mob, followed by Filch, Ron and Lupin, who still drags his wooden cart. The crowd gathers around a wooden platform where Dumbledore is standing*

Percy: We have found a witch; may we burn her?

Ron: What's that Perce? Finally found yourself a date? *is quickly shushed by a furious looking Percy*

Dumbledore: A witch, hmm? How do you know she's a witch?

Parvati: *dryly* You mean aside from the fact she's female and carries a wand?

Dumbledore: Yes.

Oliver: Well, she looks like one!

Dumbledore: Really? Bring her forward.

*Crowd pushes Hermione forward. She's wearing a tacky paper hat and a carrot on her nose*

Hermione: I'm not a witch, I'm not! ...Not the kind you mean anyway...

Dumbledore: Ah, but you are dressed as one.

Hermione: *angrily* They dressed me up like this... and this isn't my real nose! *pulls off the carrot*

Dumbledore: Did you dress her up like this?

Oliver: No!

Padma: Well... maybe...

Goyle: A bit.

Oliver: *begrudgingly* We did do the nose...

Dumbledore: The nose...?

Oliver: ... and the hat. But she's a witch!

Dumbledore: But what makes you think she's a witch?

Neville: Well, she turned me into a newt!

Dumbledore: A newt?

*Everyone looks at Neville in silence, there is a long pause*

Neville: ... I got better.

Dumbledore: Well, there must be some way you can prove this...*thinks for a minute* What do you do with witches?

Percy: Burn them!

Crowd: *excitedly* Burn them! Burn!!

Dumbledore: *calms them down* But, what do you burn apart from witches?

Seamus: More witches! *elbowed into silence*

Filch: Wood!

Dumbledore: Ahh! So, why do witches burn?

*Pause*

Pansy: ...because they're made of wood?

Dumbledore: Good... so how can you tell if she is made of wood?

Colin: Build a bridge out of her!

Ron: Have to be an awfully small bridge, mate...

Colin: Oh, yeah...

Dumbledore: Does wood sink in water?

Pansy: Ah, no! It floats!

Lupin: I got it; we'll throw her into the pond!

Hermione: I think not!

Dumbledore: What else floats in water?

Dennis: Apples!

Crabbe: Gravy!

Neville: Bread!

Goyle: Small rocks!

Ron: Churches!

Snape *impatiently* A duck!

Dumbledore: Ahh! Yes, ducks float! So... *points at Oliver*

Oliver: Um... if... she weighs the same as a duck... then... she's made of wood?

Dumbledore: And therefore?

*Pause*

Filch: ...a witch!

Hermione: That is the most ridiculous plan I ever-

*cuts off as crowd drags her away cheering*

Dumbledore: *to Snape* Who are you, sir, who is so knowledgeable in ways of science?

Snape: Um, sir? I work for you.

Dumbledore: Really?

Snape: Yes, it's me, Severus Snape. You know, the former Death Eater who bravely risked life and limb as a double agent during the war?

*Dumbledore smiles at him blankly*

Snape: The Potions Master, whose reputation you're constantly defending?

*Dumbledore continues to smile dumbly*

Ron: The greasy haired bloke with no social skills who hangs out in the dungeon a lot.

Dumbledore: Ah, yes! Severus!

Lupin: *cheerfully* See, he does remember you!

*Snape mutters darkly*

Dumbledore: And I am Dumbledore!

Lupin: Um, we know...

Dumbledore: *shakes hand* Pleased to meet you.

Lupin: ... Sir, did you take your memory tablets today?

Dumbledore: *ignoring him* May I join you on your quest?

Ron: ...We're on a quest? *looks at the others* I didn't know we were on a quest!

Filch: Well, we are now...

Snape: *to Dumbledore* I suppose you can join us.

Dumbledore: Goody! Can I put my things in your cart?

Lupin: Yeah, sure... *starts poking bodies with the stick* Lemme just make some room...

Draco: *wakes up* But really, I-

Lupin: Wow, those post-mortem tremors are really bad with this one!

Snape: I'll say!

Draco: *frantically* But I'm not dead!!

Lupin: Sure, you're not... *moves to hit him again*

Draco: *shielding self with hands* Look, if I stay quiet, will you stop hitting me with that stick?

Lupin: Hmm, I suppose.

*Draco breathes a sigh of relief*

Lupin: *throws the stick over his shoulder; there is a screeching cat noise in the background* Here- *shoves large bag into Draco's hands* Hold Sir Dumbledore's things.

Snape: Let us press onward! *starts fake galloping*

Dumbledore: Say, that looks like fun! *mimics him*

Ron: *watching them for a minute and then sighs* Well, when in Rome- *starts fake galloping as well*

*Filch clops his coconuts, looking over at Lupin*

Lupin: Well don't look at me, I've got the cart. Can't gallop with a cart, now can you?

Draco: Glad I don't have to do such a stupid thing...

Lupin: Shhh, you're dead!

*Draco sighs and rolls his eyes*