One Million Times and Counting

One Million Times and Counting

It was just after dinner one night at the Burrow, and everyone had gone off in their separate ways. Remus returned to his favorite old armchair in the living room, intent upon finishing his latest novel; Ron, Ginny and Hermione went up to Ron's room; Mr. Weasley apparated back to the office; Bill and Fleur disappeared to Bill's room, presumably to write a letter to Gabrielle; and Molly and Tonks remained in the kitchen to clean up.

"Tonks, dear, how are things between you and Remus?" Molly's eyes twinkled as she set the dishes to work scrubbing themselves clean. "You two seemed to be having a lovely conversation at dinner this evening."

Tonks sighed exasperatedly and the bowl of mashed potatoes she had been carrying gave a sinister topple, quickly righted and moved safely to the counter by a flick of Molly's wand.

"We were discussing dragon dung in potions," Tonks said dully, flopping down on one of the bar stools around the counter. "I don't know, Molly. It all just seems so hopeless. There are times when I wish I could just forget it all...but it's not all that easy."

"I understand completely, dear," Mrs. Weasley gave Tonks a motherly pat on the back. "Ginny was exactly the same way about Harry a couple years back."

"What happened between them?"

"Well, Ginny still hasn't gotten over Harry, I don't think, but she's started to take an interest in other boys too. But somehow I don't think your problem is getting Remus to notice you," Mrs. Weasley surveyed Tonks over the top of the potatoes, which she now transferred into a storage container. "You really aren't looking well at all, you know. And brown really isn't the best color for you."

"I don't think anything will work for me, Molly," Tonks began with a small sigh, her head flopping into her folded arms.

"Have you talked to him? You know sometimes men can't grasp even the least subtle of hints we throw at them."

"I must have talked to him a million times already, Molly. He always says s the same thing: 'I'm too old for you' or 'I'm too dangerous' or 'You deserve better than me.' It absolutely kills me to hear him put himself down, Molly. I don't think any of those reasons are valid. I certainly don't care how old he is, and really he isn't all that much older. And I can look after myself. I'm smart! I know when to stay away from a werewolf!"

"Go and talk to him again, dear. He's all alone in the living room just now. Tell him how you feel. Tell him what you told me. I'll just pop upstairs for a bit and look in on Ron and everyone. It's far too quiet up there."

Molly gave Tonks an understanding look, hung up the dish rag over her shoulder, and disappeared up the stairs.

Tonks took a final swig of butterbeer, wishing for a moment that she had something stronger, before standing up from the stool. She walked over to the living room, and stood for a few moments, leaning on the door frame from the kitchen, and watched the back of his head as he read. After awhile, she moved, as quietly as she could, so that she was standing behind his armchair. The pages of his book stopped turning.

"Hello, Nymphadora," Remus said without looking up.

"Wotcher, wolvie," Tonks said in a small voice, not having the confidence to correct him on his use of her given name.

"And to what do I owe this honor?" Remus asked politely.

As if you don't know, Tonks thought to herself and then, outloud- "I want to talk to you, Remus."

"Have a seat, Dora- Nymphadora," Remus inwardly chided himself for using the shortened version of her name. The version he always used in his dreams about her.

Tonks noticed it, too. She paused a moment, finding more nerve in the name that only those who loved her had used before, before moving to the small loveseat next to his armchair, leaning comfortably on the armrest so that she was facing him.

"Remus, I know you're older than me, and I know you're a werewolf and- don't interrupt me, just hear me out, please! Listen, I know that you're afraid of hurting me, but please don't be. I can take care of myself, and I know how to help myself. I might be younger, Remus, but I'm still a big girl."

"Nymphadora...Tonks...I realise you're old enough to take care of yourself. And I won't waste breath trying to deny that I do have feelings for you. But I'm not right for you. You deserve much better. You have your entire life ahead of you; I'll just slow you down."

"Remus, I don't deserve anybody else. I want you, and I- I love you, Remus. I've watched you, and you're lonely." She stood up and stood in front of his chair, pulling his book out of his hands. "Remus, I have my entire life ahead of me, and I don't want to spend it looking like this, incapable of changing my appearance. Please, for both of us," Tonks kneeled in front of him and took hold of his hands and looked him intently in the face, a pleading look in her unusually colorless face.

Remus was lost in thought. Flashbacks from the past two years flooded his brain. He felt his eyes glaze over as he was lost in his memories.

A wild, young girl walking into the main hall of Grimmauld Place, the name she presented drowned out by the shrieks coming from the portrait of Sirius's mother.

Sitting with Sirius and Tonks, playing a round of exploding snap while no one else from the Order was around.

Tonks throwing her head back in laughter, her dark blue eyes twinkling merrily.

Tonks, her face hard with concentration, dueling with Bellatrix Lestrange on that fateful night in the Department of Mysteries.

Later that night in St. Mungo's, when Tonks had looked so helpless, lying in a coma in that hospital bed, the night when Remus first figured out he needed her.

The next morning when she woke up and discovered him asleep in a chair in her room, and had first confronted him about her feelings-- and first been let down.

A million more moments flashed through his brain, a million different echoes of "No" following one after the next.

Remus was shaken from his reverie by Tonks's words.

"Remus?" she asked quietly. "Tell me you don't want this. Tell me you don't love me, and I'll believe you."

That line, Remus almost chuckled to himself. It was so clichéd. She must have gotten it from one of the old muggle movies her dad watched all the time.

"I--" Remus pushed aside all of the thoughts in his head, or at least the ones telling him to follow his heart. "I-- I don't love you, Nymphadora. I'm sorry."

Tonks felt her eyes fill with tears at his words and she rocked back onto her heels. "But--" She swallowed and fought back the tears she knew were coming. "Fine. I knew it was hopeless," her words sounded bitter and hollow, but she couldn't correct it, despite how much she wanted to. "Tell Molly I said good-bye and thanks for dinner. I have an auror meeting to go do."

She stood up abruptly, and Remus watched her go, knowing that there was no such meeting, particularly not at 10 o'clock at night. As she walked back through the door to the kitchen, and out toward the apparition point, Remus swore that he had seen the last small patch of pink hair on the back of her head turn slowly to the same mousey brown as the rest of her head.