The Hogwarts Prophet Advice Column

The Hogwarts School Prophet

Advice Column by:

The Meterpreters

The Hogwarts School Prophet

Advice Column by:

The Meterpreters

Dear Meterpreters,

I have a crush on a teacher. He's really tall, dark, slimy, and rude, but I can't keep my eyes off of him.

Signed,

I-Heart-A-Teacher

Dear I-Heart-A-Teacher,

YOU LIKE SNAPE??? EW, EW, EW, EW!!! I'm blinded, ewwwwwww.

Rachel *-*

Wait, you like Snape, don't you? Gross. I suggest, in order to keep your eyes off of him, surgically remove them and hide them under your bed. Or stab your self in the eyes with a really hot french fry.

Chelsa *-'

Um, my advice is a good memory charm, would that help?

Katelyn -_-

Drop out of Potions, stop eating and trap yourself in your dorm--and burn any pictures of him, ewwww, you disgust me!!!

Renee '_'

Dear Meterpreters,

My friend keeps trying to set me up with this really ugly guy. I mean REALLY ugly. Kinda like Crabbe and Goyle mixed ten times worse. What can I do?

Signed,

My-Friend's-Too-Helpful

Dear My -Friend's-Too-Helpful,

Kill your friend and Mr. Ugly, bring them back to life, and kill them again.

Rachel *-*

Either throw them in front of traffic, or make them overdose, please.

Chelsa *-'

Why don't you just talk it out?

Katelyn -_-

Lock your friend and the ugly dude in a closet for about two days; see how she likes it!!!!

Renee '_'

Dear Meterpreters,

I am an evil, sadistic squirrel, hell-bent on destroying the Christmas season. Fear me. Mwahahaha!!!

Signed,

The-Evil-Hell-Bent-Squirrel-Going-To-Destroy-You-And-Christmas

Dear TEHBSGTDYAC,

Nice, really nice.

Rachel *-*

WTF? This is an ADVICE COLUMN!!! And Christmas is like, three months away.

Chelsa *-'

Um, good luck with that.

Katelyn -_-

Okay, you're a moron for the following reasons. 1.) You're not a squirrel. 2.) Christmas will always be Christmas. And 3.) No one will ever fear a stupid person who thinks they're a squirrel. I suggest counseling.

Renee '_'

Dear Meterpreters,

I'm being stalked by a suit of armour, please help me.

Signed,

Stalkeree

Dear Stalkeree,

Oxidation, doesn't get simpiler than that.

Rachel *-*

This is easy, remove all of its joints and stuff, and bury the various pieces in different spots.

Chelsa *-'

Contact the Headmaster, or use a simple Inanimate Death Charm.

Katelyn -_-

Kill the poltergeist whoes in it, you moron.

Renee '_'

Dear Meterpreters,

Dumbledore is always sneaking around the kitchen and our number of us is going down, we keeps disappearing. Helps, please.

The Hogwarts-House-Elf-Kitchen-Staff

Dear House-Elves,

Ahhh!! Dumbledore's kidnapping house-elves!!! Oh the humanity! I'm contacting Hermione Granger!!! I knew Dumbledore was an old coot!!

Rachel *-*

Ron Weasley has something to do with this!! Kill him!! Kill him!! I mean, you KNOW he has a huge supply of Dumbledore hair and Polyjuice Potion. He's kidnapping house-elves for his mom! Kill the Weasleys!! Except Bill, because he's hot, Charlie because he's cool, Fred and George because they're pranking twins, Ginny because she's awesome, Mrs. Weasley because she's nice, and Mr. Weasley because without him, Mrs. Weasley wouldn't be so nice anymore.

Chelsa *-'

Why not ask Dumbledore for a Protection Charm? I'm sure he's not kidnapping you.

Katelyn -_-

Next time "Dumbledore" comes in, tie him up for 1 hour, if he doesn't change into Ron Weasley, or anybody else, and even if they do, keep them tied up.

Renee '_'

Dear Meterpreters,

We are stuck into the future with no way to get home. Can you help us?

Signed,

The Marauders.

Dear Marauders,

Ahhh, it's you, it's really you!! My Sirius has come back to be!!! Yay!!! And no, I'm not gonna help you, for fear my Sirius will leave.

Rachel *-*

James, Sirius, you're alive again!!! YAY!! Oh, and Peter there's a bunch of 'chocolate frogs' on the third floor. They are the special kind--as in they'll eat you.

Chelsa *-'

Well, I'm not sure we can help you, Rachel's the inventor, and if she refuses to help you, you're screwed.

Katelyn -_-

Kill Peter! Kill Peter! Kill Peter! Kill Peter! Welcome, guys. Kill Peter! Kill Peter!

Renee '_'

If you have any questions, please submit your questions in the Read and Review file and your questions might be answered.

Signed,

Meterpreters