The Hardest Thing

There's one word I wish I could say, but I can't seem to be able to form the word with my mouth. No matter how I try, it is impossible. I see him every day, and walk in the opposite direction. It's just easier to pretend that he doesn't exist. I'm happier that way. Things are easier.

What a crock of shit.

The truth of the matter is that I'm not happier like this. I'm worse. It gets worse as the days pass. It has to be three months now. Three months of ignoring him.

It's easy to do so during classes. All I have to do is turn my head the other way. Ignore the fact that he's sitting right beside me.

Dammit, as much as I say it doesn't matter it does. Just feeling him close by stirs things inside me that I shouldn't feel. I should hate him. By rights I should never want to speak to him again. And yet, whenever I see that familiar face and the sparkle in his eyes, I want to take that face in my hands. I want to feel the twitch of his cheeks as his mouth curls into a smile. To feel the softness of his lips beneath my own. Feel how he reacts to me and how I react to him.

But, I shouldn't.

Oh the irony of the situation. To want to pull him into my arms, and push him away at the same time.

I avoid him as much as I can during the day. To keep my own sanity I suppose. But, it doesn't work. Not when I share a dormitory with him. Not when he sleeps in the bed to my right. At the beginning of the year, it seemed like the best idea in the world to switch beds with Peter. It was easier to slip out of my own bed and into his.

What I wouldn't give to be anywhere other than in the Gryffindor tower. And, at the same time, what I wouldn't give to leave this bed and crawl into his arms.

I'm damned if I do, and I'm damned if I don't.

I feel my heart and mind working in opposition to each other. My mind tells me that what Sirius did that night was unforgivable. He revealed my secret to Severus, after he swore he never would. Telling him to go down to the shack. Not thinking what would have happened to our classmate had he reached the door.

The thought still gives me nightmares.

But, Sirius couldn't think beyond his own motives. He only wanted to see Severus punished. For what, I'm not sure... and don't think I will ever really know.

Yet, I want to know. I want to know what was going through his mind when he betrayed me. What possessed him to do such a thing? Was it really a malicious act? Or, was there something else behind it. Maybe if I were to know the truth, I would be able to finally voice the words my heart has been speaking for the past month and a half.

'I forgive you, love.'

How I want to crawl into his bed. I never realised just how cold the night can be without his warmth beside me. It was a comfortable routine that we fell into, yet, at the same time, it wasn't a routine. It was two people finding solace in each other. I found my other half in him. It's only with him that I feel whole.

So why do I have to remain so stubborn? Why can't I go to him, take him in my arms and stay there for the rest of my days? No one knows for sure what the future will hold for any of us. For all I know, Sirius could be gone from me tomorrow, and I will always look back on this and wonder what could have happened. How things would have been different if I had only pushed my thoughts aside.

How different things would be if I would have followed my heart instead of my mind.

It's times like this I curse my intelligence and my want to follow logic above feelings.

I curse myself for days on end. The days continue to pass and I'm no closer to approaching him than I was the month before. Moony begins to suspect something is wrong. As mad as the wolf was at Padfoot, he begins to miss his mate. He wonders why we're all alone during the transformations. Wonders why there's no Padfoot for companionship.

Wonders no longer why our mate betrayed us, but why he will not come back. The wolf doesn't understand that all of this is my fault.

And so, as I lay in my bed, I ask myself the same question for the hundredth time tonight. What would be so bad about getting my Sirius back? I miss him and the wolf misses him. Don't I deserve some happiness in my life? Don't I deserve what we have between us?

Of course, it depends on two very important details.

I don't even know if Sirius will have me back. In the now four months that we have been separated, I've yet to see him take another lover, yet alone be with anyone else. I see the looks on his face as he glances my way. I know he thinks I don't see him. The fact of the matter is that I do. I notice everything about him. I always have.

I realise what I miss. I realise how much I need him in my life. I hear his soft moans next to me and I wish I were there. I wish my lycanthropy didn't heighten my sense of smell. Wish I couldn't smell him when masturbates.

The scent is so uniquely Sirius. Like sandalwood and cinnamon. He smells like the Highlands would smell in my mind. It's a fresh scent that belongs only to him. I taste it in his kisses.

I want to be in that bed with him. Want it to be my hand that wraps around him. Want to be with him forever.

I believe I can forgive him. But, the question is, for how long? How long before he does something like this again? How long before he doesn't think before acting and I find my heart in a shambles? Who will pick up the shattered pieces next time?

I hear his soft moans beside me. I know his release has come... his scent is stronger now. Suddenly, everything that happened in the past becomes immaterial. It's something my heart has known for so long. It's only now that my mind begins to realise it as well.

There is no Remus without Sirius.

He's waiting for me to take the first step. I realise that now. He wouldn't push me into taking him back. It had to be my decision.

That is, if he still wants me.

But, it's a chance I have to take. I have to. I can't play the 'what if' game anymore. I've done it for too long. No more. When you love someone, you learn to forgive and forget. I may never forget what he did to me that night... but I'd rather live my life with that one black day to mar my memory than never hold him in my arms again. The man is more important than the memory.

All is silent beside me. Knowing Sirius as I do, he has fallen into a sated sleep. It's as good a time as any.

And so, I take the first step. Push back the curtain of my bed and stand.

All it takes is a step. Move one foot in front of the other. Push his curtain to the side.

He's sleeping like how I thought he would be. Lips slightly parted. Lips I haven't touched in what seems like a lifetime. Taking a deep breath, I bend down towards him. My lips brush against his. Pale blue eyes open in surprise. He doesn't pull back, nor do I. Only his eyes register disbelief. We keep each other's gaze for a long moment.

One word... that's all I need to say. I know I can say it now.

"You're forgiven."