The Murderer

"The Murderer"

Murderer, murderer, murderer. The word, it goes in a mantra, over and over and over. IT'S MAKING ME INSANE, it's ruining my sleep, my life. It's a thing I can't get over. This, this eight letter word. Eight letters. That's it. How can eight letters mean so much, how can they just make my life something, something--so meaningless? Oh, what a terrible thing!

I can only justify myself, with things, with these terrible things. I am my own person; I had to do what was right for me. FOR ME, DAMMIT! What would you have done? What would you have done!?

I'm remembering them. All of them. Oh, how sad it is, to lose your life so suddenly... suddenly to a traitor. I'm the traitor, aren't I? I'm the murderer; I did it. I caused this.

No one understands my pain; they only see me for what I am. Only see me for what I am...

Oh, they don't know my deep thoughts; I can't let them know my deep thoughts. If they knew it, they'd kill me. I'd be dead, death! I don't want DEATH.

I bet none of you ever wondered, none of you, my friends. You left me in the dark; you made me do this! No, no I can't blame it on you. I had a feeling it was wrong, and now it's only intensified.

Intensified. Yes, yes I am the murderer. I am the traitor. I ruined my life as well as yours. Trapped in a prison, in a dark prison, counting my days. If only I killed him in the end. No one would've known, and I could live in the open world. In the world where people could see me. Where I wouldn't have to be trapped.

Do you know me? Did they know me? Do you understand me?! I had every right to be great. I have every reason to be remembered. I have just as much reason to be as remembered as you were. But no... No one understands, no one cares about me. Poor little me.

Self-pity goes a long way. It attracts attention, the wrong attention with terrible intentions. Yes, but it didn't get your attention, did it?

Yes, it's me. It's the murderer.

Did you know, when you turn Animagus, the animal you become is the type of animal that best resembles that person? The best character? I bet none of you ever realized it. But I knew it, I knew it when it was in the back of my mind, it was always tickling me with this newfound strength, it was a strength I found in myself.

But it was a secret, a secret I didn't want. But it was nice, knowing something the others didn't know, something that they didn't have to know.

Murderer.

There it is again, this word just flashing through my head, making me feel guilty. IT WAS THEIR FAULTS! I swear, I'll even swear my life now, now that I know that I won't die.

No, I know that I did the right thing. No one will be able to convince me otherwise. I am who I am, I'm not the traitor... no, he's the traitor. He did it. There's no reason for me to dwell on this, no reason at all. I don't care, I won't care. That's all there is to it. No, I can't care, damn you!

It's different being scared, but I'm not scared. No, I'm powerful, all powerful. There's nothing that you can do... I'm too much for you. Oh yes, too much!

Murderer.

Oh yes, I'm the traitor, I'm the murderer. It's a secret, so keep quiet. Shh... It's a secret you'll never know. It's a secret they'll never know.

Oh yes, one day they'll feel my power, the power I've acquired. It's a feeling that I want, that I'll relish in. You'll never know, you'll never understand what kind of power it is, what power I'm going to get, that I'll just be able to run my hands through. It's a thing that I want; it's something that I feel. I just want to know what it's like to feel so included.

Power will be in my hand, in my grasp. I'll even give away my hand for that power. It's a power they wouldn't let me experience. A power that I need. I just wish--I just wished it could've been different. I truly wish it could've ended differently, so I wouldn't be hiding away in shame. Wouldn't be locked in this prison. I just wish for things that couldn't have happened. I just wish for once they noticed me, noticed the signs, and noticed what they were doing TO ME!

Now you know how I feel; now you know. You were always so perfect, always the one I wanted to be. You never treated me as if I could've handled myself. You only treated me with kid gloves.

Well, now how does it feel, Sirius? Dear Padfoot. How does it feel to be the one out of control?

Yes, I may be stuck in a mental prison, but I can always run away and be ever powerful, and one day they'll realize who I am. But you, you'll slowly lose your mind, in a dark, damp prison. In a prison where they are waiting to give you a kiss. Oh yes, you'll wish you were me before you're eyes go lifeless. Oh yes, you finally wish you were me, instead of me wishing I were you. You'll finally wish you were Peter Pettigrew.

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Fin