Can't Help Lovin' That Man

The Great Hall echoed with the buoyant chatter that always marked term's end at Hogwarts. Harry, Hermione, and Ron were sitting at the Gryffindor table looking dazedly at their dinner, just as all the other seventh years were. They'd finished their last NEWT that afternoon (Transfiguration), and the whole year was stunned from the combination of extreme stress over a long period of time, and relief that the work was finally over. Ron finally recovered enough to realize that there was a full plate in front of him and began to shovel in food at an alarming rate.

"What, not going to agonize over how many wing feathers your raven had?" Ron asked Hermione, through a mouthful of potato. One of the simpler tasks in the practical exam had been to turn a writing desk into a raven and back again. "I'm lucky mine even had a tail. I swear that examiner was looking at me funny."

Harry managed a rather lopsided smile of agreement, considering he had just put a forkful of peas into his mouth, and still looked rather dazed. "Hermione?" he queried when she didn't reply. He glanced up just in time to catch a glimpse of her turned around in her seat, smirking across the Hall at someone. Harry nearly choked. She looked, for want of a better word, saucy. Hermione never looked saucy! And Hermione after exams never looked anything but worried, tired, and (occasionally) happy that they were over!

Harry looked over and saw that Ron had noticed it too. Well, he guessed that was why Ron was staring at Hermione with his mouth open and half a bean sprout dangling from his lip. Hermione had quickly turned back, and was now pretending nothing had happened, but there was a slight flush to her cheeks that told Harry she knew they had seen her.

Wait a second, Hermione had smirked? Harry joined Ron in open-mouthed astonishment.

"What are you two staring at?" Hermione snapped, scooping out peas with a hand that quivered slightly, "Have I got something on my nose?"

Ron snapped out of his trance to exclaim, "Did I just see you smirking across the Hall at someone?" spraying potatoes all over Hermione in the process.

"Urgh, Ron, that's disgusting, and no, I wasn't leering, I was smil-"

"Leering? Who said you were leering?"

"You did!"

"No, I did not! I said you were smirking! There's a difference!"

"Well, I don't see-"

Harry could see a full-scale blow-up was about to take place, and interrupted quickly, "Uh, who were you, er, smiling at then?"

"No one," Hermione replied, looking away quickly, "Aren't I allowed to be happy once in a while?"

"That wasn't just happy, Hermione," Ron pursued, "that looked morally wrong!"

Hermione flushed and rolled her eyes, then continued eating.

There was a beat, and then Harry, now thoroughly curious, wheedled, "Come on, it must have been someone."

"Yeah, you don't just go smirking at nobody, now do you?" Ron added.

Hermione glanced over her shoulder. "It was that boy in - Ravenclaw," she said quickly.

"Which boy in Ravenclaw? There've got to be at least a hundred!"

"I don't feel like talking about it, all right? Just let me eat my dinner in peace!"

"Fine."

They ate in strained silence for the remainder of the meal, Harry and Ron stealing bewildered glances at each other over the top of Hermione's head. Finally, as they were about halfway through the pudding (which Harry noticed Hermione hadn't touched), Ron could restrain himself no longer.

"It wasn't really a boy in Ravenclaw, was it? You just picked that house out of the air. I could tell."

"Oh, come on, tell us, we won't laugh, we promise!" Harry coaxed.

This was not a good time to harass Hermione. "Merlin, you two are so immature!" she exploded, nearly knocking over the pumpkin juice in her fury. Then her eyes narrowed dangerously. "Do you really want to know?" she asked, her voice taking on a challenging tone.

"Yes!" Ron burst out, triumphant.

"Er," said Harry. He was beginning to feel uneasy about the glint in her eyes.

"You really want to know?" She was fuming now.

Ron had the sense to notice, and he hesitated. "Um-"

"You really want to know who I've been seeing in secret all these months?" Now she was nearly yelling.

"What?"

"Oh yes, I've been seeing someone, did I forget to mention it? Skulking around, secret meetings, having to pretend I'm a different person around everyone else, 'perfect little Hermione', oh, it was lovely! All because you're too thick to understand!"

"What?" they chorused again.

"Too thick?!" Ron muttered numbly.

She stood up. "Well, I give up! You want to know who I was smiling at? Who I've been going out with? Draco Malfoy!" she screamed.

The entire Hall, which had been gaping at the spectacle, was dead silent with shock.

Hermione looked over at Malfoy with an expression on her face that Harry had never seen before. She turned back to face them. "I love him," she declared. She smiled mistily. "I can't help it." Then, frowning at them, she added, "And I don't want to, either!" and sat down abruptly, crossing her arms over her chest.

The Hall erupted immediately into noisy conversation. Most of the Gryffindors were still staring at Hermione open-mouthed.

"H- How could you?" Seamus croaked. "Malfoy?" This earned a furious glare from Hermione.

A glance over at the Slytherin table showed Harry that the Slytherins were having nearly the same reaction. Even Crabbe and Goyle looked shocked, which was remarkable, considering that they usually had the eloquence of sea slugs. Pansy Parkinson was glaring at Draco like he'd purposely grown three heads.

"At least they didn't know about it either," muttered Ron under his breath.

Harry looked over at Hermione to see that she now had the tiniest of smirks on her face. She was trying to catch Malfoy's eye across the Hall while Ginny bombarded her with questions.

She sighed, turned back to Ginny, and had just opened her mouth to speak when Ron said, "Shush! Do you hear that? I- I think it's music!"

Harry strained to listen through the din, and sure enough, a soft, clarinet-like sound was filling the hall. It got louder as the chatter dropped off and more and more students stopped to listen. He glanced up at the staff table; even Dumbledore looked mildly surprised by this turn of events.

Abruptly, Hermione stood on her seat and jumped up onto the table, upsetting everybody's plates in the process. She waved her wand to clear a space for herself on the tabletop, then pointed it at her throat and muttered "Sonorous". Ron gaped at her as if she might go into a rage and turn him into a graphorn at any moment, but she just gave an affectionate look across the Hall at Malfoy (Affectionate? Malfoy? Harry's brain reeled), opened her mouth, and started to sing:

"Fish gotta swim, and birds gotta fly," She had a dreamy, longing sort of look on her face. "I gotta love one man till I die," she sang, gazing across the Hall at Malfoy. "Can't help lovin' that man of mine."

At this point she looked down at Ginny, winked, and continued. Harry was beyond shock already; if he hadn't been, he decided he would have fainted.

"Tell me he's lazy, tell me he's low. Tell me I'm crazy, maybe I know. Can't help lovin' that man of mine." She was gaining confidence as she sang, and slowly turning into someone Harry didn't quite recognize. This was - this was saucy Hermione!

The music picked up, and Hermione sauntered back and forth on the table a couple times, then climbed down and started dancing to the front of the Great Hall. Her black robes got in the way, so she threw them off halfway up to the front. She was doing lots of kicks and fancy turns, and even ruffled the hair of a sixth-year boy at the Ravenclaw table, who blushed bright red and proceeded to watch her every move. Upon reaching the front, Hermione turned to face Ginny and began to sing again:

"Oh listen, sister, I love my mister man, and I can't tell you why. There ain't no reason why I should love that man," she sang, wagging her finger and shaking her head. She looked over at Malfoy and began to step towards him sideways, swinging her hips. "It must be somethin' that the angels done plan."

Everybody in the entire school was giving each other incredulous looks: there was someone singing at the front of the Great Hall! And not only was that someone a student, it was Hermione Granger, the prudish Head Girl, who had just said she was in love with Draco Malfoy! Nobody moved to stop her - Harry didn't think he could have moved if a Hungarian Horntail was breathing down his neck.

"Fish gotta swim, and birds gotta fly, I gotta love one man till I die," Hermione now had a look of great happiness on her face, as if she'd been waiting to do this all her life. She was singing to the entire Hall, her arms outstretched. "Can't help lovin' that man of mine." She began to walk over to the Slytherin table.

"Tell me he's lazy, tell me he's low." She put her hand on Malfoy's shoulder, gazing down fondly at him. "Tell me I'm crazy, maybe I know." Malfoy seemed to have gotten over his initial surprise, and was now looking as if he was quite enjoying the consternation the two of them were causing. "Can't help lovin' that man of mine." They shared a smirk.

"I'm gonna be sick," thought Harry.

Suddenly, Hermione ran over to the Hufflepuff table and jumped onto one end. Harry noticed that at some point Dumbledore had cleared all the tables of plates and food in case someone jumped on them again; it seemed to have been a wise precaution. Hermione began to walk sultrily down the table, making wide kicks with each foot as she went.

"When he goes away, that's a rainy day. And when he comes back that day is-" she turned around to face the school with her arms outstretched "-fine! The sun will shine!" She started to walk back down the table, swaying her shoulders.

"He can come home as late as can be. Home without him ain't no home to me. Can't help lovin' that man of mine!" she belted from the middle of the table, turning in a circle, her head thrown back.

Harry blinked. Hermione seemed to be wearing a black, figure-hugging, floor-length evening gown. When had that happened?

Oh well. This was all weird anyway.

There was a brief interlude in the music; Hermione lowered herself so that she was seated on the edge of the table, her ankles crossed between a pair of giggling second year girls. She appeared to be taking them to task. "Oh listen, sisters, I love my mister man, and I can't tell you why." She slid onto the floor and strutted over to the Ravenclaw table.

"There ain't no reason why I should love that man." She had put her arm around a large seventh-year boy Harry couldn't remember the name of; he appeared to be having a great time. She pointed to him for the next line:

"It must be somethin' that the angels done plan," he crooned in a deep bass voice. Everyone at the Ravenclaw table cheered. Harry realized with a start that lots of people were enjoying this; he'd been too shocked to notice.

"New lives are comin', the road looks tough ahead, but he don't seem to care," she sang with a roll of her eyes. "There ain't no reason why I should love that man," she continued, pointing slowly at Malfoy.

"Then why you love that man?" sang the big Ravenclaw. Harry noticed movement around him and at some of the other tables, but he was too riveted on the Incredible New Hermione to pay any attention.

"It must be somethin' that the angels done plan," she sang, backing up the aisle to the front and then running over to the Gryffindor table. She found a place next to Ginny, who Harry suddenly realized was standing on the bench. So were all the girls at the table. He looked over at Ron, who seemed just as flabbergasted as he was by this new development. Before he could speak, half the Hall burst into song.

"Fish gotta swim, and birds gotta fly!" sang all the Gryffindor girls, who were facing the opposite side of the Hall, kicking in unison.

At the same time, the Slytherin boys sang "While the birds fly!" in counterpoint, standing and kicking facing the girls (with Malfoy in the lead, it seemed).

"I gotta love one man till I die," the Gryffindors continued, "Can't help lovin' that man of mine." They were now bending their knees together, bobbing up and down. Harry and Ron were trying to be as small as possible so they didn't get hit in the face with someone's knee. Harry noticed that Ron was tapping his hand on his leg to the beat, which was rather catchy, after all.

The Slytherins continued to sing counterpoint, dancing with the Gryffindors.

As they started on the next part of the chorus, people at the Hufflepuff and Ravenclaw tables started jumping up and singing, joining in the dance. By the next line, nearly everyone was standing on a bench, singing and bobbing. On Harry's other side, Seamus suddenly jumped up.

"Crazy, I know!" he belted out. Harry stared.

"Can't help lovin' that man of mine!" sang every female student in the school.

"But she's just as crazy 'bout me!" sang the guys. Swiftly, everybody jumped off the benches, which disappeared along with the tables, and started marching into large concentric circles.

"When (s)he goes away, that's a rainy day," they sang, running on the beat. Harry and Ron were swept up into the strangely ordered chaos.

"Might as well join in the madness!" Harry shouted, grinning, to Ron, who was already singing enthusiastically.

"And when (s)he comes back," they sang, marching in toward the centre of the room, "that day is fine!" They all flung up their arms, and Malfoy and Hermione were lifted onto the shoulders of the crowd, singing to each other.

"The sun will shine!"

"Yes, sister!" It was a thunderous chorus by now.

"(S)He can come home as late as can be." Everyone had their arms around the shoulders of the person next to them and was kicking, even Dumbledore and the rest of the staff. Harry just about fell over when he saw Snape scowling furiously, kicking and singing.

"Home without her (him) ain't no home to me!" Each concentric circle of students was now running in the opposite direction to the next.

"Can't help lovin' that gal (man) of mine!" Everyone threw back their heads and raised their hands into the air as the music came crashing to a close. They stood like that, frozen, for several seconds. Then abruptly the Hall was abuzz with noise again, mostly laughter. People hugged their friends or slapped them on the back.

Ron looked at Harry in amazement. "I can't believe it. Did Hermione just say she was seeing Malfoy, and then lead the whole school in a musical number? And did we just join in?"

Harry looked disconcerted. "Yes."

"Just checking. I thought I might have gone nutters or something."

They happened to be standing right in front of the line of teachers, who were conversing animatedly. Professor McGonnagall looked quite shocked at the whole thing, but Harry noticed that her hat was slightly askew and her cheeks were flushed.

"Well, you must admit Severus," Dumbledore said happily, "this will be very good for inter-House relations!"

Ron turned rather green. He turned to Harry and -

THUMP!

Hermione sat up quickly, her heart racing. She looked around frantically for the source of the noise, but it was only Crookshanks, knocking one of the books on her bedside table to the floor. She breathed a sigh of relief.

"Damn cat makes too much noise," she muttered, rolling over to go back to sleep.

Then she remembered the dream she'd been having. "Oh God," she thought, "that was bizarre!" She started to laugh silently. The whole school dancing, and the look on Snape's face! That was priceless! It had been even funnier seeing it all through Harry's eyes, what with him being so shocked at -

Oh. She'd forgotten for a minute what the whole dream was about. Eurgh. How could she even think of doing that? She frowned for a moment, then shrugged and lay back down. After all, it was only a dream; it didn't necessarily reflect reality. She smiled again as she snuggled into her pillow. At least the dance routines had been fun. It was funny how dreams could be so very inaccurate sometimes --

After all, she would never tell Harry and Ron about Draco.

FIN