Nameless Name

I often spend my nights alone in my bed, closed off from the rest of the dorm room by the heavy red velvet drapes. Those nights are always nameless, but my thoughts are always settled on one thing. My thoughts are always settled on you. I think about how you talked to me, how you gave my friendship when I was utterly lost and alone. I was at my happiest when I talked to you; nothing mattered when I wrote in that little black book back when I was new to Hogwarts.

But that was five years ago. I´ve grown up since then. I am no longer the gangly eleven-year-old you once talked too. I´m not the frightened 1^st year that lacked self-confidence to speak for herself. I have grown into a young woman, assured of who and what I am. Assured of what I want. Assured of what I long for.

Sometimes, at night, you come to me. You come to me in my dreams. And you remind me of all those conversations we had, and all the promises you´d made me. But I dare not say your name. Never while awake, and I never utter your name in my dreams for fear it might slip in my sleep. I always wake up before your name may pass my swollen lips (swollen from our kisses). And I wake up, gasping for air, your name on the tip of my tongue.

I dare not say your name, for fear. I am not afraid of your name. No, never afraid of you, never afraid of your name, for I love you. To me your name is beautiful, a soft caress, like the winter waves, strong and dark, and always beautiful. But afraid that I might be heard. Afraid that they might think me insane. Afraid that they might think you´ve come back to corrupt me. But the truth is that you never departed from me in the first place. You are part of me, just as I am part of you. And you never did corrupt me.

So I go on and live my life like I normally would. I act like the perfect student, the adorable little sister, and the only daughter. Play the role of the sweet, naïve youngest child of the Weasley family. But you are always in my thoughts. Settled in the back of my mind, quiet and alone, where you grow with time. I think of all those nameless nights, when you visit me, hold me. All those nights, and the name that I dare not whisper to the embracing darkness, though its always on the tip of my tongue.

But perhaps one night, when I am alone with nothing but my thoughts. When I am alone with nothing but the strangely beautiful darkness (which always reminds me of you). Perhaps then I will say your name. Perhaps only more that a whisper, which only the dust in my pillow and the star in the heaven will hear. But I will say your name regardless, and I will say it without fear, though it would only be a breathe, and those night would no longer be nameless...

...Tom.