Save Yourself

Save Yourself, Chapter Eleven

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I awoke the next morning tucked caringly under his arm, my cheek pressed up against his bare chest. In my confused state, I didn’t realize exactly where I was for a moment, but when the memory of the night before returned to me, a smile spread across my lips and I knew then I would never experience any regret. It simply wasn’t in my nature.

”Good morning, you,” Draco said softly, his low voice purring. “I thought you were going to sleep in all morning.”

”What time is it?” I murmured sleepily, bringing one of my hands up to wipe the sleep out of my eyes.

”Half past ten,” he answered calmly. I cringed slightly, the days of the week running through my mind quickly as I tried to figure out what day it was.

”Isn’t it… a school day?” I asked slowly, not all too sure of myself.

Draco nodded, “We’re both exempt, don’t worry about it. Professor Snape knows about us and our situation, and he’s going to excuse our absences personally.”

I blinked, suddenly acutely aware of the warm body next to me. I curled up slowly, placing my legs in contact with his. “My family’s dead, aren’t they?”

He was quiet for a moment before nodding regretfully, his grip around my shoulders tightening as if he alone could control my grip on reality. “Yes, Pansy,” he sighed. “Your mother and brother have died.”

”No,” I shook my head, an irrationality setting in. “My father’s dead as well.”

”No he isn’t,” Draco insisted, gray eyes turning towards me in a concerned, almost panicky movement. “He’s still alive.”

”It doesn’t matter,” I insisted. “He’s still dead to me.”

Draco sighed once more and took my hand in his, raising it to his lips and kissing it gently. “I’m still here for you though, and I always will be.”

”What if you die as well?” I asked in an almost childish manner. “What will happen to me then? I won’t have anyone. What am I going to do this summer? I have nowhere to go. If I go home, my father—my dead father—will kill me.”

Draco was now increasingly alarmed as he slowly sat up, bringing me with him. Carefully, he tucked the blanket we shared around my body, making sure I was both warm and unexposed. I tried to smile gratefully, but for some reason, the smile wouldn’t reach my lips.

”I’m going to get dressed, all right?” he asked carefully, and I nodded in compliance. I watched him as he slipped out from between the sheets, his pale skin reflecting the bright sunlight streaming through the windows. As I sat there watching him dressing, I noticed a tight pain that clenched my thighs and lower stomach. I sighed softly to myself, already knowing this was going to be a fairly bad day.

”Would you like me to go get you some clean clothes?” Draco asked, and I nodded. He was gone for less than a minute—no doubt he ran and grabbed the first thing he saw in my trunk—and when he came back, he held a plain black robe in his hands neatly folded over a pair of black pants and a white jumper. It seemed like an odd combination, but no one had ever accused my fiancée of having any fashion sense.

I untangled myself from the blanket and got out of bed, walking to him completely undressed and taking the clothes from him. He was polite enough to turn his back, regardless of the facts he had seen me the night before and I had watched him dress. With a childish wonder, I watched him turned towards me once I had finished, curiosity evident in his features—a trait one would not normally associate with any Malfoy, young or old.

”Would you like to perhaps get some breakfast?” he asked slowly, taking my hand as we walked out of his dorm room.

”Where?” I asked. “The Great Hall’s finished serving breakfast, and I’m not about to go back to the hospital wing.”

”The kitchens, of course,” Draco grinned that silly boy grin of his and, despite my melancholy, I smiled.

”Lead the way,” I gestured forwards as he took my arm, obliging.

We walked down the halls of the dormitories and slipped out of the Common Room portal, emerging out into the deserted halls. We walked side-by-side, his arm wrapped around my shoulder in a protective manner. His complete personality change from the first few years of Hogwarts still took me by surprise and at any given moment I expected him to sneer towards me and laugh, saying it was all a hoax—he just wanted to sleep with me, that’s why he and I were said to be betrothed. My father would have done something like that to me—after he had killed our family, I was positive he would have.

It was irrational of me, I know, but I was far too paranoid and out of my mind at that point to even consider reality. Draco’s grip around my shoulders brought me back down to earth, however, as I willed myself to concentrate on the real world.

”Draco?” I asked tentatively, not sure of what I was going to say. I just wanted to hear the sound of his voice—the voice that had so willingly and sweetly stayed with me for over forty-eight hours.

”Yes?” he answered immediately as we turned the corner. I had no idea where we were going; I was at his mercy, something I wasn’t used to and not entirely sure I was comfortable with.

”When are we going to get married?”

The question surprised even me. I hadn’t thought of it, the words had just slipped out of my lips before I could even consider the implications or repercussions of asking such a thing.

”After we leave Hogwarts, I suppose,” Draco shrugged almost indifferently. “Whenever you’d like, m’dear.”

His last comment was intended to be at least a partial attempt at humor, but I refused to acknowledge it. “After Hogwarts is fine, I suppose. Where are we going to live?”

”It’s customary to live in the groom’s home,” Draco pointed out, the indifferent tone still holding within his voice. “The Manor’s large enough to house a dozen families, don’t worry about it. One more person isn’t going to make much of a person… but considering that person’s you, it’ll make all the difference in the world to me.”

”Nice save,” I murmured, slipping my arm around his side to grip the back of his robe in my fist. “How many children do you want? Obviously, one’s a necessity, but do you want to stop at one or go on for more?”

”As many as you want,” Draco answered, his tone wary this time. “Why so many questions all of the sudden? I’m not complaining, just curious.”

I shrugged, “I don’t know. I just… God. My mother just died, Zachary’s gone, my father’s a fucking traitor, and I’m sitting here talking about a happy future. What the bloody fuck am I thinking, Draco? Why the hell am I even thinking about this sort of stuff?”

”Because you’re scared,” Draco answered gently, stopping me and turning to look me in the eye. “Because you have no idea what your future holds for you and you’re fucking scared to death you might be next. That’s why.”

I steeled myself against the onslaught of emotion I knew was going to come and clenched my jaw, trying desperately to assure myself he was wrong.

”I’m not scared,” I muttered through my clenched jaw, my eyes trained to the side wall. “I’m angry as bloody hell, but I’m not scared. I don’t know how to be, I’m a bloody Parkinson.”

”I’m a bloody Malfoy and I’ve had the shit scared out of me more times than I can count,” Draco pointed out. “It’s not against the law to be afraid, and if you weren’t right now, that’d frighten me more than anything else. If you don’t want to admit it because of pride, I understand—you have no idea how well I understand. I don’t understand what you’re feeling right now though, but I can guess, and I will tell you that I’ll try to understand if you give me the chance. Through thick and thin, we’re stuck together Pansy, and it’s up to us to make it the best time possible for both parties. I don’t want to live my life attached to someone I don’t love, but I do love you, and I think right now that’s all the difference it makes. I’m going to always try to understand, all right?”

”All right,” I said quietly, not sure whether to be uncomfortable, grateful, ecstatic, or completely floored with his small speech. Draco never— never—showed any sort of emotion that was this strong, and I felt almost honored he had saved it for me.

”Now, what do you say we go get some food from the kitchens? I don’t know about you, but I’m absolutely starving.”

I nodded silently, a tentative smile spreading across my face as Draco tugged suddenly at my arm playfully, and I allowed him to continue leading me to the kitchens. I hated to admit it, but I was hungry. It felt wrong at the time to want such a meager thing as food, but I needed it for survival—

—Just as I needed Draco to guide me through this treacherous path we called life.