Save Yourself

Save Yourself, Chapter Ten

After a brief bout in the hospital wing under the constant supervision—suicide watch?—of the nosy Madame Pomfrey, I was released in the late evening with instructions to take it easy and to go to Professor Snape if I wanted to talk. I rolled my eyes when the last bit was announced, knowing I would never dream of going to the steel-hearted professor looking for a heart-to-heart.

As I walked out of the dreary hospital wing, I immediately took notice of the blonde leaning up against the cold stone wall, his arms crossed and gray eyes concerned. I stopped directly in front of him, only a pace away, and he remained against the wall, his eyes taking in each weary feature of my face. After perhaps a minute of this, he gently reached out and took my pale hand in his, leading me back to the Slytherin Common Room.

He started to lead me to one of the smaller couches hidden in a dark corner, but I stopped as we came across the stairs leading up to his dorm room, touching his elbow to make sure he understood I didn’t want to stay in the open.

”I don’t want to stay down here.” My voice was barely above a whisper and I refused to place any emotion in my tone, knowing if I did, I would burst into tears almost immediately.

Draco nodded carefully, his gray eyes alight with curiosity. “Where would you like to go then?”

Slowly, I turned my head towards the winding staircase that led up to his dormitory, and he immediately got the message.

”Pansy, I don’t think we should—“

”I want to,” I interrupted him quietly. “Or at the very least, I want to be alone with you.”

He sighed and finally nodded in defeat. “I don’t want it to go any further than usual tonight, okay?”

I stayed silent as I turned towards the stairway, walking up them slowly, the numbness I felt not allowing me any eagerness. He touched my waist carefully as he came up behind me, his other hand turning the door handle once we reached our destination.

The dorm was surprisingly empty, the four carefully made beds standing side-by-side in a row. I moved slowly to the one I knew Draco slept in, slipping my shoes off before I sat down on the forest green sheets. He moved to join me, mimicking my actions in a sort of reserved curiosity he thought I couldn’t see.

”What did you think when you first saw me?”

My question was blunt, but it was something I absolutely had to know. One hint he hadn’t approved—a single word saying he hadn’t liked what he had saw—and I know I would go immediately back to my dorms and do everything in my power to take my life, knowing then it wouldn’t be a life worth living.

He was quiet for a moment, the silence hanging between us neither tense nor friendly. He looked directly at me as he spoke, his face honest and words earnest.

”I thought you were beautiful.”

With his words, my heart absolutely melted, and I finally kissed him. In that kiss I placed all of the frustration and sadness that coursed through my veins at that very moment, and I knew he could feel it.

He tasted the fire in my kiss and returned one equally as passionate, placing his hands on my shoulders as to guide me to him. I carefully moved forward and reached for the hem of the sweater I was wearing, no longer caring if we were moving too fast. I wanted—needed—a way to express the emotions that were tumbling around inside of me, unable to emerge from the vast surface of numbness I had placed upon me.

He allowed me to lift up my sweater and he did them same with his, leaving us both clothed in white button-up shirts. I lifted my shaking fingers to unbutton his, his smooth chest rising heavily as I revealed it. I pushed the garment off his shoulders and then moved to my own shirt, allowing it to slip off my torso easily, leaving me in my bra and the skirt Draco had brought down for me that morning.

”Pansy,” he whispered, breaking the contact between us to look directly down towards me. “I don’t think we should—“

”Draco.” I placed one finger upon his moist swollen lips. “I don’t care what you think. You’ve been wanting this for three years now—just let it happen.”

”I’m not about to take advantage of you,” he persisted, talking past my finger. “I love you too much to hurt you like that.”

He had said it.

"You won’t,” I promised him quietly, my very being bursting with a newfound compassion for the reluctant boy sitting next to me. “Just—please, Draco. I need this. I need to know that I can feel—I need something that only you can give me. Please?”

He sighed and after what felt like an eternity, he nodded. “I don’t want to hurt you,” he repeated softly, his low voice rumbling.

”You won’t,” I insisted once more, taking no time in pressing my lips up against his once more. He relaxed into the kiss and allowed me to remove the skirt I was wearing and unbutton the soft black slacks he had on. They were discarded after only a moment, leaving both him and me down to our undergarments.

”Come on,” he coaxed gently, pulling back the sheets that lie on his mattress. I complied, slipping between the cool sheets with easy as he drew the curtains shut around his bed, leaving only a soft light coming from a candle he had lit on the wall above his headboard. He crawled in next to me, the warmth of our bodies instantly heating the space underneath the sheets.

Once he was lying down next to me, I rolled over and straddled his lean body, my hand finding the flat of his stomach and slowly ran my fingers from his diaphragm to the very edge of the underwear he was wearing. I could feel the soft trail of down leading underneath, but I chose not to follow it—not yet, anyway.

He leaned forward to kiss me once more, his hands cautiously making their way to my back, where he tried to unclasp my bra; after a few moments of this, I smiled despite the emotional numbness I felt and unclasped it for him, leaving me completely exposed from the waist up.

He gazed at my bare skin for a moment, taking in the soft reflecting of the candle light. I could feel his reaction to my sudden nakedness, and I felt a strange thrill rising up within me as he raised one hand to carefully—almost timidly—touch me.

I leaned forward to bring our lips together once again, pressing my chest up against his. He wasted no time and gently rolled the two of us over, leaving him on top of me. I suddenly became acutely aware of how little fabric there was between the two of us, and the garments started to hinder more than protect.

Draco fixed that soon enough as he pulled his own underwear off, leaving him completely naked under the soft sheets. I did the same, the bashfulness I had expected surprisingly not rising.

I could feel him pressing up against my hip in an almost crude manner, leaving absolutely nothing to the imagination. He allowed one hand to travel down past my bellybutton and over my hip, finally making its way to a place that had always—and would always—belong to him. Tentatively, he looked up towards me, an unspoken question resting in his eyes.

”Anything,” I answered, my voice hardly more than a breath.

He leaned forward to kiss me once more, his fingers exploring the region, probing in places that made me gasp aloud. I could feel him smile through our kiss as he found the place he had been looking for, sending a shockwave of sensations coursing through my body.

”God…” I whispered tightly as I arched into his hand involuntarily. He continued to tease me for a few moments before finally moving his fingers and dipping in to me. My eyes widened with this new sensation, and the sudden thought of where he had learned it flickering through my mind. I didn’t have time to ponder it, however, as he added a second finger, making me draw in my breath quickly.

After I had grown used to the feeling, I slowly snaked my hand down between our bodies, finding the hardness that pressed persistently into my hip. I took him in my hand, rubbing my thumb against the tip and squeezing gently in a rhythm that matched his own movements. I applied pressure with my hand, shifting it up and down, making him moan quietly.

He regained control soon thereafter and moved slowly to place his lips upon my neck, his hot breath tickling my skin as he breathed. “Are you ready?”

His voice was hardly more than a whisper, and mutely, I nodded in response. I removed the grip I had on him as he removed his fingers, quieting my sudden cry by replacing it with something that had belonged in me the moment my parents had signed our betrothal contract.

The pressure inside of me was dreadfully pleasurable as he slowly slid inside of me. I had to bite my lip to keep from crying out as he gently, albeit painfully, broke past the natural barrier within me. Concern filled his eyes as he stopped, leaving him only halfway buried in me.

”Am I hurting you?”

Wordlessly, I nodded even as tears filled my eyes. “It’s okay though, keep going—please.”

He nodded and continued his painfully slow trek, finally reaching the end a few moments later. The pain had diminished some, replaced by an intense pleasure brought on by our actions.

He backed out partially, only to come rushing back in. Animal instinct seem to overtake the both of us and soon, we were moving in a perfect fluid unity, our rhythm something that no longer felt dirty, but instead was something sacred I knew he also felt.

We were both lost in the feeling of it as I climaxed, a sensation to end all sensations exploding within me. Draco followed soon after, his seed lost within me as he collapsed next to me, both of us breathing heavily.

No words were spoken between us as we lay there; Draco recovered enough to gently take me in his arms, our bodies still intertwined. He lifted my face to meet his own, his lips pressing up against mine one last time that night.

”I love you,” he repeated softly, those words destroying any and all barriers I had created the night before. With a sudden flood of emotion, I began to cry; I sobbed for my mother, for my brother, for the lost soul of my father, and for the future I knew Draco and I would have to fight for, regardless of that night.