Save Yourself

Save Yourself - Chapter Five

And so it was for the next two years; he and I were constantly at war, our guards rarely ever let down. I was his challenge and he was my secret, both of us never allowing anyone else to know the true nature of our relationship. Betrothal wasn’t practiced nearly as often as it had been in the past, and anyone engaged in such activity was looked down upon and laughed at for giving up their Free Will before they were old enough to object.

The worst apart about it, I suppose, was that every time I saw a male – whether he was a boy or a man – I knew, no matter how much I wanted him, I couldn’t have him. Under strict rules of the betrothal, I was to be pure, as they called it, the night he took me for the first time; always the blushing virgin. He, however, had no restrictions regarding his sexual activity. If he were to get someone other than myself pregnant, however, the agreement stated she was either to be killed or banned from the country.

He, of course, had no reprimands.

I suppose if he loved the girl, that would have been punishment enough; I knew Draco Malfoy well enough to know he had never loved a single person in his entire miserable existence. I was sure I wasn’t going to be the one to change that, and he was certainly not going to give his heart to a nameless wench willing to allow him to take her to bed and fuck her brains out. Sex to him was purely a physical sensation; perhaps that’s what makes females so different from males. I knew the moment I allowed him to sleep with me I would force myself to love him. It didn’t matter if I hated him with a passion a mere hour beforehand – from that moment on, I would be as devoted to him as I was to my own family.

That time came far sooner than I, or anyone else, had expected.

During my entire First Year, I clung to the hope that perhaps Draco and I were wrong; maybe it wasn’t Draco I was to marry, but another boy I had yet to meet. My fears were confirmed, however, the summer after our second year; Mother sat me down on my last day at home the summer before my third year and blatantly told me the facts of life in far more detail than I would have liked. By the time our conversation had ended, she was scolding me for allowing myself to blush too much – a new one, even for her.

Our third year was far more different than the first two had been, even taking the Chamber of Secrets into account; Dementors swarmed the outside of the grounds, making passing through the gates cheerfully a complete impossibility. It’s my belief that the third year would have turned out all right, if it hadn’t been for one other matter I had previously been too afraid to address.

Just as Mother had sat me down and informed me on how children were made – don’t get me wrong, I had already known the basics; just hearing them from her own mouth was one of the most awful experiences I had ever gone through – it seemed to be that Lucius Malfoy had done the same with his son.

God, was Draco ever eager to give it a go.

The first time he approached me with this, I had just turned fourteen; my birthday was only two days after his, and apparently he was eager to receive a belated birthday gift from me. I was sure he was in no way concerned over whether or not I’d like it; he was notorious for thinking only of himself.

I was sitting in a large, over-stuffed armchair a good distance from the rest of the Common Room occupants who were sitting around the fire talking in hushed whispers and excited yelps – never in between.

I was reading a large book Father had given me for my birthday concerning various curses Hogwarts refused to teach – a rather cliché selection for him, overall. I was thinking about how his originality had vanished over the years – or perhaps my childish perspective had simply changed so much I finally saw how much of a bore he was – when a strong arm slid around my shoulders from behind and a boney chin was placed on the top of my head.

”Read anymore and we may start wondering if the Sorting Hat made you mistake and Sorted you into Slytherin instead of Ravenclaw.”

Draco’s usually harsh, edgy voice had an almost teasing quality within it as he spoke these words, his left hand placed gently on my arm.

I snapped my book shut immediately, incredibly uncomfortable with the feeling of his hands on me. In all the years I had known him, he had never been so sweet and kind to me as he had been in those two minutes – and all of the similar two minutes after that. My guard was immediately up as I turned around best I could to look him in the face. Even then, his amazing looks never ceased to startle me, no matter how many times I had seen his face. I regained my wits quickly and smirked, somehow knowing I had the upper hand in this battle.

”What do you want, Draco?”

My tone was tolerant enough, but apparently the boy wanted more. He tightened his grip in his arm with mock affection around my shoulders, his gray eyes glinting as they always did when I challenged him.

”I’d like to know if I could speak to you alone for a moment.” He asked calmly, releasing pressure on me slightly.

I cocked my head, only moderately curious. “What for?”

He raised an eyebrow in a way that could only be from a Malfoy and gently guided me into a standing position and slowly walked me to the staircase where his dorm was.

”I’d like to ask you a question, that’s all,” he shrugged, releasing my arm for a moment to open the thick wooden door, revealing an empty, semi-tidy dorm room. He closed the door and with a faint click, locked it, making my heart start beating a bit faster, as I had no idea what his intentions were.

Call me stupid, call me naïve, but I didn’t leave. I allowed him to talk to me, to ask me the question he had been dying to ask for three months then.

He didn’t make a sound as he took a step towards me, forcing me to step back and into the cold stone wall. I winced slightly as the back of my head came in contact with the wall, sending a burst of throbbing pain throughout my skull.

”I want to know if you’d let me kiss you,” he asked, his voice barely above a whisper.

I gaped at him for a moment, the contact to the back of my head knocking my senses awry for a moment before I gathered my wits once again and shrugged.

”You could have asked me that downstairs, Draco,” I stated calmly, “But, if you must – we’re going to have to get acquainted sometime. Might as well be now.”

I didn’t know it until a few minutes later, but those were the absolute wrong words to say at that moment in time.

He leaned forward almost shyly and placed his lips on mine, quite obviously not knowing what to do. I coaxed his lips to move a bit, and soon he was following my lead. It was only a minute later when he finally opened his mouth a bit, allowing me to slip my tongue through, surprising him enough to make him back up a bit.

”How – where did you learn to kiss like that?” he panted slightly, eyes starring at me with mild astonishment.

I shrugged, “I was taught,” and left it at that.

He took a moment to regain his composure from the sloppy kiss, and as he did I saw a fire in his eyes that alerted me of his intensions almost immediately.

When he moved in once more and kissed me, he was more forceful than before; it was when he reached under the sweater I was wearing that set off warning bells inside my head and made me push him away, my own mind spinning.

”What do you think you’re doing?” I demanded, crossing my arms after adjusting my shirt.

He smirked, “I want to sleep with you, Pansy – is that so hard to understand?”

I froze for a moment, not knowing what to say. I was sure he would have waited until we were at least sixteen to even considering doing something like that – we were fourteen, and barely at that.

”You’ll have me soon enough,” I stated far more calmly than I felt, “A little bit of waiting won’t hurt you, and I’m not about to dishonor the family name by falling pregnant. We’re only fourteen and frankly, there’s no way in hell you’ll get me to do anything with you.”

He glared at me, angered by the sudden loss of his playtoy. “You said it might as well be now – why does that rule apply to kissing, but not to sex?”

I sighed, “There’s a huge difference, Draco, and until I know you love me, I’m not going to have sex with you.”

He raised an eyebrow once more, “And what if I never love you?”

”Then I guess you’ll just have to wait for the wedding night, won’t you?” I shot back at him, turning around and preparing to leaving. He had other plans however, and he quickly took a step forward, pinning me against the wall and pressing his body against mine, making sure I knew exactly how much he wanted release.

With quick grace he managed even in this situation, his hand was traveling down my stomach and finally into a place he had absolute no right to go, clothes or no clothes, and a wicked smile played across his looks.

To be honest, he scared me more than he ever had and ever would at that exact moment.

”Do you know what this is, Pansy?” he sneered, showing exactly how inexperienced he was by the movement of his fingers over my clothing.

I stood wide-eyed and silent, as he continued for a moment, his own twisted mind somehow enjoying this little contact.

With no warning, his thrust his hips forward almost instinctually, making me wince slightly – not with pain, but with dread and intense surprise.

”Do you know what that is, Pansy?” he drawled, “It’s what’s going to make you mine. You’re never going to be able to back down… If not now, it’ll be worse later on, I will guarantee you that.”

With a sudden flurry of movement, I jerked myself away from his grip and stumbled towards the door, trying desperately to keep my composure as I unlocked the door with shaking fingers, turning once more towards him as I heard the lock click satisfyingly.

”I’ll take my chances.”

With that, I walked out the door, inwardly shaking more than I ever had before.

Don’t Break.