Worth the Pain

My name is Hermione Granger. And I have serious problems with the concept of love.

In my mind, I believe that love is a double-edged sword. It makes you feel so wonderful, while, at the same time, making you more susceptible to being hurt. Love gives you a sense of conviction that you had not thought yourself to possess; but it also weakens you, makes you watch your every move.

I have experienced love, and I'm not saying it's a bad thing. It's great, it really is. Love is worth it; however, the pain that goes with it is not.

Yes, I have been in love. Madly, wildly, recklessly in love- well, as crazy and irresponsible as I can get. I loved someone with my whole heart; I told him things I had never told anyone before; I changed my entire self for him.

And what did he do? He acted like a man. He broke my heart, walked out of my life, and left me to pick up the pieces.

This man was Ronald Weasley, a long time boyfriend and even longer friend. Someone who I had never thought was capable of causing me pain. Someone who, once, I had been so sure would never tear my heart into shambles. Someone who would love me forever. Someone, who, if could not be my lover, would always be my friend.

I was wrong on all accounts. Ron was not above saying cruel things to me; he didn't seem to care if I was having personal trouble and needed a shoulder to cry on. I felt like I was all wrong for him, like I could never be good enough for him. And what did he do when I told him this? Ignored me. Shoved me out of his life. Made the distance between us unbearable.

Of course, it took us awhile before we reached that point. An entire year, in fact. When we first started going out, I felt like the luckiest girl in the world. I was in love. I had the man of my dreams. Nothing could have been better.

Ron was also more affectionate at that time. We rarely fought- we were usually doing " other things..." Perhaps that was when things started going downhill. When our relationship became more and more focused on the " other things " than on real love.

Finally, after more than three years, I asked Ron to marry me. Yes, you heard me right. I asked him. It was always like that between Ron and me. He never made advances first, and, occasionally, he would refuse mine out of spite. But I had no idea of what was coming next.

He refused me. Told me he couldn't deal with big commitments like that. Said he was young and didn't want to be tied down. Naturally, I was furious. I told him that it was all or nothing. I couldn't continue to live and love a man without knowing he felt the same.

Guess what he chose? Nothing. As if this rejection wasn't enough, he confessed something that threw me totally off balance. Something that made me wonder how I could be so blind, so foolish. " Hermione," he admitted, shifting his weight from foot to foot. " I've been meaning to tell you... I'm gay."

Gay. Gay!?!? It was too much for me to bear. How could Ron, my close friend for years, my boyfriend of three years, be homosexual? In a voice that was cold and calm, far from what I felt inside, I told him to get out and never to speak to me again. He didn't protest.

I was too pained to think beyond Ron for the next couple of months. How could he lie to me, when he said he loved me? How could he lead me on like that? Why?

Life became too much for me to face. I stayed closed in my tiny, cramped apartment, never going out or talking to anyone, in danger of being evicted for not paying the bills and getting fired from my job. Those months were, perhaps, the darkest days of my life. What Ron had done to me made me question myself. It made me rethink who I was, who I had become for him; it made me doubt my morals and standards.

Harry came to visit as soon as he heard what had happened. When I saw him, he looked pale and shaken. His emerald eyes were wide and full of concern- all for me.

I don't think I had ever totally appreciated how much of a good friend Harry was until then. He held me in his arms and rocked my until my sobs subsided. He comforted and consoled me as Ron never had. He boosted my spirits and my confidence until I felt almost human again. He convinced me to get up and re-build my life on top of the pieces of the old one. " You can't change the past, Mione," he gently told me, gazing at me with utmost sincerity. " You can only change the future. Change yours for the better."

He made me promise to try. He made me swear on everything between us that I would not break down and give up on life anymore. And so I did. In return, he vowed he would never leave me, as Ron had. He swore that he would always be there for me, as a friend.

Soon, I lived for Harry. I lived for the promises we made. When days went by without seeing Harry, I mourned. I never felt complete unless if I was with him. It wasn't love- no, no, it was too soon for that. I was still devastated about Ron and was not ready to risk opening my heart in such a way again. But it was a strong and close bond nonetheless.

I must admit, I was jealous when he announced his engagement to Ginny Weasley, Ron's younger sister. I was jealous of Ginny; she had the man she loved, while I was left to pine away after mine. I wanted Harry all to myself. Sharing him with Ginny was not appealing to me. I was afraid of becoming hurt again; I figured that, once Ginny was in the picture, Harry would be too busy and forget me.

Harry, being the considerate, watchful person he was, noticed my insecurities and banished them with a laugh and a hug. " You'll always be important to me, Hermione," he reassured me.

I believed him. I reconciled myself to their marriage. Ginny and I had always gotten along relatively well, and, during the course of her engagement to Harry, we became good friends. Oftentimes, I find myself thinking of those days. They have the label of " The Good Old Days " in my mind. We three would almost always spend the weekends at each other's houses and talk, eat, joke, play games, and reminisce about the our school day. The subject of Ron, however, could not be avoided, as he was a part of all my memories, and, for awhile, this caused my heart to give a little sob. In the end it was a good thing, though. Talking more about Ron helped me to move onward and let go of my old feelings for him; we both had new lives to live and that did not include each other being in them.

One night, though, I was totally unprepared to find Ron, sitting with none other than Luna Lovegood on Harry and Ginny's couch, holding hands. My blood rushed to my face and I left the room as swiftly as I had entered it, panting and wild eyed. " How could Harry do this to me?" I thought furiously, tears pricking at my eyes. " How could he hurt me like this?"

An obnoxious voice in my ear kept telling me, " He is a man, you know. All men are the same. None of them are worth it. Haven't you gotten that through your thick, stupid skull yet?"

Ginny hastily came to check on me the next day. I had disappeared that night, leaving the flat and not returning to my house. I contented myself with wandering mindlessly, numbly, throughout the city park until dawn approached. Even then, I didn't go home. I took out my woe at a bar, which turned out to be one of the most stupid things I've done.

Too drunk to speak, let alone stand and make it back to my flat, I hung out around the bar until- miracle of miracles- Draco Malfoy walked in, looking like a saint, what with his golden hair gleaming as the glaring sunlight filtered in through the open door. He recognized me at once, as well as my condition, and escorted me home, vaguely amused that Hermione Granger, old Head Girl at Hogwarts and all around goody-two-shoes, was drunk off her ass. He quickly placed a Sobering Charm on me, as I was in no state to perform even a simple spell myself, and was about to leave when...

Minutes later, Ginny appeared, looking extremely hassled and panicked. When she saw me, she flung her arms around me and wailed, " Thank God you're safe! Bloody hell, Hermione, when you ran out of the flat last night like the devil himself was on your heels, Harry nearly had a heart attack! We all thought you were going to do something stupid..."

" Like what?" I interrupted, backing away from her. " Like be justifiably angry and hurt that you would do that to me? Like be so distressed that I'd be tempted to commit suicide?" Ginny flinched and I smirked. " I assure you, the idea had occurred to me. It's nice to know that you're all so concerned with my feelings, considering you were the ones who hurt them in the first place." Ginny opened up her mouth, as if to protest, but I held up a hand, silencing her. " Go!" I snapped, my eyes flashing with the ferocity of my rage. I was past crying. I was pissed.

Ginny listened to me and left, mumbling apologies and casting curious glances to Malfoy. " What are you doing here?" she demanded.

He raised an eyebrow but before he could reply, I raised my wand threateningly at Ginny and told her if she didn't leave within ten seconds I would hex her so badly she'd never be able to walk again. Malfoy laughed at Ginny's shocked, and, yes, frightened expression, before she Disapparated.

" That was highly amusing, Granger," he drawled, sticking his hands into his pockets.

" Not for me, it wasn't," I said, but the heat was gone from my tone. I collapsed onto my couch, drew my knees up to my chest, and laid my head down on them, fighting down the lump in my throat.

Malfoy seemed to be considering something. " Would you blast my head off if I asked why you were drinking yourself into oblivion?" he finally blurted out, curiosity shining in his steely gray eyes.

So I told him. I told him everything, right from the beginning down to Ron turning out not to be gay and Harry and Ginny flaunting it in front of my face. I didn't know why I was telling him all of it; gods, it was Malfoy, my old school rival and notorious ex Death Eater. It made no sense for me to be pouring out my heart to him.

Amazingly enough, he listened. He even wrapped his arm around me at one point, silently sharing my grief. I laid it all out on him and he made me feel better the only way I guess he knew how- he made love to me.

It was absolutely incredible. I had thought I felt good when Ron and I had... done it, before, but with Malfoy- no, scratch that, Draco- kissed me I felt like I was melting into a puddle at his feet. His kisses left me breathless and light headed; all sane and logical thought flew out of my head and I only knew that I wanted Draco, wanted him more than anything I'd ever wanted in my life.

The next morning, when coherent thoughts returned, the consequences of our actions hit me full force. For starters, I had mind blowing sex with a man who I had not seen in years; secondly, it was unprotected. I sat bold upright in my bed, looking down suspiciously at my stomach, as if searching for some tale tell sign of pregnancy.

Draco stirred beside me, and his hand reached out to fell across the bed for my warm presence. His hand found my thigh, and his touch sent tingles down my spine. He opened his eyes and his lips curved in a genuine smile. " G'morning," he said, stretching.

I remained frozen to the spot. " How could he possibly act so casual?" I thought bitterly. " After what we just shared?"

His smile fell a bit, but he retained his teasing air. " What, no good morning kiss?" he asked, with just a hint of hopefulness in his voice.

I couldn't help but crack a weak smile. " No," I said sadly, drawing the covers up higher around myself.

Draco lost all pretense at cheerfulness. His face darkened considerably, and got up out of bed, pulled his clothes off of the floor, yanked them on, and headed for the door.

" Where are you going?" I cried, standing up as well, pulling the sheets up with me.

" Leaving," he said curtly. " That's what you want, isn't it?"

I started to run after him, but tripped over the tangled sheets in the process. I would have taken a nasty fall had Draco not caught me. For a second, I stared, mesmerized, into his eyes, but he soon righted me and abruptly released me, turning his back on me.

I couldn't take it if he walked out of the door, out of life forever, just as Ron had done to me before. I grabbed his arm, holding him back. " Draco... Please..." I felt the tears coursing down my cheeks, and I could tell he was crying too. He stiffened visibly as I touched him, making as if to head for the door again, but still I clung onto him. " I... I don't know what I want... Everything's so mixed up right now..." I was babbling and I knew it. " Please, just stay with me... I do know that I won't be able to live with myself if I let you go," I pleaded.

That did it. Draco spun around to face me and kissed me fiercely, our tears mingling as I wrapped my arms around is neck and drew him closer...

The relationship with Draco lasted much longer than anyone had expected, I think, although it did come to an end as everyone had predicted. Harry, needless to say, was not pleased at first, but he got used to it, as I had with him and Ginny. I had forgiven them both for the Ron incident. Ginny swore Ron had not told her he was bringing his girlfriend, and Harry, likewise, said that he had forgotten that we had agreed to meet that night. I bit my tongue when he said that, because we met every weekend night, but both my injured heart and headstrong head got around the fact that I had encountered Ron due to Ginny and Harry. Ron was never mentioned again, although it was certain he would be at the upcoming wedding. I had steeled myself for the encounter, knowing that with Draco, I could face ten Lord Voldermorts without fear. Draco and I were lovers for four glorious months, up until the last night before Harry and Ginny's wedding...

The four of us had dined at an elegant restaurant and were coming to Harry and Ginny's house for a bit of unwinding. Ginny and I talked excitedly about the wedding dresses and the activities planned for afterwards while Draco grudgingly congratulated Harry. I should have known something was odd about the way Ginny was distracted, sending awkward glances at Draco every now and then, but I put it down to nerves about the next day. After all, who wouldn't be scared? I knew I certainly would be.

I felt no bitterness or resentment towards Ginny or Harry now. I had Draco, and that was good enough for me. I fairly glowed at the thought of the future wedding I was certain would happen between us. Thinking about being married to Draco filled me with a warm sense of pride and pleasure. I couldn't wait until the day I would call him mine forever.

It never occurred to me that things might end up differently. I doubt it possibly even crossed Harry's mind, either.

Ginny was looking a little flushed, and she muttered something about getting a drink. Harry rose to go with her at the exact same time Draco did. Even that obvious sign of danger I chose to ignore. " It's okay," Draco told me, kissing my cheek lightly. He patted Harry's back, said something to him I couldn't hear, and Harry sat back down.

We sat in silence for a few minutes, but then Harry took my hand and said nervously, " You're... You're okay with this, aren't you?"

I laughed. He looked like an eager puppy. " Of course, Harry," I told him, smiling warmly at him. " I want you to be happy."

" I hope so," Harry remarked, and we both shared a friendly embrace. " You are happy with him, aren't you? If he ever hurts you..." Harry's jaw clenched.

" Likewise for Ginny," I said, equally serious. " And, to answer your question, yes, I am."

" Good," Harry said, relaxing slightly.

" Playing the protective older brother?" I asked, punching him on the arm.

Harry threw me a mock reproachful look. " You need one," he said, rubbing his arm, " with all the trouble you get yourself into." He let out an exaggerated moan of pain and his face took on a pained expression. " Ouch, Mione," he groaned. " You pack a punch!"

I rolled my eyes and was about to remark on men being such babies when I heard a loud crash. I frowned. Now that I thought about it, Draco and Ginny had been taking some time... Was something wrong?

Harry was reading along the same lines as me. " They could be just giving us some time to talk," he mused, but his eyes held doubt.

" Why the crash, then?" I demanded, rising to my feet. I strode determinedly through the door and out into the hallway, Harry at my heels. I thrust open the kitchen door, and what I saw ultimately changed my life, as well as Harry's, forever.

Ginny and Draco were engaged in a kiss, Draco pressing Ginny up against the wall. As I watched, aghast, Ginny threw her head back and moaned as Draco suckled her neck. Her eyes fluttered open and came to rest on Harry and I standing in the doorway. A broken glass was at her feet; water had leaked out onto the tiles. Draco, with that uncanny sixth sense of his, realized that they had an audience and lifted his head, his eyes dark with passion. I knew that look all too well.

Harry's fists were clenched and I could hear him gnashing his teeth behind me. His breathing was fast and furious. Surprisingly, I felt no anger, no betrayal, just a deep feeling of disgust.

Ginny had separate herself from Draco and was twisting her hands anxiously, her eyes lowered in shame and her cheeks flaming with embarrassment. Her red hair was disheveled and flew around her face, having the look as if she had just gone through a tousle- which, undoubtedly, she had. " Harry," she whispered, daring a glance at him. What she saw made her whimper. " Please..."

" Not - a - word," Harry snarled, taking a menacing step towards Draco. I laid a restraining hand on his arm. " Don't, Harry," I said, my tone firm and commanding. " They aren't worth it." To Ginny and Draco, I said, my voice low and laced with threat, " As for you two, get out of here. Never come back again."

Ginny was livid. " This is my house!" she screeched, ears turning red.

" And you were supposed to be my wife!" Harry bellowed, withdrawing his wand. Hand shaking, he pointed it at the pair of them. Ginny eyed it warily, whereas Draco remained cool and impassive. " Get out!" Harry yelled, and I could see he was about to cry. " Now!"

They left. They walked out of the front door, but, before I could get the satisfaction of slamming it their face, Draco looked at me and caught my eyes. Helpless to resist, I listened to his next words. " Hermione..." he looked distinctly uncomfortable, as if his next words would cost him more than he was willing to give. " I'm... sorry."

" Not as sorry as I am to have met you," I spat, and then got the surge of pleasure at his shocked face when I slammed the door shut- right in his face. I don't think he thought anyone would dare do that to a Malfoy, and it gave me a deep satisfaction to be the first.

I headed back to the living room, where numerous crashing noises and strings of curses floated to my ears. I cautiously stepped in, peeking my head out from the door. Broken picture frames littered the floor, and sharp bits of glass glinted wickedly. Pictures of Ginny and Harry, together, lay tattered and torn in shreds. As I watched, Harry grabbed a glass figure of a boy riding a broomstick and threw it across the room. It shattered instantly as it hit the other wall.

" Er- Harry?" I asked timidly, stepping inside, careful to avoid the glass shards. It was an absolute disaster area. " It'll be fun to pick up later," I grimly reflected.

Harry ignored me. Tears were coursing down his cheeks. More curses sprang from his mouth, some that I didn't even know. His voice was going hoarse from all his roaring.

" Harry, please!" I cried. I took a chance and flung myself at him, trying to stop him from upturning the couch. " Harry! Harry!" I shook him, and the tears I had been refusing to acknowledge began to fall.

Harry blinked and stopped. I clutched his shirt as tightly as I could. " Is this what it feels like?" he asked roughly, grabbing my arms and forcing me to look up at him. " Is it?"

" Don't," I said through clenched teeth. I brushed my tears away. I had to be strong. For Harry. " Don't let her do this to you."

The roles were reversed this time around. It was I who held Harry, who rocked him through his tears, who listened to his tale of woe. It was I who comforted him, who made him promise not to let this bring him down. I told him that Ginny was undeserving of him. I told him he could make it on his own. And, at the same time as I was reassuring him, I was telling myself the same things. " I don't need Draco Malfoy," I thought, stubbornly sticking out my chin. " I deserve better."

Harry looked at me through bleary, red eyes. His glasses had been fogged up. Laughing half-heartedly, I removed them, and his eyes, so full of pain, stood out more clearly than ever. " Why do I loose everyone?" he asked, sounding lost. " Why is it always me? My parents, Sirius, and now Ginny..." His grip on me had become almost painful.

" Harry," I murmured, " you'll never loose me."

From that time on, Harry and I became even closer, if that was possible. Whenever I had a problem, I turned to Harry. Whenever Harry had a problem, he turned to me. I never dated after that. I hardened my heart to all but Harry. There was no way I was going to let another man in, let another man hurt me like Draco and Ron had.

And then, one night, Harry asked me over, sounding urgent...

I arrived at his house. He had sold the old one since Ginny and he had separate, which I was glad for. Living in the same place that had so many memories connected with your lost love was like hell- I knew. I didn't bother knocking on the door; my hand found the spare key and in I strode. Harry had sounded worried on the phone... What could be wrong now?

The lights in the house were out. A cold fear gripped my chest. What if-? " No, don't think like that," I reproached myself.

The back door was open. I ran outside and sighed with relief as I saw Harry, staring up at the sky, illuminated by the moonlight. I sat beside him, and he took my hand, entertaining our fingers. " Hey," I said softly.

" Hey," he replied, still gazing at the stars. I looked at them too; it had always been a favorite past time of mine. It seemed like we sat there for hours, until Harry broke the silence by saying, " Hermione?"

I glanced at him curiously. He sounded strange. Hesitant. But why? " Yes?"

He took a deep breath and I recognized the glint of determination in his eyes. His hand tightened on mine. " Hermione... I don't know how to say this..."

" Say what?" My tongue snaked out to moisten my suddenly dry lips. I saw Harry watch it, his features softening.

Harry closed his eyes. " Do you remember when we first met?" he asked abruptly. He smiled at me.

I grinned back. " Of course I do," I said. " On the train. Ron had dirt on his nose, and you looked so ordinary I had trouble believing you were the real Harry Potter." Talking about Ron was no longer as painful as it had been. I knew it would always cause a twinge of remorse, but nothing more.

Harry chuckled. " It seems like ages ago, doesn't it? We've been through so much..." I nodded, privately thinking that none had gone through so much as Harry. He had faced the losses of his loved ones, become a murderer in order to protect the ones he had left, and lived to tell the tale... " But through it all, you've always been there," Harry continued, his voice growing gentler with every word. " And now I know... I don't think I could live with myself if you aren't always there in the future."

His other hand reached up to caress my face, and my breath caught in my throat. Harry couldn't mean... Could he? No, it wasn't possible... This was Harry, my best friend in the entire world... Harry's lips touched mine, and all I could feel was warmth and... well... a feeling that was so right, like nothing else before this had mattered. " This is Harry, alright," I thought dazedly. " The one man who's been beside me all my life... The one who's always cared..."

A realization hit me and I broke away from the kiss. No... I couldn't... " I love you, Harry," I whispered, the words being torn from my lips.

Harry wrapped his arms around me. " I know," he said simply. " I know."

And from that day on, Harry and I have lived in laughter and love. We have a family, we have a home, and, most importantly, we have each other. Harry has taught me a few things about life and love. True love is something you only get once in life. True love is worth it.

Harry was worth it.