Can't

Can't

Tonks stepped into the dark doorway of Number Twelve, Grimmald Place, for once not minding the oppressive gloom of the old townhouse. Her face was alight with an anticipatory grin as she entered the foyer, her trainers squeaking on the wooden floor.

"Remus?" she called quietly, not wanting to awaken the resident banshee.

A light shone from the kitchen stairs, and she gave a quiet exclamation upon noticing it, skipping down the staircase until she stood at the bottom. She stood for a moment before the door, looking at the bright strip of light shining at her feet, and bit her lip in nervous excitement. Gripping her arms tightly, she smiled, teeth gleaming in the darkness, then called out louder this time, "Remus?"

A low murmur answered her from within, just distinguishable as the voice of the one she'd been seeking. Tonks jumped, startling herself, and then brought her quivering fingers to her mouth.

One hand ineffectually smoothing her vibrant hair, she pushed into the room with the other, letting the heavy door swing back as she stepped forward and into the kitchen.

And there he was. His dear face tired as ever, but creased in a smile just for her.

Her stomach lurched uncharacteristically, and she scolded herself - what did she have to be nervous about, now? Perhaps it was just the unbelievable joy bubbling inside her, struggling to be expressed. Tonks wanted to run around the mansion whooping, defying its morbid atmosphere; she wanted to dance with Remus through the corridors until every last shadow was chased away from the dark corners of the house, and from his face.

Just the thought that he was finally hers made her feel as if she were somehow more than simply flesh and blood and bone. For the first time she felt the presence of her soul as a living thing inside her, burning with vitality. Burning for Remus.

Tonks opened her mouth to say something brilliant and romantic, to turn his mind to mush with her charm.

"Wotcher, Remus," she blurted, and winced.

He grinned back at her. "Hello, Tonks." The warmth in his voice indicated to her that she didn't have to be anything but what she was to make him happy, and this made her throat suddenly tight. She looked down at her scuffed trainers.

"What's the matter?" The grave concern in his voice made her look up. He had a strange sort of look on his face - almost resigned, although what that might be about, she had no idea.

She smiled foolishly at him. "Nothing. It just hit me, that's all - how happy I am." With you, was the unspoken postscript, but she knew from the look in his eyes that Remus had heard it.

He smiled back at her, the laugh lines blooming on his face paradoxically making him look younger rather than older. But then his smile fell away; something odd passed over his face, and he dropped his eyes to the table.

"I was just - having lunch..." he said uncertainly, gesturing toward his half-empty plate.

"Tonks laughed at his sudden awkwardness, finding it adorable. So she wasn't the only one feeling a bit overwhelmed. "Sorry! D'you want to finish it then?"

"No, I... couldn't eat now," he said with a rather intense look.

Tonks coughed, feeling her cheeks heat. "Oh, yes, well. Who needs food? I'd much rather -" she broke off, her courage deserting her at the last moment. Why was she reduced to a babbling schoolgirl in front of him now, when she finally had proof of his affections? Frustrated, she stiffened her spine and strode across to where he sat.

Looking down into his confused gaze, she grabbed his shabby collar, hauled him up, and planted her mouth firmly on his, telling him eloquently what she had been unable to express in words. He responded with a surprising fervour that spoke clearly of his earlier restraint. Tonks had always wondered at his unnatural calm, and felt a thrill to realize that only she could get at the strong currents that ran beneath the still surface.

He pushed her away abruptly.

"Wait," he said with desperate sort of gasp.

Still reeling from the kiss, and its abrupt end, Tonks could only stare at him in confusion.

"I can't do this," he said quietly, his hands tightening on her upper arms as if to mock his words. His Adam's apple bobbed.

"I don't understand... Are you feeling all right?"

"I - yes - no... We can't be together, Tonks."

She stiffened, an icy shock going through her body, and a tiny part of her mind saying, I knew it. Remus opened his hands, and she stepped away from him, leaving him standing with his palms up as if in supplication.

She hated the sight of them.

"Don't you - I thought you said you - " she struggled to make sense of his words.

"I do. Very much so." He closed his eyes, a pained look coming across his face. "But it would never work between us, you know that."

Tonks felt a biting anger rise up within her, fast enough to overtake the awful hurt she was feeling. "I don't know that at all!"

His eyes flared. "Yes, you do. I'm too old for you, Tonks, I can barely scrape a living for myself - I have nothing to give you but a ruined body, and a cursed one at that!"

"Oh, bollocks," she scoffed. "Ruined, my arse! And as for being cursed - what do I care about that? It's not as if I didn't know, is it, and I feel for you anyway. I don't care."

"Well, I do. And I can't be in a relationship with anyone, especially someone like you. I'm not fit for it."

"Don't fuck with me, Remus. If it doesn't matter to me I don't see why it should to you." She paused, something cold curling in her stomach. 'Someone like you,' he'd said. "Unless... unless you just don't want to be with me anymore." A deafening silence filled the dingy kitchen.

I should have known. God, I should have known. She couldn't look at him, and stared at the dirty floor instead.

Finally, painfully, he spoke.

"I don't. I don't want to - be with you."

Tonks suddenly couldn't breathe. A heavy weight pushed her chest in, and hot tears rose in her eyes. The ugly tiles melted into a blur of green and brown.

"If that's what you think," she gasped out. "If that's what you really think, then why did you say - what you said, to me yesterday? I could have gone on thinking this was some sort of silly crush -"

"Tonks, I -"

She cut him off. "No! I would've gotten over you! But you had to look at me like you did, and say what you said, and the way you - I can't forget that, Remus!" Her voice broke on his name. "You can't ask me to forget it!"

"Nymphadora," he said, and she knew he was trying to distance himself from her. She felt a stabbing pain in her chest.

"Don't call me Nymphadora, Remus," she choked out. "It's Tonks."

She fled.