Saying Good-bye to a Fool

Saying Good-Bye to a Fool

"Ah, Remus!" Professor Dumbledore paused at the open door, and then entered the library at 12 Grimmauld Place with a slight smile. "I was hoping to talk to you this evening."

Remus Lupin looked up from the parchment he was marking, his eyes surrounded by dark circles. "Good evening, Professor Dumbledore. How are you?"

Dumbledore allowed himself a seat across from the mahogany desk Lupin was working at. "Saddened, but well. After all the hard effort this past year, it is disheartening to see this house returned to its original gloom. My only comfort is that the secrets whispered here remain as such. Miss Tonks has certainly been a blessing."

"Yes," Remus responded distractedly. "Yes she has."

The eyes of the aging Professor traveled to the ceiling, which also served as the floor of the master bedroom; Tonks new bedroom. All the occupants of Grimmauld Place were aware or Tonk's solitude, but only Lupin was bothered by it.

"However, I did not come here to discuss the lady of the house. You do recall that last evening I asked if you would give a speech at Sirius' services?"

Remus nodded his head as he chewed on the end of his quill, his eyes on the parchment.

"It will no longer be necessary, I'm afraid. None of whom would be attending can do so, though for reasons they can not control."

Finally, Remus looked up, his eyes curious.

Hands folded together, Dumbledore sighed. "No Ministry worker can attend due to the situation we are all too well aware of, and that includes the whole of the Weasley family. Unfortunately, that means the employees of the school and myself, also. Hermione finds it impossible to leave her home until the school year begins, and Harry and Tonks...well, they wish to grieve in private."

There would be no funeral for Sirius...Lupin thought this over for a long moment. Then he gave one nod.

"If you wish," Dumbledore offered quietly, "I would be more than willing to listen to what you have to say."

Immediately, Lupin shook his head. "Thank you, Professor, but it's quite all right. This speech was becoming too personal to share, anyway."

Dumbledore looked sadder than Lupin ever remembered seeing him. Lupin felt guilty for a moment, but tried to reassure his former Headmaster and employer that it was fine.

"Remember, Remus, that as long as we have our memories, the ones we love never truly leave us." Dumbledore stood, and with a good night, left the library.

He also left Remus deep in thought. So much so, that he couldn't sleep that night. When it became too much, he crept from his bed, tiptoed to the master bedroom, and sat outside the door to listen to Tonks cry.

***

The services would have been held the next morning, but all that remained of the idea was a written speech. Shortly before dawn, Remus dressed and left Grimmauld Place. There was no indication of where he was headed, but he left a note for Tonks that said he would be back shortly.

Lupin didn't arrive at his destination straight away, but chose to take a more memorable route. Standing on the Hogwarts grounds, staring at the Whomping Willow, he felt foolish. Shaking it off, he picked up a long stick, touched the knot at the base of the trunk, and made his way to the Shrieking Shack.

Not a detail of the place had changed, except maybe for a thicker layer of dust. It was still dark, musky, rundown, and creaking. He didn't feel at home, despite everything that had happened during his life within those walls. Looking at a chair that, due to him, only had three legs, he felt alienated. It was not a new feeling. He had been alone ever since that werewolf had cursed him with the same fate. Not even three Animagus friends could change that.

Upstairs in the bedroom where Sirius' innocence was uncovered, Lupin settled down on the bed. He pictured the thinned fugitive lying on the floor, grinning up at him like a fool. The emotion Lupin had felt at that moment surprised even him. Though he was relieved to know the truth, it made him that much angrier at Sirius. What a fool that idiot had been, Lupin thought bitterly.

With a sigh, and desperately wanting to leave the place, Lupin pulled out the parchment from the night before. He was secretly thankful the services were cancelled, because the speech he had been working on wasn't meant for anyone other than Sirius. He hadn't even started on the one he would have read.

After clearing his throat, he began to read what took hours to pen down.

"To start this speech with the praise a person usually receives after their death is impossible. Knowing you the way I do, Sirius Black, I can say you are worthy of little, if any, praise.

"While you were different than the rest, your last name still said much about your character. You were, even on your dying day, a hateful, selfish wizard who thought they were better than most. While pureblood, mixed blood, or half-breeds mattered little to you, those who were not as smart, good looking, talented or even clean as you were beneath your feet. You took not a second thought to tease, torture and humiliate anyone you felt like, and you simply laughed in the face of those who tried to stand up against your acts of stupidity.

"You did strut through the corridors at school, and made it habit to break any rule you did not care for, and even some you had no trouble otherwise abiding. You pressured some your friends to do the same, and did not care how many others you hurt in your little schemes. James and Peter went willingly, but my attempts at resistance always did get under your skin. I know that is part of the reason we never became as close as some believe we were.

"You were rude, obnoxious sometimes, and always wanted to know what you could get out of the deal first. I know better than to believe you took on the dangerous, illegal task of becoming an Animagus just because I needed companionship during the full moon. It was the danger and boasting rights that sealed any doubt you held.

"But we were friends, truly, and it was because I genuinely liked you. You had a way of making us all laugh, even when we were huddled in a cramped space, trying to hide from those who sought to kill. Maybe I was wrong, maybe there is something to praise. You did support Dumbledore in the fight against Voldemort. Unlike the rest of your family, you stood up for what was right. You honestly believed in the cause, and risked your life to help."

Lupin paused for a moment, and looked to the space where a young boy had stood merely two years prior, so angry over the loss of his parents that at the age of thirteen, he was ready to kill in order to get revenge. The parchment in his hands gently shook.

"This is where we come back to your selfishness. Even you, Sirius, were not mad enough to make Peter Pettigrew Secret Keeper and believe you were doing the right thing. You knew from the minute he started following you and James around the castle that he was a weak boy and that he gave in easily, especially to opposing forces. I have to wonder why. It is all I will ever be able to do. All I can conclude is that Voldemort knew about you, and you were too afraid. A Gryffindor and a Black, afraid? What other explanations are there, Sirius? You never told me anything after you escaped. You never even told me you switched.

"The moment you would have asked, I would have taken on the responsibility. I would have died for them gladly. You never asked. I can only wonder why."

Another deep breath. Another shaky sigh. The parchment was rattling so much now, that the knuckles clutching it were white. Lupin's voice came out hoarse. He was almost shouting.

"I still remember the way you yelled at Peter that night. 'Die,' you roared, 'die rather than betray your friends'! Was that your guilt speaking? Did you sit in Azkaban thinking that if you only stayed Secret Keeper, Lily and James might still be alive? Did you even think that if you had died, they would still be alive? Only you knew, Sirius, and your death would have been their saving grace! Harry would have known his parents, Sirius! Did you think about Harry? Even just once?"

His strength failed him, and Lupin calmed. It took him a few moments to compose himself properly, but when he was settled, he read on.

"I did. For twelve years I pondered those thoughts. I watched Harry grow from a distance, whishing every moment that I would have died with that secret. You may not have killed Lily and James, but I still blame you. You betrayed them by placing their lives in the hands of a coward. I can never think another way, because you never told me why. You were always the selfish fool, Sirius. Always."

Finally freed of every tormenting thought of the past fifteen years, Lupin started a fire in the grate and threw the parchment inside. As he watched it burn, one tear formed.

"But I know that you were sorry every moment afterwards." He wiped at his eyes. "And I forgive you."

With a snap, he left the Shrieking Shack for the last time. He was headed back to Grimmauld Place; back to apologize to Tonks for everything he had said about Sirius the morning before.

The End