Shadow on My Heart

Chapter 28: Blankies and Bonnets and Booties?

It was the Friday before O.W.L. and N.E.W.T. exams were scheduled to begin. Severus was insanely busy, preparing four groups of students for the tests. He was spending much of his time in the dungeons, supervising the seventh years. Most of them were progressing nicely, working through the final preparations for their presentations. He was taking a rare break in his office when his solitude was interrupted by someone knocking on the door.

"Enter." The door creaked open, and a terrified Hufflepuff first year girl stared at him. He had forgotten how small they were. "Well?"

"Sorry to bother you, Professor Snape... "

"Then don't."

"But, sir." She looked like she was going to cry. "It's Professor Hawkins. She's just fainted in class. We think..."

He didn't give her time to finish, nearly knocking the poor little girl over as he bolted out the door. Inside the classroom, Callista was struggling to sit up as several of the first years crowded around her. At the sight of him, the class immediately fell silent. He could see that their desire to flee was battling with their need to make sure their beloved professor was safe. He half envied her; his N.E.W.T. students would have left him to die on the floor.

"What were they working on?" he demanded, keeping his voice cold.

"I was just demonstrating the proper way to prepare mugwort," Callista replied, as she stood up rather unsteadily. "Really, Professor Snape, I just got a bit lightheaded, that's all."

"Perhaps I should conduct the rest of your class while you visit the infirmary." At this announcement, there was a collective gasp of disbelief and several of the first years began to quiver in fear.

Callista steadied herself. "Thank you, Professor Snape, but that won't be necessary."

"Professor Hawkins, you are obviously incapable of teaching at this time."

"I said I was... " The last bit of color drained from her face, and her knees buckled. Severus barely had time to catch her before she fell. He settled her into the nearest chair.

"Class dismissed!" he barked. This time the first years hastily gathered their things and evacuated the classroom. As soon as the last student was out the door, he allowed his brow to crease with worry. "Now are you going to tell me what happened, or are you going to make me guess? If by some chance you have forgotten, I despise guessing games."

"Honestly, Severus, I'm fine," Callista replied, leaning forward. "It's most likely just all of those late nights are finally catching up with me. There's nothing to worry about."

"Perhaps you should visit Madam Pomfrey," he insisted, frowning at her.

Callista shook her head resolutely. "I'm just tired. If it happens again, I'll see Poppy."

He could tell by the tone of her voice that it was pointless to discuss the matter any further. He sent her up to her office, and he took over her fourth year Potions class that afternoon. By the time the school was sitting down for the evening meal, there were wild rumors floating up and down the house tables. The theory that he found to be most disturbing suggested that he had slipped her a slow-acting poison at breakfast. All talk abruptly halted when Callista came into the Great Hall through the staff entrance. Her face was a bit paler than usual, but she looked very much alive. She sat down in the seat next to his.

"They seem rather surprised to see me," she commented, as she unfolded her napkin.

Severus cleared his throat. "You do realize that the popular theory is I made an attempt on your life?"

Callista was speechless for a moment. "Oh, you can't be serious! Severus, that's utterly ridiculous."

"You seem to have forgotten something, Professor Hawkins," he said, his voice taking on a threatening quality. "I will stop at nothing to obtain the Defense Against the Dark Arts post."

"Well," she said, with a touch of sarcasm, "since you already have half of the job--the better half, mind you--there's no need for you to kill me off. In fact if you want it, you are more than welcome to it. I personally would rather teach Potions over Defense."

"Perhaps you should discuss the matter with the headmaster at the end of the term," he suggested. As much as he preferred teaching only the O.W.L. year and N.E.W.T. level classes, he would make the change for her sake. No, not entirely for her sake; cursed or not, he still wanted the Defense post. And if Callista was more than willing to hand it over to him without question, why should he argue with her?

Severus suddenly felt as if he were being watched. He looked out of the corner of his eye to see Draco Malfoy observing his conversation with Callista with an expression of triumphant confirmation on his pale face. Severus realized too late that the Ferret Prince had taken in the entire scene. Unless Malfoy owned a pair of the Weasley twins' Extendable Ears, it was unlikely that he had heard the exchange over the steady noise in the Great Hall. All the same, he would need to be far more vigilant when he interacted with Callista in public.

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Early the following Friday morning, Severus awoke suddenly from a sound sleep. He rolled over to ask Callista if she had heard anything, only to find her side of the bed empty. With a wave of his hand, the torches flared on the walls. She wasn't in the chair by the fire or anywhere else in the room. A glance at the clock confirmed that it was nearly five in the morning. Perhaps she was already up and in the shower. Then he heard the sound that had yanked him from his slumber: the unmistakable sound of someone being sick. He quickly made his way to the bathroom and found Callista, kneeling next to the toilet, her face pale and sweaty.

"What happened?" he asked, dropping to his knees next to her on the floor.

"I don't know," she said, wiping the beads of moisture from her forehead with the back of a shaking hand. "All of a sudden I just woke up, my stomach was churning, and--"

She suddenly leaned forward, retching violently. He instinctively reached out to stroke her back until she stopped. She looked up at him gratefully.

"Should I get Poppy?" he asked. How could he explain why she was in his chambers?

"No, just get me a wet cloth and a stomach tonic. I think it was something I ate, unless you really are trying to poison me."

"That is not the least bit humorous," he told her, before fulfilling the request for the tonic and towel.

A quarter of an hour later, Severus escorted a shivering Callista back to bed. Several students had recently come down with various ailments that included Callista's symptoms. It was most likely that she was suffering from one of those maladies. Before he left for breakfast, he would Floo with her to her own rooms and would make sure that she contacted Poppy. Now that his O.W.L. and N.E.W.T. students were taking exams, he could cover her classes for the day. He settled back against his pillow to close his eyes for just a few moments....

"Severus, get up. We've overslept." Callista was gently shaking him awake.

He sat up with a start, rubbing his eyes. "Go to your quarters and go back to bed. I don't have any classes today until after the morning break; I can cover for you."

"No, really, I'm fine. I probably just ate something that didn't sit well. Besides, I'm only proctoring exams today. I'll manage," Callista tried to reassure him, as she dressed as quickly as she could.

He was worried about her. She was still looking a bit pale, but reasonably capable of covering her classes. He headed to the bathroom to take a quick shower before breakfast. By the time he returned, Callista had already left.

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The morning passed, and since he wasn't called on to cover her classes, Severus assumed she was managing. He stopped in the staff room during morning break to see if Callista was there on his way to the sixth year Defense class. He found her sitting in the otherwise vacant room, busily reading through the first years' final exams. He settled in his usual chair as he unfolded a copy of the Daily Prophet. Nothing newsworthy, at least.

"I take it you are feeling much better," he said, watching her curiously.

Callista looked up briefly as she continued to check the stack of parchments in front of her. "Still a bit shaky, but much better. Thank you, Severus."

"For what?"

"For taking care of me this morning," she answered. "Most people would have avoided such a nasty situation."

He snorted. "I am not a squeamish person."

Callista put the papers aside and turned to give him a sad smile. "No, I don't suppose you would be, after everything you've seen or done over the years."

Before he could reply, the first bell rang signaling the end of the break. She blew him a kiss as she headed out the door, stuffing the stack of papers into her bag as she went. With an irritated shake of his head, Severus mentally prepared himself to deal with Potter and the rest of the sixth year Defense dunderheads. Perhaps he could manage to take a few points from Gryffindor during the class period.

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Finally, it was the next-to-last day of exams. The end of exams also marked the end of the school year, and in five days and counting, the students would be gone for the summer holiday. The N.E.W.T. and O.W.L. level Defense Against the Dark Arts exams had been completed the day before, and Severus was enjoying the fact that he was essentially free from the demands of the students. He was tired of constantly being at the beck and call of the seventh years, some of whom had been in an advanced state of panic. The fifth years had been no better. Some of them had done so horribly on the practical, that he was sure they hadn't achieved the required 'Outstanding' to continue on to the N.E.W.T. level. At any rate, he would be well shut of them, and he was rather relieved by that fact.

Since all but Callista's second year Defense class and fourth year Potions class were finished with exams, she was able to assist him in his private lab as he brewed various medicinal potions for the infirmary. Dumbledore had decided that all injured Order members were to be brought to the school for treatment; it was too dangerous for them to be sent to St. Mungo's, unless the injuries were well beyond Madam Pomfrey's skill.

Callista was planning to stay at Hogwarts for a large portion of the summer, at the headmaster's request. Severus was sure that she would also be asked to work with Potter over the summer holidays. In fact, he was convinced that this was the reason that they were meeting with the headmaster that evening: to discuss Potter's living arrangements for the summer. Severus was determined that Callista would not be obligated to spend the entire break chaperoning the brat in London.

"Are you all right, Callista? You've been acting oddly all week," he finally asked, when she nearly dropped a beaker.

She didn't look at him. "I'm late, Severus."

"No, we have plenty of time; we aren't meeting the headmaster until five o'clock," he said absently, as he began chopping the foxglove leaves.

"That's not what I'm talking about."

Slowly, the meaning of her words started to sink in. He suddenly stopped chopping the leaves. "You are not saying..."

"It's possible."

Her fainting spell, the vomiting in the early hours of the morning.... He sank into the straight back chair, mixed emotions tumbling down upon him like falling bricks. This couldn't be happening, not now. Things were just too unstable. Besides, he could never be a father to any child. Bloody hell, he didn't even like children! If the news of this ever reached the Dark Lord, Severus would be forced to prove his loyalty. Suddenly he was blinded by a surge of anger. She had done this on purpose! Callista had wanted a child regardless of the fact that they had mutually decided that the risk was too great.

"You're angry, aren't you?" She stood still, as if she were afraid any movement would cause him to lash out at her. "I didn't do this on purpose. We have been careful."

"Obviously not careful enough."

"Severus, this may not even be something we need to worry about."

He scowled at her, his eyes hard. "You mean to tell me you don't even know for certain? Why the bloody hell would you even mention it before you knew?"

Callista turned her back on him, her shoulders shaking. "For some immensely idiotic reason, I thought you would like to be with me when I found out. I deprived you of that once; I didn't want to do that again."

Dear God, she thought I would actually be happy about this! he fumed. A thought crept unbidden into his mind. Any normal man would. Any other man would be delighted that the woman he loves might be carrying his child.

"Which method will you be using, potion or charm?" he asked quietly. He rose to his feet and closed the space that was separating them.

"I have to use a potion. You can only use the charm if you have a wedding band," she said woodenly; he could hear the faintest hint of accusation in her tone. "It's already mixed and waiting. You don't have to be there for me if you don't want to. I'll understand if you don't, or can't. But," she turned to face him, "if you walk out now, it will be for good. You will not walk in and out of my life on a whim."

"I do not appreciate your ultimatums, Callista. However," he said as he lifted her chin, wanting to reassure her. "I have no intentions of abandoning my responsibilities."

She jerked out of his grasp. "You would simply stay because it was your obligation to do so?"

He stared down at her, trying to decide whether or not it was worth it to argue with her. "What do you expect of me? No, more importantly, what do you want from me?"

"I know I won't get what I want from you, so I'll just stick to what I expect. And that is just what you said you would do: accept your responsibilities." He started to speak, but she pressed a finger to his lips. "You don't have to say anything, Severus. You know what I want, and I know what you are able and willing to give. Let's just leave it at that."

For a brief moment, he allowed himself to regret his limitations. He wanted to be able to be everything that she wished and needed him to be, but to allow himself that... impossible.

She went to the fireplace and Flooed to her rooms to retrieve the potion. Upon her return, she carefully measured out the correct portion, placing it in a small glass beaker. She took a long needle and jabbed the side of her thumb, allowing six fat drops of blood to fall into the potion. She mixed it with three counter-clockwise stirs, using a brass spoon. They waited tensely as the potion bubbled before turning a soft shade of green.

Negative. The result was negative. Severus breathed a silent sigh of relief. He looked at Callista's face, only to see a fleeting flicker of disappointment in her eyes. Quickly, so he could not see the sadness in her eyes for any more than a heartbeat, she masked her unhappiness at the result. She stared at the green potion for a moment longer before vanishing it with a wave of her wand.

Wordlessly, she went back to her work, as if the whole incident had never even happened. Her hands, normally as sure and as practiced as his own when slicing ingredients, began to shake. Unable to keep the stoic facade in place any longer, she laid the knife on the cutting board and covered her face with both hands. Completely uncertain as to how to handle the situation, Severus stood quietly, waiting for her to say something.

"I'm sorry," she said, trying to pull herself together. "You probably think I'm just being foolish. You were right, and I was wrong. The timing is all wrong. This is all for the best. We--"

He clutched her shoulders tightly. "Stop. It is more than obvious that you were hoping for a different result. There is no need for you to pretend that you are not upset."

Callista let her head fall forward on to his chest. "Severus, I am so afraid that something terrible is going to happen to you. I just want to... to be sure that I would have some part of you left."

"Callista... " he began. What exactly was he supposed to say to her?

Her arms wrapped around him. "I know I'm being selfish to want this, but I also know it's the right thing."

"Are you of the opinion that if you replaced our son--"

"No, our son was irreplaceable! How could you even suggest such a thing?" She wiped furiously at the tear that was trickling out of the corner of her eye. "You have no idea how it felt to lose him. To watch--"

"And yet you would foolishly risk taking that chance again?" He was practically shouting at her, and he didn't even understand why he was so angry.

"Yes, I would!" There was no hesitation in her voice. "Unlike some people, I'm not afraid to take risks."

"I take risks every time I'm summoned, Callista. Something those idiots in the Order--including you-- seem to keep forgetting!"

"That's not what I mean." She was suddenly calm, even though there was a bitterness in her voice that he wasn't accustomed to hearing. "I'm talking about the type of risk that comes with commitment, Severus. You have no qualms about sleeping with me because you know that you can just walk away as soon as things get too difficult. You're so damn terrified that you won't even consider... "

Marrying her, he finished her thought. So that's where this was leading. The unspoken argument that they had been avoiding for months. He had convinced himself that keeping their relationship a secret would keep her out of harm's way. He knew that there was no way that he could insure her complete safety, but it was the only safeguard that he could offer her. He would rather have her hate him for his lack of commitment than have her end up dead because of it.

"Callista," he said firmly, "you know it can't be helped. Perhaps when our circumstances change--"

"When will that ever happen, Severus?" She was turning back to her task, mechanically chopping the leaves on the cutting board in front of her. After a few irritated slices, she slammed the knife down on the cutting board. "What I don't understand is why you were more than willing to commit to me once before, or was that all part of Voldemort's plan? He knew about our involvement then--encouraged it, even--and eventually, he would have learned about our child. Why is it so different now?"

He didn't have a good explanation for his actions. She was no longer a child who needed his protection; she was a very capable witch. The fact that she had a valid point caused him to become defensive. "It's different because the Dark Lord is under the impression that you mean little, if anything, to me. As long as he thinks that, you are less likely to be targeted."

"Sounds like a load of rubbish to me," Callista snapped, crossing her arms across her chest. "We both know I could be targeted for a multitude of other reasons."

Severus clenched his jaw in an effort to bite back the words that were forcing themselves to the tip of his tongue. He couldn't believe she was being so obtuse. To avoid saying something he was sure to regret later, he wordlessly turned back to his task. With a tug on the sleeve of his robe, Winky made her presence known.

"Professor Snape, sir, Headmaster Dumbledore is asking Winky to fetch you and Mistress Callista." Her huge eyes were tear-filled and her long bat-like ears were drooping. Severus was sure the meddlesome little creature could sense the tension between them, or perhaps she had even been eavesdropping on them. "Headmaster Dumbledore is saying that it is very important to be speaking with you."

Callista wrinkled her forehead in worry. He was calling them early to an appointment, and that could only mean there was trouble. "I'll Floo up to my room and go to the headmaster's office from there."

She stepped into the fireplace and vanished in a flash of bright green flames. Severus reined in his anger with effort, as he put the work station back in order. He felt that he would need a clear head for what was to come.

"Professor Snape, sir, Mistress means not what she is saying," Winky whined pitifully at his elbow. Ignoring her whimpering, he extinguished the flames under the cauldrons and headed up to Dumbledore's office.

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"It's not like him!" protested a female voice from inside Dumbledore's office. Severus pushed the heavy door aside to reveal Nymphadora Tonks, pacing back and forth in front of the headmaster. The young Auror pulled at her bright pink hair, ignoring Severus entirely. "Remus always checks in after he's been on watch. I'm telling you, something's wrong."

Callista was trying to calm down the younger woman. "Tonks, when was the last time you saw him?"

"Last night... at my place." Tonks didn't make eye contact with any of them. "He went to his post this morning and just disappeared from there. No one has seen him since."

So Lupin is shagging the Metamorphmagus. Severus's face twisted with disgust before realizing that Tonks would have the same opinion of him being with Callista. He sneered, "Perhaps he is off chasing cats somewhere?"

"Piss off, Snape," Tonks snarled, drawing her wand, "or I'll hex your privates into next week!"

"Nymphadora!" Dumbledore admonished. "I am sure Remus is fine. Could it be possible that he just went to number twelve and fell asleep after his shift?"

"That was the first place I looked." She shook her head. "We made plans to meet later today in Diagon Alley. He's never late. I waited for two hours. I know something's gone wrong."

"We'll find him, Tonks." Callista squeezed her hand sympathetically. She looked up at Severus; fear was reflected in her bright eyes. She knew all too well what Tonks was feeling.

Dumbledore stood up and turned to face Severus. "There were no plans to attack any Order members, were there, Severus?"

"None to my knowledge, Headmaster. Then again, I have not heard from the Dark Lord recently."

Tonks rounded on him. "You greasy bastard, so help me, if I find out you've been part of this, I'll--"

Severus cast a Silencing Spell on her. He lowered his voice to the soft, dangerous tone he used in the classroom. "You will do absolutely nothing, Nymphadora. Auror or not, I am more than a match for you. And in case you have forgotten, I am Lupin's only chance if he has been captured by the Death Eaters."

Tonks glared silently at him; he could tell she was mentally tossing every obscenity she knew at him. Fawkes left his perch to settle near her.

"What do you recommend we do, Severus?" Dumbledore asked quietly.

Severus closed his eyes for a moment. "There is nothing we can do for the time being."

"Should we contact the other Order members?" Callista asked. "There has to be something we can do."

A sudden, familiar, burning sensation in his left forearm interrupted any further conversation. An involuntary hiss of pain left his lips. He was about to find out what had befallen Lupin. Unconsciously, he began to shift and alter his thoughts for the ordeal that was to come.

"Be careful, Severus," Dumbledore whispered, his eyes devoid of their familiar twinkle. "Do what you can for Remus, but do not compromise your position with Voldemort."

The stricken look on Tonks's face made Severus thankful that he had been forced to silence her. With a nod to Callista and Dumbledore, he left the office in a flurry of black robes, rearranging his thoughts as he went.

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"Severus, wait!" Callista was a few paces behind him as he started to descend the main staircase into the Entrance Hall. Against his better judgment, he stopped and turned to her. There was a glimmer of barely concealed fear in her eyes. He could tell she was resisting the urge to throw her arms around him. "Please, be careful. I have a bad feeling about this."

He nodded, afraid that if he said or did anything more, the trace of the emotion would later betray him.

"I love you," she whispered.

Severus swallowed hard, trying to block out those words. "Don't... "

"Severus, if something should happen to you, I don't want your last memory of me to be about an argument." She looked at him, and this time she was not the self-reliant woman she had become, but rather the vulnerable girl she had been. He felt an overwhelming need to reassure her. Without caring about the consequences, he pulled her to him, pressing his lips to her. And I love you....

He broke away from her. There wasn't time to say anything else; he had delayed enough as it was. Every second he lingered counted against him. Severus turned to go down the stairs, burying the memory of the kiss as deeply in his mind as he could. He was at the bottom step when Draco Malfoy, flanked as always by Crabbe and Goyle, came through the entrance to the dungeon corridor.

"Professor Snape, do you have a moment?" the blond young man called, jogging over to Severus with Crabbe and Goyle in his wake.

Severus set his face coldly. "No, I do not, Draco."

An excited gleam filled those cold gray eyes as he comprehended the situation. "It can wait, sir."

Severus stepped around them and continued out of the castle to the Apparition point in the Forbidden Forest. He strode across the grounds, attempting to conceal the rest of his thoughts, noticing as he did that his Death Eater persona was getting more laborious to maintain. By the time he reached the clearing, he was confident that there was nothing to betray him, as long as the Dark Lord didn't delve too deeply into his mind. He drew a breath--hoping it wouldn't be his last--as he concentrated on the Mark.