Shadow on My Heart

Shadow on My Heart

"Power like that can be an addiction.

You will always need more and more of it to be satisfied."

Callista Hawkins to Severus Snape

A/N: Thank you to all of those wonderful people who have read and reviewed this story. If you haven't left a review, let me assure you that it is a myth that I hex people who flame me.

Now for the slightly witty disclaimer: I solemnly swear that I do not own Harry Potter, unless you count the copies of the books and movies I bought.

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Chapter 6: Darkness Beckons

Severus rubbed his eyes and looked at the clock. It was late, and he had been reading for nearly four hours. Thankfully, tomorrow was Saturday and he could sleep in. He gazed down at the handsomely bound book on his lap. Delving Into the Dark Arts . He knew the inside of that book the way a lover knew the body of his beloved. He closed his eyes, remembering the almost orgasmic feeling one received after casting a dark spell. This was the magic he was going to teach Potter. Oh, how James would roll over in his grave. Severus was about to defile the son of his enemy with the very thing the arrogant bastard fought so hard against.

"James and Lily would not want this for their son!" Callista's words echoed in his mind.

Lily. He had regretted the day at the lake when he had called her a Mudblood. Lily may not have been exactly a friend to him, but she had never once joined in the taunts that had been so frequently directed at him. She had stood up for him that fateful afternoon, and he, in his immense stupidity, had treated her horribly. Any chance he may have had at a friendship with her was crushed. All because he had lashed out in an attempt to make someone, anyone, feel a part of the pain he had felt.

He lowered his head into his hands. He was exhausted. He hated feeling so. . . old. As he stood and stretched, his back issuing its obligatory cracks and pops, he realized he was fast approaching forty; three years to go come January ninth. Not that anyone either knew nor cared when his birthday was. His self-imposed isolation was partly to blame.

He readied for bed and crawled under the covers, falling promptly asleep. His dreams began as usual: drowning Potter in a cauldron, beating McGonagall at chess, Potter dropping his classes, Longbottom dropping his classes, failing Granger on his exam, telling Malfoy what he really thought of him, Potter being unable to play against Slytherin in Quidditch, and Callista beside him, wanting him more than her next breath.... At this point the dream began to change.

Severus stood in front of Voldemort. The Dark Lord was trying to penetrate his mind. He spoke to him in the high, cold voice of the dead, "Severus, I want you to prove to me beyond a shadow of a doubt your loyalty to me."

"How, Master?" A feeling of dread came over him.

"Choose her fate," Voldemort hissed. Callista was roughly shoved to the ground at his feet. Her hair was matted with dirt and blood, one of her eyes was swollen shut, and there were bruises on her arms. Severus stared at her. "You may choose to kill her yourself, or you can have her kept alive to bear the children of your fellows. Young Malfoy will have the first go at her."

She looked at him serenely. "Ego ingredior in lux lucis quod vereor haud obscurum." -- 'I walk in the light and fear no darkness.'-- the incantation of the righteous facing death.

Severus woke with a start. He was drenched in sweat, and his heart was pounding rapidly in his chest. Had this been a prophetic dream, or was he realizing his worst fear? In either case, he had to see her to be sure she was safe. He hastily donned his academic robe and slippers. He was about to exit into his office when he stopped. He had just considered pounding on her door in the dead of night! What the bloody hell was wrong with him? Dear Merlin, she would more than likely hex his bollocks off if he woke her up just because he had a nightmare. He yanked off the robe and tossed it onto the chair. Climbing back into bed, he silently cursed his weakness.

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Severus stayed in his quarters reading through his Dark Arts books, sometimes remembering to have a tray sent to his room, sometimes not. He read late into the night, unable to sleep soundly. For the most part, he had been unaware of the goings-on in the castle. A disturbance in the dungeon corridor was the only contact he had with the outside world. All in all, the weekend passed uneventfully. Severus finally made an appearance at lunchtime on Sunday.

Callista looked at him, not bothering to mask her concern. "Where have you been? You weren't ill, were you?"

He tiredly reached for the nearest thing to him. He shook his head. "Just doing a bit of research."

"You look tired."

She was beginning to annoy him. "I didn't sleep well last night."

"Have you been to see Madam Pomfrey?" she asked, one eye on him and the other on the Slytherin table. "When did you last eat?"

"I am a Potions master, Professor Hawkins. Needless to say, if I really wanted to put myself out cold for a few days, I could," he said, in an increasingly irritated voice. "As I said, I'm in the middle of a project, and when that happens I tend to take my meals in the dungeons."

"Severus, for a master Occlumens, you really are a terrible liar. I can tell by the hollows under your eyes you haven't eaten in the last twenty-four hours," she scolded him. After an extended pause, she asked, "Can you share your research with me?"

"There isn't anything to share, yet," he said, attempting to cut her off.

"I suppose you've decided to go along with my uncle's project, then." Her eyes narrowed slightly as she attempted to breach his mental armor.

"We can discuss that some other time, but not here," he muttered. "Malfoy is watching us. Try to look like you loathe me again. I would hate to have to deal with any rumors right now."

"Are you going through with the headmaster's plan?" There was a cold edge to her voice.

"Yes."

"Then it won't be too difficult to be angry with you." Callista stood up huffily and stalked away from the head table. He stared at his plate, wondering if using Legilimency on her mind would help him follow her thought processes better.

Callista was in the process of completing the second trial for her N.E.W.T. project. The late January evening found her working in the dungeon. Severus was in the office, writing down his lessons for the next week, watching her through the open door. She was stirring the cauldron, intermittently tossing her head back. At first, he thought the fumes were bothering her. Then he noticed a thick wave of hair had fallen across her face. It was somewhat amusing to watch her blow it out of her face, only to have it fall forward again. She couldn't stop stirring and risk ruining the potion. He left the quiet of the office to see if he could help.

"Is there a problem, Miss Hawkins?" he asked in an unconcerned voice.

"Well, not really. It's just this bit of hair keeps getting in my way. I'm afraid it's either going to fall into the cauldron, or I'll accidentally end up spitting in the potion. If you would be so kind as to tack it back; I would be very appreciative." The frustration in her voice was becoming pronounced.

"How exactly does one 'tack back' a bit of hair?" He looked confused.

"Don't you pull yours back when you work?" He looked blankly at her. She answered, with a laugh, "I'll take that as a 'no'. In the front pocket of my bag are a few extra hairpins, just catch the curl with that, please. "

He had never had much exposure to feminine items, and the prospect of rummaging around in her bag was a bit daunting. Thankfully, they were attached to the pocket flap. He walked back over to her and touched her hair. He was surprised at how soft it was. He pulled the errant lock out of her face and attempted to secure it. As the fragrance of lavender and vanilla wafted up to his nose, he couldn't help but to inhale deeply.

"Thank you, sir," she said in a slightly breathless tone. "Oh look, the potion is reacting!"

He hastily pulled his thoughts back together, as the potion wasn't the only thing reacting. She turned her head to meet his gaze, a delighted smile gracing her features. She paused, shocked to see that they were merely inches apart. Her lips, nearly level with his, looked soft and inviting. Abruptly, he jerked back away from her. Mother of Merlin, he nearly kissed her! Something like that would definitely cost him more than his post.

He had to know what she was thinking and feeling. Severus quietly invaded her thoughts. Inside her mind there was a swirl of activity, typical to someone who lived at a frantic pace. He searched for thoughts related to him. Confusion abounded: she was attracted to him, but she didn't find him attractive. She liked his company, but being with him made her uncomfortable. She enjoyed working with him, but sorely missed Professor Blackburn. She admired his intelligence, but found him to be self-centered and closed-minded. There was also a strong overtone of fear. She knew what rumors were connected with him, yet her uncle trusted him. Part of her wanted him to kiss her, yet she was terrified where that kiss might lead.

Severus broke the connection. His heart pounded so loudly, he was positive that she could hear it. He knew that if he kissed her now, the next move he made would involve them in a compromising position on top of the worktable. He took a step away from her, trying to focus on the activity in the cauldron. The young Potions master cleared his throat, praying his voice would come out sounding somewhat normal. "You seem to be on the right track, Miss Hawkins. The reaction appears to be consistent with your research. What is the next step?"

Callista blinked rapidly, as if she were trying to decide whether he meant the potion or himself. "I think I need to take a sample to determine the strength of the potion so far. I'll decide my course of action from there."

Neither of them moved, she broke the awkward silence. "Professor, I--"

"Callista!" It was Allen Buxley. "Are you finished here yet? It's getting late, and we still have rounds to do."

The handsome Quidditch player eyed the young professor with great dislike. Severus fought the urge to draw his wand. He knew he was more than a match for Buxley, but Buxley was also Callista's boyfriend. An ugly incident might shift some of her thoughts out of his favor.

Callista glanced at Severus and said in a shaky voice, "Nearly finished, Allen. I just need to fill a sample flask. Thank you, Professor Snape, for allowing me some extra lab time."

"Your quite welcome, Miss Hawkins. Now, I don't want to keep you from your Head Girl duties." He suddenly felt very aware that Buxley had fixed him with a hateful stare. Had he seen anything before he announced his presence?

After Callista left, Severus sank into the chair behind his desk, trying to force his breathing to become normal. His fingers tangled in his lank hair. Why did he even think he had a chance with someone like her?

Severus shoved the remains of his meal around on his plate. Why was he thinking that he had a chance with her now.

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That evening he was summoned to Dumbledore's office. He swept through the halls of the castle, irritated at the interruption of his free time. He had spent the remainder of the day walking about the grounds, inhaling the cool September air. While Severus was still tired, the crisp air left him feeling somewhat refreshed. He moved to knock on the thick oak door, and it opened of its own accord.

The first thing that he noticed was Potter sitting in a chair with his elbows on his knees and his head cupped in his hands. Callista was standing staring out the window, her hands clasped behind her back. They looked like they had been given bad news. Tension hung heavily in the air.

Dumbledore rose to greet the Potions master. "Severus, I trust you are feeling a bit more rested."

Severus shot Callista a contemptious look. You had to say something to him, didn't you? "I am fine, Headmaster."

"Good. I trust that you are prepared for your new role in Harry's training? I was just explaining to him what this training would entail." The old man looked at him steadily; there was not a trace of a twinkle in his eyes.

Callista's angry tone cut through the air. "I still think that there has to be another way. You said yourself that their wands are incapable of dueling against each other. It should be apparent that using magic against Voldemort is pointless. I--"

"You will hold you tongue for once, Callista!" snapped Dumbledore. Severus had rarely seen the old man so angry. The old man continued in a softer voice, "You have voiced your opinions on this matter. I trust Severus completely."

"It's too dangerous," she whispered, looking as if he had physically slapped her. "The risks are far greater than the benefits."

Harry looked up. "I don't like it either, Callista, but there probably isn't a better way."

Snape glared at the messy-haired youth. "Since when are the two of you on a first name basis?"

"Since the beginning." Potter threw him a challenging look.

A mental battle broke out between them. Snape tried to silently slip into Harry's mind, and was immediately bombarded with images of Harry and Callista enjoying each other's company. The natural rapport between the two was very evident; Severus found it overly disturbing. The images shut off as if by a switch. Harry had blocked him out. Obviously, he had wanted Severus to see those images. I see the little idiot has finally managed some measure of mastery.

Professor Dumbledore spoke in a grave tone. "Harry, Professor Snape will be teaching you some of the Dark spells that will enable you to defend yourself against the Death Eaters. You are not to tell anyone of the nature of these lessons, not even Miss Granger and Mr. Weasley. Any injuries that are sustained will be dealt with by Professor Hawkins. If anything is beyond her skill, then Madam Pomfrey will be notified. Secrecy is of the utmost importance."

"Professor Dumbledore, I realize that I can't tell anyone, but how am I going to explain where I disappear to three nights a week?" Harry asked, running his hands through his hair. "At some point, I'm going to have to tell them something."

Callista moved to stand next to the young man. "Tell them you are with me. No one will worry if you're at my training sessions. Come to the office and use the internal Floo network from there."

"He is not going to Floo into my office!" Severus growled.

"Do you have a better idea?" Callista said coldly. "No? Then shut up, Severus."

Snape drew his wand. "I won't allow anyone to speak to me like that, Hawkins!"

"Enough!" Dumbledore was determined to stamp out the ugly scene before it escalated further. "Severus, which classroom will you be using? Perhaps, Harry can go directly to it?"

Severus regained his composure, still furious at Callista. "Classroom five isn't used, but it does have a fireplace. It's preferable to him coming directly to my office."

"I still think there must be a better way," Callista said with a tremble in her voice.

She locked eyes with Severus, trying to silently apologize for her outburst. He felt the torment seeping out of her very soul. The sadness and fear in the blue depths of her eyes took some of the edge off of his fury. Severus realized that she was not angry with him; she was terrified for what could happen if he failed. She was protective of Harry in a way that went beyond her duty to the Order. Did she love him?

"We will start tomorrow evening at eight o'clock, Potter. Don't be late." He bored into the young man's eyes, searching for a hint of fear. It was there; Severus caught a glimpse of it just before Harry slammed his mental barriers into place.

"I want to caution you all one last time that secrecy is of the utmost importance. Only the four of us know what is going on. For our safety, we must keep this completely silent. Are we agreed?" Dumbledore faced each of them in turn; even Callista nodded in acceptance.

"Headmaster, if I am questioned by the Dark Lord, what do you want me to tell him?" Severus asked, doing his best to keep his face free of emotion.

Dumbledore thought for a moment, as if the idea that Severus might be summoned had never occurred to him. "If you think that you can convince him you are still teaching Harry Occlumency, by all means continue with that. I do not think it is wise to allow Voldemort to know that Harry is being instructed in the Dark Arts."

Severus bowed formally in agreement. He faced Callista. We will discuss this in private. She nodded slightly. She squeezed Harry's arm before she silently slipped out of the door.

"Eight o'clock, Potter," Severus reminded him, as he swept out of the office.

Callista was walking slowly down the hall. Severus kept pace behind her, admiring the fluid sway of her movements. He lengthened his strides to catch up with her. She took her time before acknowledging him, nodding at the door to the empty staff room. They glanced up and down the hallway before entering.

"Severus, I'm so sorry for what I said. I had no right to take my anger out on you." She looked up at him, her eyes somewhat brighter than before.

He felt a surge of fury at her. He wanted to reach out and snap her neck for the disrespect she had displayed toward him. Severus stopped himself, as he discovered he was advancing on her. He shook his head, as if to clear the thought. "In the future, remember that I am the boy's professor. There is enough animosity between us, and his meager show of respect for me is there only because Dumbledore demands it. Then again, if he believes that you despise me, he may be more trusting of you."

"That wasn't my intention. I'm concerned about the possibility that this could go very wrong." She looked appalled that he could suggest such a thing.

"It is what must be done. It may be months before I can teach him any of the truly powerful spells. I am not looking forward to teaching him the Unforgivables. Perhaps that will not be necessary."

Callista stared at her hands, whispering, "He has already tried to use the Cruciatus curse on Bellatrix Lestrange. Even though he was beside himself with anger and grief, he couldn't do it properly."

This was a piece of information he hadn't known. The clock in the office indicated a late hour. "We will talk later. Good night, Professor Hawkins."

She bade him good night, and they departed for their own quarters.

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Monday found Severus partially looking forward to his meeting with Potter. In an effort to appear as his unpleasantly normal self, he constantly breathed down the necks of the students in his

N.E.W.T. Potion classes. He was so overbearing that even those from his own House suffered under his unrelenting cruelty. By the end of his classes that day, he had dispensed a record of seven detentions. News spread so rapidly amongst the students about his vicious streak that everyone gave him a wider berth in the corridors.

He strode into the Great Hall for the evening meal to find that Callista had abandoned her usual seat to sit with Hagrid at the far end of the table. Professor Vector spent the majority of the meal pointedly ignoring Severus. He found that he had very little appetite; nothing on the table looked very appealing. He managed to choke down some bread. His gaze drifted down to the far end of the staff table where Callista was engaged by Hagrid in a one-sided conversation. Unable to tolerate the stony silence from Vector for another second, he rose and returned to his office in the dungeon.

At precisely five minutes before eight, he left for classroom five. Inside he found Harry waiting quietly at one of the dusty worktables, facing the door. Severus searched the teen's face for signs of fear. Harry was sufficiently capable of diverting the enemy out of his thoughts.

"I want to make this perfectly clear, Potter. These lessons will be of a practical nature. During the course of them, I am not held to the same constraints as I would be in the classroom. With any luck, these sessions will give us ample opportunity to exorcise our personal demons. I have taken the liberty of obtaining for you a copy of Delving into the Dark Arts. This will be your new bible." Severus tried to stare the young wizard down.

"I have a copy." Harry said, determinedly meeting his gaze.

Severus quirked an eyebrow and asked, "Do you believe in God, Potter?"

Harry looked startled; the question was evidently not something he had expected. He answered hesitantly, "I suppose so. What does this have to do with learning the Dark Arts from you?"

Severus stroked his chin thoughtfully. "Your belief in something beyond yourself will help you keep a hold on your sense of humanity. The Dark Lord equated himself with that power; as a result he lost his own humanity. Then again, it is quite possible that he willingly relinquished it. All things come with a price. Before we begin you will need to focus on something that will keep you grounded, otherwise you will find yourself being consumed by the darkness when it beckons."

"Why are you telling me this? Wouldn't it make you look good to your boss if I fell into the darkness?" Harry had narrowed his eyes, mistrustful of the advice he was given.

"I am telling you this solely because I promised Professor Dumbledore that I would," he said in an unconcerned tone. That, and if anything happens to you, Callista will make sure I need to carry my testicles around in a jar for the remainder of my life. "Now we begin."

Severus spent the remaining time battering Harry with curses. Harry was rapidly learning that many of them could not be held off with a Shield Charm. He also learned that the older man was deadly accurate with his aim. By the end of the session, the young wizard was bruised and bloodied; while Severus had earned an angry-looking welt on the side of his neck. Harry staggered to the fireplace with Severus telling him that by their next meeting, Harry had better be able to cast each of the curses perfectly. Severus marched triumphantly back to his quarters, feeling the rush of power that one experiences after casting Dark spells.

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Over the next few weeks, Harry made steady progress in the use of the Dark spells. Each of the sessions became progressively more violent, as the two desperately tried to exorcise their demons. More than once, Callista was summoned to treat their injuries. Each time, she set her face in a barely impassive mask as she healed their wounds. The next morning, Severus always took great care to avoid her reproachful gaze. The look in her eyes ruined the high that he was still riding. She never said a word to him, but the pain in her eyes made him feel a twisted sensation of guilt in the pit of his stomach.

By the end of October, Harry made a sudden surge forward in his abilities. Rumor had it that he had been discovered in the boathouse, half-naked and wrapped in a cloak, with the prissy Miss Granger. The pair was found by a horror-stricken Ron Weasley, who not surprisingly proceeded to try and hex off the offending parts of Potter's anatomy. Of course the pair denied that any inappropriate behavior had occurred, and of course, being Gryffindors, they had gotten away with a mere warning. Now, without his friends to support him, Harry had an infinite amount of rage, guilt and grief to feed to the darkness that was growing within him. As the darkness gathered, the light began to fade.

Severus began changing as well. He was rarely seen in the public places of the castle. The few times he appeared in the Great Hall for meals were spent watching Potter or Hawkins. He was, to the dismay of his students, nastier than ever. Dumbledore received a steady stream of complaints from students and staff members alike. More than once Severus had confrontations with McGonagall and Hawkins. The older woman refused to put up with his behavior and reprimanded him in the privacy of the staffroom. Callista refused to even look at him. The latter seemed to have more of an effect on him. To defend himself against the mental anguish, Severus retreated once again into the comforting embrace of the Dark Arts.