This is Hell

My lord smiles at me. You have done well, Wormtail. Harry Potter will die. How can he do that? Kill babies, I mean. I have learned much in my time as a Death Eater, but I still cannot kill babies. Do not let them find out, Wormtail. Lily and James will not find out. They are too caught up in each other and Harry and the Order. They do not suspect little innocent Peter Pettigrew. No. They have suspected Sirius. Remus. And it has nearly killed them. But they would never suspect me. In their eyes I am nothing. They are golden gods and I am the dirt beneath their feet. They have each other. They do not need me.

~

We walk along the road toward The Three Broomsticks. James grabs Lily by the hand and they begin to dance to music only they can hear, seeing things in each other's eyes that only they can see. I force and smile and turn to Sirius and Remus, expecting smirks and laughter. I expect to hear Sirius's mocking voice. Are they trying to make me ill? But he is watching them with a slightly dreamy smile. And then I notice that his left hand is tucked in Remus's back pocket and Remus has let his head fall to rest on Sirius's shoulder. Lovers surround me and it is not even Valentine's Day. I realize that I could scream to the skies that I hated them all and they would not even look up.

~

There was a time when I loved them. There was a time when they were my world. But now I have found my purpose. I will serve the Dark Lord. You do not want to spend your whole life being their slave, do you? His voice slides over me. He can see my most private thoughts. He can see everything. He is my Lord. I know what they would say. James and Sirius and Remus and Lily. They would say that I am weak. They would say that I was a coward. Because only cowards follow the Dark Lord. I can hear Sirius's voice in my head. Reg is a coward. Bella is a coward. They are all cowards. Only cowards would follow someone that evil. But I was never brave like them.

~

Come on, Pete. We won't get caught. James grins at me and runs a hand through his hair. We've got the map. So confidant. So fearless. I followed reluctantly. Is getting cake from the kitchens really worth all this? But they must make a show of every prank. Every opportunity to break a rule. Sirius rolls his eyes at me. Relax, Wormy. I hate it when he calls me that. He slips an arm around Remus and kisses the other boy's cheek. Remus turns, their mouths meet, and I force myself to look away. I hate it when they are like this. At least James never brings Lily on our nightly jaunts. The voice in the back of head tells me I am jealous. But I don't listen to the voice. All right, James. Let's go. I pretended to be brave enough to sneak out with them. But I was never ever brave enough to listen to the voice in the back of my head.

~

I stare in disbelief at my Lord's body. He is dead and I no longer have anyone to follow. No one to serve. Harry Potter stands over me. Merlin, he looks like James. Remus and Nymphadora come up behind him. More ghosts from my past. Nymphadora wears her true face today. Her Black face. The face that makes her look like Sirius. Go, Harry. Ginny is looking for you. I will deal with him. Remus looks down at me. Blood trickles down his cheek. Nymphadora follows his gaze and her face contorts in rage. I know I will die today. And I am not afraid. For the first time in my sorry life, I am not afraid. Aveda Kedavra is to good for you. I smile up at my old friend. I am already dying. There is a self-destruct imbedded in the Mark on my arm. I will die with my Lord. You deserve to rot in Azkaban. Get a taste of what Sirius had to live through. But you won't live through it, will you? Nymphadora's cold voice shakes with emotion. I smile up at her. You look like him. You look like Sirius. As if I have willed him to, Sirius appears with them. And James and Lily. They have come to have their revenge.

~

I am dying. Floating. Burning.

So this is hell.