I Just Keep Trying

I just keep trying to survive. I try so hard to forget that you left, that you knew what was best for me. And some times I look back and think it was all for the best. That you didn't know every thing I felt for you. And that seems stupid. Damn it I'm smarter than that. I can solve complex problems with ease, I can stand by you at the hardest and darkest of times but you can't see that. I really keep trying to forget that night. You probably already did huh? I didn't. Can't really. Let me refresh your memory. It was Christmas break and you and I had gone to steal some hot chocolate from the kitchens. It was quiet, no one had stayed over. Every one was worried about their families and being safe. But I don't feel safe unless you're there. All the house elves were asleep and we sat on the counter drinking and laugh just like it has always been, and then it stopped being like old times. And since we've been friends forever, you don't know what you do to me. You make my heart run faster with just a look, make me want to scream with every touch, I shouldn't be having these feelings for you. All those innocent little touches and looks and thing that we do they drive me crazy. And that night one innocent little comment could drive me over the edge and make me think it was okay to "Hey, you've got cream on your nose" How corny was that. All I said was "Oh", and you leaned over to wipe it off I swear the whole castle could hear my heart beating. Wiped it off and triumphantly said "ha." I laughed as you stared at me. Then I don't know the world just spun out of control and we were leaning towards each other. Your lips brushed mine and I could taste the chocolate on them. Leaning in to you was my only thought for the whole time we kissed. I didn't want it to end I needed it not to end. I knew it was wrong that maybe I should pull back and make some kind of joke. But I'm only one person, and it felt so good to fulfilling a fantasy. To know for just a while I didn't have to strive to keep from drowning in you. That one moment is etched in my mind for all eternity. The way you looked when you pulled back all bleary eyed and wonderful. I would have snatched you back, but all you did was blush and mumble sorry. I felt like a fool that this one moment had affected me so much. Now that time has passed and where at the end of our time of constant companionship that is my fondest memory here. Even if you might have forgotten it, I hope you know that any girl would have killed for a chance to have what I have with you, maybe if I was one of them I would too. And the whole time I'm sitting here writing this imagining that night. You sit there playing chess in the world. You glance up and smile cuz that's what friends do but that's all that we are friends. Harry Potter I try to survive without you but I can't.