I Do Not Have Nightmares

I do not have nightmares.

It has not even been a month since the end of my first year.

The year when the Chamber of Secrets was opened.

By me.

It was my fault.

I hid it at first. I can't now.

But no one notices.

Dad has won the Daily Prophet Galleon Draw. We are visiting Bill in Egypt. Mum will not let me into some of the pyramids. She says they are too frightening.

They aren't half as frightening as what I've seen.

What I've lived through.

What I've been.

I push away the memories, but they return.

Mrs. Norris.

Filch's cat.

The writing on the wall.

Some students laughed, celebrated that Mrs. Norris was gone. I didn't. I was beginning to be suspicious. I had written that.

I had opened the Chamber.

I did not know then

I would soon.

Colin Creevey.

I liked him. He annoyed Harry, but he was nice.

He was petrified.

By me.

The roosters were killed.

Roosters can kill Basilisks.

I killed them.

Justin Finch-Fletchley.

I didn't even know him.

I didn't even know he was Muggle-born.

I petrified him.

Nearly Headless Nick.

He was nice to me when I was sorted.

I would have killed him, but he was already dead.

I threw the diary away.

Harry found it.

I took it back.

I fought.

But I could not fight him.

Hermione.

I liked her. She was nice, even if she was...

No.

Being Muggle-born has nothing to do with anything.

She was nice.

She was Harry's friend.

She was smart.

She would have figured out what was in the Chamber of Secrets.

She would have helped free me, probably without knowing.

I petrified her.

Penelope Clearwater.

I barely knew her. I saw her and Percy kissing, that was all. She was a Prefect.

I didn't even know she was Muggle-born.

I petrified her.

Tom took me to the Chamber.

I was the bait.

Harry followed.

I didn't see him until Tom was destroyed.

The diary was destroyed.

I am still here.

There are still times when I feel under his power, when I remember what I did. He made me do it, but I could have fought. If I had fought he would not have done it. If I was strong enough to fight.

If I was stronger, I could have fought him.

I tried.

I was not strong enough. I should have been stronger.

He destroyed me.

He destroyed me completely, pushed me under his power, used me for his own purposes, used me to destroy Muggle-borns.

I helped him.

They say it was not my fault, that I could not have done anything to stop him. They are wrong. I know they are. If I was stronger, I could have fought. But I wasn't. I didn't. I let him control me.

I helped him.

I helped him kill Muggle-borns. I helped him kill my friends.

They are not dead. No one died.

They almost were.

They almost did.

I almost killed them.

They say they were only Petrified, that the last time someone was actually killed, that I could not have stopped him, that it was not my fault.

It was.

I could have stopped him.

I could have fought.

I didn't.

I fought, but I did not fight enough. I could have stopped him.

I did not.

I helped him.

They are wrong. It was my fault.

I do not have nightmares.