Rain

Severus Snape stood in the rain and watched the tree swing its heavy branches, spraying water. The bark looked black except where the moon glistened off of it occasionally, popping out from behind a steel gray cloud.

He was drenched. He could feel that his shoes were filled with water and even his shirt under his cloak was completely soaking wet. Water ran off of his hair. He looked at the long stick in his hand and then at the knot in the tree’s trunk. He’d had a rough time finding a branch long enough.

He was almost sure that it was a prank of some kind. He wouldn’t find anything. Maybe there would be some charm to keep him from getting out, and Potter and Black would send Dumbledore to find him, something embarrassing like that.

But he was too curious to care. He had to find out, even though he knew it was a stupid thing to do, and they knew that. They knew he would have to find out. They knew he would go, even though he should know better. After all, the worst thing that could happen would be that he’d be embarrassed again, and that didn’t make a difference, since they’d always find a different way if he avoided this one. Or maybe in some freak accident he’d die.

That didn’t seem so overly terrible.

And it wouldn’t happen anyway. Black and Potter wouldn’t risk their perfect-children reputations with the adults by getting nailed with a murder. He went onto his stomach and reached the branch over to the knot, the tree writhing frantically, and pushed it in.

Everything stopped, frozen. He stood and walked to the base of the tree, where Black had said there was an entrance. There was a gap in the roots, but he couldn’t see anything inside- it was too dark.

He considered again for a moment, and then he slithered through the muddy hole.

_________

"What are you doing?" Sirius Black asked drowsily. James was sitting at the foot of his bed, his wand illuminating a book he was reading. He turned around and smiled innocently.

"I’m studying, Sirius," he said sweetly.

Sirius threw a pillow at him.

"No, really Prongs, what’re you doing?"

James had looked back to the book.

"Just reading some Muggle book."

"You’re reading a Muggle book at eleven o’clock in the evening?" Sirius asked.

"Yeah," James said, as if he did it all the time. "Apparently it’s one of Evans’ favorite books...."

"Oh god," Sirius snorted. "This is another conquest for ice princess’s heart? I’m going to bed." He put his pillow over his head.

Peter snored softly. James looked over at him.

"Think we’ll ever get him to safely complete his animagus transformation?" he asked offhand.

"What?" Sirius droned uninterestedly.

"Peter. I mean, maybe we should just... tell him no. It’s kind of dangerous, even for us, and, well- you know."

"He’ll be fine," Sirius said, emerging from underneath his pillow. "I just wish we’d completed it this week. I’d love to see the look on Snivellus’s face when he-"

He suddenly cut off.

James turned to look at him.

"When he what?" he asked seriously.

"What?" Sirius asked defensively. "Why are you looking at me like that? It’s just this prank I’m playing on Snivellus." He started fiddling with his pillow.

"What? Something to do with our animagus transformation?"

"No, Lord no. I just told him- Well, you know how he’s always getting after us, trying to figure out why Remus misses a day of school or two of school mostly every month. So I told him that if he’s so damn eager to figure it out he can go see for himself."

James was frozen.

"See for himself?" he whispered. "What the hell are you talking about, Sirius?"

"Look," Sirius implored, "you know if he takes the bait he deserves it. What’s the worst case? He becomes a werewolf? Then maybe he wouldn’t have such a high opinion of himself, or think he’s such a damn victim-"

"Sirius, did you tell him to go today?" James threw down his book and moved to Sirius, his eyes wide.

"He might not even go, James, I mean is he that stupid?"

"DID YOU TELL HIM TO GO TODAY?" James yelled, shaking Sirius by the collar.

"Yes!" Sirius squeaked. "What’s your problem?" He squinted at the tip of James’s wand, now shining very close to his face.

"REMUS! WHAT IF HE KILLS HIM, SIRIUS? THEN WHAT?"

Sirius stared at him. His eyes had adjusted, and they were wide open now. They looked darker in the wand’s yellowish light.

"Then he’ll be dead. That’s what," he said quietly. James released him.

Then he dove at his bed and picked up the Invisibility Cloak.

"What- are you going to try to stop him?" Sirius demanded, climbing out of bed. "James, he might not even have gone!"

"Just shut up!" James snapped, and he disappeared underneath the cloak, his wand going out as he did so.

"James!" Sirius grabbed at the air, but the dorm door opened and closed. He ran out onto the staircase and heard James’s footsteps rush down to the common room. It was no use chasing an invisible James Potter down the hallway after hours.

Sirius stood in the stairwell and looked down at it, empty and dark. He sat on the top step and held the edge tightly with both hands.

__________

He was inch-deep in mud. He felt with his hands and found a wet, muddy wall on either side of him. The ceiling was too low for him to stand up, but he did what he could, crouching over. The rain pounded the ground outside, muffled by thick layers of earth. He wondered vaguely if Black and Potter had known it would rain. It certainly made their prank more ideal.

He pulled out his wand and cast lumos nonverbally. The light showed a long dark tunnel with dark brown walls, slippery with mud. His wand flickered in and out as mud hit it or his hair fell in front of it. It seemed like someone’s vision of hell- the dripping black walls and the ground that sucked on his ankles. Like he was walking down the throat of someone’s hell. He didn’t know if it was his, though.

It was cold, and the mud made his feet heavy. He fell on all fours a few times, and had to pull himself carefully up again, trying not to slip. It seemed like a very long time before he made out the end of the tunnel ahead of him.

____________

James ran blindly towards the Whomping Willow, his heart ramming itself against his chest as if it wanted to get out. He didn’t even have to think about it as he grabbed the stick and pushed in the knot or as he ran to the opening and slid through. His feet sank into the mud.

He wanted to call, but he knew what Remus had said about werewolves, and he knew that, in this form, he would be perfectly willing to break through the floor of the shrieking shack into the entrance to the tunnel if he heard human voices.

"Lumos," he choked as he ran, steadying himself with the wall and dragging himself through the mud as fast as he could.

Please no, please no, he said over and over in his head. If only for Remus let him not be here.

____________

He put out the light at the end of his wand, and saw a gray almost-light falling through tiny cracks overhead. He felt the ceiling.

It was wood here. There was the groaning of old boards above his hands. He stood on his tip toes and pressed his eye to one of the cracks, not breathing. It smelled like dust and wet wood. There was scraping on the floor a ways off, and growling.

It stopped.

Snape lowered himself away. He felt his blood draining, beating, and knew he shouldn’t be here. He held his breath. A shadow fell over the cracks and he smelled sweat and blood, but heard no breathing. The thing above him was holding its breath too.

Suddenly it threw itself against the floorboards, making them shake. Snape jumped, falling down into the mud and backing away, but he was too unsteady to move quickly. He realized he’d lost his wand and his heart jumped into his mouth. He dove forward and pushed his hands through the mud, but he couldn’t find it, and his panic was rising. The shadow threw itself against the boards again. He gave up on his wand and crawled down the tunnel, trying to pull himself up and falling once.

There was an enormous shatter as the boards gave way, and the animal dove down into the mud, not caring that it ripped its skin on the sharp spikes of wood as it came, howling. Everything was suddenly so loud that Snape didn’t know if he was screaming or not, when a jet of golden light blinded him as it shot over him. The animal roared in protest and lunged at him, but there were arms around his waist and they yanked him backwards, threw him away farther down the tunnel.

"TELUM IGNEUS!" a voice roared and he could make out the tall silhouette standing between him and the animal as a shield of golden fire erupted from the wand again. He could see the wild flying hair, the perfect stance of confidence and power- the figure grabbed him again, and now it was screaming, "MOVE! RUN! NOW!" and he moved as fast as he could on his numb legs, the arm pulling him up firmly every time he fell, and the same boy illuminated every now and then by the jets he sent back at the animal, still desperately chasing them, burning itself on the defenses. "DAMN IT- STUPIFY!" the voice roared again back at the monster and he dragged Snape up the slide of mud and out into the fresh air, where it was raining hard, and pressed the knot in once more with his hand. He cast a spell to block the entrance to the tunnel and panted, water dripping off of the ends of his jet black hair. His glasses were broken on the ground nearby. Snape was clutching the other boy’s robes at the shoulders, shaking so badly he couldn’t let go. It was freezing. He wrenched his hands free and slid away, a slow horror twisting in his stomach. He clutched a tree root and retched into the mud.

"Are- you- okay?" James Potter panted, and Snape threw up again.

"No," he gasped.

"But it didn’t- bite you- did it?" James asked.

Snape shook his head, stumbling to his feet.

"No. You- saved my life. You saved my life." He fell back to his knees, because they couldn’t hold his weight. Suddenly, anger overcame his fear. "Is this some kind of- of sick j-joke?" he boiled, shaking too much to keep his voice steady.

James stared at him.

"What?"

"You thought it would- you thought- wouldn’t that be funny?" Snape laughed angrily.

"No, I didn’t know that Sirius-" James began, understanding.

"DIDN’T KNOW?" Snape barked suddenly, his voice abnormally high.

"No, I’d never-"

"YOU’D NEVER HURT ME, JAMES!" Snape yelled hoarsely. "OF COURSE YOU’D NEVER HURT ME!"

James was shocked into silence.

"But-" he said weakly, "but I didn’t mean- I didn’t-"

"YOU DID! THERE’S NOTHING YOU HAVEN’T DONE TO ME! YOU’VE THOUGHT OF EVERY GENIUS WAY-"

"Listen to me! I only found out-!"

"HAD A REVELATION?! OH, FUCK HE MIGHT REALLY DIE! THEN WE’D ALL BE EXPELLED! WAS THAT YOUR FUCKING REVELATION?!"

"Snape, I wasn’t part of this!" James yelled.

"YOU LIKE MY PROPER NAME NOW, POTTER? WHENEVER CONVENIENT TO YOU, IS THAT IT?!"

"Snape, I just saved your life, doesn’t that MEAN anything?!" he protested.

"I DON’T WANT YOU TO SAVE MY LIFE!" Snape screamed. His voice broke and he threw up again.

James was silent. Snape gasped over the ground, bent over, his hair completely masking his face. He looked like something dead. Something that had been broken. A powerful wave of guilt washed over James. He wasn’t sure if he deserved it, but he felt it.

He came carefully a little closer. He put a hand lightly on Snape’s shoulder.

"Don’t touch me," the other boy snapped, jerking himself away.

"You’re sick," James said as gently as he could.

"I’m not sick," Snape rasped, almost too quietly for James to hear over the rain.

"You need to get to the hospital wing," James insisted. Cautiously, he moved closer.

Snape kept his head down, breathing quietly now. James took his shoulders and helped him stand up.

"Come on," he said.

"I can stand," Snape said, his voice torn from screaming and retching. He pushed away from James and walked towards the castle. James followed, stooping to pick up the pathetic remains of his gold-rimmed glasses.

"That was a werewolf," Snape said.

"Yes," James confirmed. Snape turned, grimacing.

"Lupin? And Dumbledore allowed...?"

"Yeah, and he was right to." James added the last part pointedly. Snape said nothing.

They took a secret passageway into the castle.

"Come on," James said, and he lead Snape by the arm, cleaning up the trail of mud behind them with his wand as they walked. Snape saw that they were headed for Dumbledore’s office. He stopped.

"I don’t want to talk to him."

James stared at him.

"This is your one great chance to get the marauders expelled, and you don’t want to talk to the headmaster?" he said doubtfully.

"I just don’t want to talk about it!" Snape snapped, wrenching his arm out of James’s grip.

"Well you have to," James said, and easily caught Snape’s arm again. He pulled him up to the stone dragon and said, "Marigold." The dragon leapt aside and bowed, revealing a curving staircase.

"How do you know the password?" Snape asked bitterly.

"I got in trouble with him this week, that’s how I know it," James retorted. Snape’s teeth were chattering from the cold. James wasn’t enormously better off. He knocked on the door.

"Headmaster! I need to talk to you!"

Snape gratefully tore his arm away again when James’s seeker grip loosened.

The door opened to reveal Dumbledore, looking concerned and wearing what may have been bed clothes but also may not have been, considering the wide array of eccentric outfits the Headmaster chose to wear in daylight. He immediately frowned and let the two boys in.

"What happened?" he asked, looking from one to the other.

"Sirius told Snape how to get into the Shrieking Shack and he went, and he saw Remus," James explained immediately. Dumbledore’s eyes darkened.

"Did you know about this?" he asked James sternly.

James shook his head in earnest.

"I just found out on accident tonight, and I ran to stop him...." He looked over at Snape. Snape fumed silently, staring at his feet.

"Sirius Black?"

"Yes, Headmaster. I’m sure Remus couldn’t have known about it either, or Peter. They would have told me or tried to stop it."

Snape flashed him a look. He couldn’t think of a single time Peter or Remus had tried to stop James or Sirius from doing anything.

"Please wait here," Dumbledore said, and he walked to the fireplace, cast a spell and stepped into it, disappearing immediately.

__________

Sirius was sitting on the bottom step fully dressed when the headmaster stepped out of the fireplace. His heart rocketed into his stomach and began to twist. He couldn’t make his voice work.

"Please come with me, Mr. Black."

Sirius winced at being called by his surname.

"I’m afraid we’ll have to wake Peter as well." Dumbledore continued as if he hadn’t noticed Sirius’s discomfort. Sirius stood automatically and moved aside as Dumbledore walked up the steps to the dorm. He heard Peter saying, "I swear, we didn’t do anything since the day before yesterday when we had detention-"

"It’s alright, Peter, you aren’t in trouble as of yet," Dumbledore’s voice said calmly. He led Peter down the stairs.

"Into the fireplace, Mr. Black," Dumbledore commanded. His voice was still not overly angry, but his eyes were stony. Sirius obeyed him without thinking.

Dumbledore stepped out of the fireplace again, Sirius and Peter ahead of him. Sirius looked at James. James looked away and hardened his jaw.

Sirius’s head hung.

"I would like to hear all of your stories," Dumbledore said. "One at a time, if you please, and without interference from the other four. James, Sirius, Peter, if you could all please step outside for a moment."

James led the way out onto the stairwell and sat down.

Dumbledore closed the door behind them and turned to Snape. He waited.

Snape said nothing.

"Was James’s account in accordance with you?" Dumbledore asked.

Snape swallowed and nodded.

"But I don’t believe that he wasn’t part of it," he added quietly, looking down at the floor. "I think he knew. Maybe he changed his mind at the last minute."

"Was he present when Sirius told you how to get into the Whomping Willow?"

Snape clenched his jaw. He shook his head, realizing with a sinking feeling that he had no proof. It was Potter’s lie or his, and he knew which one Dumbledore would cater to.

"Have you been hurt- bitten, scratched, anything?"

Snape’s thoughts whirled before he could grasp them, memories of a million times and places, of a girl that asked him to give her a love potion if he was going to take her to a dance, of the freezing water in the lake, of his mother crying, of a broomstick that threw him off, of his father drinking, of a boggart that turned into a grinning James Potter, of his ringing laugh, of the large tree by the lake that looked so strange upside-down, of Lily Evans’s eyes flashing, of a Quiddich match, and the monster’s howl- like something dying, and James Potter, with the golden light tracing his silhouette.

He shook his head.

"James saved me," Snape whispered finally. "It attacked me, and he stopped it before it got to me."

Dumbledore raised his eyebrows.

"He saved you?"

He felt miserably stupid. His throat started choking itself. Dumbledore put a hand on his shoulder and bent down to meet his eyes.

"Could you tell me exactly what happened, Severus?"

The answer came plainly. Snape shook his head without a moment’s hesitation.

"It would help greatly if I knew all sides of this," Dumbledore prompted gently.

Snape hated him, his brain screaming with memories of Potter grinning, laughing, making him hate him so much, and he blushed painfully and ungracefully, his blood boiling and burning his face.

"Severus-"

"NO!" Snape screamed, and abruptly started to cry. He turned away, clenching his jaw and trying to breathe it off. Dumbledore sighed sadly. Snape braced himself and held off another sob. The headmaster put a hand lightly on his shoulder.

"You’re going to be alright, Severus," he said gently.

Snape shrugged the Headmaster’s hand away, whirling to face him again.

"No I won’t," he choked. "They tried- to kill me-" He backed away and tried to wipe the creases off of his face, but couldn’t stop himself from breaking into harder sobs. "I h-hate this school! I HATE IT! I’m never c-coming back once I- graduate! I’d rather d-die!" He sobbed into his hands, his body jerking awkwardly as he tried to hold his tears back.

"It’s alright to cry, Severus," Dumbledore said.

"I don’t- w-want to!" Snape sobbed, his teeth chattering from the chill he had acquired.

"Anyone would feel the way you do, Severus. You don’t have to be embarrassed."

"I don’t want you reading me!" Snape spat. The thought of Dumbledore sneaking into his mind when he was like this made him sick.

"I’m not, Severus. Some things I can pick up on without occlumency."

Snape made a disgusted noise and turned away again, his back so tense it hurt.

"But I want you to understand that Remus Lupin had no idea of this prank, whoever else may have."

Snape turned to face Dumbledore again.

"Since when are werewolves allowed in schools like this?" he accused, having been reminded.

"Since I became Headmaster, Severus," Dumbledore said calmly, "and I don’t regret it."

"I even figured it out!" Snape almost laughed in his disgust. "I knew what he was and I decided to eliminate that possibility because I assumed that no one would ever allow it!"

"Severus, Remus Lupin is a kind and hard-working boy. In most ways he is a role-model student."

"Role-model?" Snape choked over the last of his tears. Remus, who always stood by and tried not to notice- Remus, who never once interfered, not even with his prefect’s badge.

"He’s kind to those around him, he studies hard; yes, I would consider that a good role-model. Sirius Black, and James and Peter, if they were indeed involved, will receive punishment, but Remus Lupin has already received his, and unjustly. He has had no part in this except for in ways he could not possibly have control over it and yet, no matter how we play our cards he will suffer the most."

Snape was tense.

"I’m going to have to ask you- beg you, if that is necessary- not to tell another soul about this while Remus is in school."

Snape did not speak for a few minutes.

"I have to keep your secret?" he asked very softly.

"Yes."

"What if I don’t want to?"

"Then I’ll have to make you, Severus, but I think you’ll do it on your own."

Snape sneered.

"What makes you think I’ll do it on my own?"

"I trust you," Dumbledore said.

Snape’s shivered in his wet clothes.

"Well you shouldn’t," he said. "You’re wrong about me. I’m just an evil, worthless bastard."

"No, Severus," Dumbledore said calmly. "I’m comfortably sure that I am not wrong about you."

Such a confusing rush of emotions swirled in Snape’s chest that he couldn’t distinguish any of them.

"I won’t tell anyone," he said quietly.

"Thank you, Severus."

Snape stepped out into the stairwell. He walked past the three marauders, and he sat near the base of the stairs. James looked over at the other two and silently decided to go in next. He went through the door into Dumbledore’s office and closed it behind himself.

Dumbledore sighed.

"Did you have any part in this, James?"

"No, sir," he said sincerely. "I didn’t know about it. I never would have tried to... or used Remus like that...." He looked up at the Headmaster, concerned. "You believe me, don’t you?"

Dumbledore nodded.

"Yes, James. This is a complicated matter, though." He rubbed the bridge of his nose. "What I should actually do right now is award you one-hundred and fifty points and give you an award for special services to the school."

James gaped.

"You look so shocked," Dumbledore said, mildly amused. "You risked your life out there and probably your friendship with Sirius Black. That is no small act. I’m afraid you may have to go unrecognized for this, however. There would be no way to explain it to the school."

"That’s alright, sir," James said, completely awed. "I thought I’d be in detention for the rest of the year."

"For saving a life, James?" Dumbledore asked.

"Well," James frowned, confused. "I just... I can’t think straight about it, I guess."

"No, not if you thought I would punish you," Dumbledore agreed, putting his hands on James’s shoulders. "Know that I am proud of you, James. You’ve shown yourself to be better than you normally pretend. What you did tonight makes me sure that you were placed in the correct house."

"Thank you sir," James said, still dazed.

"Now, could you please tell me what happened? Severus was reluctant to talk about it."

James nodded. "In the dorm, Sirius let it slip that he told Snape to go to the Whomping Willow and ‘see for himself’ what happened to Remus once a month. I ran out to stop him, but he was already in the tunnel, so I had to chase after him. He was at the end, and Remus... the werewolf, that is, broke through the floorboards to get to the entrance to the tunnel. I cast shields at it- a lot of them, and it broke through, but it was slowed down until it finally gave up. I guess it couldn’t smell us anymore. I put another shield in case, but the werewolf was gone already. I don’t think it will go out onto the grounds."

"Shields? And you say he broke through the floorboards?"

James nodded.

"We’d better bring him to the infirmary as soon as the moon sets," Dumbledore said almost to himself, glancing at his watch and then out the window.

It suddenly occurred to James what Dumbledore was getting at. All those things had happened to Remus- the skin tearing on the wooden planks, the burning as it fought past James’s shields.

"God," James said. "Remus." He covered his face with his hands.

"Madame Pomfrey will take care of him," Dumbledore assured him.

"It’s so strange, Headmaster," James said quietly. "That thing... isn’t like him at all."

"No," Dumbledore agreed. "It certainly isn’t."

The moonlight made him look very sad, and very tired.

"You may go now, James."

"Thank you sir."

James stepped out into the stairwell. Sirius was fiddling with his shoelaces. Peter looked over at him and at James and then awkwardly got up to go next. He stepped sheepishly into the office and closed the door.

His eyes were wide.

"Do you know why you’re here?" Dumbledore asked.

Peter shook his head, eyes still huge.

"Were you aware of any prank Sirius Black intended to play on Severus Snape tonight?"

"Err... I don’t think so," Peter said fearfully. "Sometimes I forget, but I’m pretty sure he never told me... what was it?"

"Regarding the Whomping Willow? Ring a bell?"

Peter shook his head.

"Well then. You don’t need to be here, do you?" Dumbledore smiled. "Thank you for your time and your concern, Peter. I apologize for dragging you out of bed at this late hour."

Peter frowned. He left, looking confused. Sirius looked up at him as he left the office and then back down at the stairs.

James watched him.

"Get in there, Sirius," James said.

"Yeah, I know," Sirius grumbled. He stood and went into the office, not looking at James. James stopped him by the arm part way through.

"Sirius," he whispered.

Sirius looked at him. He looked away, spoke awkwardly.

"Good luck."

Sirius looked hopeful for a moment.

"Thanks," he said. Then he stepped into the office and closed the door. There was a deep silence to the room.

Dumbledore watched him.

"What you did was extremely foolhardy, Mr. Black. Or so I hope it was, because if it wasn’t it could only have been completely immoral."

Sirius kept his eyes lowered.

"Would you please... not call me that?" he asked very quietly.

"Do you realize, Sirius, what your father would have done, had he been in your position?" Dumbledore questioned him.

Sirius didn’t answer.

"He would have done exactly the same thing."

He felt unbelievable anger at being told, once more, that he had become his father. And immense shame.

"I’m not my father," he said, still quietly, still unable to meet Dumbledore’s eyes.

"Is there anything that you could possibly say for yourself?" Dumbledore asked calmly. "Look at me, Sirius, and tell me what you were thinking."

Sirius scuffed his toe against the ground.

"Look at me."

He looked up reluctantly, and could have sworn he was sinking into the ground. There was no twinkle in the blue eyes.

"What do you have to say for yourself, Mr. Black?"

Sirius swallowed the painful lump in his throat.

"Nothing, sir."

"Think hard. Just think if you had succeeded. Is there even any lie you could make up that would excuse you for murder?"

"No, sir," Sirius said, swallowing hard and ducking his head back down to the floor.

"So what would you do, if you were me, Sirius? Why shouldn’t I expel you?"

Tears ran off of his nose.

"Because I’m sorry," he said thickly, swallowing again.

"Is that good enough?" Dumbledore asked softly.

Sirius shook his head, his tears falling without break now. When he spoke it sounded like his nose was plugged.

"But I am, I am, and Blacks are never sorry, but I am-"

"Why did you do it?"

"I don’t know," Sirius sobbed, holding his hair. "I don’t know." He tried to pull himself together, swallowing his tears again.

"Five hundred points from Gryffindor, detention every day after school until I see fit to release you."

Sirius’s heart sank like a rock. There was no way that Gryffindor would recover by the end of the school year. Then suddenly he realized what was happening.

"You’re not expelling me?" he gaped, his face still wet from tears.

"No."

Sirius stared at him. There was a horrible pressure on his chest. He couldn’t breathe over his guilt.

"Sir," he said breathlessly, "I don’t-"

"You may return to your dorm for now. I will expect you in the hospital wing at five. You will speak with Remus."

"Yes, sir," Sirius said, horrified. He stumbled out of the office.

Peter and James were waiting to walk with him back to the dorm.

Snape had gone.

They didn’t speak, not all the way back, not as they climbed back into bed, and not when they all lay in bed and didn’t fall asleep.

____________

Snape sat on the floor of the Slytherin Common Room, his back to the wall, and waited for morning.

______________

When Remus Lupin woke up he was an inch deep in a mixture of mud, water, and his own blood. He tried to sit up and passed out from the pain.

_____________

Sirius Black opened his eyes. He hadn’t realized he’d fallen asleep. He sat up slowly and shook his head to make his hair fall into place and looked over at James.

James was staring blackly up at his bed canopy. His clothes were still a little damp and very muddy. He held his glasses, broken, and fiddled with them.

"What time is it?" Sirius asked quietly.

James looked at his watch.

"It’s four thirty."

Sirius looked down at himself. He was still dressed, and he hadn’t ever gotten under the covers.

"Should I go now?" he whispered at James.

James looked over at him. His look wasn’t cold, but it was empty; and Sirius felt sick seeing it.

"Sure," he said, and he turned back to the canopy.

Numbly, Sirius slipped out of bed. He walked down to the common room and out into the hall, silence pressing on his ears. It didn’t occur to him that he was technically wandering the halls at four-thirty in the morning, and he didn’t run into Filch, so it didn’t matter. He listened to his feet hitting the floor.

Dumbledore was waiting outside the hospital wing.

"Early, Sirius?" he asked.

Sirius nodded.

"Remus is awake right now. Should I ask him if he’s willing to see you?"

Sirius swallowed. He breathed.

"Yes, sir."

Dumbledore went inside. Sirius waited. He couldn’t hear what went on inside through the door. It opened again.

"Come in, please," Dumbledore said.

"Poppy." He motioned to Madame Pomfrey as Sirius stepped into the room.

"Do you really think this is a good-" Poppy began, trying to be discreet.

"You’ll have to have a little faith in me," Dumbledore said.

She sighed and followed him out into the hall, looking doubtful. Dumbledore closed the door behind them, and left Sirius standing alone in the white room, except for one bed on the far end, which had a sheet hung around it.

Sirius walked over to it, his heart beating in his mouth. He thought about not opening the curtain. What if he just stepped out and told Dumbledore they’d spoken? The old man would never know, and there was no way Remus wanted to talk....

He stood beside the bed.

"You can open it," Remus’s voice said, but it wasn’t normal. It was drawn and thin, as if he’d been put through a strainer. Sirius pulled the curtain aside reluctantly. One of Remus’s hands glistened with some kind of burn-healing potion. It was blistered all over. Parts of his face were the same. There was a bandage wrapped around him, covering the gashes on his back. It was dark, and he was looking down at the bed, away from Sirius, but Sirius could still see the dark rings under his eyes and the deep lines on his face.

"I broke my shoulder," he said emotionlessly. "There was a piece of wood stuck between my ribs. Madame Pomfrey said it didn’t hit any of my organs."

Sirius couldn’t think of anything to say.

"As a prefect," Lupin said, his voice straining more, "I’m going to have to give you detention, Sirius. Because that was really stupid. You’re really stupid. And you’re tactless and self-centered." A tear ran down from the corner of his eye.

"I’m sorry," Sirius whispered.

"So am I," Lupin said angrily, another tear rolling out of his eye. "I’m sorry I ever told you. I’m sorry I ever came here. I told you a million times to stop doing those things. I told you a million times you had to cut it out." His voice rasped bitterly.

"I’m sorry," Sirius pleaded again weakly.

Remus turned to face him, his eyes stone.

"Are you?"

Sirius mouthed stupidly, unused to seeing Remus angry. He looked back at his feet and rubbed his hands on his thighs.

"Yeah," he said, almost inaudibly.

"Well, I forgive you," Remus’s voice cracked as he said it, and he started crying suddenly. "Now go away."

"Remus-" Sirius began.

"I said go away!" Remus said, and turned away, hiding his face as he cried. He gasped between sobs- Sirius could see that it hurt him. But he couldn’t say anything that would make it better.

There was a void in his chest, a void that weighed a thousand pounds and sucked the blood out of him. He turned away and walked back to the door, stepping out into the silence of the hall again. He was shaking, and the only thing going through his mind repeatedly was, I swear I’ll never do it again, I swear I’ll never do it again. He wished that he could make himself run back in and say it to Remus.

But he knew he couldn’t.

He walked back to the Gryffindor home room.

_____________

The sun was coming up softly outside the window.

When he climbed back up the stairs, James was asleep.