Redemption

Chapter Twelve

Harry and Ginny had gotten very little sleep the previous night. They had sat together in silence for a very long time, both expecting Remus to be brought to the hospital wing, but no one came. Milliardo Peacecraft had sat in the shadows all night and kept an eye on them. When Harry finally drifted off to sleep with Ginny cradled in his arms, he could still see the stranger watching them and looking grim.

"Harry. Harry, wake up." Ginny was shaking him lightly. He came around slowly and then realized that Madame Pomfrey was sitting beside their bed.

"Good morning," the woman said to them. She looked very worn and more than a little drained but there was a sad sort of smile on her face.

"How is Remus? Is he okay? Oh, please say he's okay," Harry begged of her.

"I'm not sure about okay, but he is alive and his body is functioning stably. You found him just in time," she answered. "Not even magic can heal those on the very brink of death... As for his mental condition, I can only guess that it will be a long haul. He will need you as friends to help him through."

Harry nodded. "At least he isn't... dead." This last was a whisper and almost brought more tears to his eyes.

"Can we see him?" Ginny asked.

"He is asleep for the moment. Professor Snape has given him a powerful sleeping potion, but if you wish to sit beside him, I see no harm. He is over by the window. We came in during the very early hours of the morning."

"Thank you, Madame Pomfrey," Harry said to her, immediately getting up off the bed and making his way towards the corner bed which had the drapes drawn around it. He pushed them aside and took a good look at the figure on the bed.

Lupin's skin was paler than usual and very blotchy. There were gaunt circles under his eyes that had been growing as the weeks progressed, but, somehow, they now seemed to stand out more heavily. He was lying flat on his back, arms on either side of him, the left wrist seemed to be glowing with a faint pink aura. That was probably due to a spell to seal the wound, or, more likely, to renew the lost blood.

The boy sighed and took the seat by the head of the bed. After a moment, Ginny sat beside him and curled her knees up to her chest. Neither of them spoke; both were caught up in their own thoughts. Eventually, Ginny dropped off to sleep, and Harry got up and placed a blanket over her from one of the beds. At least another hour went by before Harry was startled by a *pop*. He stood and whirled around, coming face to face with Dobby.

Before the house elf could make a sound, Harry whipped out his wand and placed a silencing charm on him. "I really hate it when you do that, Dobby." The elf just stared at him in shock, eyes wide. "Sorry, I couldn't risk you waking Ginny or Remus. I'm going to take the charm off but you have to whisper." Dobby nodded to show that he understood, and Harry muttered the countercharm.

"Dobby is sorry, sir. When he found out about professor Lupin, he asked Mr. Dumbledore if he could help. Dobby was told that you would be needing food and drink, Harry Potter, sir." With a click of the fingers, a massive platter of fruit and meat appeared, floating in mid-air in front of Harry.

He sighed. "Thank you, Dobby. I appreciate it."

"Dobby is glad to be of service, sir," the house elf answered, and then, with a bow, he disappeared once more.

"Harry? What's going on? Is he awake?" Ginny stirred and rubbed her eyes. "Oh," she said, noticing the platter. "Is that for us?" Harry nodded and smiled when the girl cheered up a little. "I'm starving," she told him, eagerly taking a cracker and piling it with cheese and ham.

"Aren't you going to have something?" she finally asked once she'd eaten all that she could.

"I'm not very hungry," he answered.

"Did someone mention food?" asked a weak voice, and both Harry and Ginny jumped.

"You're awake!" they cried in unison.

Lupin cringed. "No need to shout. I've got a terrible headache."

"And I'll bet you're feeling a little woozy, too," Madame Pomfrey diagnosed, opening the curtain. "Ah, good. Albus arranged some food for you two. Oh, and pumpkin juice, wonderful!" She grabbed a large silver pitcher from the middle of the platter and filled one of the two glasses. "Here you are," she said, handing it to Lupin. "This will do you good." Once he'd drunk down the pumpkin juice, she took a block of chocolate from a pocket in her uniform. Unwrapping it, she broke off several pieces and handed them to the professor. "Now eat those right away, and I want to see the whole block finished within the hour."

"Poppy, stop fussing. I'm not a student. I'm a fully grown adult, and I can take care of myself." He looked her in the eye, trying to assert his authority, and failing miserably. "Fine. I'll eat the damn chocolate," he grumbled.

"Of course you will. I know what's best, and if this is your idea of taking care of yourself, then I do not intend to let you out of my ward for a very long time," the elderly matron scolded, although there was a glimmer in her eyes that bellied the harsh words. "Now, eat up, I expect you'll have some more visitors soon."

Remus sighed and did as he was told. Madame Pomfrey did not leave until he eaten all of the pieces she'd broken off and taken some more from the block himself. "Oh, and as for you, Harry," she added upon drawing the curtains closed again. "I don't want to hear any more of this 'I'm not hungry' nonsense. Is that clear?"

"Yes, ma'am," he answered, feeling like a small child and took a fresh green apple from the tray.

"Very good," she said and left them to their own devices.

Harry ate his apple, and Lupin, his chocolate. Ginny poured herself a glass of pumpkin juice and stared at the surface sullenly. There was along uncomfortable silence until Lupin finally spoke up. "How long have you two been sitting there?"

"We slept in here last night and then came to sit by the bedside late in the morning," Harry answered, eyes downcast.

Another silence stretched between them, and all three wished that they were anywhere else but in that room. Then, all of a sudden, the tension was broken as somebody entered the ward and Madame Pomfrey directed them towards the partitioned bed.

The curtains parted once more, and Ron and Hermione appeared looking distraught. "We were so worried about you three all day! All of you just disappeared in the night and nobody knew where you were! We were only just told by Dumbledore! What on Earth happened?" Hermione ranted.

A look of guilt passed over the professor's face and he looked up at her sheepishly. "I'm afraid that this is my fault," he said quietly. "Please don't be angry at Harry or Ginny. They've been through enough already because of me."

It really hurt Harry to hear the deep remorse in Lupin's voice and he felt tears spring to his eyes for the umpteenth time since the previous night. "Don't say that, Remus. This isn't your fault."

"Don't be stupid. Of course it is. Who's fault could it possibly be, if not mine?" He sighed heavily and sunk back down onto the bed, staring at the ceiling. "I'm so sorry," he whispered, eyes closing tightly.

Rom and Hermione hadn't moved from where they'd be standing, and both were shocked to see their friends so broken. "Oh, god. What's happened?" The witch asked once more, looking almost horrified to hear the answer.

"I... I tried to kill myself," the man answered, eyes still closed, dreading their reactions. "I sharpened a letter opener and.. tried to slit my wrists."

There was a long pause until Lupin finally opened his eyes. Ron looked dumbstruck, but Hermione... Hermione looked livid. "You stupid fool! What were you thinking!? How could you possibly be so selfish!? Especially after what happened to Sirius! We need you, you idiot... how...how could you... I don't understand..." The outraged cry faded gradually into whispers. Everyone was staring at Hermione except Lupin, and there was a dead silence that seemed to swallow them all whole. "I-I'm sorry," she whispered at last and ran from the room.

"Hermione?" Ron called weakly after her. After a moment of indecision, he started to follow her, but Ginny stopped him.

"No, let me go." He nodded and watched as his little sister left the Hospital Wing. Then, he turned back towards the bed where Harry was sitting and biting his lip and Lupin had turned his face into the pillow, his eyes staring blankly out into the darkness of the grounds.

"She had a point," Harry whispered.

Lupin didn't respond.

"I don't understand what you were thinking," the boy continued, a note of pleading in his voice. "Will you at least tell me why?"

Remus seemed to realize that he was going to have to say something sooner or later. Sighing heavily, he pushed himself to a sitting position and cast a nervous glance at Ron, who seemed to get the hint.

"I'm going to go see if the girls are ok..." he said to them and left, not waiting for a reply.

"Harry," the werewolf began, "this is going to be hard for you to understand."

"Try me."

"I... this is so hard to say... I've never... never felt so alone. Everyone I used to care about is gone. For good, this time. I'm the only one left. I don't have anything to live for anymore. At first, I wanted to see you grow up. James' boy here at Hogwarts, and I got to see that. And then, suddenly there was nothing again... but Sirius came back. He came back to me and gave me a reason to be alive, and now that he's gone, I-"

"What about me, Remus? Aren't I a good enough reason? No of course not. I'm Harry, not James... Not Sirius." Harry knew even as he said it that he didn't mean to be so spiteful, but he was so angry that Lupin would do this to him. Angry and hurt.

"You know that's not- I didn't mean-"

"It's not true? You didn't mean it? Well, you're wrong. It is true, whether you meant it or not. I'll never be my like my father or his friends, and I'll never be anything but his shadow. My whole life I've either been the famous Harry Potter, or good ol' James' son. There have only ever been a handful of people who cared about plain old Harry, and I thought you were one of them, but obviously I was mistaken. When I first met you in third year, you became like a father figure to me, and then Sirius came along, and it was like I almost had a real family. For once I had people to look up to like every other kid. When I lost Sirius, I lost a father for the second time in my life, and now here you go, pulling something like this. If I didn't love you so much, I'd hate you! I don't care what you think. You're not doing this again. I wont let you. I wont let you leave me."

.................................................................................................................................

Poppy listened to Harry and Lupin as they tried to sort through both their own emotions and each other's. She didn't mean to eavesdrop, but hidden away in her office, she was completely forgotten, and Harry was making no effort to keep his voice down. She could have interrupted, but she believed that this was for both of their goods. They needed to get this out into the open, and the sooner they understood each other, the sooner each could recover from their ordeal.