Reflections

She sat in a far corner of the small coffee shop. It wasn't very full since it was only eight-thirty in the morning, but that was fine with her. She need time to think; to reevaluate her life. So many things had gotten to the breaking point in the past year she wasn't sure what to do.

Recently her memories were haunting her more then ever. Flashes of her sister's green eyes, strange sounds like her brother-in-law's laugh, music that reminded her of a former boyfriend, and people who reminded her of another were rushing in her brain.

Her husband would never understand. He had things perfect. An obedient wife who never yelled when he bestowed on her the verbal (and occasionally physical) abuse that was his way, a son who was just like him, a small upstanding home, kept neat and tidy. He never knew that it was because she had a problem that everything had to be cleaned. It went down to her childhood when she would clean even her sister's room because it was messy and she couldn't stand it.

She smiled weakly as she sipped on her hot chocolate. Lily had always been her opposite. She had been outgoing, popular, a leader in all senses. Lily defended the innocent and those who could not defend themselves while she tended to stay in the shadows in her clean little world, more ready to follow then to lead. She never told Lily, but secretly she was jealous of her. Jealous of the way she could go though life without a care, jealous of the attention she got a home and from the boys at school, jealous of her good grades, jealous of her beautiful green eyes that showed eternally in her son. Lily was everything her sister wanted to be.

She had been a witch herself, though her parents were lackluster in her achievements then her sister. Lily was new, something never done before for the family. Petunia was just another one in line. Whatever she did had already been done by her sister. She was only 10 months younger then Lily and yet was hardly special.

Petunia had been a beauty herself, although she knew of only four people who had told her that. Her sister, who had been her best friend at the time, James Potter, Sirius Black and Remus Lupin had been kind enough to tell her, although she rarely believed a word they said about it.

She closed her eyes, fighting against the tears that arouse at the thought of them. She had found out about Sirius' recent death from a correspondence she had with Nymphadora Tonks, a young cousin of his. They wrote by muggle mail, since Vernon would not be happy if he found his "non-freak" wife talking via owl. But she needed some way of finding out what was happening in the life of her nephew, whom she loved though she could never show it to him.

Sirius had been a good friend to her, and she was shocked to find that he had turned her sister in. Shock turned to anger for many years, where she blamed James for Lily's death because of his friendship with Sirius. That was why she had been so harsh when talking about him during her nephew's first year. When she had found out he had contacted Harry in third year at first she was scared, scared of what he could do to her and what he could do to Harry. It was though her letters to Tonks that she had found out his innocence, and then barely enough time later his death. She had gone easy on Harry as much as she could that summer, understanding his grief and possibly unrealistic guilt. Vernon hadn't noticed, thank heavens.

Sirius had been more then a friend once. It was when they were young, he barely sixteen, her fifteen. He had been a first love, the first to break her heart, but also the first to show her love. Lily had been mad when she had found out that Petunia had slept with him; more with Sirius then with her. She was mad at him for awhile for breaking Petunia's heart and for taking her innocence on that subject away when she was only fifteen.

But then there had been Remus. Oh, he had filled two years of her life with happiness and she never regretted it, especially during her marriage to Vernon. She would have done anything for him then. She had admired him. But when she was eighteen and he was nineteen, he told her that it wouldn't work. She had realized that as well. She had loved him, but it wasn't enough for just her to love. His love went to Sirius, although at first she didn't know. It felt odd to realize that your former lovers were now lovers themselves.

That was when Vernon had shown up. He had been so sweet during their dating period she had felt no reason not to say yes to marrying him. But after their marriage he began to try to change her. He slowly manipulated her without her knowing and managed to get her to stop communications with her sister, and then to stop using magic altogether. He made her believe she was a freak and she should do everything she could to be "normal."

She laughed scornfully. What was normal but someone's own standards of everyone else? No one was completely normal for normalcy was dependant on point of view.

Vernon never abused her in front of their son or her nephew; only at night when the children were asleep did he release the cutting words. He would call her names, open old wounds. His favorite attacks were her sister and "that child". He always got a kick of the tears that would fall at the mention of the child she had miscarried before meeting him. And of course there was Harry. She was never hard enough on the "freak of nature" he would say.

Vernon had her so wrapped up that she was scared of magic anymore. She had been freighted by any magic Harry did and had been thankful that Dudley had been born a "normal" child. She threw all her affection on her son, hoping that if she did that it would ratify her sins in her husband's eyes.

He never would forgive her, and that was what brought her here. She needed to ask herself if she was happy living a life half lived. She needed to get out, get Dudley out, especially Harry out, before Vernon's theology of life killed them all.

It was then she resolved to leave her husband. She still had her parent's home, having never gotten it transferred to Vernon's name despite his request to do so. She could move there with her son and nephew. He couldn't catch them there. He didn't even know where it was.

She could go back into the wizarding world, maybe get a job helping Madam Malkin. She had always been a good seamstress. It would be an ideal job and she could earn money to pay for Dudley's schooling, although she didn't know how much she would earn doing fashion-related magic or how good she was after almost 18 years of not using magic.

The only problem in that plan was that she would have to meet those she left behind. She would have to face the world that had brutally killed her sister and brother-in-law, imprisoned and then killed an innocent man, and left a kindhearted man without a life because of something that happened to him as a child. It was a bigoted world...was it any better then the muggle world?

She stood up and paid the bill before walking out of the shop and then proceeded to walk down the street. Her old home was not very far. She had taken a taxi to the cafe, knowing it was far enough way. She turned into a street that went into the country. It was a long walk down the road to the old house, which surprising looked lived in. She walked up slowly to the house, not knowing what to expect. Perhaps the ghosts of James and Lily were there; ready to punish her for not taking good enough care for their child. She would deserve it she knew.

She opened the door slowly, figuring it to be unlocked. Walking into the front entry way she could see someone sitting in the kitchen on the other side of the hall.

She walked down the hall, quietly although she doubted they would hear her if she stomped, they seemed as if they were intently focused on whatever they were doing. But as she got closer the identity became clear. There sitting at the table that once served as a family meeting place was Remus Lupin, his head resting on the top. It was clear that he was sleeping, his defenses down, the tear marks still visible on his checks. It broke her heart to see him like that.

His eyes opened suddenly and he sat up when he saw her. Instantly the old defenses went back up. He looked at her awhile, slowly standing up. They just continued to stare at each other. Finally Petunia looked away, realizing as she stood there that he looked as attractive as he did 18 years ago and also her feelings for him had not diminished. However she knew now, as a woman of 35 years that she could not act on them. For one she was married and for another, Remus was still grieving the loss of his best friend and lover, and there was the possibility that he felt nothing for her but hate. She deserved it for what she had done to her sister and her friends. She deserved it for what she had done to Harry. She deserved every curse thrown at her.

However, he just walked over to her and put his arms around her, and the two grieved for the past and the friends they lost together, trying not to think of the empty looking future.