Hogsmeade

Kittyara pictures presents

hogsmeade

adapting...

Velma Kelly: Ginny Weasley

Roxie Hart: hermione Krum/Granger

Billy flinn: Harry Potter

Amos: Viktor Krum

Matron Mama Morton: Matron Minerva McGonagall

Bandleader: Lee Jordan

Fred Casley: Ron Weasley

Charlie Kelly: Draco Malfoy

Disclaimer: You know the deal.

Disclaimer: you know the deal.

LEE JORDAN
5, 6, 7, 8!

DANCE CAPTAIN:
[Man looking for Weasley sisters]
Does anybody see the Weasley sisters?
You, you're up in 5.

GINNY: (getting out of the Knight Bus)
- Keep the change, Stan.

STAN- CONDUCTOR
- Thank you.

DANCE CAPTAIN:
Where the have you been? And where is Veronica?

GINNY:
I'm on myself tonight

DANCE CAPTAIN:
But tonight's your sister act.

GINNY:
Don't sweat it. I can do it alone. Crap! All right!

DANCE CAPTAIN:
Move it! Move it! Hurry up!

LEE JORDAN
Ladies and gentlemen, the Owl Club is proud to present Hogsmeade's hottest show in the world. Two Jazz babes moving as one. The Weasley sisters!

GINNY:
Come on babe
Why don't we paint the town?
And all that Jazz
I'm going to rouge my knees
And roll my stockings down
And all that jazz
Apparate
I know a whoopee spot
Where the gin is cold
But the piano's hot
It's just a noisy hall
Where there's a nightly brawl
And all
That
Jazz

LEE JORDAN
(Make that two)

GINNY:
And all that jazz
And all that jazz
Slick your hair
And wear your dragon shoes
And all that Jazz
I hear that Dumbledore
Is going to blow the blues
And all that Jazz
Hold on, hon
We're going to bunny hug
I bought some aspirin
Down at United Drug
I case you shake apart
And want a brand new start
To do
that

HERMIONE: (imagine)
Jazz

RON:
Let's go, babe.

HERMIONE:
But l didn't even meet your friend. That manager guy.

RON:
Don't worry, Hermione. It's all taken care of.

HERMIONE:
You told him about me?

RON:
Yeah, kid. lt's all arranged.

GINNY:
Find a flask
We're playing fast and loose
And all that jazz
Right up here
Is where I store the juice
And all that jazz
Come on, babe
We're going to brush the sky
I bet you luck Lindy
Never flew so high
'Cause in the stratosphere
How could he lend an ear
to all
that
Jazz?
Oh, you're going to see your sheba shimmy shake

COMPANY:
And all that jazz

GINNY:
Oh, she's going to shimmy 'till her garters break

COMPANY:
And all that jazz

GINNY:
Show her where to park her girdle
Oh, her mother's blood'd curdle

COMPANY:
If she'd hear her baby's queer

GINNY:
For all
that
jazz

HERMIONE:
Oh!
- Hello, Ms. Umbridge.

MS. UMBRIDGE:

HERMIONE:
- You're a liar, Ron.

RON:
- Oh, yeah, so what?

HERMIONE:
You lied to me...

RON:
That's right, sweetheart. That's right.

HERMIONE:
You S.O.B. (shoots w/ wand) YOU S.O.B! S.O.B!

COLIN CREEVEY:
Why you bothering, Den? This one's all wrapped up. I hear it's a new city
record. From killing to confession, in an hour for that.

SERGEANT FINNIGAN:
Why did you get a murder weapon?

VIKTOR:
I keep a wand in the undervear drawer. Just in case of trouble, you know.

SERGEANT FINNIGAN:
That's just fine. Sign right here, Mr.Krum.

VIKTOR:
For you, gladly. Really & gladly.

SERGEANT FINNIGAN
And mind that you don't say we beat you up when you at the witness stand.

VIKTOR:
No, I giff myself up. Surrender at my own free vill.

NEVILLE LONGBOTTOM::
lf indeed you're the murderer.

HERMIONE:
Shooting a burglar ain't murder. Just last week jury sent a man walking, thanking him.

NEVILLE LONGBOTTOM:
I'm always grateful if the citizens know the law. Get him there. You too. Sit
down. Okay, from the top.

VIKTOR:
A man has got the right to protect his home and his loved one, right?

NEVILLE LONGBOTTOM:
Of course he has.

VIKTOR:
Vell, I come home from practice, I see him climbing through the vindow.

NEVILLE LONGBOTTOM:
Ah!

VIKTOR:
With my wife Hermy-own-ninny lying there, sleeping like an angel.

NEVILLE LONGBOTTOM:
ls that true, Mrs. Krum?

VIKTOR:
I'm telling you, that's the truth. My vife has nothing to do with it. She von't
hurt a vorm. Not even a vorm. Until I fired the first shot, then she opened
her eyes. She was somehow in sleep. I would say she sleeps in charisma pray.
When I think of vhat vould happened if I went off for a butterbeer with the guys instead of coming straight home, it makes me sick even think about it...

LEE JORDAN:
For her first number, Ms. Hermione Krum would like to sing a song of Loving
Devotion. Dedicated to her dear husband, Viktor.

HERMIONE:
Sometimes I'm right
Sometimes I'm wrong
But he doesn't care
He'll string along
He loves me so
That funny honey of mine
Sometimes I'm down
Sometimes I'm up
But he follows 'round
Like some droopy-eyed pup
He loves me so
That funny honey of mine

VIKTOR:
Like I said, even though I shot at him, he kept coming at me. So I had to curse him again.

HERMIONE:
He ain't no sheik
That's no great physique,
And Lord knows he ain't got the smarts
Oh but look at that soul
I tell you the whole
Is a whole lot greater than
The sum of his parts
And if you knew him like me
I know you'd agree
What if the world
Slandered my name?
Why he'd be right there
Taking the blame
He loves me so
And it all suits me fine
That funny sunny honey
Hubby of mine

VIKTOR:
And supposed if... just supposed if he violated her or something. You know what
I mean, violated?

NEVILLE LONGBOTTOM:
l know what you mean.

VIKTOR:
Or something. Think how terrible it'd have been. It's good thing I got home
from vork on time. - I'm telling you that.

HERMIONE:
He loves me so
That funny honey of mine

VIKTOR:
- I say I'm telling you that.

NEVILLE LONGBOTTOM:
The name of deceased is Ron Weasley.

VIKTOR:
Ron Weasley? How could he be a burglar? My vife knows him. He sold us our furniture. He gafe us 10% off.

HERMIONE:
Lord knows he ain't got the smarts

NEVILLE LONGBOTTOM:
You told me he was the burglar? - You mean he was dead when you got home?

VIKTOR:
I'm covering for her. She was telling me some cock and bull story story about this burglar. And I'd say I did it because I was sure to get off. 'Help me, Viktor.'
she said, 'lt's my hour-need.'

HERMIONE:
Now he shot off his trap
I can't stand that sap

VIKTOR:
And I believed that cheap little tramp. She's too smart on me, huh? And I
protected her... I'm on a broom with my butt 14 hours a day. And she's now
promoted to a bon-bon? And traveling around like some freakin' hoochie! She
thought she could fool the world by that I wasn't fooled yet. I tell you that
something that I can take. But this time she pushed me too far. I didn't kill
him. Fool, what a sap I was

HERMIONE:
You double-crosser! You big bluffer mouth! You promised you'd stay...

VIKTOR:
What're you talking about? You've been setting me up, Hermy-own-ninny!

HERMIONE:
- damn it!

VIKTOR:
- You told me it was a burglar! The whole time you've been sleeping...

HERMIONE:
You are a disloyal husband! Look, it's true. l killed him. But it was
self-defense. He was trying to burgle me.

NEVILLE LONGBOTTOM:
From what l hear, he's been burgling you three times a week for the last month.
So what do you say, Mrs.?

UMBRIDGE:
- That's him, all right.

NEVILLE LONGBOTTOM:

- Thank you. Your story doesn't work, Mrs. Krum. So try this. Ron Weasley was a good time on the side but goofy here is a meal ticket.

HERMIONE:
Meal ticket? He couldn't buy my liquor.

NEVILLE LONGBOTTOM:

And Ron Weasley could? With a wife and five little Weasleys? Or he forgot to
mention them.

HERMIONE:
What?

NEVILLE LONGBOTTOM:
Oh, yes.

HERMIONE:
That jerk! Yes, I killed him. I would kill him again!

NEVILLE LONGBOTTOM:
Once was enough. Take her downtown. Come on.

COLIN CREEVEY:
Take off! This way, honey. Oh, come on. lt's a shame to hide such a beautiful
face. Why you shoot him, honey? Why don't you give a profile, a little smile
like the girl in the toothpaste ad?

NEVILLE LONGBOTTOM:
Take while you can. The case is down. District attorney Longbottom says this is
a kissing case.

HERMIONE:
Kissing?

NEVILLE LONGBOTTOM:
- I'm ready to go to the Wizengamot tomorrow.

HERMIONE:
Wait a minute, what do you mean kissing?

NEVILLE LONGBOTTOM:
Not so confident anymore, are you? Take her to the Azkaban Prison.

COLIN CREEVEY:
Come on, sweetie. Headline. What did you kill him? Is it...

HERMIONE:
Hey, what do you mean kissing?
____________________________*

WARDEN:
...Caffeine, cocaine or opium? Arm length: 31 inches... The matrons are on
the way. So don't get too cozy. Put off that cigarette!

GWEN:
Ever had McGonagall before? She's fine... as long as you keep her happy.

LEE JORDAN:
And now, ladies and gentlemen. The keeper of the keys, the countess of the
clink, the mistress of murderers' row. Matron Mama McGonagall!

MAMA MCGONAGALL:
Ask any of the chickies in my pen
They'll tell you I'm the biggest mother hen
I love 'em all and all of them love me
Because the system works
The system called reciprocity...

WARDEN:
On your feet.

MAMA MCGONAGALL:
Welcome, ladies.

Got a little motto
Always sees me through
"When you're good to Mama
Mama's good to you".

You might think l'd make your life a living hell, which is not true.

There's a lot of favors
I'm prepared to do
You do one for Mama
She'll do one for you.

l'd be your friend if you let me.
So if something upsets you
or makes you unhappy in any way,
don't shoot your fat-butt mouth on me
'cause l won't give. Now move it out.

They say that life is tit for tat
And that's the way I live
So, I deserve a lot of tat
For what I've got to give
Don't you know that this hand
Washes that one too
When you're good to Mama
Mama's good to you!

WARDEN:
Let's go!

MAMA MCGONAGALL:
You must be Krum. You're a pretty one.

HERMIONE:
Thank you, ma'am.

MAMA MCGONAGALL:
Why don't you call me Mama? We can take care of you. You'd be happy taken down in this block. Murderers' Row, we called it.

HERMIONE:
Oh, is that nicer? I don't think I'm really belonging here. I didn't actually
do anything wrong.

MAMA MCGONAGALL:
Don't need to tell me, honey. I've never heard of a man getting killed. When I get used to - just come to talk

GINNY:
Hey, mama. Come here.

HERMIONE:
Ginny Weasley? You're the Ginny Weasley? You know I was there that night? I was there that night that you got arrested.

GINNY:
Yeah, you're & half of Hogsmeade. Look at this, Mama. Another story of
denouncing me in Witch Weekly magazine. "Not in memory do we recall so horrible a double homicide."

MAMA MCGONAGALL:
Maybe you couldn't buy that kind of publicity.

GINNY:
Couldn't buy it? I guess I can keep these then.

MAMA MCGONAGALL:
Let's try.

If you want my gravy
Pepper my ragout
Spice it up for Mama
She'll get hot for you
When they pass that basket
Folk contribute to
You put in for Mama
She'll put out for you
The folks atop the ladder
Are the ones the world adores
So boost me up my ladder, Kid
And I'll boost you up yours
Let's all stroke together
Like the Princeton crew
When you're strokin' Mama
Mama's strokin' you
So what's the one conclusion
I can bring this number to?
When you're good to Mama
Mama's good to you!

HERMIONE:
Mama? It's... kinda freezing in here. You don't think maybe there's something
wrong with the heat? Not that I'm complaining, mind you but... you know... if
you can bring some blankets on the way...

MAMA MCGONAGALL:
Lights out, ladies.

________________________________-
GWEN:
Pop.

LUNA:
Six.

TONKS:
Squish.

FLEUR:
Uh-Uh.

GINNY:
Hogs Head.

KIA:
Lockhart.

LEE JORDAN:
And now, the six merry murderers from the Azkaban Jail, in their rendition
of The Cell-block Tango.

GWEN:
Pop.

LUNA:
Six.

TONKS:
Squish.

FLEUR:
Uh-Uh.

GINNY:
Hogs Head.

KIA:
Lockhart

GWEN:
Pop.

LUNA:
Six.

TONKS:
Squish.

FLEUR:
Uh-Uh.

GINNY:
Hogs Head.

KIA:
Lockhart.

ALL MURDERESSES:

He had it coming
He had it coming
He only had himself to blame.
If you'd have been there
If you'd have seen it

GINNY:
I betcha you would have done the same!

GWEN:
Pop.

LUNA:
Six.

TONKS:
Squish.

FLEUR:
Uh-Uh.

GINNY:
Hogs Head.

KIA:
LockKrum

GWEN:
Pop.

LUNA:
Six.

TONKS:
Squish.

FLEUR:
Uh-Uh.

GINNY:
Hogs Head.

KIA:
Lockhart

GWEN:

You know how people have these little habits that get you down? Like Snape.
Snape liked to chew gum. No, not chew. Pop. So, I came home this one day and
I am really irritated, and looking for a little sympathy and there's Snape,
layin' on the couch, drinkin' a butterbeer and chewin'. No, not chewin'. Popin'! So, I said to him, I said, "Snape, you pop that gum one more time..."
And he did! So I took the wand off the wall and fired two warning shots...
...into his head.

ALL MURDERESSES:
He had it coming
He had it coming
He only had himself to blame.
If you'd have been there
If you'd have heard it
I betcha you would
Have done the same!

LUNA:
I met Chayden Young from Salt Lake City about two years ago and he told me he was single and we hit it off right away. So, we started living together. He'd
go to work, he'd come home, I'd get him a drink, we'd have dinner.
And then I found out, "Single" he told me? Single, my butt. Not only was he
married. ...Oh, no, he had six wives. One of those cult leaders, you know. So that night when he came home from work. I mixed him his drink as usual.
You know, some guys just can't hold their arsenic!

ALL, EXCEPT LUNA:
He had it coming / Pop, Six, Squish, Uh-Uh,
He had it coming / Hogs Head, Lockhart
He took a flower
In its prime
And the he used it / Pop, Six, Squish, Uh-Uh,
And he abused it / Hogs Head, Lockhart
It was a murder
But not a crime!

TONKS:
Now, I'm standing in the kitchen carvin' up the chicken for dinner, minding my
own business, and in storms my husband Remus, in a jealous rage. "You been
seein' the milkman," he says. He was crazy and he kept on screamin' "You
been seein' the milkman," And then he ran into my knife! He ran into my
knife TEN TIMES!

ALL MURDERESSES:
If you'd have been there
If you'd have seen it
I betcha you would have done the same!

FLEUR:
Mit keresek, enn itt? Azt mondjok, hogy lakem lefogta a ferjemet en meg
lecsaptam a fejet. De nem igaz, en artatlan vagyok. Nem tudom mert mondja
Uncle Sam hogy en tetten. Probaltam a rendorsegen megmagyarazni de nem
ertettek meg...

HERMIONE:
Yeah, but did you do it?

FLEUR:
UH UH, not guilty!

GINNY:
My sister, Veronica, and I had this double act and my husband, Draco,
traveled around with us. Now for the last number in our act, we did these 20
acrobatic tricks in a row, one, two, three, four, five... Splits, spread
eagles, back flips, flip-flops, one right after the other. Well, this one
night before the show we are in the Hotel Hogs Head, the three of us, sittin' up
in a room, boozin' and havin' a few laughs and we ran out of ice, so I
went out to get some. I come back, open the door And there's Veronica and
Charlie doing Number Seventeen -the spread eagle.
Well, I was in such a state of shock, I completely blacked out. I can't
remember a thing. It wasn't until later, when I was washing the blood off my
hands I even knew they were dead.

GINNY, GIRLS:
They had it coming
They had it coming
They had it coming all along.
I didn't do it/ She does not do it
But if I'd done it (she'd done it)
How could you tell me that I was wrong?
They had it coming
They had it coming
They had it coming
They had it coming
They had it coming
They took a flower
All along
In its prime
I didn't do it
And then they used it
But if I'd done it
And they abused it
How could you tell me
It was a murder
That I was wrong? / But not a crime!

KIA:
I love that Lockhart more than I can possibly say. He was a real artistic
guy... Sensitive...a writer. He was always trying to find himself. He'd go
out every night looking for himself and along the way he found Pansy, Padma,
Parvati and Hannah. I guess you can say we broke up because of artistic differences. He saw himself as alive and I saw him dead.

ALL MURDERESSES:
The dirty bum, bum, bum, bum, bum
The dirty bum, bum, bum, bum, bum

ALL WITHOUT KIA:
They had it comin'
They had it comin'
They had it comin'
They had it comin'
They had it comin'
They had it comin'
All along
All along
'Cause if they used us
'Cause if they used us
And they abused us
And they abused us
How could you tell us
How could you tell us
That we were wrong?
That we were wrong?

GINNY, TONKS, AND FLEUR:
He had it coming
He had it coming
He only had
Himself
To blame.
If you'd have been there
If you'd have seen it
I betcha
You would
Have done
The same!

GWEN:
You pop that gum one more time!

LUNA:
Single my butt.

TONKS:
Ten times!

FLEUR:
Miert csukott Uncle Sam bortonbe.

GINNY:
Number Seventeen - the spread eagle.

KIA:
Artistic differences.

GWEN:

Pop

LUNA:

Six

TONKS:

Squish.

FLEUR:

Uh-uh

GINNY:

Hogs Head.

KIA:

Lockhart.

____________________________________-

HERMIONE:
Who brings along them?

TONKS:
- What is to you.

HERMIONE:
- Who then? Nothing. Heard they were Ginny's.

GWEN:
Fleur has done all her laundry for a couple of weeks.

HERMIONE:
Fresh towels for change.

WARDEN:
Make it quick.

MAMA MCGONAGALL:

MAMA MCGONAGALL:

That's the one we take you to the death house.

HERMIONE:
Holy mother of goodness.

MAMA:

Relax. I mean, in this town, murder is a formal entertainment. Besides, in 47
years Azkaban never kissed a woman yet. So even it's 47 and 1, they won't
kiss you.

HERMIONE:
- Jesus Mary Joseph.

MAMA:

You're talkin' to the wrong people What you need, is Harry Potter.

HERMIONE:
- Who?

MAMA MCGONAGALL:
-Harry Potter. One of the best wizard-criminal lawyer in all England. He knows about the Wizengamot and women.

HERMIONE:
How do you get this Harry Potter?

MAMA MCGONAGALL:
Not by prayer, dear. First, you give me a hundred Galleons. Then I'll make a
Floo call.

HERMIONE:
A hundred Galleons? Will you just... I mean, it seems pretty stiff for a Floo
call.

MAMA MCGONAGALL:
Over the works that we sent, he's never lost a case for a female client yet. And
a sweet little face like yours, let's just say what a blindness you got.

HERMIONE:
He's never lost a case?

MAMA MCGONAGALL:
Never. Every girl in this place would kill to have Harry Potter represent
them.

__________________________________________________________

GIRLS:
We want Harry
Give us Harry
H. A. Double R .Y.
We're all his
He's our kind of a guy
And ooh what luck
Cause here he is...

LEE JORDAN:
Ladies and gentlemen, presenting the silver tongued prince of the courtroom,
the one and only... Harry Potter!

HARRY:

I don't care about expensive things
Dragon coats, or diamond wands
Don't mean a thing
All I care about is love
That's what I'm here for
I don't care for wearin' silken robes,

Ruby studs, satin gloves
Don't mean a thing
All I care about is love
All he cares about is love
Give me two
Eyes of blue
Softly saying
I need you
Let me see her standin' there
And honest, mister, I'm a millionaire
I don't care for any fine attire
That Malfoy might admire
No, no, not me
- All I care about is love...
- All he cares about is love

Good morning, ladies.

FLEUR:
Not guilty!

HARRY:
You tell him, sweetheart.

FLEUR:
Ïîìîãèòå, ïîìîãèòå ìíå, ïîæàëóéñòà!

GIRLS:
That's what he's here for

RITA SKEETER
Excuse me, gentlemen. Miss Weasley, do you remember anything at all about that night?

GINNY:
I passed out. I can't remember a thing. Only that I didn't do it.

RITA SKEETER:
Any RRY:
No. But my client is offering a substantial reward to anyone with information
about this crime.

RITA SKEETER:
How much is the reward, Miss Weasley?

GINNY:
- I don't know, how much?

HARRY:
- We'll work it out after the trial. Now, if there's no more questions, Miss
Weasley and I have got a lot of work to do.

GINNY:
Potter, what is that about the reward?

HARRY:
If the reporters ask again, deny the whole thing later on.
- Thank you!

COLIN CREEVEY:
- One more question...

GIRLS:
All he cares about is love

HERMIONE:
- Mr. Potter, I'm Hermione Krum.

HARRY:
- Who?

HERMIONE:
Hermione Krum, you heard about me.

HARRY:

Oh, yeah. The cute one.

HERMIONE:

I was hoping that you might represent me.

HARRY:
You have 5,000 Galleons?

HERMIONE:
That's a lot of money. Mama didn't say anything about $5,000. Look Mr. Potter,
I'm not very good at this sort of thing, but... Maybe we could make some sort
of arrangement between us. And I can be an awfully good sport.

HARRY:
Good, you got the idea system. Listen, you mean just one thing to me. You call
me when you got 5,000 Galleons.

HARRY & GIRLS:
All he cares about is love
Show me long raven hair
Flowin' down, about to there
When I've seen
Her runnin' free
Keep your money, that's enough for me
I don't care for flyin' Firebolt brooms
Or sleeping in magical rooms

No, no, not me
All I care about is
Doin' the guy in
Who's pickin, on you
Twistin' the wrist
That's turnin' the screw
All I care about
is love!

___________________

SECRETARY:
Oh, he'll see you now.

HARRY:
Hello, Vincent.

VIKTOR:
Viktor, my name is Viktor.

HARRY:
That's right. Take a seat. You know you're a remarkable man. Your wife used
you twice. Killed the guy and try to blame it on you. Most men are going to dim
like that swing. But no, you're sticking by her. Actually you're a hero in my
eyes.

VIKTOR:
That's right. I'm a hero.

HARRY:
Did you bring the money?

VIKTOR:
I didn't do as vell as I hoped. But, I vill, Mr. Potter. I vill.

HARRY:
This is only a thousand.

VIKTOR:
Plus this 300 I borrowed from a guy on the team, and the 700 from the
building in Long Fund.

HARRY:
2,000 Galleons?

VIKTOR:
And that's all I got so far. But I'd gife you 20 Galleons of my salary every veek.
I'd give you a note vith interest. Double, triple, until efery cent is paid, I
promise.

HARRY:
You came to me yesterday, I didn't ask you if she's guilty. I didn't ask if
she's innocent. I didn't ask you if she's drunk, or a dope, no! All I said was,
do you have 5,000 Galleons? You said yes! But you don't have 5,000 Galleons! So I figure you're a dirty liar and I don't waste my time with dirty liars.

VIKTOR:
Look... I'm really sorry, Mr. Potter.

HARRY:
On the other hand, your devotion to your wife is really very touching. I'll
take your wife's case. And I'll keep it. Because I play square. Now look, I
don't like to blow my own horn. But believe me. If Jesus Christ lived in
Hogsmeade today and if he had 5,000 Galleons and he come to me, things would have turn out differently. All right, this is what we going to do. At the end of the week,I'm going to have Hermione's name at the front page of every newspaper in town. "Sweetest little killer in Hogsmeade." That's the angle I'm after. You make an announcement, we're going to have an auction. Tell them we gotta raise some money for the defense. They'll buy everything that she touched. Everything: Your shoes. Your dresses. Your perfumes Your underwear.

HERMIONE:
And the CDs. Like the one I was playing when I shot the filthy jerk.

HARRY:
I didn't hear that.

HERMIONE:
Not that I didn't have grounds. Hey, what are they?

HARRY:
When we go to trial, nobody is going to care a lick what your defense is unless
they care about you. So first thing we gotta do is work up some sympathy from
the press. And I'll push you like some Rita Skeeter. But there was one thing
they can never resist. And that is a reformed sinner. So tell me, what's your
favourite subject in school?

HERMIONE:
There... I was real great...

HARRY:
There must be something that you're really good at.

HERMIONE:
I got high marks in Muggle Studies and Potions.

HARRY:
Perfect, you wanted to be a nun.

HERMIONE:
A nun?

HARRY:
Where were you born?

HERMIONE:
On a chicken farm.

HARRY:
Beautiful home, filled with every luxury in refinement. Where's your parents
now?

HERMIONE:
Probably on the front porch in their rocking chairs.

HARRY:
They're dead. Family fortune swept away. You're educated as a witch.
Then you fell into a runaway marriage that left you miserable, alone, unhappy. Of course you got all swept up in a mad world, the city. Jazz, cabarets, liquors.
You're drawn like a moth to the flame.

HERMIONE:
A moth?

HARRY:
Now I am a man who will assist and you're a butterfly. Crushed on a wheel!

HERMIONE:
Wait, what did you say? Is it the moth or the butterfly?

HARRY:
- You have sin in your soul.

HERMIONE:
- God, that's beautiful.

HARRY:
Cut out God. Stay with your battle acquainted. Kid, when I'm through with you,
not only will you be acquainted, you can remain on the Wizengamot. They'll want to take you home to meet his mother.

HERMIONE:
I was born on a beautiful corn dent.

MAMA MCGONAGALL
- What?

HERMIONE:
- Holy shit! I'd never gonna get this straight!

HARRY:
Pipe down and stop swearing. Look, from here on, You'd say nothing wrong. Now try it again.

HERMIONE:
- I was born on...

GINNY:
- Come on... You know what I'm going to do at witness stand? I thought I'd get all
teary eyed and ask for your handkerchief. Then I think I'd take a peek at the
Wizengamot like this. Flash a bit of the thigh, what do you think?

HARRY:
It sounds great.

GINNY:
Hey, don't you want to hear the rest?

HARRY:
Knock it off. You're on the top of my list.
Well, well, well.

HERMIONE:
Sorry to be late, Mr. Potter. Hope you're not too bored.

HARRY:
I like it. I like it.

GINNY:
Hey, I heard your press conference is tomorrow.

HERMIONE:
Yeah, what is to you?

GINNY:
Well, you wanted my advice, right? Whatever it is, don't forget Harry Potter's
number-one client is Harry Potter.

HERMIONE:
Meaning what?

GINNY:
Meaning, don't let him hug the spotlight. You're the one that makes the scene.

___________________________________________________________
HARRY:
Remember, we can only sell them one idea.

HERMIONE:
I can still see him coming at me with that awful look in his eyes.

HARRY:
And?

HERMIONE:
And we... both reached for the wand.

HARRY:
That's right, you both reached for the wand.
- Ready?

HERMIONE:
- Yeah.

HARRY:
Thank you, gentlemen. Miss Skeeter. My client just entered pleads of not guilty. We look forward to the trial the earliest possible date. Now are there any questions? Miss Skeeter?

RITA SKEETER
As you know, my paper is dry. Do you have any advice for young girls, speaking
on how to avoid the life of Jazz and drink?

HARRY:
Absolutely yes. Mrs. Krum feels that it was the tragic combination of liquor
and Jazz, which lead to the downfall. Next question, please.

HERMIONE:
Ladies and gentlemen, I'd just like to say how flattered I am that you all
came to see me.

HARRY:
Mrs. Krum is very...

HERMIONE:
You see, I was a moth... crushed on a wheel. You know, butterfly drawn to
the... I bet you want to know why I shot the guy.

HARRY:
Shut up, dummy.

LEE JORDAN
Mr. Harry Potter in the press conference rag.
Notice how mouth never moves... almost.

REPORTER:
Where'd you come from?

HARRY:
Sussex County.

REPORTER:
And your parents?

HARRY:
Very wealthy.

REPORTER:
Where are they now?

HARRY:
Six feet under.
But she was granted one more start
The School of Hogwarts.

REPORTER:
When'd you get here?

HARRY:
1990.

REPORTER:
How old were you?

HARRY:
Don't remember

REPORTER:
Then what happened?

HARRY:
I met Viktor
And he stole my heart away
Convinced me to elope one day

RITA SKEETER:
Oh, poor girl, I can't believe what you've been through. A witch girl, a
runaway marriage. Now tell us Hermione:
Who's Ron Weasley?

HARRY:
My ex-boyfriend.

REPORTER:
Why'd you shoot him?

HARRY:
I was leavin'.

REPORTER:
Was he angry?

HARRY:
Like a madman
Still I said, Ron, move along.
She knew that she was doing wrong.

REPORTER:
Then describe it.

HARRY:
He came toward me.

REPORTER:
With a wand?

HARRY:
From my bureau.

REPORTER:
Did you fight him?

HARRY:
Like a skrewt.
He had strength and she had none.
And yet we both reached for the wand
Oh yes, oh yes, oh yes we both
Oh yes we both
Oh yes, we both reached for
The wand, the wand, the wand, the wand
Oh yes, we both reached for the wand

ALL:
Oh yes, oh yes, oh yes they both
Oh yes, they both
Oh yes, they both reached for
The wand, the wand, the wand, the wand,
Oh yes, they both reached for the wand
for the wand.

HARRY:
understandable. understandable
Yes, it's perfectly understandable
Comprehensible. Comprehensible
Not a bit reprehensible
It's so defensible!

REPORTER:
How're you feeling?

HARRY:
Very frightened

RITA SKEETER:
Are you sorry?

HERMIONE:
Are you kidding?

REPORTER:
What's your statement?

HARRY:
All I'd say is
Though my choo-choo jumped the track
I'd give my life to bring him back

REPORTERS:
And?

HARRY:
Stay away from

REPORTERS:
What?

HARRY:
Jazz and liquor

REPORTERS:

And?

HARRY:
And the men who

REPORTERS
What?

HARRY:
Play for fun

REPORTERS:
And what?

HARRY:
That's the thought that

REPORTERS
Yeah

HARRY:
Came upon me

REPORTERS:
When?

HARRY:
When we both reached for the wand!

HARRY AND RITA:

Understandable, understandable
Yes, it's perfectly understandable
Comprehensible, comprehensible
Not a bit reprehensible
It's so defensible!

REPORTERS:

Oh yes, oh yes, oh yes, they both
Oh yes, they both
Oh yes, they both reached for

HARRY:
Let me hear it!

REPORTERS:
The wand, the wand, the wand, the wand
Oh yes, they both reached
For the wand
For the wand

HARRY:
A little louder!

both REPORTERS:

Oh yes, oh yes, oh yes, they both
Oh yes, they
Oh yes, they both reached
- Oh, yeah
For the wand, the wand, the wand, the wand
Oh yes. They both reached
For the wand
Oh yes, oh yes, oh yes, they both
Oh yes, they both
Oh yes, they both reached for
The wand, the wand, the wand,the wand
Oh yes, they both reached for the wand.
Oh yes, oh yes, oh yes, they both
Oh yes, they both
Oh yes, they both reached for
The wand, the wand, the wand,the wand

HARRY:
Both reached for the...wand

________________________________________________________
LEE JORDAN
...The Magic City has taken a new criminal to a charge. Let me remind you the
name is: Hermione Krum. The sweetest lady ever accused in a murder in Hogsmeade.
Women want to look like her. Fellows want to go out with her. Some little girls
even want to take her home. Don't get any idea, little lady. On the other side
of town, the assistant D.A. promise the game little jump shooter

NEVILLE LONGBOTTOM:
will be kissed before You-Know-Who.

LEE JORDAN
Who knows? If he lit up to his word, assistant D.A. Longbottom might become
Minister Longbottom someday. At the scene of the crime, everybody wants a little piece of Hermione Krum. The jar would send her husband back 20 Galleons! Maybe this pretty little lady would get some of that famous Hermione style. It seems everybody these days is looking for Hermione Krum.

MAMA MCGONAGALL
Send the flowers to the yard and you make sure they send them. So, kiddo, you
have any thought what you want to do after Harry get you off?

HERMIONE:
Yeah, I think I'd like to go on stage.

MAMA MCGONAGALL
I figure it as much. I already called the Morris office.

HERMIONE:
Really? How much is that going to cost me?

MAMA MCGONAGALL
It's a fairly deal. 10% of all your takings.

HERMIONE:
Yeah, we'll see, Mama. Besides, I don't even have an act yet.

MAMA MCGONAGALL
Killing Ron Weasley was your act. That's solo steps in the audience. That song
is my favourite.

HERMIONE:
It's a freak act. Besides, I'm better than that.

MAMA MCGONAGALL
Of course you are. I mean, you can be as big as Cho Chang.

HERMIONE:
You really think so?

MAMA MCGONAGALL
Maybe Canton and Joseph combined.

_____________________________________________________________
HERMIONE:
You know, I always wanted to have my name on the papers. Before I met Viktor, I used to date this wealthy dude, ugly bootlegger. He used to take me out and
show me off. Ugly guys like to do that.Once it said in the paper, gangland alcopaly seen a shade Vito with cute blonde. That was me. You know all my life, I wanted to have my own act. But, no... Always no, they always turned me down. One big world-full of no. And then Viktor came along. Save sweet Viktor. Who never says no. I've never done this before. But you know, it's such a special night. And you are such a great audience! And I really feel like I can talk to you, you know? So forget what you read in the papers. And forget what you heard on theWWN. Because...because l'm going to tell you the truth. Not that the truth really matters. But I'm going to tell you anyway. In the bed apartment, Viktor was... zero. I mean, when he made love to me,it goes like... was he playing Quidditch or something. I love you, honey... Anyway, I start to fool around. And I start screwing around.Which is fooling around without dinner. Then I met Ron Weasley. He said he could get me into a bought film. But that didn't quite work out like I planned.
I guess it didn't really work out to Ron either. So I gave up the whole idea.
lf you can't figure out for all of these, opportunities just pass you by. But...
And now, with all these publicity, I got me a world full of yes!

The name on everybody's lips
Is going to be
Her-my-knee
The lady rakin' in the chips
Is going to be
Her-my-knee
I'm going to be a celebrity
That means somebody everyone knows
They're going to recognize my eyes
My hair, my teeth, my boobs, my nose
From just some Quidditch player's wife
I'm going to be
Her-my-knee
Who says that murders not an art?
And who in case she doesn't hang
can say she started with a bang?
Her-my-knee Krum!

Boys

HERMIONE & COMPANY:

They're going to wait outside in line
To get to see
Her-my-knee
Think of those autographs I'll sign
Good luck to you,
Her-my-knee
And I'll appear in Lavaliere
That goes all the way down to my waist
Here a ring, there a ring
Everywhere a ring a ling
But always in the best of taste

HERMION IN RECITIVE WHISPER:

Oooh I'm a star.
And the audience loves me.
And I love the audience and they love me
for loving them. And I love them for loving me.
And we love each other.
That's because none of us got any love in our childhood.
And that's show biz,

Kid.

HERMIONE & COMPANY:
She's giving up here humdrum life
I'm going to be
Her-my-knee.
She made a scandal and a start.
And Cho Chang will die, I know
To see her name get billed below
Her-my-knee Krum!
Her-my-knee

Her-my-knee
Her-my-knee

Her-my-knee
Her-my-knee

Her-my-knee
Her-my-knee

___________________________________________________________

GINNY:
l just can't take it anymore. Can't go anywhere without hearing about that dumb
tomato! Oh, Mama, not you too.

MAMA MCGONAGALL
I've got some bad news, kid. The tool has been canceled.

GINNY:
What?

MAMA MCGONAGALL
Your name is out of the paper too long. I read about today, it's the Krum kid.
She's hot.

GINNY:
And what am I supposed to do? Suck up to her like everybody else?

MAMA MCGONAGALL
It couldn't hurt.

GINNY:
Over my dead body.
_________________________________________________________

camera changes, with Hermione)
Mind if I join you?

VOICE OFF-CAMERA

Lights out

GINNY:
Look what some Johnny sent me. Triple cream caramel, all the way from France.

HERMIONE:
Oh, I'm watching my figure. You know, the trial.

GINNY:
Hey, Great mentioned that you're on a trip today, huh?

HERMIONE:
There have been so many, I just can't keep track.

GINNY:
Let me tell you, you're exactly same size as my sister. I mean, you'd fit into
her costumes perfectly.

HERMIONE:
Really?

GINNY:
Yeah, and I'm just thinking, you know, with all the publicity piled up between
us when Harry gets us off, we would be a natural to do an act together.

HERMIONE:
You think so?

LEE JORDAN:
Ladies and gentlemen, Miss Ginny Weasley in Act of Desperation.

GINNY:
My sister and I had an act that couldn't flop
My sister and I were headed straight for the top
My sister and I earned a thou a week at least
Oh, yeah!
But my sister is now, unfortunately, deceased
Oh, I know it's sad, of course
But a fact
is still a fact
And now all that remains
Is the remains
Of a perfect
double
act!
Watch this.

They have to match it with 2 people.
It's just all two people.

First I'd...
Then she'd...
Then we'd...
But I can't do it alone!
Then she'd...
Then I'd...
Then we'...
But I can't do it alone!
She'd say, "What's your sister like?"
I'd say, "Men,"
She'd say, "you're the cat's meow"
Then we'd wow the crowd again
When she'd go...
I'd go...
We'd go...
And then those ding-dong daddies started to roar
Whistled, stomped and stamped on the floor
Yelling, screaming, begging for more.
And we'd say, "O.K. fellas, keep your socks up."
you ain't seen nothin' yet!"
But I simply cannot do it
alone!

So what do you think?
Come on, you can say.

HERMIONE:
Pfrrrrrr!!!

GINNY:
I know you're right.
The first part is shit.
But the second part...
Second part is really nifty.

Ok, When she'd go...
I'd go...
We'd go...
And then those two-bit Johnnies did it up brown
To cheer the best attraction in town
They nearly tore the balcony down
And we'd say. "Okay, boys...
we're goin' home, but before we go here's a few more partin' shots!"
And this...
this we did in perfect unison.
Now, you've seen me goin' through it
It may seem there's nothin' to it
But I simply cannot do it
Alone!

HERMIONE:
So where's the part we blew the brains out?

GINNY:
Okay, Hermione. I'll leave..

HERMIONE:
No, don't bother. You think you're fooling me? You're all washed up. And it's
me they want now, and l'm a big star. Single. Oh, I almost forgot. You're in
the paper today too. In the back. 'Ginny Weasley's trial has been postponed
indefinitely.' Seven words. Here a little piece of advice. Direct from me to you. Lay off the caramels.

_____________________________________________________________
LEE JORDAN
And now, for all you Hogsmeade's stay-up-laters. To night owls who only come
alive at the dark, we dedicate this tune. Hogsmeade, After Midnight.

HARRY:
This all took place in London? lncredible. All right. Thanks. They just
arrest this woman for triple homicide.

MAN:
Really?

HARRY:
Yeah, get this. She's an Aries! And her family is in the brooms or
Quaffles, something to do with Quidditch.
(camera changes)
The demon Katie works in something... She's playing house. On the north side
in an apartment, she met Fred. What Fred does for living, no one's quite
sure. But it doesn't really matter 'cause she's paying all the bills. Anyhow,
Katie comes home tonight. Fred was already in bed. She goes to change. When
she returns, she notices something rather odd, extremely odd. There're
strippers in the apartment. Katie disappears for a second. And she returns,
she gently wakes up Fred. Fred says, ''What? l'm alone!'' ''Alone?'' she
says, '' you have two other women in bed with you!'' And Fred says, ''Come on,
darling, you going to believe what you see or what l tell you?''

LEE JORDAN
Good night, folks.

______________________________________________________________
RITA SKEETER:
Miss Bell, Miss Bell! Rita Skeeter from The Quibbler. Would you mind saying a word or two?

KATIE BELL:
Sure l'll say things. Go to hell!

HARRY:
Please direct your question to the counsel.

KATIE BELL:
Tell the counsel I want my money back!

HARRY:
It's not your money. It's your mother's money.

RITA SKEETER:
Are you sorry, dear?

KATIE BELL:
Yeah, I'm sorry that I got caught.

HERMIONE:
Okay, Miss Skeeter.

RITA SKEETER:
Hello, Hermione.

HERMIONE:
I got a letter from a guy. He says he going to hunger strike till I'm free.

RITA SKEETER:
That's nice.

REPORTER:
Miss Bell, did you know these two ladies personally?

KATEI BELL
Did I know these two ladies personally? Was that your question?

REPORTER:
Yeah, that's my... (Katie kicks reporter)

MAMA MCGONAGALL
She's very hot spirit, isn't she? Miss Bell...

HERMIONE:
Hey, Mr. Potter.

HARRY:
-Yeah, hi, Hally.

HERMIONE:
-lt's Hermione.

HARRY:
Yeah, sure, I'm just kidding.

HERMIONE:
Did you get my trial date yet?

HARRY:
-Listen, kid.

HERMIONE:
-I'm on top of your list, right?

KATEI BELL:
Go to hell!

HARRY:
What a hellion, huh? And social lite too. Her mother owns all the brooms
in Scotland.

HERMIONE:
What do I care about brooms?

HARRY:
All right... That's all for the questions. And l'll be happy to get back to
you myself.

HERMIONE:
Harry...

GINNY:
How does it feel, kid? Pretty soon we couldn't find your name in the papers.

HERMIONE:
Mr. Potter? (Passes out)

HARRY:
Someone open the door immediately!

RITA SKEETER:
Oh, my god. Hermione! What is it?

HERMIONE:
Oh, no. Don't worry about me. I only hope the fall didn't hurt the baby.

MAMA MCGONAGALL
Baby?

GINNY:
Crap!

_____________________________________________________________
HARRY:
Well, doctor, is she or isn't she?

DOCTOR:
She is.

HARRY:
Would you swear that statement in court?

DOCTOR:

_________________________________________________________________

HARRY:
I've been waiting for you 10 minutes. Don't do that again.

HERMIONE:
This dress makes me look like a Woolworth lampshade. I am not wearing this.

HARRY:
You'll wear it because I tell you to wear it.

HERMIONE:
I'm not wearing this dress.

HARRY:
And when Vincent's on the stand, I want you to do knitting.

HERMIONE:
Knitting?

HARRY:
A baby garment.

HERMIONE:
I don't know how to knit!

HARRY:
Then learn.

HERMIONE:
That's no way to win the Wizengamot's sympathy.

HARRY:
You don't need advice anymore?

HERMIONE:
Look at here, Mr. Mouthpiece. It seems to me that I'm the one who's coming up
with the good ideas. I'm sick of everybody telling me what to do. And you treat
me like dirt. You treat me like some dumb, common criminal.

HARRY:
But you're some dumb, common criminal.

HERMIONE:
Well, it's better than be a greasy-mite lawyer.

HARRY:
Who is up to be saving your butt.

HERMIONE:
Who is up for all that he can steal!

HARRY:
Maybe you'd like to appeal at court without me.

HERMIONE:
Maybe I could. Have you read the morning papers? They love me.

HARRY:
There may be a lot more when you hang. You know why: Because it'll sell more
papers.

HERMIONE:
You're fired.

HARRY:
I quit.

HERMIONE:
Any lawyer in this town would die to have my case.

HARRY:
You're a phony celebrity. You're a flash. ln a couple of weeks, no one would
care about you. That's Hogsmeade.

FLEUR SCREAMD OFF CAMERA
No! Not guilty!

HERMIONE:
What happened?

GINNY:
lt's Fleur. She lost the last appeal.

HERMIONE:
So what does that mean?

GINNY:
What that means? Next week, she's going to...

_______________________________________________________________
RITA SKEETER:
This is Rita Skeeter, coming to you from the Azkaban Prison, where history
will be made today. Fleur Delacour will become the first woman in the country
of England to be executed. And so ladies and gentlemen...

LEE JORDAN
And now, ladies and gentlemen, for your pleasure and your entertainment, we
proudly present Fleur Delacour and her famous French Disappearing Act.

CROWD:
Bravo! Bravo! Bravo!

_________________________________________________________________
HERMIONE (talking about the dress)
You know, it's really not that bad.

HARRY:
You're clear with everything you read?

HERMIONE:
Yes. I've been up all night rehearsing.

HARRY:
What do you do when Longbottom comes after you?

HERMIONE:
I sit still and look straight ahead. Never look the Wizengamot.

HARRY:
And?

HERMIONE:
And l look modest.

HARRY:
And?

HERMIONE:
And...

HARRY:
And say nothing.

HERMIONE:
That's right.

HARRY:
That's the deal, right?

HERMIONE:
Right.

HARRY:
You ask me back, I do all the talking and stuff.

HERMIONE:
Absolutely, Harry. Whatever you say.

COURT CLERK:
Mr. Potter, the honors are here.

HARRY:
Thank you.
(To Hermione) You ready?

HERMIONE:

Yeah.
Harry...
I'm scared.

HARRY:
Don't be. I've been around a long time. Believe me, you've got nothing to worry
about. It's all a circus; a three-ring circus. The trial, the whole world...
is all a show business. Kid, you are going to be a star.

Give 'em the old razzle dazzle
Razzle dazzle 'em
Give 'em an act with lots of flash in it
And the reaction will be passionate
Give 'em the old hocus-pocus
Bread and feather 'em
How can they see with sequins in their eyes?
What if your hinges all are rusting?
What if, in fact, you're just disgusting ?
Razzle dazzle 'em
And they'll never catch wise!
Give 'em the old razzle dazzle
Razzle dazzle 'em
Give 'em a show that's so splendiferous
Row after row will grow vociferous
Give 'em the old flim flam flummox
Fool and fracture 'em
How can they hear the truth above the roar?
Roar, roar, roar.
Throw 'em a fake and a finagle
They'll never know you're just a bagel,
Razzle dazzle 'em
And they'll beg you for more!

HARRY:
I object!

THE MINISTER OF MAGIC:
Sustained.

NEVILLE LONGBOTTOM:
Your honor, l haven't even
asked the question yet.

Give 'em the old razzle dazzle
Razzle dazzle 'em
Back since the days of old Methuselah
Everyone loves the big bambooz-a-ler
Give 'em the old three ring circus
Stun and stagger 'em
When you're in trouble, go into your dance
Though you are stiffer than a girder
They let ya get away with a murder
Razzle dazzle 'em
And you've got a romance

HARRY:
Hello, Viktor.

VIKTOR:
Viktor? That's right, Mr. Potter.

HARRY:
Viktor, when did you file sue for divorce?

VIKTOR:
A month ago.

HARRY:
Was there any reason for filing at this particular time?

VIKTOR:
I'd say, the nevspapers said Herm-own-ninny was expecting a little stranger.

HARRY:
That's hardly a cause for divorce, isn't it?

VIKTOR:
A little too much of a stranger.

HARRY:
You mean you doubted the fraternity of the child.

VIKTOR:
Most sure.

HARRY:
Tell me something, Viktor. Did you share a bed with your wife?

VIKTOR:
Yes, sir, every night.

HARRY:
You expect the Wizengamot to believe that you slept next to this woman every night without ever exercising the rights of a husband?

VIKTOR:
I could if I vant to.

HARRY:
Oh, but you didn't.

VIKTOR:
No, l did.

HARRY:
Did what?

VIKTOR:
Vant to.

HARRY:
But you didn't.

VIKTOR:
Didn't vhat?

HARRY:
What you wanted.

VIKTOR:
Vait a minute, I'm getting confused here.

HARRY:
Hey, you tell me, Krum. Did you ever question Hermione herself? Did you even
bother to ask her if you were the father of the child?

VIKTOR:
No, sir.

HARRY:
No? What if you confirm that you were wrong, you'd be man enough in a minute. You would take her back if Hermione swore that you're the father of the child, which she does.

VIKTOR:
She does?

HARRY:
She does! No more questions! You can step down now. Well done, Vincent...

VIKTOR:
Herm-own-ninny, I'm so sorry.

HARRY:
Give 'em the old
Razzle dazzle
Razzle dazzle 'em
Show 'em the first rate sorcerer you are
Long as you keep 'em way off balance
How can they spot you got no talents?
Razzle dazzle 'em
Razzle dazzle 'em
Razzle dazzle 'em

RITA SKEETER:
This is the moment we've been waiting for. Hermione Krum finally takes the stand in her own defense.

HARRY:
And they'll make you a star!

_________________________________________________________________
THE MINISTER OF MAGIC:
Order! Order! Proceed, Mr. Potter.

HARRY:
Hermione, I have here a statement that you admitted having illicit relation
with deceased Ron Weasley. Is this statement true or false?

HERMIONE:
I'm afraid that's true.

HARRY:
You're an honest girl, Hermione. When did you first meet Ron Weasley?

HERMIONE:
When he sold Viktor and me our furniture.

HARRY:
In your personal relationship with him, tell the Wizengamot when that began.

HERMIONE:
When I permitted him to escort me home one night. I don't think I would've gone with him if Mr. Krum and me hadn't quarreled that very morning.

HARRY:
Quarreled?

HERMIONE:
Yes, sir.

HARRY:
Well, I supposed it's his fault.

HERMIONE:
Oh, no, sir. It was my fault. I supposed I just couldn't stop pestering him.

HARRY:
Pestering him? With what?

HERMIONE:
I didn't like him practicing those long hours with the team. I wanted him home
with me... to darn his socks and iron his shirts. I wanted a real home... and a child.

HARRY:
So you drifted into this illicit relationship because you were unhappy at home.

HERMIONE:
Yes, most unhappy.

HARRY:
Hermione Krum! The country has accused you the murder of Ron Weasley. Are you guilty or not?

HERMIONE:
I'm not guilty... I killed him, I did. But I'm not a criminal. l'm not a
criminal...

HARRY:
Hermione... Did you recall the night of June 14th? Could you tell the Wizengamot in your own words the happenings of that night?

HERMIONE:
When Ron came over, I told him the good news.

HARRY:
What was it?

HERMIONE:
That me and Viktor are going to have a baby. And it was all over between us.

HARRY:
What happened then?

HERMIONE:
Then...

HARRY:
Did he threaten you, Hermione?

NEVILLE LONGBOTTOM:
Objection, your honor. Counsel is leading the witness.

THE MINISTER OF MAGIC:
Sustained.

HARRY:
What did Weasley say when you told him the news?

HERMIONE:
'I'll kill you before I see you have another man's child!'

HARRY:
Could you tell the audience... the Wizengamot, what happened next?

HERMIONE:
In his passion, he tore off my robe and he threw me on the bed. And Mr. Krum's
wand was lying there between us.

HARRY:
And then!

HERMIONE:
And then we both reached for the wand and I got it first. And then he came
towards me with this awful look in his eyes. He was angry and wild!

HARRY:
Wild! And did you think that he might kill you?

HERMIONE:
Oh, yes, sir!

HARRY:
So was his life or yours?

HERMIONE:
And I chose mine. I closed my eyes and I fired!

HARRY:
To defend for your life!

HERMIONE:
And to save my husband's innocent unborn child. (Pass out)

THE MINISTER OF MAGIC:
Order!

HERMIONE:
What a bull's eye, huh?

THE MINISTER OF MAGIC:
Order in this court!

VIKTOR:
Herm-own-ninny!

RITA SKEETER:
Here in the courtroom... Mrs. Krum's behavior (camera changes to prison)
has been truly extraordinary. Opening her eyes, she fans herself with her
attorney's handkerchief.

GINNY:
Handkerchief?

RITA SKEETER:
Poor child has no relief. She looks around now, seeming to want something.
It's a glass of water.

GINNY:
Oh, Mama, that was my bid! I told Harry, I wanted to do that at my trial!

RITA SKEETER:
But now her eyes flatter wildly and she... Mrs. Krum has fainted again.
She flumps over, her chiffon dress up around her knees, revealing a glimpse of
blue garder with Ryan-stone buckle.

GINNY:
Oh, Mama, she stole my garder. She stole my garder!

MAMA MCGONAGALL
Don't break my radio!

GINNY:
First she steals my publicity, then she steals my lawyer, my trial date,
now she stole my garder.

MAMA MCGONAGALL
What do you expect? I mean these days you get a little success and it's good
rinse for the people who put you here.

GINNY:
There's no justice in the world. That's nothing you can do about it.

MAMA MCGONAGALL
You think they got you a page just to listen to my radio? People and publicity
only interested in things when we think no one's looking. (shows Hermione's diary)

GINNY:
Oh, Mama.

COURT CLERK:
State call for the witness. Left down on bible, raise your right hand and swear
tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, help you God!

GINNY:
And then some!

COURT CLERK
Have a seat.

NEVILLE LONGBOTTOM:
Would you state your name for the record please.

GINNY:
Ginny Weasley.

NEVILLE LONGBOTTOM:
Miss Weasley, would you please tell the court the object l'm holding is the one
you have come upon in the defendant jail cell

GINNY:
Yes, it is.

NEVILLE LONGBOTTOM:
I submit this as appendix. Hermione Krum's diary.

HARRY:
I object! My client never kept a diary. Even if she did, this would be
invasion of privacy and violation of fourth amendment and illegal search
without a warrant.

HERMIONE:
Yeah, and she broke the ward.

THE MINISTER OF MAGIC:
Order! Well, that settles that. I'll allow it.

HERMIONE:
What's the big deal? She's the one that did it.

THE MINISTER OF MAGIC:
If you would read for us, Miss Weasley.

GINNY:
I haven't worked in a while. "What a laugh, killing Ron Weasley. The big
baboon had it coming. I'm just sorry I only got to kill him once."

HERMIONE:
I never wrote that. You... Hey, she made that up. She made that up!

THE MINISTER:
Order! Please, Mr. Potter, get control of your client.

HARRY:
I'm sorry, you honor. It won't happen again. Sit down and shut up.
Or else it's going to get worse.

NEVILLE LONGBOTTOM:
I have no more questions.

THE MINISTER OF MAGIC:
Your witness, Mr. Potter.

LEE JORDAN
Ladies and gentlemen, a tap dance.

HARRY:
Tell me, Miss Weasley, you made a deal with Mr. Longbottom maybe to drop all
charges against you if you testify here today?

GINNY:
Oh, sure. I'm not a complete idiot.

HARRY:
Good. Since you gave such an impressive performance for Mr. Longbottom, can you do me the same honour?

GINNY:
I'd be delighted.

HARRY:
Thank you.

GINNY:
"Ron Weasley assured me to get me an audition down at the Owl. And then he
reneged on his pledge and that's my motive for attack."

HARRY:
Pretty fancy. What you're saying is if a big fat liar who rogued on a deal so I'd
kill him.

"Viktor accused me of having an affair. So I told him that the charge was
erroneous."

NEVILLE LONGBOTTOM:
Objection, your honor. Mr. Potter is twisting the evidence to draw conclusion
to the specious and the...

HARRY:
Erroneous?

NEVILLE LONGBOTTOM:
Exactly.

THE MINISTER OF MAGIC:
Order! Order!

HARRY:
Miss Weasley, did you know the meaning of the word perjury?

GINNY:
Yes, l do.

HARRY:
You also know that is a crime?

GINNY:
Yes.

HARRY:
And for example if it turns out you knew this diary was a fake, I hate to think
you rotting away in prison for the next 10 years especially when you just win
your freedom.

GINNY:
All I know is what I was told.

HARRY:
So... you didn't find this diary in Hermione's cell?

GINNY:
No. Mama... Miss McGonagall gave it to me. She said someone sent it to her.

HARRY:
Someone? Any idea who this mysterious benefactor might be?

GINNY:
No. She didn't know.

HARRY:
All right, let's work this out; someone who writes about reneging on pledges.
And... erroneous charges... Call me crazy, does that sound like a lawyer to
you? A lawyer, who honestly has a sample of my client's handwriting.
Mr.Longbottom, didn't you have Hermione write out a confession to you?

NEVILLE LONGBOTTOM:
Yes, but you're not suggesting that I tempered with evidence, are you?

HARRY:
No, let's not be ridiculous. That's absurd... unless you mention it.

NEVILLE LONGBOTTOM:
Your honor, this is outrageous.

HARRY:
Outrageous? Yes. The prosecutor would make a thief bargain with Ginny Weasley. And then fabricated the very evidence and set her free!

NEVILLE LONGBOTTOM:
Your honour-

THE MINISTER OF MAGIC:
Mr. Potter, hold your contempt.

HARRY:
No, it's not even conceivable. But does it work? Would it be time to say,
Come clean, Mr. Longbottom, come clean... This guy is a corruption I cannot stand.

THE MINISTER OF MAGIC:
That's enough, Mr. Potter!

HARRY:
I agree, your honor. That's enough!
I defend stress.

RITA SKEETER:
Ladies and gentlemen, this is
Rita Skeeter reporting live from the Azkaban
Prison Courthouse. The city of Hogsmeade has come to a complete stand still.
As the trial of the century finally draws to a close, Mrs. Krum sits quietly at the
defense table, hands folded. What has fate installed for her? There's hassles
over the courtroom as the men of the Wizengamot have back slowly to their seats.

THE MINISTER OF MAGIC:
Gentlemen of the Wizengamot, have you reached a verdict?

THE WIZENGAMOT:
We have, your honour.

RITA SKEETER:
The wizengamot has reached a verdict.

THE MINISTER OF MAGIC:
The defendant please rise. What is your verdict?

THE WIZENGAMOT
We, the jury, find the defendant...

BOY
Hermione Krum is innocent! She's innocent! Hermione Krum is free! (shot wand)

REPORTER:
Come on! Move it! She shoots her husband and she crossed the lawyer!

HERMIONE:
Hey, don't you want to take my picture? Hey, I'm the famous Hermione Krum.
Hey, what happened? What the hell happened?

HARRY:
It's Hogsmeade, kid. You can't beat fresh blood on the walls.

HERMIONE:
What about my publicity, Harry? My name on the papers. I was counting on that.

HARRY:
Your attitude is not the one I get. I just saved your soul.

HERMIONE:
You got 5,000 Galleons. What do I get? I get nothing.

HARRY:
Five? Actually it's ten once I collect from Ginny. I get nothing? Don't forget
your diary. It could be on mine. I had a few erroneous phrases in there. Sorry,
I couldn't tell you. Take a chance. Never lost a case. You're a free woman,
Hermione Krum. And God save England.

VIKTOR:
Hermy-own-ninny.

HERMIONE:
What do you want?

VIKTOR:
I vant you to come home. You said you still vanted to... and the baby...

HERMIONE:
Baby, what baby? What do you take me for? There isn't a baby.

VIKTOR:
There isn't a baby?

HERMIONE:
They didn't even want my picture. I just can't understand that. What didn't
they even want my picture?

___-________________________________________________

It's good,
Isn't it, grand?
Isn't it, great?
Isn't it, swell?
Isn't it, fun?
Isn't it?
Nowadays

LEE JORDAN
Ladies and gentlemen,
Miss Hermione Krum says Good Night.

HERMIONE:
There's men,
Everywhere jazz,
Everywhere booze,
Everywhere life,
Everywhere joy,
Everywhere
Nowadays
You can like the life you're living
You can live the life you like
You can even marry Harry
But mess around with Ike
And that's
Good,
Isn't it, grand?
Isn't it, great?
Isn't it, swell?
Isn't it, fun?
Isn't it...
But nothing
stays

_______________________________________________
You can like the life you're living
You can live the life you like

FRED WEASLEY
Didn't she kill a guy a while back?

GEORGE WEASLEY:
Yeah, who can keep it straight anymore?

HERMIONE:
But mess around with Ike
And that's
Good,
Isn't it, grand?
Isn't it, great?
Isn't it, swell?

FRED:
That's great. We'll keep in touch.

HERMIONE:
You know I'm not quite finished yet.
I have a...
Wait, don't go.
I could... just a second...
damn it!
Thank you!

LEE JORDAN
Here's your music, honey.

HERMIONE:
Thanks.

GINNY:
You know you're really pretty good.

HERMIONE:
Yeah. What are you doing here?

GINNY:
I've been making around.

HERMIONE:
Well, if not fooled up by you, I'll be swinging right now.

GINNY:
Come on, I was there to get you off. You should learn how to put things behind
you.

HERMIONE:
Thank you. I'll put that at the top of my list right after finding a job and an
flat with a loo.

GINNY:
Can you shut up and listen to me?

HERMIONE:
You really are something. Coming in here like some queen bee, full of
advice for a poor slop like me. Let me tell you something, Miss Ginny Weasley.
I got a new life now. And one of the best thing about it, is it don't include
you.

GINNY:
Fine. I just thought we could help each other out.

HERMIONE:
Wait, you thought wrong, didn't you?

GINNY:
Listen to me. I talked to this guy downtown. He says one chance hurts
nothing these days, but two... We can make a couple hundred a week. Think about it, Hermione. Faces back on the papers and names in the market. Ginny Weasley and Hermione Krum.

HERMIONE:
Should it be alphabetical?

GINNY:
That could work.

HERMIONE:
A couple hundred? Maybe we can ask for a thousand. We're worth it. Forget it,
it'll never work.

GINNY:
Why not?

HERMIONE:
'Cause I hate you.

GINNY:
There's only one business in the world where that's no problem at all.

_____________________________________________________________

LEE JORDAN
Ladies and gentlemen, the Hogsmeade Theatre is proud to announce a first.
The first time anywhere that's been an act of this nature. Not only one
little lady, but two. You've read about them in the papers, and now here they are. Hogsmeade's zone killer-dealers, the lady-sinners, Hermione Krum and Ginny Weasley!

HERMIONE KRUM AND GINNY WEASLEY
You can like the life you're living
You can live the life you like
You can even marry Harry
But mess around with Ike
And that's good?
Isn't it, grand?
Isn't it, great?
Isn't it, swell?
Isn't it, fun?
isn't it?
But nothing stays
In fifty years or so
It's going to change, you know
But, oh, it's heaven
Nowadays

LEE JORDAN
Okay, you babes of Jazz, let's kick up the bass. Let's make the party longer,
let's make the skirts shorter. Let's all go to the heaven that makes all the
people hot!

GINNY:
Me and Hermione would just like to say thank you.

HERMIONE:
Thank you!
Believe us, we could've never done anything without you!

And all
That
Jazz!
That Jazz!