Haunted Life

I miss you, Padfoot. It's impossible to comprehend how this damnable world keeps turning. Now that it has been raped of someone who made it so much more bearable. Why did it have to be you, Sirius? You, who loved life so much, with such profundity. Everytime I think of it, shame engulfs me.

Yet I must not be selfish. It would be wrong to hoard all the guilt from others... but maybe just this once, I'll think of myself. Yes. I should have been there for you, to catch you. But no. I wasn't there. I let you fall, just like I let James and Lily fall. Even in some subtle way I let Peter fall. I should have been a better friend. Maybe then Peter would have had a shoulder to lean on after we graduated instead of turning to the Dark Lord.

I don't understand how I manage to make so many wrong choices. It was wrong to let you come to protect Harry. I should have made sure you didn't go. But, what does it matter now? I know I'm not strong enough to pull myself out of this misery.

I truly am a cursed man.

Everyone I've ever loved has been torn from me. Why did you leave me, Sirius? I want to be with you. I want to join you and Lily and James. God, I wish all of us could be together one last time. Marauders forever...

Not anymore.

It all comes down to one man. No, one boy. One angry youth who took his anger and molded it into the very face of evil. Voldemort is the reason for all of these broken spirits, broken families, broken lives. He relishes the suffering that he unleashes upon the world... He took you from me.

Yet, you haven't really left me, have you. Not your spirit. I see you all the time, Sirius. Your face is everywhere. Every time I close my eyes, you haunt me. Your black eyes wide in disbelief, lips formed forever in laughter. God, Sirius. Why do you insist on tormenting me like you do? I'm lost in this cold darkness and there is no light at the end of the tunnel.

All that they've taught us to believe in has been contradicted in every way possible. The heroes don't always finish first. Good doesn't always conquer evil. God doesn't always prevail. If he did then you'd still be with me. Everyone who has ever taught us lessons of this constantly changing life were liars.

I want it all to end. No more worried glances cast my way, reeking of pity. I wouldn't ever have to see the sun rise and fall without my friends by my side. Your absence hurts so much. Sirius, help me! Please. No matter how hard my mind tries to force it, my heart won't stop beating. Life keeps flowing through me. Even when each breath I take is filled with so much pain, my soul refuses to give up.

Give me the courage to do what I must. Because I know now, that just like my broken, battered heart, I have to keep fighting. The tears will dry upon my cheeks, the wounds on my heart will heal. And sooner or later I know I will see the light at the end of a tunnel, because you of all people, believed that every tale has a happy ending... and I cannot end life without finding mine.