Intended

[twenty seven]

The train back to London seems to go too fast for Sirius's liking. He stands at the door to the carriage as people pass, looking out and wishing that he could stay at Hogwarts over the summer. He has reluctant memories of the year before that he is not eager to experience again; he has had dreams that have robbed him of sleep in the last three nights.

He rubs his eyes as he takes a last glance back into the carriage and sighs. It is not particularly comfortable; the seats are well worn and the floor is covered in dusty footprints, but it seems much more inviting than the cold, looming walls of 12 Grimmauld Place. The compartment rings with echoes of happy laughter and of the warmth of his friends as they gather their things and he is tempted to march back in, to put his trunk down and curl up on one of the seats and stay there.

But these are things that he knows he cannot do.

He looks for Regulus as he steps out of the train and onto the platform, trying his best to search for the boy in the throng of students. It is not that he is worried about his brother getting lost... no, he is simply wondering if his parents will come today to welcome their younger son back, or if they have sent the house-elf for the both of them. But of course... Regulus is the favored one now, and they must come for him.

Even as he thinks this he is aware of the figures that stand by themselves at the end of the platform, looking at the rest of the crowd with disdain. They look exactly as they had a year ago, when they had come to see Regulus off for his first year... they look the same as they always have, his parents, aloof and waiting.

For a second, he thinks he is dreaming. He isn't sure what to think. They wouldn't come for... him... would they? He blinks. They do not disappear... in fact, he is sure that they are waving to someone on the train... maybe they are waving to him! He jumps off the train, pushing his way through the throngs of people, running as fast as he can with his trunk banging away behind him. He feels a sudden happiness, a sudden hope rising that all has been forgiven, something he has thought of for months now...

But it all ends too soon. He is too late; his hopes are dashed as soon as he reaches the spot where his parents had stood a few minutes before, only to see their retreating backs as they disappear with Regulus through the barrier.

*

[twenty eight]

The house is empty for a week and Sirius is thankful; the lack of people gives him a good run of the place. He can almost pretend that he has a normal life, if it weren't for the half-mad mutterings of the house elves and most of the portraits that threaten him whenever they can. The old hidden corridor is open now, but the portrait of that other Sirius Black is gone; it is too late for him to ask for the advice he so desperately needs.

The morning they come back is the morning he thinks longingly about Hogwarts. He shuts himself up before he can be told to do so for he has no wish to talk with the rest of his family now. Only Andromeda seeks him out on her visits here, visits for which he is thankful; it is as if only Andromeda knows he even exists. She listens quietly as he talks, sitting at one end of his bed; he stands by the window and frames her in his mind, simply glad that she is there. But their carefree banter of before does not come easily now. He finds himself searching for the words, nervous, his words stilted as he watches her face closely. He knows that things have changed between them; he is older, wiser; she is quiet, jaded, terribly emotional. He tries not to upset her but once in a while, she still cries, alarming him.

'It's not you, Sirius,' she says again and again, 'it's not you. It's me.' They sit beside one another, hands not quite clasped, rings resting against the other's skin. He doesn't really understand why she will not let him close, why she is so guarded, but he does not say anything about it. Instead, he talks of his friends and pranks and silly little boy-things, knowing that she will fuss and scold and fret; he jokes and pretends that he does not care about anything in the world because it makes her smile.

Only when she has gone and he is left watching at the window does he stop pretending; he sulks in his room, alone and desperate once more.

It makes no difference that he barely sees anyone; he has no words for the rest of his family, and he knows that if they had anything to say to him, it would not be worth hearing. He goes back to his habits of roaming the house at night when he is sure no one will be awake, rediscovering his own home in the dim moonlight that sometimes accompanies him. Without anything to do, he counts off the days till his return to school with impatience, wearing himself thin with alternating fits of anger and depression.

One night, Regulus comes looking for him. He is waiting on the stairs when Sirius sneaks out of his room, glancing about nervously as if to make sure no one else is there.

For his part, Sirius is astonished that Regulus would even try to talk to him. He has heard his mother telling Regulus to avoid him, to forget him, and sudden appearance of his brother in front of him throws him off guard. He swallows heavily and glances about; no one else is there. For a second, their eyes meet; for a second, Sirius thinks he sees something akin to sorrow or pity flaring up in his brother's eyes. And fear.

'Sirius, I...'

He cannot say anything, but Sirius understands. He has never appreciated how everything that their family has done has affected Regulus; he has never thought about what his own actions might have done. He reaches out a hand, brushing Regulus's shoulder in a gesture he hopes is understood.

Regulus begins to stretch out his own hand, but midway, he stops. He lets it hover oddly for a moment, and Sirius can see the confusion in his eyes. He simply stands, waiting; when Regulus drops his hand and backs away, he tries not to feel disappointed or to hold it against him. He knows that even this must have been a big thing for Regulus, to simply approach him...

Even if he was unable to do anything else.

*