Rating:
PG-13
House:
The Dark Arts
Characters:
Remus Lupin Sirius Black
Genres:
Angst Slash
Era:
Multiple Eras
Spoilers:
Prizoner of Azkaban Goblet of Fire
Stats:
Published: 08/22/2003
Updated: 08/22/2003
Words: 9,262
Chapters: 1
Hits: 704

Life Among the Dead

Kihin Ranno

Story Summary:
Not all of our greatest fears haunt us in the presence of the Dementor...

Posted:
08/22/2003
Hits:
704
Author's Note:
I decided I wanted to a song fic to an Evanescence song some time ago, but I wasn't sure which song to use. I was however sure that I would not use "Bring Me to Life" because of how much attention it was getting. When overly popular songs have fics written to them, I tend to roll my eyes and not even give it a chance. Otherwise it seems that the person isn't really a fan of the music, they're just following the current trend. So I looked to the others and tried to find something really good, but all in vain.


How can you see into my eyes

Like open doors?

Leading you down into my core

Where I've become so numb

He was standing in the middle of a sea of nothingness. He could not even say that he was surrounded by the dark, or the color black, or mist and fog; the normal things one associates when standing somewhere in which there was nothing. But no, Sirius could not even describe what lay around him now. None of the aforementioned things was there. Nothing was there. It was something that lacked so much in everything and anything that he could not even put a name to it.

Save one.

Sirius tried to look around and see if there were anything there, but he was only confronted with more indefinable nonentity. He squinted his eyes to see if he could make out anything, give something a name, but he could not. He felt a lump form in his throat, but he did not fight it down, swallow it, or even acknowledge it's presence. He just let it remain there, too tired to remove it and too like his surroundings to care.

Finally, he resigned himself to the fact that he was in an unknown location... Possibly even in a place that didn't truly exist. If that even made sense. After all, how could one be in a place that wasn't real? How could a person live in an entirely fabricated world of illusion? The only way a person could be there is if the person in question had never been real to begin with.

That was an interesting theory... Could a life be created in such great detail that it brought them into existence? That it made them real? There was a Greek legend about a sculptor by the name of Pygmalion. He had an unexplained contempt for women because of their imperfections. So deep was his hatred, that he sought to fix his problem by creating to perfect women out of ivory. As expected, Pygmalion's hate for women dissolved upon completion, or at least enough for him to love Galatea, the name he had given his precious statue. The Goddess of Love, Aphrodite, took notice of this and breathed into the statue, giving it life through Pygmalion's kiss. And then she existed when she hadn't before.

So could it be possible to create something and give it life? And if it were not human, not really anyway, how would it die? Would it cease to exist when it's creator did? And were they cast off into a world of nothingness that was somehow unreal, for they themselves weren't real either?

Sirius was surprised he wasn't getting a headache. Greek myths had never been his favorite subject.

The dark haired man sighed, running a hand through said locks, resigning himself to the fact that he was stuck here for at least a little while. He wanted to sit down, but he wasn't entirely sure if there was a floor. Of course, then it would have been impossible for him to stand, but he wasn't sure if he was standing either. He could not be sure of anything in this void.

He paused now, not that he had been doing anything he could take a break from but still, and narrowed his pale eyes in retrospection. Where had he been last anyway? He had just flown Buckbeak from Arabella Figg's... He had been flying when he had been unable to go on. He had collapsed on Buckbeak and the hippogriff had begun to descend. Sirius had felt that before allowing sleep to take hold of him completely. The last thing he remembered was a voice... A kind voice... A voice that called him a name other than the one his mother gave him...

Padfoot.

Sirius blinked once, twice, three times as the information registered in his brain. Only one person called him that now. The other two were gone as one was dead and the other was dead to him though he still breathed and walked the earth, soiling even the dirtiest ground with his touch. And only one person was that kind. Only one person would not have run away screaming at the sight of a convicted murderer. Only one person could lift him off of a screaming Buckbeak and hold him completely uninhibited. Only one person would carry him back to his home without a second thought. Only one person loved him enough to do all that and call him by his childhood name.

Remus J. Lupin. Moony.

Sirius began running forward, at least he thought he was. His feet were moving and he knew he should be getting him somewhere, but they didn't seem to touch the ground. And he didn't seem to be moving, but it was hard to tell in the vast chasm or whatever it was. Sirius took a deep breath and spoke, his voice hoarse and dry for some reason. He had forgotten about the lump that still hung heavily in his throat. "Moony!" He called out with some sort of indefinable emotion. He could not label it any more than he could give his location a name.

"Remus!" He cried, looking around for the thin man who looked older than he was with the eyes of an animal but the heart of something far superior to a man. He searched for a flash of grey and brown that was his friend's hair that threatened to fall past his shoulders one of these days. He listened for the quiet laugh that was never full, for the man always had a sadness hanging over him as the moon was always hanging over him. He even craned his ears for a howl, if it was that time.

But he heard as much as he saw. Nothing.

If Remus was around, he wasn't answering him. Though Sirius thought this must mean that Remus was not there. The man would never ignore him. Especially since the last time they had seen each other was the bittersweet reunion in the Shrieking Shack and the subsequent adventures that followed. He knew that his old friend missed him. They were all each other had any more. The last remnants of the once great Marauders.

But why would he not be there? Wherever this place was, surely Remus must be here too. He had brought him somewhere... Though why the man would bring him here to this land that did not exist in reality was a mystery to the Animagus. He wondered where Remus was if not here. He also wistfully wondered how he had escaped.

Sirius frowned suddenly, his old Auror instincts suddenly deciding to break through the haze of his mind. He tensed as he now pondered if Remus had brought him here... His confidant had been carrying him, probably haphazardly as Sirius was a few inches taller than the former Professor to say the very least. Buckbeak was making enough noise to raise the dead. Perhaps Sirius had been followed... Perhaps he and Remus had been taken. Perhaps the Death Eaters had thrown them into this nothing world.

Perhaps the reason why Remus didn't answer was because he couldn't answer.

Sirius paled, though no one was able to see how white he was. If they had, they probably would have thought that he had suddenly died and had miraculously managed to remain upright. The blood suddenly rushed down to his legs and he was running again, but not getting anywhere. He was also screaming again, but it seemed that no one heard him.

"Remus!" Sirius called frantically, the lump in his throat now shriveling up due to his panic. He pumped his legs harder, but felt that it was now making the situation worse. He sensed that he was moving backwards, the opposite of what he wished to do. He growled in a voice that sounded very much like something other than a human and much more canine and ground his teeth. He continued screaming for his friend, using every name that he had ever been referred to by in his life... Save the hateful ones.

After what seemed like an eternity of running forwards yet moving in the wrong direction in the empty space, Sirius squinted his face up and shouted at the top of his voice, shattering his vocal cords which were already burning. "Damn it Moony, answer me!"

And just then, he felt it. He felt ground beneath him as it came up under him without so much as a sound. Sirius was taken off guard and pitched forward. He grunted with the impact, shutting his eyes. And before he opened them again, he knew that something more had changed. He knew he would see something in front of him, though he had no idea what...

Yet he knew that he wasn't too keen on looking.

Even so, Sirius Black was many things, including impulsive, reckless, and proud. He was a Gryffindor, the house of the brave. He would not show fear in any situation. He could not, by his own personal code of honor, keep his eyes shut. So he opened them... And quickly wished that he had been sorted into Hufflepuff so he could be afraid without reservation.

Sirius found himself staring into a pair of eyes... One was sold black and the other entirely white. The man somehow new that those eyes were locked with his own, though it was hard to tell given the appearance of them. He felt like there was something deeply wise and magical in those eyes despite how blanked they looked. And he knew that they weren't just looking at him... They were looking into him. They were looking into his eyes and somehow seeing down to his very soul. They saw both the light and the dark in him, and they took it in stride, quickly moving on to the next thing. Sirius knew he should have found it unsettling to have someone look into him like this and see all of what made Sirius Black what he was... But he wasn't. He wondered how, as any man would have done, and he was by no means comfortable with having all of him exposed to this person. But he did not feel fear from this aspect of the situation.

He slowly began to study the person's other features, trying to ignore the feeling that he was lying naked in the cold snow... A young face, covered in lines from stress and worry, as if he had to deal with too much at a young age and had paid the price for it. His hair was brown but not without grey streaks, also from either too much stress or too much fear. Fear of what, Sirius did not know, but somehow he felt it was the latter. The man, for it was a man, had a small build and looked as though a stiff wind could have easily knocked him over. Yet Sirius also knew that this man possessed a strength to be reckoned with and his frail appearance made him that much more dangerous to foes. He was dressed in white, tattered robes, with tears in the fabric...

And then Sirius realized that this was no man.

He bared his teeth to the Azkaban escapee and the darker man saw that they were lengthened and sharp. They were made to tear into flesh, rip away muscle, and crush bone as if it was plaster. And they did not gleam by any means... They were dirty, and had a reddish tinge. His ears were larger than most, and pointed at the ends. His nails were also made to do no less than moderate damage to the human person, and they did not seem the natural color for a human. But the biggest clue to what he was, or rather what he was not, was the wings protruding his back. One was perfect, gleaming white and unfurled. This was on the same side as the black eye. The other was severely damaged and crippled. It was caked in dry blood and was losing more feathers each time he so much as twitched.

And then Sirius realized that this was no stranger.

"Moony..."

Without my soul

My spirit sleeping somewhere cold

Until you find it there

And lead it back home

Remus stared down at him, never once breaking eye contact. However, when he heard Sirius say his name, the name that he himself had given him in his Second Year when he had learned of Remus' true nature, he blinked. And with that simple movement, Sirius felt him retreat out of his soul. He could no longer see all of what he was.

But he still knew. Nothing could change that.

The man yet not a man did not develop any type of expression. He stood over Sirius, looming over him as never before. He did not drop the man's gaze and he made no move to help him up. And now Sirius doubted he would have wanted his help.

"Moony..." Sirius repeated softly, "What... What's going on? What happened to you?"

Remus' expression did not change. And what's more is his mouth did not move. Yet Sirius heard his voice as plain as if he had done so.

/You./

Sirius balked, backing up a little but making no move to get up off of the ground. He stared up at his friend, trying desperately to look away from his eyes. His eyes were now so deeply frightening when they had once been warm and gentle. Eyes that had once been so beautiful that were now far too sinister looking to be appealing to anyone but a Death Eater. Sirius' own pale eyes were wide as he fought to rip his gaze away to no avail. "What do you mean?"

/You did this to me./ Remus responded, still not moving his lips.

Sirius tensed, his entire body going absolutely rigid. If he had paled severely before, his face was even whiter now. His mouth hung open in shock, though it made several tiny movements to show that Sirius was attempting to speak, but that fight was going down along with the one to look away.

He had done this? He had done this to his best friend? No. No he couldn't have possibly done this. How would he have gone about it? He had no knowledge of whatever magic had done this to him... He had never before heard of such a thing happening before. Never in all of his life had he seen anything like this. It was an entirely unprecedented sight... But that wasn't even the point! He would never, ever have done anything like this to Remus. He would smack him upside the head if he got too annoying. He would playfully tackle him if his teasing had reached the point where it was permissible. But it was all in jest...

Most of the things Sirius did were out of love for a man who was like a brother to him in all but blood. He would comfort him the morning after the full moon. He would be there for him during the transformation where his bones were broken and reformed in an agonizing process Sirius knew he never would have been able to handle. He listened when Remus told him of his childhood, which had never been happy or pleasant until Hogwarts. He reminisced about the old days and all the pranks they had pulled together. He even held the man when his strength failed him and he had to sob at the cruelty of the world and the unfairness of fate. Or he had done this when he had been able to. Before his own life was torn away from him, he had done all of these things without question. And he would do them again if he were given the chance.

He could never hurt Remus. Not even if he tried.

"But..." Sirius croaked, slowly started to regain the ability of human communication. "I would never... Moony..."

/You did this to me./ Remus repeated.

"No." Sirius insisted, shaking his head desperately. "No. I didn't."

/You did this to me./

"Stop saying that!" Sirius snapped, realizing he was sounding a little off his head. "I could never hurt you. Never!"

/This does hurt./ Remus said without speaking. /And you did it to me./

"Remus!" Sirius shouted frantically. "No! You're like my brother. My best friend. You're all I have left... We're the last of the four! I would never do anything to hurt you! You've been hurt enough!"

/You hurt James and Lily./ Remus intoned, his voice sounding grave.

Sirius' white pallor suddenly turned red. He balled up his hands into fists as he felt his temper rising and his emotions flying out of control. If he had any more tears to cry, they would have been streaming down his cheeks at that very moment. But they had dried out after his first month in Azkaban, where he had done nothing but sob. After that, he had never cried again.

The man's frame shook with emotion as he ground out. "Shut up... Don't say that. Don't you ever say that."

/I speak nothing but the truth./ Remus said. /You hurt them. You killed them./

"Damn you!" Sirius shouted, pounding his fists on the ground beneath him, still situated on the ground. "I know that! I know that I murdered them! I'm as good as an accomplice to that rat! But don't you say that I hurt you too. Don't you ever say that! And don't tell me what I already know!"

/You must be told. You must be reminded. And you must be told of what you did to me./

"Nothing!" Sirius screamed in agony. "I didn't do anything to you!"

/Exactly./

"What?" Sirius breathed in exasperation. "You're talking in riddles."

/You hurt me by doing nothing./ Remus spoke, moving his good wing.

/You did nothing and so I am this way./

Sirius hung his head, gasping for air and trembling still. He dug his fingernails into his palms, leaving half moon indents in the skin. His knuckles were white Remus' left eye and an old, dirty cut on one of them reopened. "What way?"

/Dead./

Now that I know what I'm without

You can't just leave me

Breathe into me and make me real

Bring me to life

Sirius stopped shaking.

/Dead./

He stopped thinking.

/Dead./

He stopped moving.

/Dead./

He stopped feeling.

/Dead./

And for a moment, he even stopped breathing.

/Dead./

This wasn't happening. This couldn't possibly be happening. Remus wasn't dead. He couldn't die! He was practically immortal! Only silver could kill him. He could be harmed, he could feel pain, and he would eventually come to the end of his life... But he could only be killed with silver. And he was saying that Sirius had done him in just like James and Lily. But he couldn't have. Not without silver.

Remus wasn't dead. This was some kind of horrible joke he'd constructed. He had never had the best sense of humor in the world. Any minute now, he would take out the contacts and break into a smile, apologizing for his poor choice of a welcome and embrace him as they had in the Shrieking Shack.

Yes, that was it. This was all some kind of bad joke. All Sirius had to do was wait for the punch line.

He waited.

/This is real Sirius./

There was no punch line.

"No..." Sirius said softly. "No..." Maybe if he kept saying no, it would undo whatever had already been done. The power of the word was stronger than most people thought. It took words to bring forth the magic. Words could soothe and insight rage faster than any other force in nature. And in Muggle lore, God created the world with a few words. If he kept saying it wasn't true, maybe it would change it.

/Deny it all you like./ Remus said. /It will not change the truth. It does not alter history if you refuse to acknowledge it. It just makes you ignorant./

"No..." He repeated, refusing to give up on his theory.

/Yes./ Remus insisted. /I am dead, Sirius. I am dead and you killed me. Just like Lily and James./

"I couldn't hurt you..." Sirius said, saying the most truthful thing that he could fully believe. He could never hurt Remus. He'd sooner cut off his wand arm. He would rather do anything than hurt him or see him hurt. Anything.

/But you did. Without intent, but you need no intent to do harm./

"You're not dead." Sirius insisted.

/I am. The place we are in now is where the dead go when they die. This is no heaven that foolish idealists hope for nor is it hell that equally foolish cowards fear above all things. There is but one land where the dead dwell and this is it./ He gestured his hand to his right, his eyes still on Sirius.

/To the east there is an ocean of blood, filled with people that split blood when they died. Those that died in battle dwell there. Those that were murdered violently dwell there. Those that were killed accidentally dwell there. And in that sea of endless crimson they must swim for all time. They cannot come up for air. They cannot catch a glimpse of the blue sky above it. They cannot even see what else swims around them for the blood is too murky. They simply swim./

Blood... An ocean of blood. The place where warriors go. Sirius felt his heart beat painfully in his chest as he thought of all of the men and women he knew that swam in those depths or would some day. He had known so many that had died in battle. He had seen so many lost blood and die. And with the return of Voldemort, there would be more. Many more.

Too many.

/To the west is a forest filled with misery. In that place dwells people who lived lives of pain and sorrow. They ended them of their own accord in various ways... And all of those ways are available in those woods. Nooses hang from tree branches. Knives sprout up where flowers should be. And everything in there that is edible is poison that kills slowly and does not go quietly. They cannot escape for the trees are too dense. And one never hears a sound uttered from within it. No one wails or cries out for help... They are beyond help. And they do no want to be saved./

A forest of suicides... He had known Aurors that could not handle the life. it had been a bloody one, and one that required more strength than most men had. Many of them could not go on. Many of them gave up.

Sirius had always been too proud for that. He was glad of it.

/To the north,/ Remus continued, /there is a path. It does not stop. It does not begin. It does not lead anywhere. It simply goes on and on. On that road walk those that died of illness. Those that strived to get well and walk among the populous as healthy men but never made it. They walked down a never ending path in life, and so they will in death... They are not well. They are all weak for their illness was never cured. But they cannot rest. They cannot sit down or pause for breath. They must walk on in constant agony forever./

The path of most resistance is what those poor souls walked. Their deaths had not been their fault. Their illnesses had not been something that could have prevented, but still they suffered. The wicked walked alongside the righteous and endured the same cruel fate. There was no redemption here. There was no escape. There was no mercy, no forgiveness, no benevolence. There was only strife.

This place was worse than hell.

/The south is where the other members of the death parade reside. They are the ones who simply died. No real reason or explanation other than it was their time. There is nothing special about this land. They dwell in shadows, forever concealed from everyone. They are even concealed from themselves. For they did not die in any way of importance. There is no need for them to be sorted or have distinction. And when they go there, they remember nothing. They do not even know their own name./

This place was far worse than hell.

"My God..." Sirius breathed without thinking, all of this information being too much to bear. This world that he found himself in was more awful than anything he could have ever imagined. All the dead suffered no matter what they had done in life. No matter whom they had been or how good a person they were, it didn't matter. For they all suffered the same destiny. And some of them didn't even know there was anything but the torturous existence for they had no memory of what had been before. It was all so very unfair... And so awful.

/There is no God./ Remus said in a scornful tone, the most emotion he had shown since Sirius had arrived. /God is nothing more than a myth that the people created to overcome their fear of death. That was even more foolish. For death should be feared as death entails living here. It was meant to be feared, not regarded as the next great adventure./

Sirius flinched as Remus took Albus Dumbledore's words and used them to scorn. And he flinched more as he remembered where he was. As he remembered what his friend claimed.

He was dead. He was dead because of Sirius.

And suddenly it all hit him like a tidal wave of water from the Arctic. There was no Remus J. Lupin. There was no Moony. That person was gone forever. There would be no more moonlight transformations. There would be no bull sessions about the old days. There would be no more duels with one of them acting as the other's second. There would be no more playful fights and not so playful fights. There would be no more arguing. There would be no more making up. There would be no one to talk to. No one to look forward to seeing after so long. No one to think about first thing in the morning and last thing at night. No one to worry about every time the full moon rose. No one to go back to. There would be no one.

And it was all his fault.

Frozen inside

Without your touch

Without your love, darling

Only you are the life among the dead

/Do you understand?/

Sirius looked up at his friend, or what had been his friend, in anguish. He wanted to scream at him for saying these things. He wanted to pound the ground with his fists in frustration. He wanted to beg him for forgiveness and be granted salvation, though he knew now that there was no such place. He had been in the place where that dwelled before. The place that did not exist.

/You disappeared for so long. You never wrote. You never visited. You never made any attempt to contact me./

"I... I was on my way..." Sirius said feebly.

/You were too late. And you fell before you reached my home. You fell and thus you did not see me before my death. Perhaps if you had been there, things would have been different... But that is not the issue at hand./

Sirius felt his heart break again and again and the sound of his voice in his ears. It was so matter of fact, as it always was, but to hear it now and having it say such things was gut wrenching. He couldn't bear to hear it. He wanted to rip his ears off of his head just so he could be deaf. He didn't want to hear this... he couldn't bear to.

"No..."

/Denial does nothing. Do no even try it./

Sirius shook his head, his emotions coming to a boil. He looked up at Remus with a tormented expression marring his features. He shook his head insistently and said. "You can't be dead. You're not in those places. You're just standing before me! You're not dead!"

/I am of the fifth./ Remus said, not even so much as blinking at the emotion Sirius showed him. The old Remus would have blanched at the fury in his tone, but this one just stood there as if his old comrade had made some blasé comment about the weather.

"The fifth what?" Sirius hissed.

/I am a wizard who died in very special circumstances. I am one of those who wanders all of the lands looking like this. I died in such a way that if angels existed, I would have easily become one. But as angels to not exist, I became this./ He gestured to himself without flourish. That at least was true to character. /A half angel. This may just be what a fallen angel would look like. But I also have demon characteristics... You can see the wolf in me now as plain as day. But no one else can see it, the one happy thing this place has to offer. Those of the fifth cannot be seen, not even by others like me./

Sirius just stared at him for a while, unable to comprehend this. It was maddening. He had not heard of any of this in any kind of lore. All religions offered the possibility of a heaven and a hell. They had not offered him this. And here Remus stood, explaining this dark world to him like he was telling him the recipe for Devil's Food Cake. He couldn't accept this. He couldn't retain this. He couldn't let this be true.

"No." He said again, with more conviction than the last.

Remus ignored this. /Those of the fifth die with two words ringing in their ears for all time. Those of the fifth are haunted by it. They cannot escape the curse./

He couldn't let that be true.

"No!" He shouted, rising to his feet at last. He was still taller than Remus in this realm, though he felt dwarfed by him now as never before. His face was angry, denying all he had just heard. "You did not die like that. You didn't!"

/I did./

"I didn't curse you!"

/You didn't curse James and Lily either. But we're all here because of you./

"Stop saying that!"

/Why? Why should I stop telling you the truth?/

"It's a lie! You're not dead and I didn't kill you!"

/Yes. You did./

"No!"

/Stop saying that. It will do no good./

"I didn't kill you!"

/Do not lie to yourself. It only makes this harder on you./

"I reached you! I know I did! I heard your voice!"

/You imagined it. You wanted me to be there. But I was already dead. That wish brought you here so that you would know of your sins./

"If there is no God, then there are no sins!"

/You did wrong. To sin is to do wrong./

"I did no wrong! I did no wrong! Not to you! Never to you!" Sirius insisted, advancing on Remus. "Don't you understand? I would do anything for you. Were there a hell, I would burn there for you. I would slice off my arm if you lost your own. I would take in the wolf if it would spare you from the hell you've been living for so long. I would kill for you. I would die for you. I would even go back to Azkaban for you! And I would never let you become this! Damn it man, I love you!"

Remus blinked. The most reaction he had shown upon arrival.

Sirius did not blink. He merely stared, in shock at what he had just said. And in even more shock of the mere fact that it was true.

He couldn't believe he had been so blind. He couldn't believe his own stupidity that, if he had breathed to tell him so, Remus would have commended him on. It was so obvious it had been easy to ignore, easy to miss. But now Sirius knew it. Now he acknowledged it. Now he embraced it.

Sirius Black was nothing with Remus Lupin. There would be no Padfoot without Moony.

He couldn't live without him.

Wake me up inside

Call my name

And save me from the dark

Bid my blood to run

Before I come undone

Save me from the nothing I've become

Remus continued to look at him, his eyes of black and white locked with Sirius' own. His face was a blank and revealed nothing of his thoughts. The old Remus, the one Sirius knew far better than this one, did have a tendency to mask his emotions around others. And in his first year, he had hidden his pain from his three friends. But after that, he had never hidden anything from them. He had worn his heart on his sleeve with them because he trusted them above all else. One should not have been trusted, and the other had not taken notice of the change. But Sirius had seen it. Sirius had seen it and was eternally grateful. Over the years he had gotten to know Moony better than Prongs and Wormtail just by looking at his face. He saw how some comments stung more than others. He saw him watch couples walk by hand in hand wistfully, knowing he could never have that. He saw how he watched animals run away from them, his face screwed up in pain at just one more unfair thing that had been thrust upon him.

Sirius had always loved him. He had loved him like a brother that he needed to protect and shield from the world because he had already suffered so much at it's hands. It had always been noted that he and James had been closer, but that did not mean that Remus was the odd man out. They were all equally close, but the amount of times that James and Sirius conspired together often masked that truth. No one ever really knew that Remus was often the mastermind and the one that made sure that there was no chance that they would be caught. Not that it always worked, but he tried. They had all been a band of Marauders. Forever and for always.

But at some point that brotherly love must have changed, for those three words he had just spoken had not been said lightly. Sirius did not know when nor did he know why. Now was not the time to think about that.

He knew now that he could not continue living unless Remus was still there. He had to change this. He didn't know how, but he had to change this.

"You cannot be dead." Sirius insisted quietly. "I won't let you be dead."

Remus said nothing. He didn't even move. Maybe he hadn't had a chance to do so or maybe he didn't know how to respond. But suddenly, fog rolled in from no where, separating the two of them.

Sirius could not see so much as a few centimeters in front of him. He felt panicked, not knowing what had just happened but feeling that it could not be... right. He held out his hands in front of him, trying to find where Remus was but they held nothing by cold, wet air. His anxiousness grew. Remus was no longer in front of him. So where had he gone? Had something happened?

Sirius didn't know about that. All he knew was that he had to find him.

So for a second time he ran forward, but this time he felt as if he were getting somewhere. He felt himself moving forward, or to the left and right, or even back where he had once came if he so desired. He didn't know where he had gone, but Sirius had to find him. He couldn't let it end this way. He couldn't lose him again. Not now.

"Moony!" Sirius called out frantically, using the nickname of old without a thought. "Where are you? Moony!"

He didn't know where he was going.

"Moony!"

He didn't know what had happened to Remus.

"Damn it, answer me!"

He didn't know if he could change anything.

"You can't leave me like this!"

But he knew he had to try.

Suddenly he felt his knees run into something solid like stone. He cried out and pitched forward, his face landing in what felt like a mound of dirt. He didn't feel the pain, ignoring it or choosing not to let it manifest. He slowly began to pick himself up off of the ground. As he did so, he felt the clouds around him began to life and he could see again...

It was night. A full moon. Had it been night before? He couldn't remember... He hadn't been able to look at anything by Remus even then. He couldn't remember if it had been night. He couldn't even remember what had been there aside from Remus.

That didn't matter.

Still, this time Sirius took a look at his surroundings... And he felt his broken heart being ripped to shreds. A cold, indescribable fear quickly took hold of him. The trepidation was not only palpable, but it was like a living, breathing entity that had made it's way into the man's body. It could not be controlled, fought down, or ignored. It was far too strong for such things. So instead, Sirius stood up, looking out at the world around him, the weight of his terror threatening to knock him down again. He was not sure what he should do about it or what to do in spite of it. So he just stood there for a minute and stared...

He stared out at the graveyard before him.

There was not even a remnant of the fog around him that in movies always added to the cinematic mood. But this cemetery needed no add-ons to make it all the more frightening. There was nothing special about it, yet the fact that Sirius was in it was more than enough to unsettle him, and that word was quite inappropriate for what it did to him. There were no lightning flashes or thunder rumbling in the distance. There was no din of the crickets chirping or wind howling. There was not even the sound of Sirius' own breathing. There was nothing around him but silence. And that alone was deafening.

/wake me up/

Sirius tensed in shock, a shudder rippling through him. He knew that voice. He had not heard that voice speak like that in so long. It sounded real and full of emotion. It sounded frightened. It was pleading, desperate. He had not heard that voice speak like that since the time he had locked his best friend in a closet as a joke and he had begged him to let him go, saying it reminded him too much of the nightmares he had where he was in a cage. He had been crying. Sirius had let him out.

"Remus..." Sirius breathed, shooting to his feet without hesitation. He looked around frantically for Remus. Not the half angel, half devil, have werewolf, half man that he had seen before. He sought the real Remus; the one with a knowing smile, amber eyes, and tattered brown robes. He had heard his voice, not that other one's.

"Remus!" He shouted at the top of his voice, whipping his head about frantically for the speaker. The graveyard went on endlessly and there were no large statues or mausoleums to hide in or behind. And despite the fact that it was dark, the light of the full moon was kind to him for once and allowed him to see everything as clearly as if it had been daytime. He looked for a shadow. He looked for a movement. He looked for a flash of brown.

But he saw nothing. It seemed as if he only had the dead for company.

Sirius moved around to in front of the gravestone, for that was what it was that he had tripped over. He looked in front of him, still looking for the owner of that voice. He sounded as though he were in peril and needed help. Sirius had to find him. He had to. And though he strained his eyes, he could see nothing.

"Moony!"

/i can't wake up/

It came from behind him.

Sirius spun around, still seeking him out. But when he turned, he still saw the same row of headstones and nothing more. There was nothing else to see.

But he knew that he had heard the voice.

The man took a deep breath and tried to still his frantic heart. His reaction was not going to help matters. As a matter of fact, panicking only seemed to make it worse. He had to think about this. He had to be logical about what was going on even if this entire scenario seemed impossible. He couldn't let his emotions blind him and make this harder than it really was. If he was going to find Remus, he had to be calm and rational.

Wherever Remus was, he sounded far away. His voice had been quiet and distant. So perhaps it stood to reason that he was far away... But if Sirius couldn't see Remus, how could Remus see Sirius to call out to him? Then again, Sirius had been calling to him... But what he had said made no sense. The logical things like, "Sirius, I'm over here!" or "Help me!" or even "What the hell took you so long, you git?" were not uttered. It had been replaced with different words. Words that made no sense. Words that...

Sirius eyes widened as his eyes rested on the gravestones that surrounded him. And under those gravestones were the silent dead, his only company. But were those dead really so silent?

For Remus' words had been muffled. As if said from underground.

Sirius eyes locked onto the hunk of stone that he had tripped over. All thoughts of sagacity were dashed like dust on the wind as his pale eyes ran over the words on the rock. And before he could stop himself from doing so, a scream of absolute horror and sorrow erupted from his throat and his knees gave way. He was now face to face with words that he had always dreaded without knowing it.

___________________________

Remus J. Lupin

"Moony"

1960 - 1995

The Lone Wolf Is At Peace

___________________________

Who had written that? Who had decided that those awful, unfitting words would be what the living were supposed to remember him by? Remus had never been a lone wolf... Not after meeting Sirius and the rest. They had never let him be that way. And though James was dead and Peter was a traitor, he still had Sirius! And he knew that! He never would have wanted those words to be his epitaph!

And he was not at peace... The dead were never at peace.

/save me/

Sirius was jerked out of these thoughts by that awful voice again. He bent over the headstone, knowing now that the voice was coming from underground... Remus was trapped. Maybe he wasn't really dead. Maybe there had been some kind of horrible mistake. He was calling to him, crying out for help. He couldn't help himself, trapped in that coffin. Perhaps he was clawing out at the surface, bloodying his hands and ripping his nails out in desperation to get out. He might have been kicking his feet, struggling to break through the wooden prison. Maybe he was struggling for air, for there was only so much down there that he could use. And maybe he was remembering those awful nightmares about being caught by hunters and caged. Caged because he was something that he had never asked for and could not control. And caged unnecessarily because of how unlike he was from the monster within him. Just as Remus had told him when he was trapped in that closet.

Sirius had let him out once. And he would do it again.

"I'm coming, Moony." Sirius said softly as he moved forward, digging his hands into the lose dirt and pushing it out and away from the grave. "I won't let it end like this."

/trapped in the dark/

Sirius' heart constricted as he heard another voice, one much younger, saying those exact words in his mind. "I'm always trapped in the dark..." He had said. "I can't see anything, but I always know where I am. In a cage where the bars burn. I think maybe it's made of silver."

"I won't let it end like this!" Sirius repeated as he continued frantically digging. His adrenaline was zipping through his body, making him move a lot faster than he normally would have been able to. He began to send the dirt flying around him, creating two piles on either side of him. He was having distinct trouble filling his lungs with air, as if maybe he too only had a certain amount of oxygen to breathe. He gulped it down like water on a hot summer's die and kept digging. He briefly thought of changing into Padfoot, but that would have taken focus and concentration that he could not muster. And it would have taken time that he did not want to waste.

So he just continued digging.

For a man, he dug quite quickly. It was of course thanks to being a dog Animagus, and he was once again grateful for Fate's selection of his canine form. It had proved more than useful several times. Sirius knew that he was making progress. He wasn't sure how deep had dug now. He didn't want to look away and break his rhythm that was fueled by adrenaline and desperation.

Remus had used to write fiction as a kid. Sirius didn't know if he had continued the past time, but he did remember what the boy had used to tell him. Writing was not something you could force yourself to do. It took a hold of you. It told you when you would write, how you would write, and what you would write. And you couldn't stop once it did grip you in it's gentle fist. If you did stop, it would release you. You would break your flow and you would end up staring at a blank page for hours, willing it to come back.

So he couldn't stop.

/without a thought/

Or rather he wouldn't stop. He wasn't about to let Remus remain down there in this new manifestation of the nightmares that had recurred in his sleep during his childhood and young adulthood. Nightmares that may have continued now.

If Sirius could he would bear that man's nightmares as well as his own. He would deal with Remus's fear of himself and his fate as well as Sirius's terror of returning to Azkaban one day. Or worse, receiving the Kiss. He would even live the other man's pain to spare him. He was tired of watching the weak looking man suffer needlessly.

/without a voice/

He wanted to help him.

"I have to keep digging..."

He wanted to hear his voice without the dirt and would to impede it.

"I can't stop..."

He wanted to see him.

"I have to do this..."

He wanted to hold him.

"I can't let this happen."

His fingernails scraped against the grain of the wood.

/without a soul/

"Moony!"

Sirius pushed away the rest of the dirt from the casket, only just now realizing that he had dug himself into quite a hole. He didn't care. He just had to get Remus out of the coffin. He could worry about the other details later.

The dark haired man continued pushing the dirt out of the way, a man possessed. He ignored the splinters embedded into his fingers and once again did not take notice of any pain. He could see more and more of the wood, mahogany perhaps. He felt around for hinges or a way to open it. The entire casket was almost completely uncovered now and he couldn't find a way to get it open.

He had to get it open. It had been so long. Remus couldn't breathe in there. He was trapped. He was scared. He was dying.

Sirius couldn't let that happen.

/...don't let me die here.../

"I won't." Sirius hissed through clenched teeth and jaw. If he could not open it with hinges and handles, he would use nails and fists. He would break his way into that box before he left Remus in there to die a harrowing death. As he had said so many times before, he would not, could not let that happen.

So he did just as he promised himself and began to rip the wood apart with his hands. He still did not let himself feel any pain, though he saw his own blood spilling out and he felt the splinters, large and small, enter his callused hands. He strained his muscles again the stubborn encasement. He dug his nails into it and clawed, leaving deep marks. He pounded upon it and prayed that he didn't hurt the man inside.

He also prayed that the silence did not mean that he was too late.

Sirius continued to break into the casket, still taking huge gulps of air. At long last, the wood seemed to begin to crack. And being who he was and being as desperate as he was, Sirius did not let up because he was making progress. Instead he only hit it harder and harder each time his fists made contact with the wood until it splintered and completely gave way.

He did not hesitate when it came to looking in. Sirius had to look into the coffin and see Remus prematurely lined face, coughing and gasping for air. He had to give him a hand to get him out of that prison. He had to see him again. He had to see him all right again.

But this was not to be.

For the moment Sirius looked in, he did see Remus... He knew the man all too well not to know that it was him when he saw him. But there was something... wrong. The lines on his face stood out dark grey from the rest, for the remainder was a ghoulish white. Every limb on his body was slack and looked as if it had been placed where it was with care by other hands. But the thing that stood out the most was his eyes... They were open and they were amber... But lifeless.

"No..."

Remus wasn't blinking.

"This can't be happening..."

Remus wasn't moving.

"I didn't... You can't be..."

Remus wasn't breathing.

"No... No..."

Remus J. Lupin was dead.

"Moony!"

And the darkness closed in...

"PADFOOT!"

Bring me to life

Sirius's eyes flew open. And he wasn't in the graveyard.

He was lying on a bed somewhere. Most people wouldn't have thought that it was the most comfortable thing in the world, but to a man who had slept on rocks for the past year or so it was like sleeping on a cloud. The room was dimly lit from a lamp somewhere, or maybe it was a Lighting Charm. There wasn't much else in the room. It wasn't lavishing decorated or heavily adorned. It had hard would floors, a mahogany dresser, a mirror, and a man sitting on the edge of the bed with a relieved look in his amber eyes.

"Remus?" Sirius breathed in shock, pushing himself up on his elbows.

The man moved closer to Sirius, a mirthless smile playing on his lips and a hand to his graying temple. He surveyed Sirius for a moment and then spoke. "Thank goodness you're awake. All of your yelling was beginning to give him a headache." Suddenly the smile faded and the hand was on Sirius's arm. His voice was concerned, all kidding put aside for the time being. "Are you all right, Padfoot?"

Padfoot. He had called him Padfoot. He was blinking. He was moving. He was breathing.

Remus J. Lupin was very much alive.

"A dream?" Sirius said softly, his voice croaking slightly. He really had been screaming loudly. "It was all a dream? You're... You're not..."

Remus smiled sympathetically, albeit slightly amused. "Yes, it was a dream. Nightmare is more like it, truth be told. You've been sleeping for awhile actually. You must have been too tired to keep riding Buckbeak. You went down somewhere in the forest about half a mile from my house. It was a good thing I was out walking or who knows what would have happened to you? You know, some of us normal people sleep when we get tired. I know, I know. It's quite an unnatural concept for you, but you should really give it a shot more often. And maybe, oh I don't know... Not pass out from exhaustion miles above the Earth. Or you could at least shoot caffeine directly into the vein. Coffee takes too long to kick in during times of desperation, and why are you staring at me like that?" Remus was now raising both of his eyebrows as he had never been able to lift just one in order to give someone a dubious look.

Sirius just kept on staring. He wasn't dead. Remus was all right. He wasn't dead because of Sirius. And that meant that only one truthful thing had been said in the dream that had not already been apparent.

"Erm..." Remus said uncomfortably, "Padfoot, I realize that... Well, actually I don't realize anything. I'm entirely in the dark here. So if you would be so-- oof!"

The comment about the dark had suddenly sent Sirius into a state. He had tensed up once again and then swiftly launched himself at Remus, embracing the man. He wondered if Remus could tell that he was shaking. "You're all right." Sirius said aloud, just to make sure that it was real. "You're not dead."

Remus then went rigid, at last understanding why his friend was acting so strangely. He knew all too well how powerful and how very real nightmares could be. He hugged the man back without question and spoke to him softly. "No... No I'm not dead."

"I thought I lost you." Sirius said quietly, his eyes and throat beginning to burn in a way that they hadn't done for nearly fifteen years. "I thought I lost you, Moony.

"Never." Remus said, tightening his grip on the man. "You'll never lose me..."

"How can you say that?"

Remus smiled again, in a very different way than his previous ones. He paused only when he felt a hot droplet of water fall on to his shoulder.

"Because I'd never go anywhere without you."

Sirius didn't say anything because there was nothing more to be said. Some things didn't need words to make them real...

They didn't move for a very long time.


AUTHOR'S NOTES:

I do not own Harry Potter or anything related to that title, the band Evanescence or the song "Bring Me to Life".

I decided I wanted to a song fic to an Evanescence song some time ago, but I wasn't sure which song to use. I was however sure that I would not use "Bring Me to Life" because of how much attention it was getting. When overly popular songs have fics written to them, I tend to roll my eyes and not even give it a chance. Otherwise it seems that the person isn't really a fan of the music, they're just following the current trend. So I looked to the others and tried to find something really good, but all in vain.

Then I was up late listening to the CD late one night, and for some reason I had this urge to listen to the second track over and over again. I did, and fell asleep with it playing and woke up to it playing some time later. And upon awakening, I suddenly had the image of Sirius frantically digging up Remus' grave. And so that is how this came to be.