Will-o'-the-Wisp

"Want a butterbeer?"

Remus looked up and did a double-take, then smiled. "Reg! What are you doing here? I thought you weren't graduating for a couple of years yet."

"Bella made me come." The lanky fifteen-year-old grinned at Remus, holding two mugs of butterbeer. "Says I need to start learning which people to suck up to once I graduate, and since I don't really mix with the older set she said I had to come tonight and meet some of the Slug Club." He handed one of the mugs to Remus and added, "So far, she hasn't done much but hang off of Randolphus Lestrange and simper every time he looks her way...is he one of the members of the Slug Club?"

"Nah." Remus took a sip of butterbeer. "They've been engaged for months now."

"I know, the wedding's next week." Regulus pulled a face. "Mum says I've got to be one of the ushers...I don't even want to go. Especially since--" He hesitated. "Well, never mind. Let's just say I don't much like either one of them...or Cissy, and of course she's Bella's maid--er, matron--of honour."

Remus gave the boy a sympathetic smile. "I'm sorry about that...but hey, look at the bright side. You'll never have to see any of them again...isn't Narcissa married too?"

"Yeah, to Lucius Malfoy," Regulus nodded. "That was a really big deal, Mum thinks very highly of the Malfoy family. You know he's got a sister, right?"

"So I heard. Eileen, right?"

"Ethelfritha. Nice kid, I guess...Mum tried to push a marriage between her and S--my estranged brother--once."

Remus choked on his butterbeer. "What?" he sputtered. "Are you kidding me?"

Regulus gave him a wry smile. "Nope. 'Course, that broke off when--"

"He ran off."

"No, well before that...she fell off an abraxan horse and hit her head hard. She lived, but her brain's scrambled. The Malfoys don't even let her out of the house anymore...keep her locked up." Regulus tapped the side of his head. "She's crazy."

Remus knew that this was standard procedure for treating mentally ill people--keeping them locked away where society couldn't see them--but the thought still turned his stomach. He had a small sister who was retarded; he only saw her once or twice a year, when he could convince his parents to make the trip out to the asylum she was entombed in. He swallowed hard and put down his butterbeer. "That's too bad," he murmured.

Regulus studied Remus's face. "You okay? You look like you just got kicked in the stomach."

"Oh, yeah," Regulus said sympathetically. "Sorry about that."

"Not your fault."

The two sat in silence for a moment, Remus staring vacantly across the dance floor, Regulus scanning to make sure his cousin didn't see him talking to his estranged brother's best friend. After a while, Regulus cleared his throat and asked, "Say, er--where are Tweedledee, Tweedledum, and Tweedledumber? I mean, why are you over here by yourself?"

Remus shook his head and came back to reality. "Erm...Peter is over by the refreshments table, big surprise. James is over there--" he pointed to the left side of the room "--see, dancing with Lily Evans...again, no surprises there. Sirius is..." Remus scanned the room again, then frowned slightly. "Actually, I don't know where Sirius is. Come to think of it, I haven't seen him in a while."

"That's strange, usually you know exactly what he's doing every second of his life," Regulus commented, a teasing light in his eyes.

"Stop that," Remus laughed. "I do not."

"You do! Every time I ask you where he is you give me his exact geographic co-ordinates and a detailed--and often graphic, might I add--description of exactly what he's up to. I guess there had to be one time in your life that you didn't know exactly, but I didn't expect it to be tonight."

Remus chuckled, but he wondered. Regulus was right--it was unusual for Remus not to know what Sirius was doing. For that matter, it wasn't like Sirius to sneak off without letting Remus know where he was going. Where could he have gone? Remus mused. Aloud he said, "I don't think there's anything to worry about. You know Sirius, he's probably gone off with some girl."

"Or knowing him, several girls," Regulus added.

"Regulus!" Remus scolded, but his chiding didn't have the same effect as he was laughing.

Regulus grinned, not the least bit chagrined. "You know I could be right. Not that I think he's, you know, shagging them all or whatever...but I wouldn't put it past him."

Remus shook his head. "Sadly, neither would I."

Regulus chuckled again, then studied his mostly empty butterbeer mug before looking up at Remus. "So...any thoughts on what you'll be doing after Hogwarts?"

Remus shrugged uncomfortably. "Get a job somewhere, try to support myself. That won't be easy, I'll probably be looking for some time yet, but..."

"Teach here. We'll need a new Defence teacher..."

"Right out of Hogwarts, Regulus? The students won't listen to me--I'm too young. Dumbledore will say the same if I ask him. Besides, the job's jinxed, everyone knows that. I want to get some experience before I go up against something like that." Remus sighed and took another sip of butterbeer. "No, I'll have to think of something else."

"But what?"

Remus shook his head. "I don't know."

Regulus scanned the dance floor, obviously locating his two cousins and looking for Sirius, then looked back at Remus. "You know my dad would hire you."

"I know."

"He admires your work ethic...even if you are a Gryffindor and S--well, his friend."

"I know."

"All you'd have to do is pretend like you don't like your mum."

Remus sighed. "And therein lies the problem, Reg. I can't do that."

"Why not?" Regulus demanded. "I pretend like I don't like my brother--my best friend since as long as I remember--and I do it well enough to fool Dad. You're a way better actor than I am."

"It's nothing to do with my acting skills," Remus answered. "I just...I'm not going to deny my mother, even in a lie, even if I were starving and your dad was the only person in the world who would hire me--which may well be the case. That would be dishonest. If I'm going to get a job, I'm going to do it honestly and without lying or cheating my way into a position."

Regulus shook his head. "You and your honourable tendencies. Gryffindor."

"Damn straight." Both boys chuckled, but Remus quickly sobered. "No, I'll find someone who will hire me despite my heritage. The trick is going to be finding an employer who will be willing to let me off three days out of the month."

"You going to lie about your--er--what is it Potter calls it?" Regulus inquired.

"My 'furry little problem'?" A small smile quirked Remus's lips. "Might have to."

"Why?"

Remus chewed his bottom lip. He quite honestly hadn't admitted this part to anyone yet. "We-ell...Muggles don't exactly believe in werewolves, do they?"

"No, but--wait." Regulus eyed Remus suspiciously. "What do Muggles have to do with you getting work?"

Remus spread out his hands helplessly. "I...Reg, don't yell or throw a wobbly or anything, but...I think I'm going to wind up with a Muggle job. Something I don't have to get any specialised training for, since I can't pay for it, but something that pays well enough to live off of...oh, don't look at me like that," he implored, seeing Regulus's wide-eyed and incredulous stare. "I know most wizards don't resort to Muggle jobs, I know it's usually a really stupid idea, but what else am I going to do? I probably won't be able to get a job in the wizarding world, where the truth about me is just a Floo call away from any employer who does a thorough background check--which all of them do. At least with a Muggle job I can try to be normal."

Regulus shook his head slowly. "Your dad's gonna have a fit."

"My folks cut me off entirely when I left for the station on September the first," Remus said quietly. "Mother said I was of age and it was high time I started supporting myself. Dad was a little more blunt...said if I ever showed my furry face around his house again--that was exactly how he put it, my 'furry face'--he'd come at me with the candlesticks. I guess that's what they mean when they say you can't go home again."

Regulus looked abashed. "I'm sorry, Remus."

"Don't worry about it. It isn't your fault." Remus shook his head and scanned the room again. Peter was still stuffing his face...Tonks was talking to a couple of the older students who had been accepted into the Auror program, her face alight with excitement...James and Lily were still whirling about the dance floor, lost in their own little world. Remus couldn't see a sparkle on Lily's hand, which meant that James had not yet proposed. Sirius was still nowhere in sight, which was worrying to say the least.

Regulus looked around the room as well, then glanced at the doors opening out to the grounds, where a dark figure was lurking. "Hey, Snape's here, good."

Remus followed Regulus's gaze. Sure enough, Snape stood by the door, greasy-haired and hook-nosed, scowling at the proceedings. As Remus watched, Snape caught sight of James and Lily and his scowl deepened. With a swirl of coattails, he stalked out of the doors.

Regulus shook his head. "Man, he is messed up."

"How so?" Remus asked, turning to Regulus.

Regulus shrugged. "Just...I don't know. He's been getting more and more moody recently...he was the only one scowling at graduation this morning...and last night I caught him crying in the loo."

"What?" Remus was startled out of all other thoughts. Severus Snape did not cry. "What was wrong?"

"I don't know, and I didn't ask! I like my head where it is, thanks. I think he's upset about leaving...Hogwarts is his home, you know. His sister Becca's in my year, she told me once that their father is an alcoholic." Regulus looked up at Remus. "I guess he just doesn't want to go away...he wants to stay here, where he feels safe. You know?"

Remus knew. As far as he knew, however, the only two people who knew what Snape's home life was like--besides Snape and his sister--were Remus and Lily. Their study sessions had evolved into so much more...Remus didn't mind admitting to himself that Snape had become almost like a friend in that short period of time. All of them had secrets, he knew, but he had always been afraid to confide his lycanthropy to them. Lily, too, had kept whatever secrets she had a secret. Snape, however, had opened up to them on a particularly hot day when he had rolled his sleeves up and exposed a nasty sore on his upper arm. When Lily and Remus had expressed concern and asked him what happened, he had broke down sobbing--something Snape never did--and told them both what his father was like. They'd tried to help him, but he had brushed them off and begun avoiding them outside of their study sessions. And Remus could understand Snape not wanting to leave; he didn't much want to face a harsh world that would hate him either.

Realising that Regulus was watching him, waiting for a response, Remus said quietly, "That makes sense. Hogwarts has become a home to a lot of lonely, unwanted kids over the years."

"Yeah, I guess..." Regulus sighed. "I mention this only because I'm kind of worried about him...I know you guys used to be friends or something."

"Insofar as Severus Snape makes friends, of course," Remus murmured.

Regulus winced as he caught Bellatrix staring daggers at him. "Oops...better go. Bella's gonna kill me...later days."

"See you, Regulus." Remus barely registered the boy's departure, instead staring at the doors opening to the grounds. A split second later, he made up his mind and pushed away from the table.

Snape wasn't hard to find. Remus knew exactly where he preferred to sulk: a shadowy corner of the castle where sunlight never seemed to fall. That evening, the nearby bushes were filled with fairies, lighting the path, but Snape had managed to scare up a suitable patch of darkness. "Scare" probably being the operative word; Remus suspected he had chased away the fairies nearest his solitude.

"Severus?"

Snape looked up and scowled. "What do you want, Lupin?"

"I just wanted to talk." Remus took a step closer. "Are you all right? Regulus said you'd been crying."

It was the wrong thing to say. Snape's scowl deepened. "Black going around gossiping about me again, is he?"

"No! No, nothing like that. He mentioned it because he was concerned about you and--"

Snape gave a short, harsh laugh. "That's a good one. Spare me your misplaced platitudes and tell me what you want."

"I told you, I just want to talk." Remus took another step closer, took a deep breath, and held out his hand. "I...I also want to apologise."

"For nearly killing me?" Snape sneered. "It's too late, Lupin, the damage has been done."

"No...I mean yes, but...oh, hang it all, Severus, why must you make this so difficult on me?" Remus said desperately. "I am sorry I nearly killed you...but I assure you, I almost had control of the wolf brain. A split second later I'd've recognised you and left you alone. I didn't want to hurt you and I didn't know you were coming..."

"That's a good one," Snape muttered.

"I'm telling the truth!" Remus practically yelled. "Severus, I didn't come out here to beg for forgiveness, or to ask you to be friends with me again...I don't expect that we can ever go back to the friendship we had before. All I'm asking for is a lack of open hostility...that maybe you can forgive me for not telling you the truth about my...problem."

Snape slowly studied Remus's outstretched hand, then raised his eyes to Remus's face. "Why didn't you tell me? You could have trusted me not to tell."

"I just...I don't know. My parents always treated it like it was something to be ashamed of...I guess it is. I was..." Remus cleared his throat; this was hard for him to say. "I was afraid that if I told you, you wouldn't want to be my friend anymore. There, I said it."

Snape seemed surprised. "A friendship based on dishonesty is no real kind of friendship."

"I know that, and I am sorry about it. I just didn't trust...well, anything really. It's one of my worst faults...one of many, I'm afraid."

"That I doubt." A small half-smile tugged at Snape's lips. "I hope you know it wasn't the lycanthropy that made me stop hanging out with you...or even the fact that you lied to me."

"I know."

"It was the fact that...well, I nearly died that night. I blamed you--I still kind of do, even if it isn't quite fair--and I blamed your other friends. I swear I will never forgive Potter for dragging me out...making me indebted to him. Damn Gryffindor."

"Hey, watch it," Remus said warningly, but he was smiling.

Snape smiled a little too. "You're right, Lupin...we can't be friends like we used to be. However..." He reached out, grasped Remus's hand, and shook it. "Since I know you'll go away if I agree, I'll agree to a lack of open hostility. If you promise not to give me a reason to show it."

"I swear on my honour as a half-blood," Remus said solemnly.

"Good enough for me." Snape nodded curtly and released Remus's hand. "Will you leave me alone now?"

"Sure. Enjoy your solitude...but don't you think you ought to go back into the Great Hall and...you know...say goodbye to a few people? Surely you have some friends you won't ever see again."

Snape hesitated. "Well...I suppose I ought to talk to Ev--Lily at least. Slughorn says she'll go far, it's likely she won't have time for me anymore."

"You don't know that." Remus smiled. "Lily always has time for an old friend."

Snape almost smiled again. "Are you going back in?"

"Maybe in a minute or two," Remus answered. "I just...I dunno, I've spoken to most of the people I wanted to talk to." He looked up and studied the stars. "I love this time of night."

Snape raised an eyebrow. "It suits you. I suppose I'll see you around, Lupin."

"As Regulus would say, 'later days'."

Snape rolled his eyes and stalked off towards the Great Hall. Remus followed him at a bit of a distance, but stopped at the doorway and looked into the room from the doors. The band had struck up a faster tune, a popular swing tune, and all over the room couples were jitterbugging, or trying to. Most of them weren't very good at it. Remus noticed Tonks wincing as Peter stepped on her feet and wondered how she'd managed to get him away from the refreshment table. James and Lily, however, looked like they'd been born on the dance floor. Remus smiled as he watched them whirl across the floor.

"Whatcha looking at?"

Remus turned, startled, then grinned. "Sirius, there you are. I've been looking for you all evening."

"I've been...walking around." Sirius took a few steps closer to the door. "What are you looking at?"

Remus pointed. "Everyone dancing...wow, did you see that?"

James had suddenly dipped Lily so low she looked as though she was going to snap in two. There were scattered cheers from the surrounding crowd.

"Lucky," Sirius said, sounding almost envious.

Remus raised an eyebrow. "What, you wish you could dip like that?"

"I wish I could dance like that. For that matter...well, never mind."

"No, what?" Remus insisted.

Sirius swallowed and looked out across the room. "I...see, I sort of lied earlier when I said I didn't want to restrict myself to one woman."

"I figured you were." Remus studied his friend. "So, why did you come stag then?"

Sirius took a deep breath. "See...there's this one...I really like them, I mean really like them."

"But...?" Remus prompted.

"But...I don't know." Sirius looked a little uncomfortable. "I don't think they would've said yes if I'd asked...they're here, but I'm afraid to go up and ask them to dance or whatever because I'm afraid they'll say no."

Remus frowned at Sirius. "Siri, if I've told you once, I've told you a thousand times. Just ask. The worst they can do is say no...and hey, there's a fifty-percent chance they'll say yes. If you don't ask, you'll have no chance at all."

"It's more than that," Sirius mumbled. "See, we're friends--have been for a while. I'm kind of afraid that...well, that if they know how I feel about them and they don't feel the same way, I'll lose them as a friend. I don't think I could deal with that."

"Mmm," Remus hummed sympathetically. He was racking his brains trying to come up with a girl Sirius was friends with but might be in love with...and hopefully wasn't already engaged. Marlene, perhaps? "I still say you should go ask. You never know...they might feel the same way. You might be losing out by not talking to them."

"Maybe." Sirius hesitated, then moved forward. "I'll be right back." He slipped into the Great Hall.

As Remus watched, a small figure with dark hair darted out of the crowd and accosted Sirius. Sirius seemed pleased to see his younger brother, and the two talked for a second or two before Regulus melted back into the crowd. Sirius tilted his head; the song was in obviously in its last bars. The song finished and everyone applauded. Sirius nodded, as if in resolution, then turned and walked back to the door where Remus stood.

"Couldn't find her?" Remus inquired as Sirius rejoined him.

"Never said it was a her," Sirius mumbled.

Remus looked up in surprise. Now that he thought on it, Sirius hadn't said "her"...but still, it seemed so natural that Remus had assumed. "Sirius, who on earth...?"

Sirius swallowed hard and stared at his shoes. "Maythisdance?"

Remus blinked. "Wh-what?"

Sirius looked up, blushing a little. "M-may I have this dance?" he stammered.

Remus swallowed hard. Great, he thought to himself. This is *not* what I had in mind...not at all. Still...He smiled a bit. "Yeah, sure."

Sirius's face lit up. A slow song struck up. Hesitantly, he reached out and put his hands on Remus's waist; Remus reached up for Sirius's shoulders, and the two began dancing. Or at least pretending to.

Remus had never felt so awkward in his life, including the time he had gone to the circus and thrown up on the clown's shoes. He and Sirius stood as far apart as their arms could reach, revolving slowly in a circle, each sort of avoiding the other's eyes. Sirius's fingertips barely touched Remus's waist; Remus rested his hands lightly on Sirius's shoulders. He was suddenly acutely aware that his jacket was beginning to fray, particularly right where Sirius's left hand hovered, and he was certain that he had missed part of the hole when patching his sleeve and sure that Sirius would notice it and comment. It was ridiculous; Sirius had known Remus for seven years and never once commented on his clothing, but Remus felt uncomfortable all the same.

The song seemed to last a million years, but in reality it was the shortest song the band had played so far. When it finally drew to a close, a few people in the room clapped like they usually did when a song ended. Remus quickly drew his hands back from Sirius's shoulders. Sirius released Remus's waist, then hesitated. Remus expected him to say something, like what in the name of God's green earth had possessed him to fall in love with Remus, but to his surprise Sirius grabbed him by the upper arms and kissed him.

Remus had been kissed before. His mother was in the habit of kissing his forehead when she said goodnight; his father kissed him on the cheek from time to time before leaving on a long journey. Of course he and Petunia had kissed full on the lips, but it had been nothing--nothing--like this: passionate and heartfelt, as though Sirius was putting his entire soul behind it. Before Remus had time to respond--before he really had time to react--Sirius drew back and released his arms, looking embarrassed and a little frightened. He took a step back, staring at Remus for a moment that seemed to hold eternity.

Remus stared right back at Sirius. Shock had left him temporarily bereft of his powers of speech and locomotion. But, he suddenly realised, it wasn't only shock he felt. The shock had begun to wear off, leaving with it new feelings, strange ones at that. His whole face was tingling, as though it had fallen asleep and was beginning to wake up. He opened his mouth to say something...but he never got the chance. Sirius turned and ran across the grounds.