Three Times Till Dawn

Jesus said unto him, Verily I say unto thee, That this night, before the cock crow, thou shalt deny me thrice. [KJV, Matthew 26:34]

It isn't hard to imagine me doing what I did. After all, it's my destiny. I remember, when I first met them, Sirius teasingly called me "Peanut-butter-Jelly In Pie" because of my initials: PJIP. Remus, ever curious about everything, asked what the J and the I stood for. I lied and told him Jonah Isaiah. (Big mistake--James immediately called me "Whale-boy" for the next year.) The J does not stand for Jonah. Nor does it stand for John, as Remus's does; nor does it stand for Joshua, Jacob, Joseph, James, or any of those other sissy prophets who preached about the coming saviour. The I does not stand for Isaiah, Isaac, or Ishmael. No. My name is Peter Judas Pettigrew. Peter Judas Iscariot Pettigrew.

And when [Jesus] had dipped the sop, he gave it to Judas Is-car'-I-to, the son of Simon. And after the sop Satan entered into him. Then said Jesus unto him, That thou doest, do quickly. Now no man at the table knew for what intent he spake this unto him...[KJV, John 13:26-28]

Jesus knew that Judas would commit the ultimate betrayal. He told him at the Last Supper to "go and do what he had to".

Lily knew what I would do, of that I'm certain. The last time I saw her--ironically at supper--she kept giving me these strange looks. And just before I left, when she handed me my coat, she gave me a look of sadness and hurt. Peter "Wormtail" Pettigrew would have been moved to break down and confess. Peter Judas Iscariot Pettigrew was not. Just before I left, she stopped me.

"You dropped this."
It was my first wages as a Death Eater. Few got paid, even in the inner sanctum, and of course this payment was peanuts compared to the salary I was earning at the time. But the Dark Lord rewards his followers. I had been promised close to two galleons, to be paid the day before I was to betray the Potters. One galleon, thirteen sickles. But the Dark Lord had not paid me in galleons, explaining that he felt it'd be less suspicious if I had smaller coins. (Not that Lord Voldemort needs explanations.) I think, though, he was trying to make a sadistic point. He paid me entirely in sickles. Silver coins. Seventeen sickles to a galleon means that I was paid thirty sickles. Thirty silver coins. Thirty silver coins, just as Judas was paid to betray Jesus. I am Judas Iscariot.

But not entirely. Judas went soft. Judas tried to pay the money back, tried to get the elders to leave Jesus alone. Judas repented. Judas threw the money into a field rather than spend it, hung himself rather than live with what he had done. And, okay, I never spent my money--didn't have the time before I faked my death--and okay, I "died" rather than live with what I'd done--but my motivations were entirely different. Judas, that soft pansy, regretted having betrayed his friend. I, the "hard bastard", as Sirius called me before attempting to blow me up--and failing, might I add--regretted only that the Dark Lord had seemingly perished attempting to kill the little brat.

But still...I was paid thirty silver coins for the life of a saviour. I am Judas Iscariot.

And while he yet spake, behold a multitude, and he that was called Judas, one of the twelve, went before them, and drew near unto Jesus to kiss him. But Jesus said unto him, Judas, betrayest thou the son of man with a kiss? [KJV, Luke 22:47-48]

But I am also Peter. Before dawn, three lives ended because of me--Lily's, James's, and Harry's. Three lives. Three betrayals. As though they had never been my friends. I denied them, betrayed them, as Simon Peter denied Jesus.

I am Peter. I am Judas Iscariot. I am Peter Judas Iscariot Pettigrew. I betrayed my mentor. And I betrayed him three times before dawn.