Reflections

It isn't raining.

That's the first thing I notice. Somehow, I always imagined it would be raining. It was raining when I was outside for the last time. As if the sky was crying, crying for James and Lily. It must have rained at their funeral, too. I didn't attend. James would have been angry, that I didn't even attend his funeral. But I didn't get to. I was already in - don't think of that.

I remembered that it rained. I didn't remember the rain itself, though. What does rain feel like? Is it wet? Wet like the ocean I just crawled out of? I don't remember. Too many happy memories connected with rain, I guess. I lost almost all my happy memories in Azk- don't think of it..

But it isn't raining. The sky is clear, the sun is sinking into the sea, tinting the entire ocean blood-red. Lily would have liked to see this. She was always painting scenes like this. She loved to paint.

I'm on a beach. A sandy beach. Not too many sandy beaches in England, and those are usually swarming with tourists - when it's not raining, and it isn't. I guess I should leave soon. It's so late that the beach is empty, but tomorrow the people will start arriving. Can't be here then.

The wind's getting stronger. It's whipping the sand up, so that it glides over the ground like smoke or fog, golden in the sunset. James would have loved this weather. He loved all kinds of odd weather. I remember - yes! I remember! - a time, back in out third year it must have been, when there was a bad accident in Charms. The skies above Hogwarts poured bright green peppermint-flavored rain for three days. Most of the students fled inside and hid from the Ministry wizards who'd come. The Ministry was very upset, what with all the Muggles needing Memory Charms and all. But James - James stood outside and laughed. We all thought he was crazy.

That memory is tinged with sadness, the knowledge of what happened later. All my memories of James are bittersweet now. But I'll gladly take the bitter with the sweet, I've only had the bitter for twelve years. All the bad memories - small ones, like Professor McGonagall giving us detention for some prank or another, or large ones. Foremost among the latter is the memory of that awful day, Halloween twelve years ago. It's branded in my memory now, I've relived it so often. And then there is another horrid memory... me talking to James about my brilliant idea of using Peter as Secret Keeper. He didn't want to, in the beginning. I convinced him... That memory nearly cost me my sanity. The knowledge that I wasn't completely innocent of James' death, although I was innocent of the crimes they'd imprisoned me for. As a matter of fact, maybe it did cost me my sanity. After all, don't all mad people think they're sane? But then, if I think I'm insane, I have to be sane, right?

Stop it stop it stop it. You did not survive, sanity intact - yes it is intact - for all this time to drive yourself mad now, Sirius. Go. Stop Wormtail, find Harry. That was his name, wasn't it? Harry? Too many happy memories connected with that.

I turn to go, but am riveted by the ocean. The ocean. I never saw it when I was a child - odd when you're living on an island, right? But I never did. First time I saw it was with James, Remus and Peter, in the summer after our fifth year. I was fascinated, and I am now. The ocean is so... eternal. Unchanging. The waves were pounding at the shore before I was born, and they will be long after I'm dead. Odd, that sensation of being finite. But comforting, too, after Az- that place. Somewhere, somewhen, the waves are washing up at a sandy beach where James, Remus and I are talking, laughing, joking, carefree. Somewhere, somewhen, they're washing against the stony cliffs of Azk- don't think of it!

I wish I was like the ocean. The ocean doesn't cry. It doesn't scream. It doesn't feel despair, it doesn't feel grief, sorrow, pain ... Perhaps later, in a few years, I'll change my mind. Perhaps then, I'll feel happiness again - what is that, anyway? I can't remember... But for now, I wish I was like the ocean.

I turn and leave.