Alone Again

Alone Again

He thinks I don't hear him leave late at night.

I do.

He thinks I don't hear him come back in the morning.

I do.

I don't know why I don't leave him. Wake up one morning, and tell him to get the hell out of my house. MY house. The one I had saved up for all throughout seventh year. The one I insisted he move into. I wouldn't let anyone lend me the money. I was so proud of myself.

Every time I open my mouth to say it, he works his knee-buckling charm on me. He tells me how happy I make him, how beautiful I am, and how he would die for me. And then I swallow the words and shut my mouth.

I can't.

I need him. After all, he loves me. Right? Of course he does. He tells me every day.

He thinks I don't smell the sweet perfume on his shirts when I do the laundry every Tuesday night.

I do. But I keep my mouth shut.

"The key to a happy life, Ginny, is a short memory."

My mum told me once, after I had cried from a fresh round of teasing from Fred and George.

But I can't forget.

Never forget.

It doesn't live my nightmare filled head.

He buries his face in my hair, whispering sweet things into my ear. He says he loves me and my hair. It reminds him of fire and ice. "But in a good way, of course, Gin." He adds.

My mother positively adores him. She showers him with compliments every time we visit The Burrow. She tells me how lucky I am to have someone like Seamus. I am so very lucky. Some girls would kill to be in my place.

Well go ahead and kill me then. I don't mind.

"He's such a nice boy, Ginny! He's so wonderful!"

If he's so goddamn wonderful, then why is he doing this to me?

I hate him.

But I can't live without him.

Maybe I'm just being selfish.

"Nothing's ever good enough for you, is it Gin?" Seamus asks me when I refuse him some nights when I'm too tired and depressed to even let him make love to me.

I guess not.

He talks of currency with Bill and Ukrainian dragons with Charlie. He tolerates Dad's obsession with all things Muggle. Laughing good-naturedly, he answers a few questions about a car for him, which makes Dad absolutely delighted. 'He's so charming!" Hermione coos, squeezing my arm. He participates with the Twins' jokes, and after sharing a dormitory with Ron and Harry for seven years, he's one of their dearest friends. Hell, he even gets along with Percy. He compliments Mum on her excellent cooking, after setting his fork down with a satisfying clatter. He makes Mum blush. No one makes Mum blush.

He's perfect. He's all I ever wanted.

I wonder if he sees the pain in my eyes when I look him over. He's so handsome. I love the way his sandy blonde hair falls into his bright blue eyes. I'm sure I've memorized every dip and groove in his toned body.

Is that obsessive?

No, not when you're his wife.

I hate him.

He's peeling back the covers now, preparing to leave and meet her at the pub.

But I can't live without him.

Bye Seamus, I won't wait up. The door shuts with a soft thud, and I'm alone again.

I get out of bed and cross the room to look out the window at the unforgiving night. I see him walking down the street with his leather jacket on. I gave him that leather jacket.

Aren't I enough?

'Look at me. Look at me. Come back home, and say you're sorry. Tell me it's never going to happen again.' My mind pleads.

But he doesn't turn around. He keeps on walking. I watch until I can't see him anymore, and then turn around. I suddenly feel sick to my stomach. I run to the bathroom, gripping the toilet. I vomit and convulse a couple of times, but then I'm done. I wipe my mouth and the beads of sweat on my forehead. 'Pull yourself together.' I tell myself, but I can't ignore the tears threatening to escape at any second.

I fall onto my bed and stuff my face into the pillows. I don't usually cry, but huge sobs rack my body and I weep like a child. I feel alone, and I don't know what to do. My salty tears dry up, leaving my face feeling tight and strange.

I can't live like this lie anymore. I know I can't.

I'll tell him in the morning.

Yeah...sure I will.