The First Date

*Sirius*

Oh, bollocks.

"What do you mean, you're going to be a father?" I ask incredulously, bending down next to a distressed Charlie. Remus pulls out a chair and sits on the other side of him.

But Charlie seems incapable of expressing his thoughts. He just sits at the kitchen table numbly, making soft whimpering sounds.

"Hey..." A thought suddenly occurs to me. "Do you want a drink?"

"No!" Remus says loudly as Charlie looks up hopefully. "He's had enough!"

"Who are you - his mother?" I shoot back quickly.

"Mother..." Charlie moans, his head plopping back down onto the table with a dull clunk. "That sounds a lot like father..."

"Okay." Remus puts on his stern professor voice. Charlie had better watch out. "You need to tell us what happened."

I stand up and quickly make Charlie a cup of coffee, adding a few generous drops of Firewhiskey when Remus isn't looking.

What he doesn't know won't hurt him, right?

I bring the coffee to the table and place it in front of Charlie. He looks up at me gratefully and takes a sip.

"Okay," he says in a shuddering voice. "It all happened like this..." He stops and suddenly looks terrified again. Poor bloke.

"It's not that bad," I soothe calmly. "You just need to calm down..."

"Sirius?"

A new voice suddenly booms across the kitchen. My heart leaps into my throat and I spin around, ready to curse whoever's in my kitchen to oblivion.

Wait - I don't have a wand. It's still upstairs. Darn it! Why do I always forget about it?

I turn to the fire and sigh in relief as I find Tonks' head poking out of the fire. Thank Merlin...

Oh, wait. No! Not now! Not Tonks! I glance towards Remus, who's mysteriously retreated into a corner of the kitchen and is trying to make himself look as small as possible. He stares at the fire with a frightened look on his face.

So I guess he's not over the whole panicking thing.

I turn my gaze back towards Tonks and give her my most charming smile. She looks back at me suspiciously.

Uh-oh.

"Tonks! You bloody scared the life outta me!" I say hurriedly, leaning close to the fire.

Tonks grins. "I was just visited by...by..."

Her nose is scrunching up and she sounds all nasally. I start to feel slightly worried.

"Visited by who? You're not in trouble, are you?"

"No." Tonks shakes her head. "I was visited by B- B- B..."

I smirk. "I have a feeling she's trying to tell us something," I say, turning towards Remus. His eyes immediately widen and he shakes his head frantically, motioning for me to turn back to the fire. I hurriedly do so and smile charmingly again. Tonks doesn't notice.

"Shut up, Sirius," she huffs. "I was visited by Bill, and he's looking for...for...ACHOOOOOO!"

Her sneeze catches me completely off-guard and I topple over backwards, knocking over a kitchen chair. Tonks starts laughing, and in the corner Remus laughs as well. He then covers his mouth, looking horrified. I pick myself up off the floor.

"Sorry," Tonks says sheepishly. "I have the flu."

"Yeah, yeah," I say. "Bill's looking for who?"

"Charlie."

I involuntarily look behind me again. At the sound of his name, Charlie raises his head again and then shakes it from side to side violently, in a "no" gesture. He then winces and puts a hand to his head. A moment later his head's back on the table.

Tonks doesn't notice any of this. "Apparently he's having some sort of crisis," she continues blithely.

"Oh, really?" I ask nonchalantly. Tonks' eyes narrow.

"Really," she says suspiciously. "Sirius - do you know where Charlie is?"

Okay, maybe I wasn't so nonchalant.

"Me?" I do my best innocent face. "No."

"Uh...huh." She obviously doesn't believe me. "Well, Bill's on his way over. Thought you should know."

"All right. Thanks, Tonks." Now go away!

"Wait!" Tonks is looking up at me. "I'm not finished yet! Is Remus there?"

I start to nod automatically, but hear a banging behind me - a sure sign Remus is pounding the wall.

"Ye - no."

"What?" Tonks looks startled. "Is Remus there or isn't he?"

I glance behind me. Remus is looking stricken, shaking his head vigorously and waving his arms around. I sigh inwardly. Why me?

"No, he's not," I lie.

"Really? Then who's in the kitchen with you?"

Darn, this girl's perceptive sometimes!

"With me?" I ask innocently. "No one."

"Really? Then who was laughing before?"

"That was..." Remus being a chicken? "Kreacher!" I improvise. "Kreacher was laughing...you know how he hates me."

"Right." Tonks looks slightly hurt. "Well, where is he?"

"He's gone...for a walk."

"A walk?" Tonks repeats disbelievingly. I nod.

"Umm... all right," she says. "When he gets back, let him know I asked after him, okay? I'm not sure I'll be able to make our date tonight, I'm s...sick..." she starts coughing and I lean back.

"I can see that," I say. She gives me a filthy look.

"And if you see Charlie, tell him he can't move to Guam. They still behead people over there."

I nod numbly. Guam? Beheading?

I need a drink.

Tonks pulls her head out of the fire and I whip around to face the two cowards. Remus is still tucked into a corner of the kitchen, looking pale and shaky. And Charlie is unmoving at the table.

"I'll deal with you - " I point at Remus, " - in a minute." I move around the table and take a seat next to Charlie. "Guam?" I enquire mildly.

Charlie looks up blearily. "Do they have children there?"

"I think so," I say gently. Charlie nods.

"Okay."

"What happened?" Remus asks again, approaching the table and sitting down.

Charlie sighs and takes another sip of coffee. "See, I met this girl. And we started dating, and it was going well for a while...but then we sort of drifted apart, as people do. But, last night, I got an OWL from her..." Charlie takes a deep breath. "She says she's pregnant. And that it's mine. I'm going to be a father...a father..."

"And so you're moving to Guam?" Remus asks disbelievingly. Charlie nods.

"I like Guam. They have funny hats."

THUNK! And he passes out.

I snort as I take in a snoring and unconscious Charlie. "We have to get him out of here," I say. "Bill's coming to look for him and he could be here any second. We have to hide him."

Remus nods, and together we haul Charlie up the numerous stairs and into one of the spare bedrooms. He curls up on the bed and sticks his thumb in his mouth.

"Now, there's a sight," I say, surveying him. Remus gives me a look. Then the doorbell rings.

"That must be Bill," Remus says as my mother starts shrieking in the hall. Together we hurry out of the room and down the steps as Bill rings again. I throw open the door and then grin.

"Bill!"

"Sirius." Bill nods and steps over the threshold of the house as Remus pulls the curtains over my mother. "How's things?"

"Couldn't be better! Right, Remus?" I turn to Remus, who hurriedly starts nodding his head, a big grin stretching over his face.

Bill stares at us. "Umm...Okay..." He looks back at me. "Have you seen Charlie?"

"Charlie?" I pretend to ponder this thought. "Nope. Have you seen him, Remus?"

"Me?" Remus shakes his head. "No, I haven't seen him!"

"Nope!" I turn back to Bill and shrug. "Maybe he's in the coat closet!" I stride over to the closet and throw it open. "Charlie!" I call. "Nope, not here!" I say, laughing heartily. I give Remus a look and he joins in.

Bill gives us a weird look. "You two need to leave this house more," he mutters. Then he shakes his head. "Look, if you see him, could you let me know? Apparently he's going through some sort of crisis."

I nod. "Okay!"

"Okay." Bill's still giving us strange looks. "See you later."

"Bye!" Remus says energetically. Bill slowly closes the front door, eyeing both of us warily.

As soon as the door closes I drop my phoney smile with a sigh and turn to Remus. "And don't think you're going anywhere!" I say severely as I catch him trying to sneak up the stairs.

Remus sighs and turns back to me. "Give it a rest, Sirius."

"You give it a rest!" I retort. "What was that back there? What, now you're not talking to Tonks? The love of your life?"

"She's not the love of my life!" Remus calls over his shoulder, heading up the stairs.

"She was last night!" I hurry up the stairs after him, duck under his arm, and end up blocking the stairs. Remus sighs.

"Sirius..."

"No, seriously - what happened?" I challenge. "You just got up this morning and decided, 'Well, today I'm going to make Sirius lie to his only living relative, not to mention the woman I love...'"

Remus glares at me. "Drop it!"

"No, you drop it!"

"That doesn't make any sense, Sirius."

"I...well..." I narrow my eyes at him. "Don't change the subject!"

"Then drop it!" Remus suddenly pulls out his wand and before I know it, I'm hovering upside down in mid air while he makes a quick getaway.

"Moony! Get your arse back here, right now!"

The only response I get is a slamming door. With a sudden jerk, I land on a heap on the floor, the spell seemingly broken. I get up, wincing slightly, and rub my backside.

"This is not over," I hiss, limping up the stairs and to my bedroom. "You wait!" I raise my voice so I'm sure Remus can hear me. "YOU WAIT!"