Maybe Not Your Ordinary MST

Setting: the shore by the lake

Time: Approximately fifty years before nineteen-ninety

Albus Dumbledore had not been working in Hogwarts for very long, but he was sure finding strange notes in small, yellow, sticky paper telling him to go to the lake were not natural. But he was used to unusual, being a wizard and having a mad brother like Aberforth. But that was what made life fun. The notes started from his office and trailed here and there all the way down to the lake. It led him to a beech tree which he had been sure was only a tiny sapling that morning.

He stared around curiously only to hear a strange whsssing sound and saw a young woman in a tight bun he was well acquainted with named Minerva. She stumbled on to the grass, more befuddled than he was and it was rare that he had ever seen her with such an expression. She looked up at him with a frown, "Dumbledore? What am I doing here? We can't Apparate into Hogwarts, can we? Ever since Grindelwald had tried to--"

"I don't know what to tell you Minerva," he said as he helped her to her feet. "I just got a note telling me to be here--" As he said this, he glanced back at the trail, only to find it all the yellow notes gone.

"Oh you too?" Minerva grumbled with only mild surprise. "I found it on my desk. I couldn't figure out what it said. Horrible scribble who ever wrote that. Then one second later, I was here."

They could not talk anymore for there was another whsssing and this time there were four Hogwarts students that appeared. A very large first year named Rubeus Hagrid (Dumbledore guessed that he had some giant blood in him), a weepy girl named Myrtle, a rather mean tomboy who picked on Myrtle called Olive Hornby, and one of the brightest students in Hogwarts yet--Tom Riddle.

"What are we doing here?" He asked angrily, "I was rather busy with... other matters."

"I bet this has something to do with four-eyes Myrtle turtle here," Olive drawled as Myrtle burst into tears, and started to run away. But Myrtle didn't get far for some invisible bubble, which she crashed into, stopped her.

"Owwww! My nose!" She cried even harder.

"My God, why did I invite her?" A disembodied voice said loud and clear around them. There was a sigh but they could not see anyone. "Look, I'm a disembodied voice. As much as uncomfortable it is; I figured I should do it for the first chapter. That way, I'll be ready to mediate next time."

"Mediate?" Minerva repeated. "Mediate what?"

"Oh right! Silly me, I forgot," the voice said airily as a white floating screen appeared out of nowhere. An image of a book cover flashes onto the screen, titled: Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone. "Sorry, I don't have the British version, having never been there. Now, sit!"

Immediate everyone sat. Some of them as they sat found bright pink and yellow pillows cushioned them. Olive, Myrtle, and Tom found themselves on the ground.

"What was that for?" Tom grumbled.

"Sorry, you need to earn your luxuries."

"They don't need to!" Olive shouted, pointing at her Transfiguration teacher, Hagrid, and the woman she didn't know."

"Too bad, so sad," the voice chanted. Olive looked miffed and Myrtle gave a weak smile only to whimper again when Olive glared at her.

"So, whoever you are, why are we here?" Minerva prompted tartly.

"Right, you're all here to do an MST."

"MST?" they all repeated.

"Okay, first this is getting ridiculous. By the way, I'm Kaori; I'll be your author for this fanfic. So--" There was a snapping sound.

Kaori: ::sigh of relief:: ah, much better. All that dialogue was getting tedious. Ack, introductions, I'm no good at them. Hopefully this will get better.

Albus: Are you talking to yourself?

Kaori: No... OH! Right, MST means Mystery Science Theatre. It's a wonder how many people don't really know. And that's Albus, Minerva, Hagrid, Myrtle, Tom, and Olive. Wow, I am such an incompetent host. So you're here because you are going to read a book.

Albus: What book? That? ::points to screen::

Kaori: Yep, except in an easy readable manner for you all, though one of you will still be reading it out loud. Enjoy the scenery, usually MST's take place inside a locked room.

Tom: Read? That's all you want us to do?

Olive: I hate reading.

Kaori: ... it's preferable if you actually say something. You know, your honest to goodness opinion. Hopefully you'll be punished for it and this isn't my worse nightmare that this is a complete bore.

Minerva: Wait a minute, wait a minute. There isn't anything called the Sorcerer's Stone

Kaori: ::in a low voice:: um, the UK title is Philosopher's Stone...

Albus & Minerva: .... I what that is...

Kaori: Yeah.

Everyone else: excuse me?

Kaori: You! Hornby, read!

Olive: What! Why me!?

Kaori: I just feel like picking on you.

Olive: What did I ever do to you?

Kaori: Nothing, why do you ask?

CHAPTER ONE

Tom: this is a Muggle book, isn't it? Isn't it?! I'm not reading a Muggle book!

Kaori: Yes you are! Oh and that reminds me.

::more whsssing sounds as grown-up Remus Lupin appears::

Kaori: I'm such a bad, bad host... here Remus, educate yourself, I'm sure you know how it goes. ::something that looks miniature laptop appears on his lap::

Remus: ... not another MST?

Kaori: Don't worry, you're only a guest for as long as this chapter. And as for you Riddle... ::thwaps him with a staff:

Tom: OOOWWWW! That hurts! Fine, fine! I'll read!

Olive: Serves you right, Riddle. Pompous git.

Remus: ...

Kaori: What do you not get by this is a long chapter? READ!!!

All: Yes ma'am.

THE BOY WHO LIVED

Tom: from what?

Remus: hey... isn't that--?

Minerva: ::sarcastically:: from surviving you probably.

Tom: Ha, ha... you're not funny Minerva.

Mr. and Mrs. Dursley, of number four, Privet Drive, were proud to say that they were perfectly normal, thank you very much.

Tom: No, you aren't welcome. Stupid Muggles.

Kaori: I'll allow that, but only for these Muggles. Otherwise you get thwapping!

Remus: Wait a second...

Kaori: shh!!

They were the last people you'd expect to be involved in anything strange or mysterious, because they just didn't hold with such nonsense.

All but Remus: ...

Tom: Muggles! Hmp.

Minerva: Looks like the worse kind, shame.

Olive: Who cares?

Kaori: ... shut up.

Tom: I thought this was about some kids named Potter. He better be a wizard, Ka... whatever your named is.

Kaori: READ! ::thwaps::

Tom: Stop that!

Mr. Dursley was the director of a firm called Grunnings, which made drills.

Tom: Read Hornby, I will not be reduced to this.

Olive: This is so dull. Why do I have to read? What's the point? I want to go home!

Remus: she just wants to torture us, but so far she's doing a terrible job. Are you sure you're an author? You're an awful author, aren't you?

Kaori: ::growls:: Cut the alliteration and read.

He was a big, beefy man with hardly any neck, although he did have a very large mustache.

Myrtle: ::sniffs indignantly:: too much meat for that guy.

Minerva: Probably.

Mrs. Dursley was thin and blonde and had nearly twice the usual amount of neck, which came in very useful as she spent so much of her time craning over garden fences, spying on the neighbors.

Olive: I hate women like those.

Minerva: ::rolls eyes:: and how many women do you actually know?

Olive: .... Plenty.

Myrtle: ::quietly:: probably just her mom.

Olive: WHAT was that?

Myrtle: Nothing! Nothing at all.

Albus: That was a bit strange.

Boys: yeah, really.

The Dursleys had a small son called Dudley and in their opinion there was no finer boy anywhere.

Tom: ::snorts:: Dudley. Figures. What a pansy boy that'll be.

Kaori: There's city named Dudley in England.

All: ...

Kaori: Thought I'd share. I've been trying to look for Surrey on a map, but I can't find it ::sighs::

The Dursleys had everything they wanted, but they also had a secret,

Tom: That the only reason they were together was because of wedlock.

Myrtle: That Mrs. Dursley was actually a lesbian.

All: ...

Tom: ... Mudblood, was that actually a joke?

and their greatest fear was that somebody would discover it.

Remus: Like anyone else would care.

Tom: Probably obvious to people anyway. By the way, who are you?

Remus: Er, no one... no one at all...

They didn't think they could bear if anyone found out

Tom: That Dudley was a bastard child!

Myrtle: ::at the same time:: That Mr. Dursley was having an affair!

::Tom and Myrtle glare at each other::

Tom: Quit it Mudblood, you aren't funny.

Olive: She is, a little.

All: ...

Minerva: Did she just say something... nice? About Myrtle?

Olive: ::gasps:: Why did I say that?! I'm not nice! I'M NOT NICE!!!

about the Potters.

Remus: I KNEW IT! This is Harry's--

Kaori: Of course it is! I thought I told you to educate yourself!

Remus: Eh?

Kaori: The laptop, the laptop! Do I have to thwap you too? Or do you prefer a thwacking?

Remus: ... I'll read the laptop.

Mrs. Potter was Mrs. Dursley's sister,

Minerva: Potter? But I know a Potter, she doesn't have a Muggle sister.

Albus: Hmm...

Olive: I'm not nice! I'm not!

Kaori: I believe you, shut up!

but they hadn't met for several years; in fact, Mrs. Dursley pretended she didn't have a sister, because her sister and her good-for-nothing husband were as unDursleyish as it was possible to be.

Minerva: ::frowning:: unDursleyish is not a word.

Kaori: ::weakly:: Oh good, our resident grammar checker. It's a bit overused dear.

Remus: ::looking over the laptop:: Dear? But you're younger than her! You're younger than most of us!

Kaori: Well, no, since you'll all fictional characters conceived after I was born.

Remus: You're still younger than us.

Kaori: ::sigh::

The Dursleys shuddered to think what the neighbors would say if the Potters arrived in the street.

Tom: ::ignoring the rest, reading bored:: That you're all freaks!

Kaori: Am not! I'm older than Myrtle, Hornby, and Hagrid! That's half of you!

Remus: What about Riddle?

Kaori: ... I think I'm about the same age ::eye twitch:: disturbing.

The Dursleys knew that the Potters had a small son too, but they had never seen him.

Olive & Tom: Good for the Potter boy.

Remus: Wish it stayed at way... Oh hey, Hagrid! Why are you so quiet?

Hagrid: I... I...

This boy was another good reason for keeping the Potters away; they didn't want Dudley mixing with a child like that.

Minerva: Probably the other way around, if this last paragraph any indication of these, these Dursleys.

Albus: Most unfortunate.

Kaori: ::groans:: I should've done a traditional MST.. Why, oh why must I always torture myself like this? Whhhhyy??

Remus: This is new, we're driving the author mad.

Kaori: ::upset:: SHUT UP! I'M UNDER A LOT OF EMOTIONAL STRESS!

When Mr. and Mrs. Dursley woke up on the dull, gray Tuesday our story starts,

Students and Remus: ah, the normal Tuesday morn...

Myrtle: ::sigh wistfully:: Ah, the dreary Tuesday mornings... isn't today Tuesday?

Kaori: For me it is ^^ but it'll probably like Saturday for me by the time I finish.

Tom: ::raising an eyebrow:: How is that possible?

Kaori: ... I don't like answering your questions. No more of them!

there was nothing about the cloudy sky outside to suggest that strange mysterious things would soon be happening all over the country.

Olive: Like what?

Kaori: DIDN'T I SAY THERE ISN'T TO BE ANYMORE QUESTIONS!!!

Remus: CALM down! Yeesh, what's with you?

Kaori: EMOTIONAL STRESS, I told you!

Mr. Dursley hummed as he picked out his most boring tie for work,

Hagrid: If it were so boring, why'd he pick it?

All: ::gasp::

Tom: you-you--

Olive: You talked normal!

Kaori: I'll let that one go since it's his first time to talk.

Hagrid: I know! It's so tragic! Where'd my accent go? I liked my accent!

Kaori: Sorry, I can't write that drivel! You know how bad this start is already? Do you want me to get no reviews at all?!

and Mrs. Dursley gossiped away happily as she wrestled a screaming Dudley into his high chair.

Minerva: ::raising eyebrow:: How is that possible?

Kaori: ... um, mobile phone?

All but Remus: What's a mobile phone?

Remus: Really Author--

Kaori: Kaori, call me Kaori. More personal that way.

Remus: er, right, I'll sure to pass that on. But this is such a wrong time and set of people for this, don't you think?

Kaori: Right, but... I don't have a choice anymore, do I? Besides, I've already planned out my guest list!

All: ...

None of them noticed a large, tawny owl flutter past the window.

Myrtle: Oooh! I have one of those! She's the only thing that's nice to me! ::sniffs, wails::

Hagrid: ... creepy weepy girl.

At half past eight, Mr. Dursley picked up his briefcase,

Tom: ::yawns:: this is so boring.

Kaori: Dumbledore won't think so by the time this time's over.

Albus: why not?

Kaori: And stop being so quiet!

Remus: It's not our fault you're such a bad forgetful author.

Kaori: ::mumbles:: for once I'm glad I'm a disembodied voice. Just you wait!

pecked Mrs. Dursley on the cheek, and tried to kiss Dudley good-bye but missed because Dudley was now having a tantrum and throwing his cereal at the walls.

Tom: ::scowls:: Spoiled brat! If there's anything I can't stand it's a fat, selfish, Muggle brat!

Kaori: ... no comment ...

Olive: Someone's bitter about something.

"Little tyke," chortled Mr. Dursley as he left the house. He got into his car and backed out of the number four's drive.

Tom: Tyke?! TYKE!?!

Albus: ::amused:: Hm, he's the first one to crack.

Remus: ::crosses arms:: He deserves it.

It was on the corner of the street that he noticed the first sign of something peculiar--a cat reading a map.

Minerva: Maybe it's an Animagus. I've always wanted to be a cat!

Albus: I thought you're learning?

Minerva: I am, but you know that you don't ever know what you're going to be.

Remus: ::coughs::you'reacat::cough::

Minerva: What did you say?

Remus: ::grinning:: Nothing.

For a second, Mr. Dursley didn't realize what he had seen--

Myrtle: ::mock gasp:: Mrs. Dursley was snogging the woman he was having an affair with!

All: ...

Tom: Okay, I'll admit that was a little funny. Just the teeniest bit!

then he jerked his head around to look again.

Kaori: ::muttering:: why don't you all fear me? ::sniffing:: you should.

Remus: You know, you're copying this laptop thing.

Kaori: Well... it isn't a laptop. It's a radio, personal planner, dictionary, has internet capabilities, etc

Remus: Like I don't know... a laptop?!

Kaori: Not only that! It's also a game simulator, television, phone, fax, book reader, scanner, food projectile, and the generator for this bubble, which is why it is unbreakable. ::met with silence:: What? I always make weird things.

Remus: ... right, like your Crazy Couch, you mean?

Kaori: ::freezes up:: HOW DO YOU KNOW ABOUT THAT?!

Remus: There's a copy here.

Kaori: WHAT? I THOUGHT THAT THING WAS DELETED!! GIMME!!

Others: ::ignores them::

Kaori: ::whispers to the readers:: Really, I know no one understands and I rather keep it that way. Let's just say it's something I wrote before and I don't really want people to know about it, okay?

There was a tabby cat standing on the corner of Privet Drive, but there wasn't a map in sight.

Minerva: Oooh! I know what happened.

Albus: ... Are you okay?

Hagrid: Um.

What could he have been thinking?

Tom: Nothing, ::in deep, medium-like voice:: It's just a figment of your imagination!

Kaori: this is a good way to add words in my Word dictionary, so it won't catch it on spell check.

Olive: erm, that was random.

It must have bee a trick of the light.

Tom: ::sarcastically:: Noooo of course you really didn't see a cat reading a map.

Kaori: this taking forever, I'm even misspelling my name.

Mr. Dursley blinked and stared at the cat.

Minerva: ::wistful look::

Myrtle: It's you, isn't it?

Minerva: how can it? I'm not Animagus.

Remus: but this takes place in the future.

Olive: ::to Remus:: you know, you're cute.

All: ...

Kaori: Um..

It stared back. As Mr. Dursley drove around the corner and up the road, he watched the cat in his mirror.

Myrtle: The cat turned into an old Minerva!

Minerva: how do you know my name?

Myrtle: ::shrugs:: I don't know, how come I don't have a last name?

Minerva: neither do I! Why is that?

Kaori: er..

Remus: she doesn't know. But McG--

Kaori: EH! Just let me play that out! Shh!

Olive: ::drools at Remus::

It was now reading the sign that said Privet Drive--no, looking the sign; cats couldn't read maps or signs.

Hagrid: Not if it wasn't a cat.

Kaori: Okay Hagrid, ::smiles... somehow:: you'll be in charge of dramatic irony.

Hagrid: uh...

Mr. Dursley gave himself a little shake and put the cat out of his mind. As he drove toward town her thought of the nothing except a large order of drills he was hoping to get that day.

Tom One track mind, that man, isn't he?

Kaori: ::muttering:: Why? Whhhyyy?

But on the edge of town, drills were driven out of his mind by something else.

Myrtle: The thought of killing himself

Olive: You wish Turtle.

Myrtle: ::bravely:: It's Myrtle! MYR-tle!

Olive: OH, is that so?! ::ready to charge::

Remus: ::seizes staff and thwaps Olive::

Olive: Oh! ... ow... ::hurt look:: Remus! How could you?! ::cries::

Remus: ...

Myrtle: ::starry-eyed:: my hero!

All minus Olive who's crying: ...

Remus: um... yeah, I'm going to go over here... ::walks far away::

As he sat in the usual morning traffic jam, he couldn't help noticing that there seemed to be a lot of strangely dressed people about.

Albus: I resent that!

All: ...

Albus: What? I'm missing out on all the fun! I deserve to have some, I was the first character here you know!

People in cloaks. Mr. Dursley couldn't bear people who dressed in funny clothes--

Hagrid: ::gruffly:: meaning he's the one dressed all funny.

Kaori: hehe ::huggles:: I knew I you'd be up for the job!

Tom: Who's he calling funny? Bet your clothes are funnier looking than ours Muggle!

the getups you saw on young people! He supposed this was some new fashion.

Remus: Or an old one, trends tend to revolve in twenty years or so.

Minerva: Yes, I noticed that. Like this year they've ::converses with Remus::

Kaori: Yes, I'm lazy, but you don't honestly care?

Olive: ::glares at Minerva::

Myrtle: ::whispering to Hagrid:: It's really creepy how she likes him.

Hagrid: ::nods::

Olive: WHAT'S THAT?

Kaori: Stop it! ::thwaps:: No more all caps for you young lady!

Tom: You not older than us. In fact, you don't even exist yet!

Kaori: STOP GETTING OFF TOPIC! HORNBY READ!

Olive: I don't want to! And what caps? We don't have any caps.

Kaori: ... capitals. Caps is short for capitals.

Olive: What capitals?

Kaori: JUST STOP YELLING AND READ!!

Olive: ::mutters something about Kaori being able to yell which isn't fair and says bitterly:: Fine.

He drummed his fingers of the steering wheel and his eyes fell on a huddle of these weirdos standing close by. They were whispering excitedly together.

Myrtle: Probably discussing how much Mr. Dursley looks like a beetroot.

Kaori: ::coughs:: disclaimer: Which I got from Artemis Fowl by Eoin Colfer which I do not own either. Root is much better than Vernon though, isn't he?

All: uh, what?

Kaori: ::innocent-like:: oh nothing.

Remus: ::rolls eyes:: I really wish you'd stop making references to things we know nothing about.

Kaori: What's the fun in that?

Mr. Dursley was enraged to see that a couple of them weren't young at all; why, that man had to be older than her was, and wearing an emerald-green cloak!

Myrtle: It's a Slytherin, isn't it?

Olive: ::sniff:: you are so stereotypically.

Hagrid: That's so wrong coming from you.

Olive: Huh?

Hagrid: ::shakes head:: Why am I around these people?

Myrtle: What's that suppose to mean?

The nerve of him! But then it struck Mr. Dursley that this was probably some silly stunt--these people were obviously collecting for some thing...

Tom: Yes, Dursley, they're collecting money to petition a dementor out of Azkaban to perform a kiss on you, since you Muggles certainly don't deserve your souls. Ah! That's an idea!

All: ...

Tom: Memo to self: Release dementors on unsuspecting Muggles.

Albus: You can't do that.

Tom: I can do what I want!

Minerva: ::rolls eyes:: What a baby.

Albus: He has family issues.

Minerva: Why's that?

Albus: he hasn't any.

Minerva: Ah... that explains it.

yes, that would be it. The traffic moved on and a few minutes later, Mr. Dursley arrived in the Grunnings parking lot, his mind back on drills.

Tom: See? Didn't I say so? One track mind.

Albus: I wonder what kind of drills though. For dentists or something?

Minerva: Dentists? Who are they?

Mr. Dursley always sat with his back to the window in his office on the ninth floor.

Olive: ::whistles:: That's high up.

Tom: Well he is the director, Hornby, you idiot.

Olive: Why I ought to--

Kaori: Well, you ain't gonna do nothing, so shut it and read.

Remus: You know how grammatically incorrect that sentence what? And not to mention two of those aren't words at all?

Kaori: You aren't my muse, so stop correcting me! I'm the AUTHOR. OKAY? I'M in charge, NOT any of you!

Remus: You're going to exam stress aren't you?

Kaori: .... Oh shut up.

If he hadn't, he might found it harder to concentrate on drills that morning.

Tom: ::opens mouth and closes it::

Hagrid: What was that about?

Tom: I was going to do a perverted joke but I lost it.

Kaori: You guys talk too much.

Minerva: ...

He didn't see the owls swooping past in broad daylight,

Tom: Why are they though?

Myrtle: Maybe Grindelwald's defeated at last!

Remus: Nope. Grindelwald's long gone by this time.

Albus: Ah, I remember the last time a dark wizard was defeated. Disaster that was, with the leprechauns and the dragons and all.

Olive: How old are you old man?

though people down in the street did; they pointed and gazed open-mouthed as owl after owl sped overhead. Most of them had never seen an owl even at nighttime.

Tom: deprived, aren't they?

Mr. Dursley, however, had a perfectly normal, owl-free morning. He yelled at five different people. He made several important telephone calls and shouted a bit more.

Olive: He seems to like shouting very much.

Hagrid: ::snorts:: yeah, unlike you who's so quiet and calm.

Olive: ... what's THAT suppose to mean?

He was in a very good mood until lunchtime, when he thought he'd stretch his legs and walk across the road to buy himself a bun from the bakery.

Remus: What's my purpose here, anyway?

Kaori: To keep objective. Besides, you're here to amuse me in the next part. Sirius will be here next chapter.

Remus: ... but he's--!

Kaori: QUIET MORTAL! THIS IS MY WORLD!

Remus: uh, NO. It's not. And you are more mortal than I will ever be.

Kaori: yeah, I know, you guys will live forever in the minds of people in books while I rot in my grave.

Myrtle: Morbid, aren't you?

Kaori: You're one to talk!

Myrtle: Moody too.

Kaori: ... I can't have this conversation. Excuse me, I need to stuff myself with glucose.

Remus & Minerva: ::calls after her though they know it's useless:: Don't, we don't want you hyper!

He's forgotten all about the people in cloaks until he passed a group of them next to the baker's.

Minerva: Really, I understand this is from a Muggle book, but why would wizards and witches not dress up in public? It's absolutely ludicrous!

He eyed them angrily as he passed. He didn't know why, but they made him uneasy.

Remus: Because they're your worst fear come true?

Minerva: Actually, he's the kind that would possibly freak out at thing little thing like that. Who knows? He's the freak.

This bunch were whispering excitedly, too, and he couldn't see a single collecting tin.

Tom: How sad, and they were doing so well.

All: ...

Tom: Oh sorry, that's from my little bit, wasn't it? Getting lost in my own fantasy, heh.

Hagrid: Notice he doesn't apologize.

It was on his way back past them, clutching a large doughnut

Minerva: ::sniffs indignantly::

Myrtle: No wonder he's an ugly old brute.

Tom: What does Mrs. Dursley see in him?

Olive: heh, who knows. They deserve each other.

Tom: No, I was serious. What does she see in him?

All: ... um...

Hagrid: ::to Albus:: Why is he asking?

Albus: I don't know, but frankly, that's creepy, even for me.

in a bag he caught a few words of what they were saying.

"The Potters, that's right, that's what I heard--"

"--yes, their son, Harry--"

Remus: ::lets out a brief, high-pitched squeal::

All: ::stare at him::

Remus: ::squeakily:: Sorry.

Mr. Dursley stopped dead. Fear flooded him. He looked at the whisperers as if he wanted to say something to them, but thought better of it.

Remus: If they knew what you'd do to him, I'm sure they would've cursed you right there and the Ministry wouldn't have cared.

Albus: Excuse me?

He dashed back across the road, hurried up to his office,

Tom: Look the fatso runs! What a scary sight!

Minerva: And you were doing so well.

Albus: At least he tired not to me immature.

snapped at his secretary

Hagrid: Temper, temper. Tsk, tsk.

not to disturb him seize his telephone, and had almost finished dialing his home number when he changed his mind.

All: Well, that was quick.

He put the receiver back down and stroked his mustache,

Myrtle: What are you? Honestly, who does this guy think he is? What a jerk! He's making Muggles look so bad!

thinking... no, he was being stupid. Potter wasn't such an unusual name.

Tom: Oh no, it's not like it's oh, ORIGIRLASNWEINHUNGERDAL.

All: ...

Tom: I'M BORED! Gimme a break!

Kaori: Why should we? ::grumbles:: Evil freak.

Remus: Or, I don't know, Voldemort?

Tom: ::frozen in place, with a fierce sneer at Remus::

Minerva: So you're back.

Kaori: Yep.

Olive: We had a much better, quieter time without you.

Albus: We had been progressing so nicely.

Kaori: ... You guys so mean!

Remus: I see the sugar did nothing for you but make you more childish.

He was sure there were lots of people called Potters who had a son called Harry.

Tom: ::weakly:: Sure. Tons.

Kaori: Plenty enough.

Remus: You--

Kaori: THAT'S IT! I'M LEAVING!

All: ...

Remus: I didn't even say anything... yet.

All: ::thanks and congratulates Remus::

Come to think of it, he wasn't even sure his nephew was called Harry.

Hagrid: Meaning that's exactly what his name is.

He'd never seen the boy. It might have been Harvey. Or Harold.

Hagrid: Or not.

Minerva: Well, he's pretty sure that it starts with H-A-R.

There was no point in worrying Mrs. Dursley; she always got so upset at the mention of her sister.

Tom: Aw, was the little Muggle jealous of her Mudblood sister? How pathetic. Only Muggles could--

Minerva: ::punches him::

Albus: ::laughs:: Good show!

Remus: ::smiles proudly at McGonagall:: Figures she'd stand up for one of her favorites, no matter how indirectly.

Minerva: Huh?

Remus: Lily.

Minerva: um...

Remus: Never mind, you'll see in like twenty years or so.

He didn't blame her--if he'd had a sister like that...

Remus: ::glares:: YOU'D WHAT?

Tom: ::groggily, getting up:: Touchy aren't you?

Remus: HE'S TALKING ABOUT MY BEST FRIEND'S WIFE AND MY FRIEND! ::kicks him:: That's for calling her that.

Tom: Why are you call beating on me?! I'M THE BEST IN SCHOOL!

Remus: So? My friends were the best and they were also jerks at your age!

Myrtle: ::mutter:: not sure that's something to be proud of.

Hagrid: Eh?

Remus: BUT THEY WERE GOOD PEOPLE!

but all the same, those people in cloaks...

He found it a lot harder to concentrate on drills that afternoon

Myrtle: ::bitterly:: Good, maybe he lost money for it too.

Hagrid: You've been quiet.

Myrtle: Been crying.

Hagrid: Ah.

and when he left the building at five o'clock, he was still so worried that he walked straight into someone just outside the door.

Albus: Maybe it's me! ::laughs:: Just kidding. Why I be on here?

Remus: ...

"Sorry," he grunted, as the tiny old man stumbled and almost fell.

Remus: ::musing:: tiny old man...

Minerva: huh, sounds kind of like someone I know. Except he isn't that old.

It a few seconds before Mr. Dursley realized that the man was wearing a violate cloak. He didn't seem at all upset at being almost knocked to the ground.

All: why not? I would!

On the contrary, his face split into a wide smile and he said in a squeaky voice

Remus & Minerva: ::gasps:: Flitwick! ::turn to each other:: You know Flitwick?

Albus: ::raises an eyebrow:: Must ask Filius about that later. ::conjures ink, quill and parchment::

Olive: You're actually doing that old man?

Albus: Why yes Miss Hornby. ::writing:: "Dear Filius, did you happen to once hug one Vernon Dursley around the middle after one Harry Potter happened to vanquish some dark lord? Have a nice day, Albus."

Tom: You can't be sure of that.

Albus: I'm pretty sure Mr. Riddle.

that made passerby stare, "Don't be sorry, my dear sir, for nothing could upset me today! Rejoice, for You-Know-Who

Tom: No, I don't know who.

Remus: ::mumbles:: it's you dumbass.

Minerva: the Dark Lord, obviously. They like acronyms and pseudonym and such.

Tom: But You-Know-Who? Not very scary.

Myrtle: Well, maybe they're too scared to say the actually... erm, fake name.

Tom: Huh, so that's really cool then! Note to self: Steal that idea too.

Remus: ::rolls eyes:: I'm not afraid to say your--::sweetly:: I mean, his name.

Tom: ::glares::

has gone at last! Even Muggles like yourself should be celebrating, this happy, happy day!"

Tom, Olive, and Minerva: ...

Hagrid: Maybe a dark lord was defeated!

Myrtle: Or they got cheese.

Remus: ...

Albus: ::half giggles::

And the old man hugged Mr. Dursley around the middle and walked off.

Tom: Oh ew, someone hugged him?! It's hard enough to picture how he could reprod--

Minerva: Do not complete that sentence, please.

Tom: ::cheekily:: Well, since you so nicely said please.

Mr. Dursley stood rooted to the spot. He had been hugged by a complete stranger.

Remus: Good for him.

He also thought he had been called a Muggle, whatever that was.

Myrtle: A Muggle is a non-magical person.

Tom: Like your parents, Mudblood.

Minerva: THAT'S IT! STOP USING THAT WORD! ::takes the floating staff, which has been on the tree and strikes him with it::

He was rattled.

All: ...

Tom: ::from the ground:: I know the feeling. Ugh, I'm covered with... with... GRASS STAINS! This will go take forever to clean! ::goes to the shore to clean his clothes::

Minerva: ::mutters:: Stupid baby.

He hurried to his car and set off for his home, hoping he was imagining things,

Hagrid: Which he all know he wasn't.

Olive: Who knows maybe he had gone crazy.

which had he had never hoped before, because he didn't approve of imagination.

Minerva: ::tuttering::

As he pulled into the driveway of number four, the first thing he saw--and it didn't improve his mood--was the tabby cat he'd spotted that morning.

Minerva: The author--of the story, I mean--seems to mention this a lot. Maybe it's important.

Albus: Guaranteed. Hey maybe I show up here to meet you!

Minerva: Why though?

Albus: To talk about how the new dark lord was defeated?

Remus: ::coughs::

It was now sitting on his garden wall. He was sure it was the same one; it had the same markings around its eyes.

Albus: Markings from glasses, maybe?

Minerva: ::cheerily:: Common traits lingering from the change maybe.

"Shoo!" said Mr. Dursley loudly.

Olive: Like THAT ever works.

Hagrid: Well the proper-- ::starts lecturing her on proper ways to shoo a cat, no I will not elaborate::

The cat didn't move. It just gave him a stern look.

Kaori: I know I'm lazy! You don't have to mean about it!

All: ...

Tom: That was the story stupid.

Remus: Oh, you're back?

Kaori: I never left. I just watched you all. And fine, you're right. Better not gloat.

Tom: He was talking to me, whatever you name is.

Remus: Nope, actually I hadn't noticed you were gone.

Kaori: Heh, that was prefect, wow... Didn't even notice.

All: eh?

Kaori: Nothing.

Was this normal cat behavior?

Minerva: For my cat, yes it is. She gets it from me.

Albus: Yes, but she does seem to like me and my quirks.

Minerva: She's strange.

Albus: I know, but so am I..

Mr. Dursley wondered. Trying to pull himself together, he let himself into the house. He was still determined not to mention anything to his wife.

Hagrid: Which means he will.

Remus: And ruin his happy life.

Tom: Someone's not getting laid tonight.

Minerva: ::thwaps him::

Kaori: Ah, my resident thwapper. I thank thee.

All: ...

Mrs. Dursley had had a nice, normal day. She told him over dinner all about Mrs. Next Door's

Myrtle: Hi Mrs. Next Door, how are you?

Hagrid: Tell me, Mrs. Next Door, how do you like being stalked by the giraffe you call a neighbor?

problems with her daughter and how Dudley had learn a new word ("Won't!").

Tom: Figures. Spoiled little Muggle brat. ::goes on grumbling sulkily::

Mr. Dursley tried to act normally. When Dudley had been put to bed, he went into the living room in time to catch the last report on the evening news:

Tom: Trippy.

The rest: What?

Tom: That will be my catch phrase. Trippy.

"And finally, bird-watchers everywhere have reported that the nation's owls have been behaving very unusually today.

Albus: No so unusual, only happens fifty or so years at a times when a talented young ::cough::ornotsoyoung:: wizard saves the world from destruction.

Tom: And how many of those have you seen old man?

Minerva: ::thwaps him::

Tom: Ouch! What was that for?!

Minerva: Don't call him an old man!

Tom: Fine, I won't call your hero an old man, ::whispers:: but he is, wily old bastard.

Although owls normally hunt at night and are hardly ever seen in daylight, there have been hundreds of sightings of these birds flying in every direction since sunrise. Experts are unable to explain why the owls have suddenly changed their sleeping pattern."

Tom: ::yawns:: Really, is that so?

Hagrid: Sarcasm will get you nowhere.

Tom: I have plenty of places to go.

Minerva: ::sigh:: Why can't he be just a normal social ladder climber?

Remus: Because Ms. Rowling needs a villain after all.

Kaori: We're more than halfway through this part, so please keep going.

The newscaster allowed himself a grin. "Most mysterious. And now, over to Jim Mc.Guffin with the weather. Going to be anymore showers of owls tonight, Jim?"

Tom: NO, MORTAL! FEAR ME!!

All: ...

Tom: WHAT?! I'm bored!!

Kaori: That's my line!

Tom: You probably stole it from someone else!

Kaori: If I did I wouldn't know about it!

All: um.

Kaori: I know it's not a good comeback, but it's the truth!

Remus: You're too honest to be in this business.

Kaori: ::bitter laugh:: no, I'm not. Ah, let me... ::a book shelf appears but a bubble is around it:: Forget it for now, okay? It'll be for sometime later.

Tom: Then why did you conjure it now?

Kaori: Because!

Remus: Because she needs to make this long, don't you?

Kaori: Aw, it's so nice to have someone who gets it!

"Well, Ted," said the weatherman, "I don't know about that, but it's not only the owls that have been acting oddly today.

Olive: Really? How'd you know about Mr. Dursley? I didn't know he was famous.

Hagrid: But I'm sure he'd love to be, stupid git.

Viewers as far apart as Kent, Yorkshire, and Dundee

Kaori: Dundee is in Scotland, so I'm guessing one of those places is in Wales and one is in England.

Remus: Why do you think that?

Kaori: Because I can't find it on the map, because I'm guessing, and because that seems the most logical thing to do if it's really that "far apart," so it would makes sense the it should be from all corners of the UK.

All: er...

Minerva: That... makes sense.

Remus: The last part at least.

Kaori: ::grins:: Well, I had to do something if I wasn't actually doing my actual homework.

have been phoning in to tell me that instead of the rain I promised yesterday, they've had a downpour of shooting stars!

Tom: ::loudly:: TRIPPY!

All: eh...

Remus: Lordy Voldy here just wanted to actually use that word though he knows there isn't a use for it.

Tom: ... shut up you. YOU'LL BE THE FIRST, YOU HERE! AS SOON AS YOU'RE BORN, I'LL AVADA KERVADA YOU!

Remus: ::sweat drop::

Hagrid: here, though it isn't an anime, "sweat drop" which here means that the character that is doing it is exasperate. It could also be done by having a character or characters fall and their legs in the air.

Kaori: ::whispers:: Disclaimer:: got that from A Series of Unfortunate Events by Lemony Snicket. I do not own that either.

All: uh...

Kaori: There is a reason for this you know!

Remus: Yes, she doesn't want people to sue her.

Kaori: Besides, I'm broke.

Remus: You are not. How can you post this if you are? I'm not a Muggle, but I'm pretty sure the Internet cost money.

Kaori: shhhh!

Perhaps people have been celebrating Bonfire Night early--it's not until next week, folks! But I can promise a wet night tonight."

Remus: Bonfire night? Hm... Oh dear, that was the day of my monthly--

Tom: What? You PMS?

Minerva: ::thwaps::

Tom: ::cries:: stop it! That thing hurts!

Minerva: ::menacing soft but intimidating:: then you'll do to play dead, won't you?

Mr. Dursley sat frozen in his armchair.

Tom, Myrtle: Because he had eaten so much.

Minerva: You know, I don't like him either, but cut it out with the fat jokes.

Myrtle: But I only make fun of him because he's mean.

Tom: and I make fun of him because I'm evil.

Shooting stars all over Britain? Owls flying by daylight?

Albus: Yes, that's what he said.

Tom: Which isn't that uncommon, as well, a rampaging dragon loose on the general population of Britain. Boy, that would be fun.

Mysterious people in cloaks all over the place? And a whisper, a whisper about the Potters...

All: Uh-huh, you aren't dreaming.

Mrs. Dursley came into the living room carrying two cups of tea. It was no good. He'd have to say something to her.

Hagrid: Really, you do give up too easily, don't you?

He cleared his throat nervously. "Er--Petunia,

Tom: ::snorts then burst into a hilarious fit of laughter: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

All: ....

Minerva: Did he just... snort?

All but Tom: er, yes.

Minerva: ::rolls eyes::

dear--you haven't heard from your sister lately, have you?"

Myrtle: ::as Petunia:: Why yes, she called to tell me you're an arse and I should've married her husband's friend.

Remus: ... No, trust me, you wouldn't.

As he expected, Mrs. Dursley looked shocked and angry.

Myrtle: ::as Petunia:: No! Not since she abandoned me in this hellhole with you!

Minerva: You've just contradicted what you said before.

Myrtle: ::stares at her:, and says defiantly:: So?

Minerva: ::blinks::

After all, they normally pretended she didn't have a sister.

"No," she said sharply, "Why?"

Myrtle: ::as Mr. Dursley:: Because I heard you had a rather inappropriate "relationship" with her and I need talk to you about how--

Minerva: Okay, stop it, that's gross.

Myrtle: ::pouts, then starts crying::

"Funny stuff on the news," Mr. Dursley mumbled. "Owls... shooting stars... and there was a lot of funny-looking people in town today..."

All: ::glare::

"So?" snapped Mrs. Dursley.

Tom: Yeah! SO?

Remus: Do you like her or something?

Tom: No. ::disgusted look:: She's a Muggle! Why would you ever think I like her! ::looks sick::

Minerva: ::frowns and mutters something about "the insufferable git"::

"Well, I just thought... maybe... it was something to do with... you know... her crowd."

Mrs. Dursley sipped her tea through pursed lips.

Remus & Minerva: How is that possible?

Remus: ::to Kaori:: You're getting lazy.

Kaori: Eh... I'm typing a lot, I have to make up for the couple days I missed... almost... there... ::slumps::

Olive: ::sighs, glances at Remus:: Her, Remus, will you be my boyfriend?

Remus: NO! A. I'm so much older than you are, and even look older than I really am and B. EW, why would I want to go with a mean girl like you?

Olive: ::tear eyed::

Remus: ::uncomfortable:: Oh, don't cry.

Olive: ::squeals, hugs him::

Kaori: ::groans:: Albus, read, please.

Remus: ::grimaces::

Albus: ::glances one last pitiful look at Remus before reading in a clear voice::

Mr. Dursley wondered whether he dared tell her he'd heard the name "Potter." He decided he didn't dare.

Minerva: Good choice for once.

Myrtle: At least it's good he knows what would happen otherwise.

Remus: Probably the last good thing that he would ever do that he won't regret.

Albus: ::mysteriously:: or maybe the beginning.

Instead he said, as casually as he could. "Their son--he'd be about Dudley's age now, wouldn't he?"

Remus: Harry!

All: ??

Remus: Never mind.

"I suppose so," said Mrs. Dursley stiffly.

"What his name again? Howard, isn't it?"

"Harry. Nasty common name, if you ask me."

Remus: ::growls, Olive leaps away from him::

"Oh yes," said Mr. Dursley, his hear sinking horribly. "Yes, I quite agree."

Remus: I DON'T!

Kaori: It's much more fun if he's mad at someone else. ^-^

All: ...

Tom: uh, what on Earth is that thing?

Kaori: ::indignant:: Hmp! It's called smiley, I'll have you know.

"He didn't say another word

Myrtle: You promise?

on the subject as they went upstairs to bed.

Olive: To do some lovin'--

Minerva: ::thwaps::

While Mrs. Dursley was in the bathroom,

Tom: Where she--

Minerva: ::glares::

Tom: eep... never mind. Not worth it.

Mr. Dursley crept to the bedroom window and peered down into the front garden. The cat was still there. It was staring down Privet Drive as though it were waiting for something.

Minerva: Yes! It was waiting for Albus Dumbledore!

Remus: ::to Kaori, glancing at this laptop-not-laptop thing:: Why does this say that you've made this PG-13, nothing really inappropriate has been said. McGon--Minerva, I mean, makes sure of that.

Kaori: ::whispers:: well, even McGonagall can't stop Sirius Black from being an idiot, and he's up next. You know it won't stay nice and clean--as clean as this can be anyway.

Remus: yes, Sirius did come up with a lot of innuendo, even if it's completely unrelated.

Kaori: Especially a fifteen year old version of him.

Remus: ...

Kaori: What? You heard me.

Remus: Yep, this group is doomed.

Was he imagining things?

Hagrid: I thought he established this, NO!

Remus: It really is disturbing to hear Hagrid... be so articulate.

Kaori: the power of enunciation is all, my friend.

Could all this have anything to do with the Potters?

All: By the title of the book, OBVIOUSLY!

Remus: there's an American word for this, DUH!

Kaori: ... why are... Oh never mind, I'll never get you people.

... if it got out that they were related to a pair of

All: OF WHAT?

--well, he didn't think he could bare it.

Remus: I don't think they could bare being related to you when they were alive.

All: ... what?

Remus: ::groans:: never mind.

The Dursleys got into bed.

Minerva: If any of you say a word...

::crickets::

Minerva: Good.

Mrs. Dursley fell asleep

Tom: ::bits lip::

quickly but Mr. Dursley lay awake, turning it all over in his mind. His last comforting thought before he fell asleep was that even if the Potters were involved, there was no reason for them to come near him and Mrs. Dursley.

Remus: Ah, if only...

The Potters knew very well what he and Petunia thought about them and their kind...

Remus: But apparently you don't know what they think of you.

He couldn't see how he and Petunia could get mixed up in anything that might be going on--he yawned and turned over--it couldn't affect them...

Tom: How very wrong he was.

How very wrong he was.

All: ...

Tom: ::thrilled:: TRIPPY!

Remus: ::glares::

Kaori: Ugh, so tired... So close, but so far away...

Myrtle: Why don't you end it, you've got seventy-five percent, don't you?

Kaori: .... How do you know about that?

Myrtle: ::holds up laptop-not-laptop::

Kaori: My MULTI-PURPOSE THINGY!

Remus: I thought it was called--

Kaori: I'M TOO LAZY TO CHECK! Anyway, while usually most end here--or sooner--I'm doing half the chapter or third or whatever, anything under ten pages.

Minerva: How many is this?

Kaori: ... nine. It's the US paper edition, I thought I told you?

Mr. Dursley might have been drifting into an uneasy sleep, but the cat on the wall outside was showing no sign of sleepiness.

Minerva: Nope, too many sleepless nights studying.

Tom: You really think that's you, don't you?

Minerva: it's been accurate so far... it's got to be me! It has to be!

It was sitting as still as a statue,

Albus: Sounds like you in school, Minerva.

Minerva: ::scowls:: how would you know?

Tom: ::raises an eyebrow::

its eyes fixed unblinkingly on the far corner of Privet Drive. It didn't so much as quiver when a car door slammed on the next street,

Myrtle: Got a lot of nerve, that cat

Hagrid: What's so scary about a car door slamming that it would quiver?

Albus: the shock of just hearing it out of no where, but Minerva's a bag of nerves.

Minerva: Is that suppose to be a compliment?

nor when two owls swooped overhead. In fact, it was nearly midnight before the cat moved at all.

Olive: We're almost done!

Kaori: Then keep going!

Remus: You're the lazy one.

Kaori: Rem, I loff you, but I will thwap you.

Remus: ...

The rest: ...loff?

Kaori: yes, loff. Or would you prefer luv?

Remus: ...uh, loff's fine.

A man appeared on the corner the cat had been watching,

All:...

Minerva: I was right!

Tom: You don't know it's him.

Minerva: It is! Just watch!

Tom: Bet you ten galleons then.

Minerva: ::waves the thwapping staff in front of his face:: NO.

Tom: ::gulps::

appeared so suddenly and silently, you'd have thought he'd just popped out of the ground.

Myrtle: He Apparated!

All: ::rolls eyes:: obviously!

The cat's tail twitched and its eyes narrowed.

Albus: ::turning to Minerva:: why are you mad at me?

Nothing like this man had ever been seen on Privet Drive.

Tom: I seriously don't doubt that.

Myrtle: I do!

Tom: You're just looking for a reason to argue with me Mudblood, why don't you just cry your eyes out?

Myrtle: ::fists shaking::

He was tall, thin, and very old,

All but Myrtle and Minerva: ::looks at Albus::

judging by the silver of his hair,

Albus: Ha!

Remus: But this is like... fifty or so years later, remember?

Albus: ...oh... right...

and his beard, which were both long enough to tuck into his belt.

Minerva: It is you! I know it! ::mutters:: I'm pretty sure anyway.

Albus: Well, my hair is getting longer and longer.

Remus: It's you.

He was wearing long robes, a purple cloak that swept the ground, and high-heeled, buckled boots.

Tom: all right, it is sounding more and more like...

Minerva: ::frantically:: It's him!

His blue eyes were light, bright, and sparkling behind half moon spectacles

Albus: ah... maybe...

All: ::lamely:: It's you.

Minerva: ::adds hopefully:: Like I said. ::mutters:: I should have taken that bet. Damn me for being so careful.

and his nose was very long and crooked, as though it had been broken at least twice.

All: ::look at him::

Albus: ... I don't want to talk about it. It would be a very traumatizing thing for you all to hear.

Remus: you mean, that Kaori is being lazy.

Kaori: Why must you mock me so Remy?!

Remus: because I you gave me the knowledge of fandom. ::points to laptop-not-laptop::

Kaori: ::sweat drop:: I really need a name for that.

This man's name was Albus Dumbledore.

All: ...

Minerva: Hahaha! ::jumps up and does a little victory dance: I KNEW IT! HAHA!

All: @_@

Albus Dumbledore didn't seem to realize that he had just arrived in a street where everything from his name to his boots was unwelcome.

Tom: What? He doesn't realize he's unwelcome where ever I am, so it's not surprising.

Minerva: ::thwaps::

Tom: Aaah! That is really bugging me!!!

He was busy rummaging in his cloak, looking for something. But he did seem to realize he was being watched,

Myrtle: By everyone on the street who thought he looked positively mad.

Albus: I daresay they probably did...or will... whatever.

Myrtle: ::blinks, blushes::

All: ...

Tom: That's just wrong, stop it whatever-your-name-is.

Kaori: She's just grateful! And the name is KAORI! Or you may call me your... ALL POWERFUL, ALL-SEEING AUTHOR!! MWUHAHA---wait, which is more intimidating, mwahaha or bwahaha? Or with a 'u'?

All: ...

Minerva: you've defeated the purpose, you know.

Kaori: ::grumbles:: all right, all right... have it your way, just call me...

Tom: author?

Myrtle: authoress?

Olive: writer person?

Albus: Kaori?

Kaori: ... Lillyanna. Or Lillyanna* (with asterisk!), if you wish...

All: uh...

Kaori: okay, Lillyanna without the asterisk then. ::mutters:: stupid MST-ers can't ever get it right.

Remus: I got it right!

Kaori: I didn't mean you dearie!

Remus: ... I want to take that back. ::dully:: I don't know how to pronounce your name.

Kaori: I'd blow raspberry if I knew how and didn't think it was so gross.

Olive: You are so pathetic.

Kaori: Coming from you? Why thank you for point something I already know.

because he looked up suddenly at the cat, which was still staring at him from the other end of the street. For some reason, the sight of the cat seemed to amuse him.

Tom: Why? I would have found it kind of creepy.

He chuckled and muttered, "I should have known."

All: eh?

Albus: ::weak smile:: That it's Minerva?

Minerva: ::smiles sweetly and smug::

Kaori: If that's possible.

All: ::funny looks::

Kaori: STOP LOOKING AT ME LIKE THAT!

Olive: How?

The rest: eh?

Olive: How can we even look at you, if we can't see you?

Tom: My heart be still! Hornby made sense!

Olive: I'm not dumb!

Kaori: ... ::tiredly:: just finish, please.

He found what he was looking for in his inside pocket. It seemed to be a silver cigarette lighter.

Girls: tsk, tsk. Smoking is bad for your health.

Albus: It's not like I can help the smoke, Fawks has to burst into flames, you know.

All but Minerva: huh?

Minerva: ...

He flicked it open, held it up in the air, and clicked it. The nearest street lamp went out with a little pop.

Tom: ::realization dawning:: Ohhh! Those thingies! How'd you get one?

Albus: It's not like they're hard to find.

He clicked again--the next lamp flickered into darkness. Twelve times he clicked the Put-Outer,

Hagrid: Oh that's creative.

Myrtle: You're being sarcastic, right?

Hagrid: well, look who's being brave.

Myrtle: ... ::burst into tears::

Hagrid: uh...

until the only light left on the whole street were two pinpricks in the distance, which were the eyes of the cat watching him.

Minerva: ::to Myrtle, who's trying to drown herself in the bit of lake bubbled in with them, but keeps failing:: You seriously need work on your self-esteem dear.

Myrtle: Just... let... me... die!

Remus: You really don't know what you're wishing for.

If anyone looked out of their window now, even beady-eyes Mrs. Dursley, they wouldn't be able to see anything that was happening down on the pavement.

Kaori: ::grumbles:: not the way they light it in the movie...

All: Movie??

Kaori: ... I really just should've done the movies... ::sigh:: but then I'd have to wait for the PoA DVD... which would come early next year... ::cries:: I DON'T WANT MY SCHOOL TO BE TAKEN OVER BY THE STATE!!

Remus: erm, that was random.

Kaori: Sorry, personal problems. Well, not personal per say, but like--

Tom: NO ONE cares! And I know the readers agree with me!

Dumbledore slipped the Put-Outer back inside his cloak and set off down the street toward number four, where he sat down on the wall next to the cat. He didn't look at it, but after a moment he spoke to it.

"Fancy seeing you here, Professor McGonagall."

Minerva: eh?

All: McGonagall?

Albus: Isn't that your sweetheart, eh, Minerva?

Minerva: ::stares blankly at the screen, mouth open slightly, faint blush on her cheeks::

He turned to smile at the tabby, but it had gone.

Tom: It was replace by...

All: ?

Tom: hehe, I forgot!

All: ::sweat drop::

Kaori: haaaaaaaa...... anime ::drool:: .hack//SIGN... ::coughs:: disclaimer: which isn't mine either.

All: erm.

Instead he was smiling at a rather severe-looking woman

Tom: oh ::disappointed:: it probably is Minerva then.

Minerva: hmp. ::thwaps::

Tom: ::squeaks:: ow.

who was wearing square glasses exactly the shape of the markings the cat had around its eyes.

All by Minerva: It is her!

Minerva: ::smugly, pushing her square glasses up:: told you so!

Tom: Don't be so...

Minerva: Smug?

Tom: I was avoiding that word.

Minerva: ::blinks:: why?

Tom: Because she used it.

Minerva: And may I ask how do you know?

Tom: ::smugly:: Because I am all-knowing! And she's probably using it to describe me for lack of a better word.

She, too, was wearing a cloak, an emerald one. Her black hair was drawn into a tight bun. She looked distinctly ruffled.

Minerva: ::frowns:: hmp.

Albus: It is right though, you really get that way when you're upset about something.

Minerva: But what would I be so upset about?

Remus: You don't want to know, but I suspect we will anyway.

"How did you know it was me?" She asked.

Minerva: Yes, I'd like to know too.

Kaori: ::sigh:: I'm writing you all Out Of Character, aren't I?

Remus: don't worry, MSTs usually are...

Kaori: It doesn't matter anymore! ::cries::

Tom: You're the one who brought us here.

Kaori: ::sniffs:: I wish I didn't...

Remus: Too late to complain.

Minerva: Yes, you're very whiny.

Kaori: ... this isn't happening...

Albus: Oh don't fuss Miss... um?

Kaori: Otome.

Albus: Miss Otome, there's nothing to be so depressed about.

Olive: THIS IS THE LAST LINE! STOP IT! Let it finish so we can have some peace at last!

"My dear Professor, I've never seen a cat sit so stiffly."

Tom & Olive: Aaahhh! Thank God!

Kaori: ::to Tom:: I thought you didn't believe in God...

Tom: Well, I don't. It's a figure of speech for me. I am God.

Kaori: ... you sound like Sirius. Ah, bee tee double-you--

All: bee tee double-you?

Kaori: erm... that was weird. What I mean is, by the way... he'll [Sirius] will be probably the one to introduce you into the world of fandom and fanon.

Remus: Are you sure he's the one best for that?

Kaori: Not really, bit it'll surely be so much fun, won't it?

Remus: Well, you apparently have something for self-hate. You have low self esteem, don't you?

Kaori: ::rolls eyes:: ... OH! And something to make this easier...

Suddenly there was a girl leaning on the tree. She had small fake wings on her back like Subaru from .hack//SIGN, but dressed like an Acolyte from Ragnarok Online and has hair like Tamao from Shaman King with a staff from Yuna in Final Fantasy X (All which are not necessary to say, but if someone knows all of it, they can be an extra guest). She wrinkled her nose in annoyance, "Right, disclaimer: all references that were just made is not mine and owned by various companies and such." She groaned, "I should have just done this in the disclaimer thing... or just not made those references. Arrrgggh!!"

Albus, Hagrid, Minerva, Myrtle, Olive, Remus, and Tom stared at her and blinked.

"I know, it's a bit overdone," she muttered. "But it's easier than doing facial features as a disembodied voice. Besides, this is just a doll. I'll never look like this."

Remus raises an eyebrow at her, "Don't you have over seventy-five percent?"

Kaori consults a pink book with some flowers, ignoring him, "Hm, should Trelawney in chapter three?"

Myrtle squealed at the book, "Is that--?!"

"NO!! I DON'T WANT TO DO ANOTHER DISCLAIMER!! Next time! And I'll also put you lot closer so you won't be so distinctly off every comment."

"Er, Lillyanna," Tom said tentatively, "It's that time of month for you, isn't it?"

Kaori blinked at him, flushed and slapped him.

"Ow. Ah, forget it. That was bound to happen."

"But I like Barbies!" Myrtle whined.

"Which is owned by Mattel and so forth which I don't own because I don't own anything," Kaori grumbled. "I don't care. I'm not going to get you any Barbies, and this was a Christmas gift from a long, long time go, so I don't care if it is Barbie!" Myrtle looked hurt, as always, and ran to the shore.

"You still didn't answer my question," Remus piped up.

Kaori frowned at him and muttered, "Really using myself too much on this. Probably won't have the next one typed 'til next month. Too many projects from English and Creative Writing. I am so going to exhaust my ink."

"Hello?"

"Oh, right!" She said in a fake hearty voice a little bit like Harry in the Order of the Phoenix, bur not really. "Well..." A calculator appears.

Remus watched her as she finished and sighed in a sad voice, "No. Not seventy-five yet. Let me add some comments. See? Progress! You people are out of your minds."

"Not really, but you kind of are," Minerva told her as she conjured a picnic blanket and set it on the grass, and sat amused twirling her thwapping staff, "Is that the master guest list?" She gestured to the pink book that Kaori had out again.

"Yeah, but it can be changed. Also, I forgot to add if there's anything wrong with the text, it's all my fault."

"Of course it is."

Remus added, "You might've finished faster if you didn't split it in half. Or if you're more proficient."

"But I'm not!"

"Exactly."

"I like you Remus (you're my number five on my favorite HP character and in the top twenty on my all-time list), but why are you purposely annoying me?"

Remus shrugged, "Ask Sirius or James when they get here."

"I will. They've obviously corrupted you."

"You might have added too much," Remus added again but was being ignored once more.

Tom said in a bored voice, "What are we suppose to do while we wait for you to type the next one?"

"... play chess? OH! That reminds me, I need reviewers to vote in a person! A permanent one, but just not one in present (Harry's time), or MWPP time and not Trelawney or the Founders... well, okay, Founders are fine but I plan them doing Cee-ooh-ess." A large sweat drop appeared by her head. She stared at it and another appeared. "Argh!" She swatted it away, throwing it at Tom.

"WHY DO YOU PICK ON ME!"

"Because I don't like you and you're evil, so... just take a break!" It was very obvious to the MSTers that she was the frustrated and losing her sanity.

"Are you done?"

"Yes, Remus, I almost am. Thank goodness."

"Thank God."

"You're welcome."

"Not you Riddle."

"Hmp."

Myrtle started crying and Olive splashed her with water. Hagrid broke a branch off the beech tree and started to whittle a flute. Tom started to play chess with Minerva, who was winning and Albus was commentating on their game. Remus is consulting the laptop-not-laptop, which is to say; he's reading fan fiction.

Kaori groaned again, "I really should've just done the movie. I could've been snarky then. Ah, see next time folks. If any of you like this anyway." She sighs and parks herself under the tree, making edits on the guest list and mumbling something that distinctly sounded like, "Why."

END CHAPTER