Cinder

There are days when I feel completely normal. There are days when I feel like anyone else. There are days when my guts aren't twisting with aching need. There are days when I'm able to smile and laugh and it even feels genuine. There are days when I don't have to cut my inner arms to be able to fall asleep at night. There are days when I don't even consider sneaking into the Astronomy Tower and throwing myself down. There are days when I hardly think about you.

Of course it's hard. Of course it requires all my strength and concentration. Of course I have to bite my tongue until it bleeds in order to prevent your name escaping my lips as I reach down to feel the solid proof of the effect you have on me. Of course it still hurts when I see you walking through the school yard like I didn't even exist. Of course it hurts now that you've stopped paying attention to my childish insults.

What hurt the most was realising I'll never have you. After that things got a lot easier.

I don't even cry every day. I don't even hurt myself as often as I used to. I don't even feel the urge to draw little hearts to the corners of my school books or scribble things like "Draco loves Harry" onto the insides of my wrists. I don't even want to run around in the grass with no shoes on and pick flowers for you.

Not to mention I wouldn't even dare to ask if Snape would teach me how to make Love Potion.

It does not matter that not thinking about you means I have to press my fingernails into my palms until they bleed and eventually get infected. It does not matter that not thinking about you means not thinking about anything at all and doing bad at school, even at Potions. It does not matter that not thinking about you means giving up the only thing that ever made me feel happy, the only thing that ever made me feel anything at all.

It does not matter that, no matter what I do or don't do, I will yearn for you for the rest of my life.

At least I can try to pretend I'm fine. At least I can behave in a completely normal manner. At least I can try to forget. At least I can try to pretend I've forgotten already.

The key is to forget about myself. When I forget about myself, I feel nothing at all. And when I feel nothing at all, my existence is finally tolerable.

And the one thing that makes it possible for me to fall asleep at night is the knowledge that all of this will be over one day and that no one will be able to hurt me when I'm finally dead. Not even you.

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