My Gryffindor Love

I lie on my bed. Alone, as ever. You always leave me. I have never felt happier than a few hours ago when I fell asleep in your arms. I have also never felt unhappier than a while ago when I woke up alone. I'd give anything to wake up next to you, feeling your touch on my thin skin. I know you say it is impossible because we have to be careful, but I have a feeling that you'd leave even if it weren't necessary.

I think you enjoy it.

You enjoy leaving me alone in the cold when I need you the most. You don't do it because we need to be careful.

You do it because you can.

You do it because I need you. You do it because you don't need me. Not the way I need you. Maybe it gives you power. Maybe it gives you some sort of sick satisfaction. Maybe hurting me makes you feel alive.

Does it, Harry? Does it really, The Boy Who Lived?

I hate you.

Nobody has ever treated me like this. Sure, my father does not love me and my mother's love is so twisted I'd rather do without, but they are Malfoys. They are my family. I can tolerate anything from them.

But you, Harry. You're a Potter. Your mother was a mublood. One of your best friends is a mubdlood.

How dare you? How dare you treat me like this?

Every morning I tell myself that this is it, I am not taking it any more. I tell myself that I'm finished with you. Just one more time, I promise to myself. I'm going to let you kiss me with those lush, pink lips and twine your divine fingers into my hair one more time. I am going to let you take off my clothes ever so gently and kiss me all over one more time. I am going to shiver against your perfect touch and hear you whisper my name, my first name, when you come one more time. Just once more. And after that... never again.

God, Harry. How could I let you go? I am addicted to your touch. It used to be so exciting and wonderful. Now it just eats me alive and keeps me on the very edge of an utter nervous breakdown. I dread to think what will happen if you stop coming to me. I am sure it would kill me. I can't live without your touch.

Remember that one night when you didn't come? I waited and waited. You never showed up. Later on you told me it had been simply impossible for you to sneak into the Slytherin House that night. Were you lying to me, Harry? I know I would trust you with my life, but still I can't help thinking that you were with someone else that night.

Who was it, Harry?

That despicable Weasley? The idiotic Twins? I bet they are older and much more experienced than me. Is that what you are looking for? Educated sex? Do you compare me to the others, Harry? How many have there been? You and your fellow Gryffindors. I hate every one of you. Do they know your dirty little secret? Have you told them that you shag Draco Malfoy senseless every night? I didn't think so. What would they do if they knew, Harry?

Despise you? Admire you? Perhaps even want you?

Well, not like I want you. Nobody wants you the way I want you. I have exclusive right for that. How does it feel, Harry? To have someone want you as much as I do? I'd do anything for you. You know that. You could take advantage of that. Why don't you, Harry? You're too noble for that sort of thing. You're above it. You righteous bastard.

I wish you would break me. Throw me hard onto the ground, once and for all. Finish me off. Put an end to this misery. I want you to squash me like a bug. I want you to kill me in the most brutal way imaginable. I want you to do something, because this silent torture is taking me over the edge. I think you owe it to me.

Just kill me. Strangle me while you're inside me. Press a pillow onto my face when I sleep. Keep me underwater for too long when I'm taking a bath. Come on and drown me. I can't take this any more.

Kiss and kill me within a heartbeat, Harry. I know you want to. You want to own me. Completely. What could possibly be more complete than having the power to end my life? I am giving it to you. To you only. Why don't you take it. It's all I've got to offer.

It's all I have left.

Tonight will be the last time, Harry. I hope you have the sense to give it some credit. After this I won't let you touch me ever again. You have to choose, Harry, and you have only two choices. Either you will have to kill me, or I will.

It's your choice, Harry.

I hope you feel powerful. That's the only thing you'll ever feel.

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