Underwater

I remember the moment that my love for your father

Finally died.

I was

Accustomed to his words,

Sharp tongue,

Razor voice,

The way his words cut me up inside

As his fists took a turn on the out.

It was the look on your face that dealt the final stroke,

Severing the bond that I had once,

Long ago,

Thought eternal.

The look on your face as your father left the room,

Left me bleeding,

Left harsh words echoing in my head.

A silly argument really,

Over Muggles.

I couldn't cry in front of you,

Wouldn't,

Felt it would hurt you more than the single

Slap

That had driven you into the corner.

My son, you cried when I couldn't, you cried

A river of tears

I couldn't shed,

Your young face shone in the candlelight.

And yet

Your expression

Turned my heart to stone.

Hatred.

An emotion that no child of four

Should even know words for,

Hatred

Towards your own father.

I could no longer love the man who had done this to you,

Had broken your innocence.

And yet I could not leave.

For seven years

After that night,

I stayed with you,

Blunting the blows,

Protecting you when I could no longer protect

Myself.

Your father is not evil, but he is broken

Inside,

Never to be fixed,

Needing to break those nearest

To feel whole.

You have not broken yet.

I fear that you may

When I am gone.

For I am leaving,

My darling,

My only son.

I must.

I can no longer bear this trap,

This vise

That has gripped me for so long.

I am a witch,

A woman of power

Yet I have no power over my own life.

The only domain left to me lies before this cauldron.

Here I command,

I choose

What to create,

What to destroy.

Not even your father could take this away from me.

Here is my escape from this trap.

No, dearest,

There is no poison brewing in my thoughts,

Nor in my cauldron.

The deep azure should be an indication,

A benign color,

Benevolent,

Soothing,

Peaceful.

It is merely sleep that I craft,

Sleep that comes quickly,

Heavily.

I leave the remnants of the potion in the cauldron,

Filling a single vial of green glass,

Leaving the rest,

A message:

I do this of my own free will,

Intentionally.

No letter could be clearer

Than the cauldron of clear blue.

The lake is cold,

Mocking the sun,

Defying the summer.

Shoes are a vulgar invention, shutting the feet into little

Rigid

Boxes.

I wear none,

The cool water caressing,

Turning the white of my dress

A sorrowful grey,

Its weight pulling toward the bottom.

Not yet.

The shoreline is too close.

I've stolen my wand

From your father's desk, the charms cold and unwieldy,

Unpracticed,

Transient.

I only need them to carry me,

Just far enough,

Far enough.

I will the magic to keep me standing for this

Last moment,

Waist-deep,

My last glance at the world.

A beautiful day,

Cool,

Bright.

The afternoon sun is just beginning its journey toward the horizon.

Its light catches the green bottle, the blue inside

As I raise it to my lips.

I breathe out as I lie back,

The water closing around me

Like a grave.

I imagine I hear your voice,

My son.

Your tortured scream,

Mother,

Your small body pulled down as you struggle into the water,

Your shoes tangled in the weeds,

The breath sucked from your body as you join me

Here on the other side of the mirror,

Underwater.

You never did learn to swim,

Severus.

But you can't really be here,

You are just my body making

A final effort,

Trying to awaken,

To live.

It's too late.

I've won.

The charm is broken,

The mirror recedes.

I am falling down,

And the sky above the water is

Aflame

With the light of the sun,

So beautiful.

I hold to your memory to the very end,

Till the flame is extinguished

And the darkness finally takes me

Home.