Hit Wizards of the Magical Law Enforcement Squad

Hit Wizards of the Magical Law Enforcement Squad

Cast of characters:

Alastor "Mad-Eye" Moody, Nymphadora "Don't Call Me Nymphadora" Tonks, Remus "J." Lupin, Kingsley "Shaq" Shacklebolt, Lord Voldemort, Bellatrix Lestrange, and Kreacher the House Elf

Special Appearances by:

Harry Potter, The Dursleys, Ron and Hermione, Severus Snape, Lucius Malfoy and the Death Eaters, and a Dementor

Your host:

Sheriff John Bunnell

Introduction:

Camera on John Bunnell, standing in front of the Ministry of Magic's secret telephone booth entrance. He is wearing calfskin robes with gaudy silver fastenings, tight blue jeans and cowboy boots. He has magically enhanced his tan for this episode, and has overwhitened his teeth.

Bunnell: Good evening, and welcome to another episode of "World's Wildest Police Videos". I'm your host, Sheriff John Bunnell. Tonight you'll be riding with the Ministry of Magic's finest, the hit witches and wizards of the Magical Law Enforcement Squad. And when you're number's up, believe me, these men and women know how to count.

Tonks (off-camera): What the hell did he just say... ?

Cut to -

Roll Call room in the Department of Magical Law Enforcement: Moody is standing, handing out memos to Tonks, Lupin and Shacklebolt, who are seated around a table in front of him.

Moody: OK people, here are your assignments for this week. Tonks, you have the Dursley residence surveillance.

Tonks: Right.

Moody: Lupin, I've gotten you your old job back at Hogwarts. You'll keep an eye on Potter once the term starts.

Lupin: Right.

Moody: Shacklebolt, now that Sirius Black has been apprehended -

Tonks: (snorting) Yeah, right, he'd been on our side for two years! Then he tripped and fell through the Veil of Death without any of us putting a hand on him!

Moody: Whatever, a stat's a stat. Anyway, now that he's dead, we're giving Shacklebolt another target.

Shacklebolt looks uncomfortable. For two years he's only been pretending to hunt Dark Wizards. He's not sure that he remembers how, or that he has the stomach for it anymore.

Moody: Voldemort escaped the Ministry with Bellatrix Lestrange. She will be your new target.

Shacklebolt: Bellatrix Lestrange.

Moody: That's right.

Shacklebolt (alarmed): The fearsome ruthless Death Eater, Bellatrix Lestrange.

Moody: The very same. She is a heartless, sadistic murderess capable of incalculable ferocity and cruelty. You may assume that she will use every means available, including deadly force, to avoid capture.

Shacklebolt (his lips starting to shake): Deadly force, you say.

Moody: Without question. She is a target of the highest priority. Overtime is authorized to whatever extent is necessary to effect her apprehension.

Shacklebolt (under his breath): Oh yeah, I'll be all over that ... (crumples his memo and throws it away when Moody isn't looking.)

Cut to -

Moody (on broom) flying high somewhere above England. The camera is evidently being held by a passenger seated behind Moody, because he has to twist his head sharply to the right to be able to speak in profile.

Moody: Yeah, I've been doing this job for a lot of years, now, and let me tell you, I've seen some stuff. But I really love my job, you know, every day's different, and I never get tired of helping people ...

Moody continues to spout veteran-cop clichés as he cranes his neck back toward the camera; suddenly his magical eye pops out and plummets toward the ground.

Moody: Oh shit! My eye!

He pulls broom into a vertical dive, searching frantically for his falling eye.

Cameraman: AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!

Video shows ground rapidly approaching. Moody, having no depth perception with only one eye, crashes broom into the ground. Video abruptly replaced by static.

Cut to -

Tonks, at night, hiding in shrubbery. A well-kept single family residence can be seen in the background, over her shoulder.

Tonks (whispering into the camera): Tonight it's my turn to do surveillance on the Dursley residence. Every day, someone is posted here to keep an eye on Harry Potter, to make sure his family treats him well. So far this summer we haven't noticed any problems -

Sounds of yelling come from inside the house.

Tonks (oblivious to the domestic dispute in progress): It's a really important assignment, and it's a vote of confidence in my abilities that they're letting me do it -

Harry comes into view as Uncle Vernon throws him violently against the bay window.

Tonks: I take my job really seriously; I would never let anything happen to him.

Harry screams for help and pounds on the glass, as Dudley picks up a folding chair and hits him over the head with it.

Tonks: It does get kind of boring out here, though, night after night, when nothing ever happens ...

Harry falls to the floor, where Petunia kneels on his chest and bitch-slaps him repeatedly in the face with a pink rubber kitchen glove.

Tonks: So I bring some books, maybe a movie on DVD, to help pass the time.

Sounds of glass breaking and Harry screaming as he is thrown through the bay window. He hits the front lawn and rolls to a stop, as the Dursleys hang out the broken window, pointing and laughing.

Tonks: I have another twenty-two years until I can take full retirement, so I figure I've got to pace myself.

A dementor glides out of the shadows and sucks Harry's soul out through his mouth. The Dursleys cheer wildly. The dementor takes a bow and pumps his fists.

Tonks: I mean, I'm not going to bust my ass for this place, not with they way they treat you. I'm just going to do enough to get by without getting fired.

Cut to -

Department of Magical Law Enforcement. Moody is in Shacklebolt's cubicle, briefing him on his new assignment.

Moody: Here's a "Wanted " poster of Bella Lestrange...

Shacklebolt (unenthusiastically): Okay.

Moody: ...and the names and addresses of all her known associates and family members ...

Shacklebolt: Right.

Moody: ... and a schedule of all the upcoming Death Eater convocations, revels, orgies, and Board of Directors' meetings ...

Shacklebolt: Got it.

Moody: ... and an aerial map of Voldemort's headquarters with GPS coordinates, and a list of all the passwords and counterspells needed to gain access.

Shacklebolt: Very good.

Moody: So about how long before you bring her in?

Shacklebolt: Hard to say. There's really not a lot here to go on.

Cut to -

A classroom in Hogwarts. Lupin is teaching a Defense Against the Dark Arts class.

Lupin: All right, class, who can tell me what defense to use against a vampire attack?

Everyone in the class raises their hand except Harry, who has been propped up in his chair.

Lupin: Yes, Harry?

Harry stares blankly, mouth open.

Lupin (encouragingly): Go ahead, Harry.

Harry continues to stare, then drools slightly.

Lupin (beaming): Very good, Harry! Fifty points to Gryffindor!

Gryffindors cheer. Harry tilts out of his chair and lands on the floor with a thud. Ron and Hermione haul him up and bundle him back into his chair, then grin at Lupin and give him the thumbs-up.

Cut to -

Aerial shot of the Azkaban island. Cameraman is seated on broom behind Tonks.

Tonks (looking back into the camera): Today I'll be doing the Azkaban surveillance. There are a lot of Dark Wizards locked up in here, and since the Ministry really can't rely on the dementors anymore, we'll be keeping an eye on the place, to make sure that none of these bastards ever see the light of day again -

A private yacht speeds toward the island. It is black and silver, and has little flags on the stern with the letter "M" in ornate script.

Tonks: We like to do these surveillances from the air, because it guarantees that we won't miss anything -

The yacht docks at the island. Lucius Malfoy strides out of the front gates of the prison, accompanied by the Death Eaters.

Tonks: After all the hard work that went into incarcerating these creeps, it would be a serious miscarriage of justice if any of them were to escape -

One by one, the Death Eaters climb aboard the yacht. Lucius boards last, as he turns and blows a kiss to the dementors at the front gates, who wave bye-bye to him.

Tonks: I mean, we work so hard to lock them up, and 95% of the time, the system lets them back out on the street before we've even finished the paperwork. This truly is a thankless goddamn job.

The yacht speeds away toward the mainland, with the Death Eaters sprawled in lounge chairs on the deck, sunning themselves and drinking daiquiris.

Bunnell (pompous): These bad guys thought they would help themselves to a life of luxury. What they got instead ... was a life sentence!

Tonks: Oh Jesus Christ, are you still here?!?

Cut to -

Cell block in the Department of Magical Law Enforcement. Tonks is dragging in about a dozen prisoners in handcuffs and leg shackles.

Tonks: Guess who made her quota this month!

Moody: Those aren't Dark Wizards!

Tonks (defensively): Who says they're not?

Moody (looking closely): Those aren't even wizards at all! They're Muggles!

Tonks: What's your point? My performance evaluation's coming up, and my numbers need a little boost. Besides, who can tell the difference?

Moody: Where did you find them?

Tonks (proudly): "Defense of Marriage" rally in Hyde Park!

Moody: This is an outrage, Tonks! You have betrayed your oath! You are a disgrace to the entire Magical Law Enforcement Squad! I demand that you release these innocent Muggles immediately!

Prisoner: Sodomites! Sinners! Turn from Satan and renounce your evil ways!

Moody: I think Cell #1 is free. Give the mouthy one a body cavity search.

Cut to -

Shacklebolt and Lupin outside a tittie bar in Piccadilly.

Shacklebolt (to camera): We're going in here to search for Bella Lestrange.

Lupin: Kingsley, shouldn't we be looking for her in places where she's likely to be? Voldemort's headquarters, Death Eater revels, places like that?

Shacklebolt: Remus, this is exactly why I'm a highly respected Auror, and you're nothing but a penniless werewolf. Now get in there.

Shacklebolt and Lupin make their way to the bar. Lupin is clearly disgusted with the tawdry atmosphere, while Shacklebolt seems very much at ease, and orders a martini, very dry, with an olive.

Tittie Bar M.C.: Up next, gentlemen, let's have a round of applause for the Darling of Death Eaters, the Amazon of Azkaban, give it up, guys, for Miss "Stella Lebrange"!!

Cheers and wolf whistles erupt from the audience. Bella takes the stage, completely recognizable despite a blond wig and long cloak, and proceeds to dance provocatively.

Lupin: Kingsley, isn't that -

Shacklebolt (looking quickly away): Nope, not her.

Bella slowly peels up one sleeve of her cloak, teasingly revealing the Dark Mark. Crowd goes wild.

Lupin: Kingsley, the Mark -

Shacklebolt: Cheap tattoo. I can see it from here. Kindly remember that I am a trained observer.

Bella whips off her cloak and tosses it into the crowd. Underneath, she is wearing a black bustier, g-string, and thigh boots. Lucius Malfoy flings himself onto the stage and grovels lustfully at her feet.

Lupin (pointing at Malfoy): Look! Isn't that -

Shacklebolt: Nothing here. Let's go.

Cut to -

Roll call room at the Department of Magical Law Enforcement.

Moody (pacing and gesturing dramatically): We have received credible intel that Bellatrix Lestrange is hiding out with the other escaped Death Eaters at Voldemort's country estate. We will all meet there tonight at 2200 hours to conduct a raid. This will be the deciding battle of the War Against Voldemort. I need not remind you how dangerous this mission is likely to be. We may be captured and tortured by cruel and merciless Dark Wizards. We all may be horribly maimed and disfigured. We may all die in searing, relentless agony. If there are any among you who can't stomach that reality, who aren't brave enough to risk life, limb and sanity in the performance of their sworn duty, I invite them to leave now.

Shacklebolt (briskly): Nice working with you. (Rises to leave.)

Bunnell: When danger lurks nearby, you can bet that the brave men and women of law enforcement will answer the call -

Tonks: Shut up, shut UP!! Christ Almighty, can't someone get rid of him?

Shacklebolt: And why does he act so gay?

Lupin: He's gay?

Moody: Only one way to find out. (Throws Floo powder into fireplace and sticks his head in.) Snape!

Snape, at his most clichéd, steps out of the fire. The black, bottomless eyes, pale, sneering face, jet-black hair and tight-fitting cassock are all in evidence. Snape surveys the Hit Wizards with an air of supreme haughtiness, and Bunnell's eyes light up.

Bunnell (impressed): Tsk. Well!

Snape clicks his fingers as he sweeps out of the room in a perfectly choreographed swirl of inky black robes. Bunnell trots along behind him like a dog in heat.

Moody: Well, I guess that answers that!

Cut to -

Voldemort's hideout. The Hit Wizards have surrounded it under cover of darkness. As they are preparing to force entry, the full moon rises. Lupin transforms into a wolf, and immediately plops to the ground and starts feverishly licking his balls.

Tonks: Remus! Not now!

Shacklebolt: Give him a break, Tonks. He's been waiting a whole month to do that!

Moody: If I could do that, I'd never leave the house!

Tonks huffs and enters the hideout alone while Shacklebolt and Moody watch Lupin-wolf enviously. Sheriff John Bunnell follows close behind her, providing a steady stream of sotto voce commentary into the camera.

Bunnell: What evil lurks in the bowels of this ancestral manse? Into what unspeakable danger is Hit Witch Tonks fearlessly treading in order to perform her sworn duty?

Tonks (annoyed): How the hell did you get away from Snape?

Bunnell (simpering): I wore him out, sweetie. He only looks like rough trade, believe me.

Cut to -

Snape's Potions dungeon. Students are running all around the room, grab-assing and generally being rowdy, except for Harry, propped motionless in a chair in front of his cauldron. Snape sweeps in, looking definitely the worse for wear, and limping slightly.

Snape (nasty): A hundred points from Gryffindor for your insolence, Potter.

Slytherins cheer.

Cut to -

A large inner chamber, handsomely furnished and bursting with books and classical artwork. Handel's "Water Music" is playing softly in the background. Death Eaters are lounging about, talking or playing whist and Scrabble. Bella Lestrange is sitting by the fire, working a cross-stitch sampler. Beside her is Voldemort, reading aloud to her from Shakespeare's "A Midsummer Night's Dream". Tonks and Bunnell burst through the door and are spotted immediately by Kreacher the house elf.

Kreacher (muttering darkly): The lovely Metamorphmagus has cleverly discovered our cultured Inner Sanctum of relaxation and companionship!

Bella (looking up and smiling at Tonks and Bunnell): If you please, Kreacher, fetch our delightful guests some tea.

Kreacher (spitting malevolently): Kreacher will expertly brew delicate jasmine tea, organic green tea, bold orange pekoe and refined Earl Grey for Mistress' guests, yes he will ...

Kreacher scurries off. Voldemort waves Tonks and Bunnell into chairs by the fire.

Voldemort: Tonks, this is Bella. Bella, Tonks.

Bella (seductively): So very delighted.

Tonks: (seduced): Oh, hullo, I mean, oh, wow ...

Voldemort: And I'm afraid I didn't catch your name ...

Bunnell (perky): I'm Sheriff John Bunnell!

Voldemort (impressed): Such a pleasure, Sheriff ...

Bunnell smoothes his hair and casually unbuttons the neck of his robes. Tonks has moved to sit on the arm of Bella's chair, the better to look into her eyes. Kreacher returns with the tea.

Kreacher (snarling hatefully): Kreacher offers Mistress' exalted guests a delectable choice of white sugar cubes, brown sugar cubes, granulated sugar, raw sugar, turbinado sugar, molasses, Equal, Splenda, honey, and lemon wedges, yes he does ...

Bella takes a handful of sugar cubes and starts feeding them lovingly to Tonks. Voldemort takes a cup of tea for himself and Bunnell.

Voldemort: If you would be so kind as to stir my tea with your sweet little finger ...

Bunnell obliges, snuggling close to Voldemort. Kreacher leaves, then returns with the dessert tray.

Kreacher (glaring balefully): May Kreacher offer his beloved Mistress and her guests a tempting assortment of trifles, petit-fours, parfaits, shortbreads, and scones with butter, clotted cream, and jam ...

Bella and Tonks (singing in harmony): Baby, let's cruise away from he-ere ...

Kreacher (glowering resentfully): ... blueberry jam, strawberry jam, blackberry jam, lingonberry jam, orange marmalade ...

Bunnell pulls Voldemort's feet into his lap and starts massaging them.

Cut to -

Moody, Shacklebolt, and Lupin-wolf outside the hideout doors.

Moody: Alohomora!

Shacklebolt (desperately, under his breath): Colloportus! Colloportus!!

The door opens anyway, revealing Kreacher waiting inside.

Kreacher (jeering acidly): Kreacher bids the esteemed visitors welcome, and begs them to enter Master Voldemort's humble abode. (Steps aside, bowing.)

Moody (imperious): Stand aside, foul servant of evil! Obstruct not the fearless Hit Wizards of the Magical Law Enforcement Squad in the performance of their sworn duties!

Lupin-wolf pushes past Moody and springs at Kreacher, biting him in the ass. Kreacher transforms immediately into 2004 Westminster Dog Show Champion Smooth Coat Chihuahua "Yo Yo's Sweet Sensation". Lupin-wolf and Kreacher-Chihuahua commence to sniffing each other's tail ends and peeing on the carpets.

Cut to -

The Death Eater's Inner Sanctum. Bunnell is painting Voldemort's toenails.

Voldemort (flirtatious): You don't think it's too red, do you? I don't want to look too slutty ...

Bunnell winks at him and blows kisses.

Bella and Tonks (singing): ... 'Cause love, I can't deny, this love, I have inside ...

Moody and Shacklebolt crash through the already open door. Death Eaters look up and cheerfully wave hello.

Moody: Resistance is futile! Surrender yourselves, Dark Brethren, or face the righteous wrath of the noble Hit Wizards!

Death Eaters: Awwwww ...

Death Eaters shuffle out dejectedly. As they pass Moody, he takes their wands and hands them back to Shacklebolt, who hands them back to the Death Eaters when Moody's not looking. Death Eaters look among one another, shrug, and Disapparate, taking Voldemort and Bunnell with them.

Bella (whispering to Tonks): Third bedroom on the right in an hour. Password is "bearded iris".

Tonks gives the thumbs-up, and Bella Disapparates.

Moody: Thank God that bloody war is over. Shacklebolt, I'm nominating you for Auror of the Month. Tonks, you get a Purple Heart for that on-duty injury.

Tonks proudly displays a fresh Dark Mark on her arm.

Moody: And a 7% raise to everyone for finally getting rid of that insufferable John Bunnell.

Cut to -

Deckside of Voldemort's heated outdoor pool. Lucius Malfoy is tending bar in a sarong and lei. The other Death Eaters are lounging underneath tiki torches, eating buffalo wings and singing Beach Boys songs a cappella. Voldemort and John Bunnell float together on an inflatable raft. Lupin-wolf and Kreacher-Chihuahua feast on scraps and roll contentedly in the grass. Bella checks her watch and smiles.