Nobody Understands

Ch. 1: THOUGHTS AND LETTERS

Hermione's POV: July 21^st, morning, summer before 5^th year:

It was the summer before my sixteenth birthday and I was standing in the bathroom in front of the mirror slapping myself. Not hard, not so it would leave a mark, but a sharp feeling to bring me back to my senses. I was not in love, I told myself, I was not in love and certainly not in love with one of my best friends. The problem was, well, that I was. In love with my best friend I mean. And I hated myself for it. That may seem rather extreme but I was not willing to ruin a very good friendship, and possibly both, by falling in love. I was in love with Ron Weasley, and I wished I wasn't. Just the thought of his cute freckled face and bright red hair made me smile. I knew so much about him and he knew so much about me, especially what made me angry. I thought there is no way that he "likes me in that way" but what if he does... My active mind quickly made up some beautiful possibilities. But I also thought of the horrible fact that it could ruin our friendship with Harry, even with the unlikely fact that Ron fancied me. My mother calling me broke me from my fantasies and I realized that I had been in the bathroom for half an hour. I hurried downstairs to the kitchen where my parents were about to leave for work.

"We just wanted to say goodbye before we left for work" said my mum kissing me on top of my head.

"Well," started Dad, "you are turning into a teen, you spent about half an hour in the bathroom. What were you doing? Curling your hair?"

"Daaad..." I whined, my hair is curly enough!

"Just teasing sweet heart, have a good day." Dad opened the door and said to Mum, "I'll get the bikes out, honey." My parents were avid bicyclists on top of their dentistry and environmental activism.

"I left a list of chores I'd like you to do; remember to separate the white laundry from the colored and..." Mum had the usual lecture.

"I know Mum, I'll be fine."

"All right dear, call us at the office if you need anything."

I smiled in suppressed annoyance, "I will Mum."

She gave me a hug that I returned, "I love you dear."

"I love you Mum." And finally they were gone. I immediately regretted that thought. I was worried about them. If Voldemort, I shuddered with the thought, found out about me being friends with Harry and being a mudblood....he could show up and kill them and/or me off! I should be nicer to them but sometimes they were so overbearing.

I needed to get ready for the day. I woke up at the same time parents did, partly because I was an early riser and partly because I wanted to see my parents off. I didn't usually get ready until after they left, I'm lazier than I act at school but, hey, it's summer vacation! I ate breakfast and got dressed, then tidied up my room a bit. This summer was very boring; my parents worked long hours and both my muggle friends were working as assistant councilors at a camp. We weren't traveling at all this summer. I had read all the books in my house several times, done all my homework several times longer than needed, and checked out many books from the muggle public library. And I was still bored and half the summer left! That reminded me that I was done with these books and needed to return them. The library was about ten blocks from my house but I had nothing better to do.

I fed Crookshanks and got the books I had finished. I came back downstairs, put the books in a bag and locked the door. Not that a locked door would keep out the Death Eaters. As soon as I started walking, my imagination and worries poured over.

I liked Ron and more than a friend or a brother, but was it really love or just a crush or infatuation? I immediately ruled out infatuation, I had been infatuated by Lockhart and Victor Krum. Well it was also a bit of crush on Victor but nothing much, I have no idea why anyone would like me. Sometimes I even wonder why Harry and Ron are friends with me. I put my entire ego into my grades and work, yet I'm still self conscious about how I look and act. I know I'm bossy and ugly. I'm not supposed to care about my looks! I'm not like that; it goes against my entire personality! The point I'm trying to make is that I'm more depressed than I act. I suppose I hide it without meaning to, I laugh or boss or yell or run away when something hurts me. Sometimes I do cry but everyone cries sometimes, I don't act depressed, I don't sulk except when I'm alone. I don't know what I want. My emotions are so confused. I've grown away from my parents. I'm afraid of what's happening in the wizarding world and in the muggle world. I'm a witch; I should be able to do something! But war and poverty are in both the muggle and wizarding war. So are sexism, racism, and homophobia. Magic certainly doesn't stop prejudices; in fact it just starts new ones in both worlds!

Sigh...my thoughts ramble so much. Some days I think I might go crazy. I know I'm smart but in the right way? There are a lot of horrible people who did well in school but do horrible things--just look at Voldemort. I don't know what I want to be, luckily for me there are a lot of options. When I was little, before I knew I was a wizard (I'm trying to have everyone called wizards, it's sexist, intersexist, and transphobic to separate people by what gender they were born with.) I wanted to be a writer. It could be fun, I still write a little bit--some stories and poems and things but I don't think it would help people enough. I could be a teacher and help children learn. I could be a doctor and heal people but I'm not too interested in that one. Maybe a therapist though, then I could help wizards with all their problems. Of course considering that I'm rather messed up myself maybe that isn't such a good idea. Perhaps Professor Moody's idea of being an Auror... I could certainly help people that way. And both Ron and Harry have thought of becoming Aurors, we could all work together, I mean we have had a lot of practice.

Thinking of Ron and Harry immediately changed me to thinking about my feelings for Ron. When had they changed? Does he like me? I wish he did...I could imagine kissing him...Snap out of it, Hermione! You hate it when girls moon over boys... Stop talking to yourself! See, I am going crazy! I shook my head violently to get rid of myself arguing with myself. A women loading up here car gave me a weird look. Control yourself Hermione. I was almost to the library now. There it is. I turn in my books and search for some good ones I haven't read yet.

That night:

I'm trying to sleep but as usual I'm having trouble. When my parents got back home my dad treated me like a little kid and my mom went over everything I was supposed to do and what I did. This is how they usually act. I know they love me and I love them back but we used to be such a close family and now I live in a completely different world from them, literally during the year, and figuratively during the summer.

I love my parents so much but I wish they could understand my world. I told them about Voldemort but they didn't understand. I guess I can understand in a way it's hard to imagine an evil wizard appearing outside my house; it's just such a normal, muggle neighborhood. I'm never going to sleep now thinking about Voldemort.

Think of something happy...like visiting the Burrow. I wonder if Ron will invite me this year...but am I ready to see him? I'll have to tell him that I like him as more than a friend if my feelings persist but what if he hates me? If he likes me will he have the courage to tell me? But he might think I'm still dating Victor.

I told Victor near the beginning of summer that things wouldn't work if he wanted to be more than friends. I told him we didn't have enough in common, that I didn't feel "that way" about him, that he was too old for me, and my parents would never allow me to go visit him in Bulgaria anyways. He never wrote back, but then I asked him not to if we couldn't just leave it at friendship. I realized I felt uncomfortable around him after he told me he "never felt this way about any other girl". I don't know if I just wasn't ready for that or if it was just him. I guess if Ron told me that I wouldn't be too upset...I guess I'll just make up that Ron does like me and have dreams that I'd rather not, but will if it will help me fall asleep...

July 30^th, afternoon:

Dear Harry,

Happy Birthday! Hedwig showed up to day. I thought she might because she wants you to get birthday presents and knows I don't have an owl. It's weird that you're only fifteen; I mean I'm practically a year older than you... A lot of the time you seem older than me with all your bravery and experience.

Hmm... I thought did experience sound too... Well Harry knows I didn't mean it that way.

Anyhow, why haven't you written back to me? I don't mean to nag but it's been a week and a half and I've been pretty lonely since my parents are gone most of the day and my muggle friends are working at a summer camp. Ron hasn't written me lately either.

Did that sound too pathetic? Like I needed Ron to write? I don't think so, it's just a comment, perfectly natural sounding...right?

Have the Dursleys stopped you from writing? Are you alright? I've sent more snacks for you to eat as long as the Dursleys are keeping you on Dudley's diet. I hope you like your other present. I can't believe there is still a whole month before school starts! I am willing to admit I have read enough this summer to last me for a week without reading any books. I'm that bored! Has Ron inv Have the Weasleys invited you to visit yet this summer? Will Dumbledore let you? Has your scar been hurting? I've been really worried about You-Know-Who and the Death Eaters. I do hope everything is alright.

Please write back to me soon. If you don't write back within a week I'll believe that something is wrong and write to Dumbledore or something, I don't know what yet.

Love,

Hermione

I sent the letter the letter with Hedwig after she had rested, drunken her fill, and eaten a few owl treats I had gotten for her and Pig. I sank back onto my bed feeling even lonelier than before. I sat silently for a moment staring into space.

Then I got up and picked up one of the books I had gotten from the library. "What these muggles think magic is, eh, Crookshanks?"

August 1^st, early morning:

I was awakened by a tapping at my window; I had always been a light sleeper so even the quiet tapping woke me. I opened my eyes and squinted at the owl at my window. It was Hedwig back again, hurray! I got up, rubbing sleep from my eyes, and opened the window for her. She dropped her letter and waited patiently while I gave her a bowl of water and an owl treat, then I quickly tore open the letter from Harry:

Dear Hermione,

I'm fine, I'm sorry I didn't reply to your last letter sooner. I was going to but then I got distracted and forgot about it. Terrible excuse isn't it? I really am sorry though. Thank you very much for the sweets and your gift, I love it! It will certainly be useful. The Dursleys are just acting... Dursleyish, nothing more horrible than usual. I'm sorry you're so lonely; I understand that feeling very well. At least you have your parents to talk to in the evening; nobody speaks to me here unless they have. I'm sorry, I'm whining again.

Ron has invited me to stay several times but Dumbledore says that I can't yet. Dumbledore keeps talking about being "protected" at the Dursleys; I don't understand it and I don't feel that starving me to death is very protective.

I'm surprised Ron hasn't written to you, he writes about you all the time in his letters. I think he's worried that Vold You-Know-Who will attack you and your family because you're muggle born. I'm worried about you because you're my friends and you might be attacked. I can't wait for school to start either, but I'm looking forward to going to the Burrow for that last two weeks of summer even more. Maybe you could go earlier? I mean you have more of a choice than I do in this matter.

I can't believe you're so bored you've stopped reading books! Who are you and what have you done with Hermione?

Any how, I'll remind Ron that he should write to you since you don't have an owl. Hope to see you in a couple weeks at the Burrow.

I wonder who our new Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher will be. I finally finished all the homework that was given to us this summer but I haven't been able to practice any flying.

Have you gotten your prefect notice? I know you'll get one! I wonder who will get the second one. It has to be a boy and none of us have exactly followed the rules...

Well, I have to go weed the garden... I'll write to you again soon, I promise.

-Harry

Finally! A letter! I'm really happy, and Harry seems like he's doing alright but he also seems so much older; so adult and almost serious in a way. Poor Harry, he's been through so much, and of course he's much lonelier than I am; I shouldn't have complained to him.

Why hasn't Ron written to me? Did I do something wrong? Does he know how I feel? Oh, Hermione, don't be silly how could he know that? But...why hasn't he written and why has he written to Harry about me? And what has he written? I can't exactly go to the Burrow if I haven't been invited. What was Harry thinking? Well maybe he didn't know. But I said that Ron hadn't written for awhile. My thoughts just go around and around about nothing and anything.

Dear Harry,

Thank you for writing! I have to make this quick because my parents want me to come down to breakfast and I don't want to keep them or Hedwig waiting.

I'm sorry I was complaining about being lonely; you're in a much worse situation. I am still reading, I just meant that I could take a break from reading for a little bit. I really don't have anything to do but read, do chores, walk to the library, play with Crookshanks, do homework (which I finished a long time ago), watch T.V. (which I don't like to do), or play on the computer. That's probably more than you get to do but I find I have done all of those things enough and my eyes are tired! I'm sorry, I'm complaining again.

Hang in there with the Dursleys, you'll be free soon! I'm sorry you have to do work on your birthday, poor you.

Have you heard anything about You-Know-Who's whereabouts? I do hope everything's all right. I tried to tell my parents about what's going on in the wizarding world and the danger to them especially, but also to other muggles. They didn't understand though. I mean, I see their point; it's hard to imagine an evil wizard and his cronies showing up on our street but I wish that they could understand my world. I've grown so far apart from them; and them from me.

I haven't gotten any letter from Hogwarts yet and I don't see why you assume I will be a prefect. I really hope I will be though!

I've been wondering who will be our DADA teacher as well; I hope it's a woman for once!

Good Luck with the Dursleys!

Love,

Hermione

P.S. How are Snuffles and Buckbeak?

There! I avoided saying anything about the Burrow or Ron. I gave the letter to Hedwig and ran downstairs to see my parents off; I had almost missed them.

"Sorry, I was writing a letter to Harry." I said.

"Couldn't you have waited until after we left, dear?" Mum asked, slightly annoyed.

"I could have but his Owl was waiting," I amended quickly.

Dad then butted in, "It's alright dear; we know you couldn't wait to write to your boyfriend." Wink, wink.

"Dad!" I said impatiently, "Harry is not my boyfriend! For the last time!" I was very exasperated.

"I know dear, I was just teasing," Dad kissed me on the forehead and went outside.

"Have a good day dear!"

"Bye Mum!"

I waved from the front porch as they rode off on their bikes, then I went back inside. I had breakfast, got dressed, and fed Crookshanks.

I was debating what to do today when another owl flew in through the window. It was from Hogwarts! I grabbed the letter and ripped it open. I dropped the letters I got every year about going to Kings-Cross Station, blah, blah, blah, and the book list. There was a third letter in there. It read:

HOGWARTS SCHOOL of WITCHCRAFT and WIZARDRY

Headmaster: Albus Dumbledore (Order of Merlin, First Class, Grand Sorc., Chf. Warlock, Supreme Mugwump, International Confed. of Wizards)

Dear Ms. Granger,

We are pleased to inform you that you have been made one of the prefects of the Gryffindor House. You will be given your duties on the first of September by the head of your house. The other new prefect is Dean Thomas. If, for whatever reason, you are unable or unwilling to have this honorable job, please send an owl no later than August 7^th. Congratulations!

Yours sincerely,

Minerva McGonagall

Minerva McGonagall

Deputy Headmistress

"I did it! I did it!" I was jumping up and down waving the letter. "I'm a prefect! Yes! Yes! Yes!" I hugged Crookshanks, who hissed at me. I dropped him at once.

"Sorry kitty, I didn't mean to hurt you."

Harry was right; I had been made a prefect. And Dean Thomas was the other one. I wouldn't have guessed that. I tried to remember who the other prefects were from last year. I would be working with them so I wanted to know. Um...let me see... Oh! The seventh years are Katie Bell and...Evan Merid. Then the sixth years would be... Juniper Long and Timothy Smard.

I was thinking about the other prefects in Gryffindor but in my mind I was still jumping for joy. I was so excited that I grabbed the phone and called my parents at work. This was something I never did; it was supposed to be for emergencies only but I was too excited to care.

"Hello!" said Ms. Turner, the receptionist, "This is the Dr.'s Granger's office of dentistry."

"Hi, Ms. Turner. It's Hermione. May I speak to one of my parents if they aren't in the middle of something?"

"Is everything alright? Your mother just finished with one patient, she could speak to you for a moment," Ms. Turner spoke very quickly.

"Everything's fine, I just really want to talk to her."

"Here you go, dear."

"Thanks"

"Hello, is everything ok? What's wrong?" Mum was immediately alarmed. "Everything's fine, I just had to tell you!"

"Tell me what?" Her voice was sharp in annoyance of being worried for nothing. "I was made prefect!" I know I sounded almost as happy as I felt.

"Oh, darling that's wonderful! I'm so happy for you! But I really can't talk now; my next patient is more than ready."

"Alright Mum, sorry for bothering you."

"It's alright dearest; I'll pass the good news on to your father."

"Thanks Mum! Love you! Bye!"

"Love you too dear, goodbye."

I put the phone back in its cradle. I wish I could talk to someone about how excited I was. But I didn't have an owl to write to anybody. I thought about what I could do... I could write a letter and just wait to send it to someone, call someone I don't know very well, or just do something else until my parents come home, this evening. I decided just to do something else.

I played with Crookshanks, did my chores, went for a short walk, and then read in the garden. After two exciting letters this morning, the rest of my day was a bore. That night my parents took me out to dinner to celebrate and that was fun. It took me a long time to fall asleep that night.

Aug. 3^rd:

Dear Hermione,

Sorry I haven't written. I was just I've been really busy helping Mum. Not that I haven't been thinking of you. I thought of Any how, how are you? Are you having a good summer? Mum said I could invite you to come and stay with us if you want. I hope Have you traveled anywhere this summer? Are you still with Victo About the family: Fred and George got 1000 Galleons somehow, they won't say, and they got me new dress robes. Not that you care, but they are actually decent, they look like Harry's except that they are blue. Ginny is still moping over Harry; she wants you to come and visit. Dad and Percy are very busy at the Ministry. Percy has gotten even more obsessive about work so I don't mind having him gone but it's hard having Dad away so much. Mum is thinking of getting a part time job while we're at school. She doesn't have many credentials but she wants to do something to help with You-Know-Who coming back. Also she says she's pretty bored at home when we aren't there. I'm really worried about you Well, I have to go degnome the garden. Bye!

-Ron

A letter from Ron!!!!! I'm so happy! He really does need to learn some grammar...But he wrote to me! Yea! I wonder why he crossed so many things out. It's great that Ms. Weasley is going to get a job.

Pigwidgeon is swooping around my head; stupid bird! I gave him water and an owl treat (crumbled up do he wouldn't choke), what more does he want? I suppose I should write back. But what do I say??? I wish I had copy of what I wrote to Harry so I could use it to make it sound more natural.

Dear Ron,

I'm glad you're having a good summer. My summer has been pretty boring. My parents are at work most days and my muggle friends are assistant counselors at a camp so I have been mostly reading the days away.

Did this sound natural enough? I hope I don't sound stupid and pathetic. What if Ron didn't write because he's mad at me? I'm acting really stupid and all over some boy.

Have you finished all the homework? I finished it all awhile ago; I found it interesting that we had DADA homework even without a teacher to assign it. Do you have any idea who the new teacher will be? Since your dad and brother are at the Ministry I thought you might have heard. I hope it's a woman!

Why does Ginny want me to come and visit? We were never very close but she is really sweet and I suppose she must be lonely being the only girl in the family without any friends visiting.

O dear, a run on sentence! But it's too late to change it, I hope he doesn't notice that I'm nervous and that's why I messed it up. But why doesn't he want me to visit? He makes it sound like only his Mum and Ginny want me to visit. Hmmmm...

I'd love to visit. You know how much I love the Burrow. Harry said he would be going for the last two weeks of summer break, is that when you want me to come too? I still have to ask my parents of course but I'm pretty sure they'll let me. We haven't been very close this summer; we haven't done anything except go out to eat as a family. I'm terribly bored, as I already mentioned, and would love a diversion.

Oh! And a very important thing I almost forgot to mention. I'm a prefect! I was so excited when I got the letter! Dean Thomas is the other one from our year, if you were wondering.

Miss you all; give my love to your family!

- Hermione