The Origin Of Love

Sirius was on his way to ask his best friend for advice. James, being rich, happily married, employed, and generally content with his life, must have somehow obtained the book of all life's obscure answers, and would therefore be able to guide Sirius towards his own happiness.

That, or Sirius would at least get to have a drink and bitch about his sorry life with his best mate.

Meeting James in The Three Broomsticks was one of the better ideas Sirius had had that day. In fact, it was one of the only ideas Sirius had had that day, the larger part of his brain being devoted to thinking about Remus Lupin.

It had all happened the night before...

~*~

After graduation, Sirius and Remus had taken a flat together within wizarding London, close to where each of them had just been employed: Sirius had been accepted to the Auror Training Academy; Remus was hoping to be a representative of the Werewolf Registry, per Albus Dumbledore's suggestion. James and Lily, having married in July, had finally settled on a flat not far from the boys'; Peter had been accepted as a Gringotts apprentice-treasure hunter, and already traveled so much that he didn't keep a flat to live in.

The full moon had been the previous night, and after hours of remaining transformed in the flat, romping around the tiny rooms under the guise of some truly excellent Silencing Spells, both Remus and Sirius had spent the day lying around, exhausted. Being a Sunday, Sirius had happened to have the day off of work, and the Registry knew that Remus would be unable to put in an appearance.

Years of monthly changes with Remus had left Sirius well versed in how to care for "post-werewolf symptoms." He had cooked for his aching friend, healed the few cuts he had incurred, helped him into the shower, and given him plenty of time to rest, all with the tenderness of a mother and the humor of an old friend.

But that evening, he had suddenly felt something that wasn't the least bit motherly or friendly...

Sirius had made tea, and was lounging on the couch, drinking a warm mug of it and reheating Remus's cup from time to time. His friend had finally felt up to taking a shower that evening, and had been back there for several minutes. Expecting Remus to wander out with damp hair any minute now, Sirius kept the tea warm and waited.

His attention, of course, had a habit of wandering, and Sirius was lost in deep thought about his precious motorcycle when he finally heard Remus's footsteps padding down the hallway. He glanced up and caught his breath suddenly:

Remus looked absolutely beautiful.

He was barefoot, wearing Muggle jeans and a comfortable old shirt; his tawny-brown hair was, as Sirius had predicted, still damp from the shower; but in the soft evening light of the apartment, he seemed to glow, like some angel. He smiled with muted eyes and a tired mouth, and paused a moment before sitting next to Sirius on the couch. The lights behind him seemed to give him a halo.

He looked - and Sirius was startled and mortified and pleased to think this - utterly fuckable.

"For me?" Remus guessed, gesturing to the extra cup of tea.

"Oh, right." Sirius passed it to him, still trying not to stare at his friend's somehow lovely face. "See if it's warm enough..."

Remus glanced down and pressed the cup to his lips, taking a testing sip; and Sirius still watched his expression - the lowered eyelids, the high cheekbones, the long eyelashes that were not quite as dark as others', but almost the same lighter shade of brown as his hair.

'By the gold light of your halo, I wanna nail ya,' Sirius suddenly thought, feverishly, then wanted to smack himself for thinking such things about his friend. The last thing Remus wanted was some man, his friend, fawning over him; the last thing Remus needed was another person to complicate his already-confused life.

Remus glanced up, smiling tiredly. "It's fine. Thank you, Sirius."

"You're welcome." 'Oh, but I do want to nail you...no, I want more. Want to give you loving and devotion that won't ever fail you...' "Do you feel better now?"

"Much," Remus answered, leaning back on the couch cushions and tucking his bare feet beneath his lithe form. "It felt marvelous to take a shower."

'Oh, gods, don't talk about being in the shower!' Sirius thought desperately, hoping that these strange thoughts would just pass before he became rather hard-pressed to explain his feelings.

Thankfully, Remus said no more, only sat in silence sipping his tea. He looked around the flat blandly, seeming to see his surroundings but not notice them...giving Sirius an opportunity to make a careful study of his friend's familiar features. 'Wanna run my fingers through your hair, and over your pale skin...'

He wasn't sure how long he stared at Remus, but he simply couldn't tear his eyes away from the beautiful man, until Remus finished his tea and sighed, then stretched. "I'm turning in," he said softly, and stiffly unfolded his legs and began to stand. One glance at the wincing expression on his face told Sirius that he was not yet fully recovered from the previous night.

Sirius leapt up, putting one arm around Remus's waist and taking his hand with the other. "Here, let me help you--"

"I'm fine, thanks," Remus said, but his voice cracked, and Sirius did not let go.

"No, come on. It won't hurt to let me walk you to your bedroom, I promise," he said with a hint of teasing in his voice, and Remus gave an amused little sigh that told Sirius everything was alright.

"Of course, Nurse Sirius," his tawny-haired friend said, sounding as though he would laugh if he had the energy. "Come, walk me to my bed, I feel faint."

Sirius did laugh at this, albeit rather weakly - the idea of Remus in any bed was a bit too much for his hormone-driven mind to handle at the moment. However, he did manage to control himself enough to lead Remus back to his room, just across the hall from Sirius's own bedroom.

He turned down the covers as Remus carefully began to undress. Though he tried his best not to watch, he found that he couldn't resist sneaking little glances at his friend. First it was just a peek out of the corner of his eye; then he actually turned his head to look over his shoulder, albeit only for a second. Then, when he could dally by the bed no longer, he turned around.

Big mistake, he thought suddenly, but it was too late. Remus was in boxers and the t-shirt, and seemed reluctant to pull off the shirt. Sirius knew that Remus did not sleep in shirts during the warmer months, so what he did next was purely out of instinct and a friendly concern. Or so he tried to tell himself.

He stepped forward and took the hem of the shirt between his fingers. Wordlessly he looked at Remus, studying the slightly confused, lovely face in the darkness of the bedroom. Then Remus, understanding, lifted his arms above his head and let Sirius undress him.

His heart was pounding the entire time, although he tried to stop it. It was like he could not resist. And when he had finished, Remus hovered by him for a moment - 'Like a holy vision,' Sirius thought - before turning away to his bed.

"Thank you, Sirius," Remus said quietly, lying down in the linens where Sirius's hands had been only moments before. "Good night."

He forgot how to speak for a moment, but finally choked out, "G'night, Remus," before fleeing the bedroom in terror and delight.

~*~

When he recounted this story to James, he expected some kind of admonition for falling for his male friend. He wanted James to solve his problems by telling him that it was wrong and he should let it go, that boys did not fall in love with other boys and Sirius should forget about this, that there was a simple solution to this dilemma.

Instead, it seemed that James momentarily lost all sense of tactfulness and blurted out, "Jesus Christ, man, you sure wanna nail him!"

"Ja-ames!" Sirius wailed, smacking his friend's shoulder and taking a gulp of his drink. "That's not what I needed to hear, you prat!"

"Well, it's the truth, isn't it?" he asked wryly.

Had Sirius not consumed several beverages already, he would have wondered where the condescension and disgust was, because James sounded only amused. But this did not cross Sirius's mind; instead, he put his head in his hands and moaned, "No, it's not the truth. It's - I want more. Oh, gods, I want more. I don't know what's wrong with me. It's like - it's like he's bloody well perfect, and I think he'll make me perfect. Or like he's not perfect, he's been through so much, and I think I can...I can..."

"Complete him," James finished for him. Sirius looked up, startled at his best friend's uncanny recognition. "I know. Congratulations, mate," he said in a suddenly gentle voice, placing an arm on Sirius's shoulder. "You're in love."

"In - in love?" Sirius would have laughed if he hadn't felt like shrieking and crying and singing as well. "In love with Remus?"

"Well, why not?"

"Because - well - you know..." Sirius shrugged inarticulately, afraid to express his reservations.

Once again, James guessed what he was going to say. "Because he's another guy? Sirius, honestly. Love's not based on gender. I mean, look at some of the folks we know. Those marriages consist of one man and one woman who hate each other. So then, if two men or two women are in love, and they're actually happy - what's wrong with it?"

"It's - it's not wrong, it's just not normal, I guess..." the taller man said hesitantly.

"Normal? No, mate, love's not normal. It's anything but." James grinned. "You act absolutely mad. Of course, you're mad anyway..."

"Thanks so much, James, really," Sirius laughed, sounding sarcastic but feeling truly grateful. "You always know just what to say."

"Well, I sort of suspected it would happen," the bespectacled man confessed. "You know... I saw you start acting the way I did when I fell in love with Lily, and I drew my conclusions from there."

They sat for a moment in silence, until James asked, "So...what does it feel like for you?"

"What does what feel like?"

"Being in love."

"It's like...oh, I dunno." Sirius shrugged again and took another gulp. "I dunno, James."

James rolled his eyes. "Sure you do. You're there. It's happening."

Taking a deep breath, he thought for a minute, until he came up with an appropriate expression. "It's like - my heart's been left up, all...exposed. It's too open. And - I wish that he'd left more to the eye."

"What do you mean?"

"I wish he didn't keep so many secrets," he said plainly. "I wish I knew exactly what he was thinking, or feeling."

James laughed lightly. "Sirius, that's not just Remus, that's everybody. Anyone who's just fallen in love will tell you that."

"But I haven't just fallen in love!" Sirius protested. "I've - I've been feeling this for...a while now," he finished helplessly. "I just - oh, hell, James, I don't know!"

Putting a brotherly hand on Sirius's shoulder again, James's blue eyes met Sirius's brown ones, and he smiled consolingly. "Love has really got you nailed, hasn't it?"

"You can say that again."

"You have to tell him, you know. I'm pretty sure he feels the same way."

"But I can't find the words--" Sirius began to protest, but James cut him off.

"Find them. And it'll happen." And James shrugged nonchalantly, with all the confidence of the Head Boy and Quidditch Captain that Sirius had been best friends with for so many years. "Trust me. You've got no other choice, after all. It'll happen."

He smiled hopefully at his best friend's brave words. "I hope so..."