Immaculate Conception

When they were younger, they both loved the same girl. She had been pretty and sub-nosed, and hadn't cared a whit for either of them. No, instead she had loved a boy with glimmering gray eyes, but he had spurned her. And so she had turned to one of them with hope in her hypnotizing eyes, but he had not had the courage in his heart to say that he loved her. And so he lost her. To the boy whom he had once called "friend."

The years passed, and the days grew brighter, and each dawn held a new world for them, with new and exciting discoveries every day. They were still friends in a fashion, but it was a grudging comradeship, for now the girl was between them, and it seemed as if she had found permanence there. It created a wary sort of bitterness amid them, the boy and his friend, and the girl with the hazel eyes sat back and watched as they fought between themselves. She found it amusing. Especially since it was over her. And besides, she had grown to resent the boy with the too-large robes and the too-dark hair and his too-green eyes always upon her. "If you loved me then," she was fond of saying, "would you have fought for me then like you fight against me now?" And he could not reply, for he knew that she knew that he still loved her, in a sad, twisted way, like a little boy abused by those he cherishes most. He loved them both. And there was nothing he could do about it.

Until he met Lex. She was laughing, she was golden, but most importantly, she made him forget the girl with the green robes and the hazel eyes. Green clad now, even more so, for her jealousy. He didn't understand how anyone could be jealous of Lex, and yet he held that certain self-satisfaction close to his heart.

And the months passed, and he was happy, for Lex brightened every room she entered, he was only curious that he had not noticed it before. He blamed it on carelessness, when in truth he had only seen someone else in those years, someone with red, red hair and glittering hazel orbs. He had not been looking for a laughing girl with a gap between her two front teeth and yards of silky black hair. He had not been looking freckles, or a warm smile that closed any distance between the two of you immediately.

No, instead he had been looking for another Lily. Another Lily, to fill the space the first one had left. And when the masks all fell down, he wanted nothing more than to blot her from his sight. And now he could. And what made it all the better was that Lex didn't know a thing about it. Sometimes, he thought with a pang, I wish no one did. But the past was the past, and the future was the future, and there was nothing he could do to change it. No matter how hard he tried.

**********************************

It was hard not to be bitter. When I first saw them together, James and Lex, dancing as if they'd been born in one another's arms, I broke the glass of mulled cider I'd been steadily sipping. It shattered under pressure, sending hot pinpricks of glass into my palm with nary a regret. "Don't be a fool, Lily," I whispered angrily to myself. But I was a fool. A fool to think that I could string him along for years like that. I loved them both equally, I tried to console myself. Severus and James. This wasn't my fault.

Later, I confronted him in the hall about it. "It was always good enough for you before," I scolded him. "Why have things changed?"

"Because there's no room for me in your heart, Lily," he said with a harsh laugh. "You've made that quite clear." It was only then that I realized what I'd done, and the kind of person I'd become along the way. Not that I hadn't admitted at, at least to some extent, as our relationship quickly spun into chaos and disorder. But now the dagger twisted more sharply into my heart. The truth was, I had liked being in control, and controlling him was something I was good at.

James was like my own, personal experiment in manipulation.

The years flew by. I was happy with Severus, or at least I told myself I was. We made plans-to visit the Continent, Africa, the Americas. Mostly our future plans revolved around one another, and the search for future happiness. "I want everything to be perfect," he told me countless times. And it was. But I was bored with it, and longed for something-someone-different. I could not tell him that. Unlike James, I would never break his heart.

Sometimes, in life, we are given a second chance to redeem ourselves. My second chance was winning the wizard sweepstakes for a trip to Bali. One ticket only. Forwards and back. Too bad we cannot rewind everything in our lives that way. Severus would not be joining me, as he had business in London. I cannot pretend I was not relieved. I needed this break. Not only from Severus, but from England too, and the dark clouds that were steadily gathering over our heads. I needed Bali-someplace balmy and forgotten, where I could hide from the sins of my past. The friendship I had destroyed. The love I had squandered. The reality I had left behind.

Severus had asked me to marry him before I left. I did not reply.

It is strange how the wheel of fate can turn at the instant when you've forgotten to grab onto something stable, and toss you headlong into the air. People don't always land on their feet. I didn't. And I try not to. Life is a whole lot more interesting that way.

It was my last night, heavy and humid, and I was feeling very much like the rewind button on my brain had gotten jammed. No matter what I did-swam, ate, or paced up and down the beach like I was doing now-my thoughts always seemed to turn back to James. Don't think about it, I cautioned myself, but it was no use. You'll only make a muddle of things. He's probably married by now, with two kids and a dog. Mental imagery hurt in some oddly piercing way, like that glass of cider, but it was something I had to do. The same way I forced myself to remember the face we had always presented to the outside world in our old days at Hogwarts. Before the masque was over, and before we parted ways. Sometimes I wondered about my old classmates that way. And in the same way, sometimes I thought it was better not to know. That's the crazy thing about stuff like that.

I settled myself down in the sand, drawing my knees up to my chest, taking in the sunset one last time. Suddenly, a voice from the past whispered in my ear.

"Mind if I join you?" Okay, so he didn't whisper. But you catch my drift.

"Since you're a dream, I deem it acceptable," I replied, staring straight ahead so he wouldn't see my tears.

"Good, because I was going to anyway, whether you liked it or not." I could imagine his grin, so carefree and infectious. I wished I could share his happiness. Instead, I shared the sunset with him, the salty tang of the breeze on our lips, the sunlight filtering through our hair.

"Are you married to Lex?" I asked with a sudden courage, still not daring to look at him, afraid of what I might do.

"Are you married to Severus?"

"I asked you first."

"No." His voice was so casual that I dared sneak a peek at him. This was no lovelorn child. No, this was a man. A good-looking man, a man who knew what he wanted from life. Unlike me.

"Why not?" I asked, trying to sound coolly indifferent. I failed. Miserably.

"The same reason you probably haven't gotten married to Severus yet," James countered charmingly. "Am I right?"

I shrugged. "You could be."

"I saw Severus in London," James admitted, a bit awkwardly. "He wasn't his usual cordial self."

"Well," I sighed, twirling my hair around my finger. "I can't blame him." A sudden thought occurred to me. "Did you ask where I was?" I wasn't sure whether to be flattered or irate.

"Nah. I read The Daily Prophet, same as everybody." James winked, and that was when it hit me, those green eyes, like gunshots.

"Where are your glasses?"

"Underneath the tires of Lex's Camaro, I assume." He shrugged, somewhat sheepishly. "At least, that's what she was threatening when I left."

"Sweet, innocent Lex who wouldn't hurt a fly?" I asked in an innocently shocked tone myself.

"Yep," he agreed. And then he leaned over, and did the most natural thing in the whole world. He kissed me. It was more than a locking of lips. It was a locking of souls, and of destinies. And even though I crept away the next morning, I knew that the decision I had made would stay with me wherever I went, whatever path I chose to follow. Fate is unpredictable. And she rules us all-body, mind, and soul.

**********************************

She was different when she came back, though he could not pinpoint exactly why. Even her kisses were different, and the way he held her at night seemed to be too much, as if he was caging a wild bird. He tried to tell himself that he was overreacting, and that her words of love rang true. But he came upon her too many times just staring wistfully off into the distance for that, and wondered if he was the one who had faltered in some way, failing her.

When she told him she was pregnant, he wondered if it was a sign that he was more excited than she was. He kept telling himself it was the jitters, not that it was something he had done himself. But still, the doubts festered. And finally, when a girl he'd once known knocked on the door, telling him she had information he deserved to know, he denied it hotly and showed her the door.

But when he saw those green eyes, he knew, beyond a shadow of a doubt, just whose child it was.