The Empire Strikes Out

The Empire Strikes Out

By: Jewels

Harry Potwalker, young rebel soldier as famous for his piloting skills as he was for the lightening bolt scar on his forehead, was riding on the back of a Won Ton, a Chinese import that when not used for transportation made a tasty snack when fried. Harry circled around the icy hills surrounding the hidden rebel base located in Northern Scotland.

"This is disgusting," Harry thought, "Why can't they pick a nice beach to house our hidden base. It always has to be in the worst places like a barren desert or frozen tundra." He shook his head as he continued to take the readings that he would bring back to the base.

Harry was traveling on automatic as he day-dreamed of when he single-handedly destroyed the Death Star, Darth Vadermort's and his Death Troopers' super-powered space station. He was riding his Firebolt Fighter when he caught the Snitch, destroying the large machine.

"AAAAARRRRGGGGHHHH!" Harry screamed as he was struck from behind by a large shaggy snow Yeti. Harry remembered studying these creatures in his fifth year, and just before he lost consciousness he wished he had paid more attention in Professor Donnalaith's class.

*****

"What do you mean he hasn't reported back in yet?" Hands Draco said as he looked up from his repairs on the Slytherin Falcon, a gift from his father that was originally used to buy his way onto the smuggling team in his neighborhood. Hands Draco was a rogue, a scoundrel as the Princess liked to call him, who had become involved with the rebels when he was hired by Albus Wan Kenobi and Harry Potwalker. He had planned to only stay around long enough to collect his reward, but had remained in an attempt to get to know the beautiful Princess Ginnia better.

"I mean what I said. He hasn't come back, and although he tends to day-dream he usually reports back in," Princess Ginnia said in frustration, "If you'd quit looking at your reflection and listen you'd have heard the first time." Princess Ginnia was the leader of the rebel alliance. Her parents, the King and Queen of Weasley, were killed when Darth Vadermort demonstrated the destructive power of the Death Star by destroying the planet Burrow.

"Well, your worship, I'll go check this out," Hands Draco said. He turned back to the Slytherin Falcon and yelled, "Chewblacka get over here."

Ginnia cringed as the large Wookie approached. She knew she shouldn't be so upset about his appearance (comma) but it always made her shudder to be around him.

Chewblacka was a Wookie, a large ape-like creature, but he hadn't always been. At one time Chewblacka was an ordinary man, Sirius Black. He had been a known prankster and had pulled one prank too many on Emperor Snape back when the two attended school together. The Emperor Snape had slipped a potion into Black's Ogden's Fire Whiskey and when Black attempted to transfigure himself into a large dog, as he was known to do, he was irreversibly transfigured into a Wookie. Since then Chewblacka traveled around with Hands Draco, the only known Wookie-tongue in three generations. Although annoyed by the leather clad smuggler it was the only chance he had to remain connected with his previous life.

"Roror Woof," Chewblacka barked his reply.

"Continue working on the Falcon. I'm going to look for Potwalker. Seems he's gone and got himself lost again," Hands Draco said. Chewblacka barked again and returned to his repairs.

"Well, I'm off to go find the little git," Hands Draco said.

"Will the two of you ever get along?" Ginnia asked, shaking her head.

Hands Draco paused as if pondering her question, then smiled and said, "With a prize as lovely as you between us, somehow I doubt it."

The princess rolled her eyes, "I'm no-one's prize. Now get out there."

"Gee, I was sort of hoping you'd be upset to see me leaving," Hands Draco teased before walking toward the doors.

Ginnia smirked and quietly said, "No, with those trousers, I never tire of seeing you leave."

"What was that, miss?" asked the shiny gold robot standing at her side.

"Oh nothing. What is it that you need, C3PerC?" Ginnia asked the protocol droid that always seemed to annoy her. She wasn't sure if it was because he was insufferable when it came to rules and etiquette, or if it was because his creator thought it humorous to give the droid red hair and freckles like her own.

"It's R2DoeB, Ma'am," C3PerC said in an almost apologetic manner, "he's slamming his antennae in the door again."

She shook her head and rolled her eyes, "Okay where is he?" She never understood why the utility droids were programmed with the personalities of House Elves.

*****

"Stupid git. I'm stuck freezing my arse because that idiot wanted to check out a meteorite," Hands Draco said. His Wan Ton turned in attempt to figure out what his rider said, but just huffed a reply before barking and falling over dead.

"Great useless beasts," Hands Draco said as he stood to brush the snow off his black leather trousers, "And you stink. Even dead, you beasts stink." He kicked the large beast in frustration and fell as he did so. He stood again, cursing, and noticed an entrance to a cave. "Might as well," he said to himself as he walked toward the cave. As he entered the icy cave he was instantly assaulted by the worst sound his ears had ever heard. A person may have called it music, but they'd have to be a sick, demented individual to do so. It reminded Hands Draco of someone beating a cat with the mingling of a dying cow mooing in the background.

"I think I've been hanging around Harry too long," Hands Draco thought as he found himself heading toward the ear splitting sound.

*****

Harry Potwalker hung from the ceiling suspended by his ankles. He tried to summon his light saber wand using the wandless magic taught to him by Albus Wan Kenobi, but the horrible sound coming from the next chamber was interfering with his ability to focus.

"Use the force, Harry," said the disembodied voice of his deceased mentor.

"Albus Wan, is that you?" Harry said unbelievingly.

"That is professor to you young man, and yes it is me," Albus Wan said, "help is on the way. You must hang on until it does."

"What else am I supposed to do?" Harry said as he looked at his feet secured in their glacial manacles.

"Young Potwalker you have spent too much time in the company of Hands Draco. Sarcasm does not suit you," Albus Wan said, "Now, Harry, you must listen to me. When you return to the base you must go to the Zonkos System."

"Zonkos," Harry mumbled as if in a trance.

"There you will find the Jedi Master, Yoda, who will continue your training as a Jedi Wizard," Albus Wan continued.

"Zonkos... Jedi Master... Yoda..." Harry mumbled again.

*****

Draco followed the retched sound down the frozen caverns until he came upon its source. He had heard of these devices before, but had never before seen a muggle 8-track player, and it confused him even further to find it in the den of a snow Yeti.

He crouched down to read the control panel and pressed the eject button, ending the din coming from the speakers. His ears rang in the sudden silence. "Yoko Ono?" Hands Draco said as he read the label. "She must be the most evil being alive," Hands Draco thought, as he stomped on the cartridge he had removed.

A roar signaled him to remove the blaster from the holster on his hip, and he headed after the creature. He hadn't traveled far before he located the shaggy off-white animal heading toward him, angry because its music ended. When it saw Hands Draco the beast roared again. Frothy drool dripped from the corners of its mouth as it approached Hands Draco slowly dragging a club behind. It stopped no more than three metres in front of the leather clad smuggler before putting on an elaborate display of intricate club swings.

"Hmmm very impressive," Draco smirked as he thought, "This thing listens to an 8-track player and expects to kill me with a club, must be a Gryffindor."

When the beast finished his demonstration, snarling a threat as he moved toward the intruder, Draco smiled , lifted his blaster and shot a hole through the center of the creature. "Definitely a Gryffindor," Hands Draco said as he stepped over the dead beast.

He found Harry hanging upside down muttering incomprehensibly. He seized Harry's light sabre wand from the floor of the cave and ignited it. His eyes widened as he swished it around. He had always been jealous of the size and maneuverability of Harry's wand, but would die before letting Harry know that. He sighed before he cut Harry from his frozen restraints and didn't flinch as Harry crashed to the ground. He extinguished the wand and attached it to the clip on Harry's belt. He cursed under his breath about the need for Harry to eat fewer chocolate frogs as he dragged him from the cave to the corpse of the dead Won Ton. He held his breath, slit open its belly and stuffed Harry Potwalker inside, gasping for breath as he was overcome by the stench of the creatures entrails. Once satisfied that Harry was secured in the warmth of the dead animals belly, he set up a small tent,and went inside the magically warmed structure to await their rescue.

*****

Harry was submerged in a pool of a medicinal fluid while Ginnia, Hands Draco, Chewblacka, C3PerC and R2DoeB anxiously awaited news about his recovery.

Ginnia addressed the busy Pomfreybot, the infirmary droid, "Will he be okay? Did the exposure to the cold cause any permanent damage?"

"Oh the cold didn't cause any damage to Potwalker, but some idiot covered him in animal guts. Now, that almost killed him. He should recover though," the Pomfreybot said proudly, "I may be old but I'm not obsolete." Hands Draco blushed and made an effort to appear nonchalant as he mumbled something about needing to check on the Slytherin Falcon.

*****

"No, R2, I'm not going to rendezvous with the others," Harry Potwalker said in response to the curious beeps and whistles that were translated on the luminous screen in front of Harry. "It will be okay. Albus Wan wants me to go to the Zonkos System," Harry said.

R2DoeB responded by repeatedly slamming his antennae in the hatch door. "Will you stop? You're going to make us crash---arrrrgggghhhh!" Harry said as he lost control of the Firebolt Fighter and crashed onto the surface of the planet below.

It was with Harry's good fortune that the planet was neither frozen nor an arid desert. "No," Harry thought, "This time I get an insect infested swamp."

Harry gathered supplies with R2DoeB and set off on his quest to find Yoda, the Jedi Master. Harry had no idea what or who he was looking for. He just knew he needed to find him. He was wondering if he was on the right path when he came upon a sign with a flashing neon finger pointing in the direction he was headed. The sign read, 'This way to Yoda's Jedi Wizard School and Cantina'.

"What am I getting myself into?" Harry asked no one in particular as he read the sign.

"I would say the Zonko swamp," said a small redheaded, freckled creature wearing a knitted pull over with an orange letter 'F' on his chest.

"But," said a second identical creature, "If you take the trail on the left you'll go to the Burping Bog, but I wouldn't recommend that." The second creature wore a puce 'G' on his chest. It was the only thing that could be used to tell the creatures apart.

"I'm looking for someone," Harry said.

"Found someone, you have," said the second creature.

"Actually, brother, he's found two someones, he has," said the first.

"You are very right," said the second, "how fortunate our new friend is."

"Yes," Harry said sarcastically, "my luck just keeps getting better. Unfortunately you aren't who I need to find."

"Alas, we never are," said the second, "I need to do something to cheer myself up."

"I agree," said the first, "Let's blow up a toilet and send mum the seat. She liked the first one so much."

Harry shook his head. "Now if you'll just get out of my way, erm..." Harry hesitated when he realized that he didn't know who or what he'd been talking to.

"Our manners," said the first.

"Mum would be so angry," said the second, "allow us to introduce ourselves."

"I'm Froda," said the first.

"And I'm Geoda," said the second, "that's with a soft G not a J."

"And you are?" said Froda.

"Sorry. I'm Potwalker. Harry Potwalker," Harry answered, "and I'm trying to find a great warrior."

"Won't happen," Geoda said.

"Yes, you're out of luck there. Poor thing, and he was on such a streak, what with meeting us and all," Froda added.

"What do you mean?" Harry asked as he sat on a log.

"We're supposed to tell you how war doesn't make one great and that you shouldn't try," Geoda said.

"Because," Froda added, "there is no try. You either do or do not."

"Wow, that's deep," Harry said.

"We have our moments," Geoda said.

"But that doesn't help me find the Jedi Master," Harry whined.

Froda and Geoda turned to each other with wide eyes and said in unison, "Oooooh, Jedi Master. Yoda. You seek Yoda."

"That's right. Can you take me to him," Harry asked excitedly.

"No," they both spoke in unison again.

"What? You can't? Why not?" Harry asked shaking his head.

"No, sorry," Geoda said, "No can do."

"This is one of those 'do not' things," Froda said, "sorry if that's any inconvenience to you."

Harry stared shocked at the pair titian-haired creatures. "We can offer you a sweet if that makes you feel any better," Froda added when seeing Harry's reaction.

Harry waved off the yellow duck shaped sweet offered to him. "Come on, pleeeaaasse," Harry pleaded.

"Is he whining?" Geoda asked his twin who nodded his reply. "Because I hate it when the students whine like that. It's just too annoying," Geoda added.

Froda chuckled, "It's not that we won't. We can't."

"Yep, no sense whining about it now. Yoda isn't here," said Geoda.

"What?" Harry said, "Albus Wan told me I'd find him here."

"That's the problem with being on the other side," Froda said, "You die and you just miss out on a few things."

"Yoda lives here normally," Geoda said, "but he's on holiday. Said something about too much time in this insect infested swamp and went to Disney World."

Harry exhaled forcefully and dropped his head into his hands. "How am I supposed to get my training now?" Harry whined.

"He's whining again," Geoda said, "We can't train him. He'll drive me crazy."

"He doesn't whine much more that you did if I can recall," said the disembodied voice of Albus Wan Kenobi.

"Erm, Professor, I'm not sure I want to learn from them," Harry said pointing at the creatures.

"Why are you talking to the tree tops? I'm right beside you," Albus Wan said. As he finished his statement he gradually became more solid, but one could still see through him. "And Harry, you don't have much of a choice," his onetime mentor told him.

"Hey there you translucent old fool. Nice of you to join us," said Geoda.

"Come on Harry," Froda said, "It will be fun and your luck is improving again. You see, we now offer a degree in Mixology."

"A degree in what?" Harry asked.

"Mixology. We opened the Cantina as a side thing. Not much call for Jedi these days, so it's always good to have something to fall back on," Geoda said, "By the time we finish with you, you'll be a Jedi Wizard and bar tender capable of working at some of the universe's finest resorts."

*****

"I thought you said this hunk of junk was fast," Ginnia said, as Hands Draco and Chewblacka attempted to evade the pursuing Imperial Fighters.

"The Slytherin Falcon is not a hunk of junk. It's saved my life more times than I can count. I'll have you know she has a few surprises left in her," Hands Draco said.

"How high can you count?" Ginnia said matching Hands' trademarked sneer. "I just hope it's not, 'surprise, you're dead.' That would not be a pleasant surprise," Ginnia answered.

"You know, you aren't helping. Why don't you go somewhere and discuss something in committee, or send out some royal decree or whatever it is you queens in training do for fun," Hands Draco said, annoyed at the princess. Chewblacka barked his agreement. Ginnia huffed and ran off to find C3PerC.

"She's nice to look at, but she sure can nag," Hands Draco said as she left.

A few moments later the sensors on the Falcon's control panel beeped and squeaked as Chewblacka began toggling switches. A smile spread across Hands Draco's face as he looked over his fuzzy companion's shoulder.

"That's it," He said excitedly, "Rondo."

"What's Rondo? I've never heard of that system?" Ginnia said.

"Oh are you back already?" Hands Draco said with a smirk. She glared back. Then he answered her question, "Rondo isn't a system. He's a person, Rondo Calweaslian. We can hide out at his place."

"Do you trust him?" Ginnia asked.

"No, not really, but he's the last person I'd expect to have anything to do with the Empire," Hands answered her.

They landed and were greeted by a tall slender red head. Hands Draco ran up to him with open arms and was stunned when he was punched in the face by his host.

"Hey, what was that for?" Hands asked as he rubbed his jaw.

"I thought you needed it," Rondo said, "besides it always bugged me that the ladies think you look great in leather and I never seem to be able to pull that look off."

"Oh, okay," Hands said, "I thought it was something I did."

"Who is this lovely thing?" Rondo asked smiling at Ginnia.

"Ginnia," she answered for herself.

Hands Draco leaned toward Rondo and whispered, "Trust me you don't want to mess with this one."

"Don't worry. She is pretty but something about her makes me think of my sister," Rondo answered quietly. Then more loudly added, "Follow me. I have dinner waiting inside."

They followed Rondo Calweaslian down a long hallway to a dining room. Sitting at the head of the table was none other than Darth Vadermort, flanked by four Death Troopers and two Storm Eaters.

"How kind of you to join us," Vadermort said as they entered the room.

"Rondo?" Hands Draco said to his host, "What's the big deal?"

Rondo laughed, "I thought I'd see what it's like to be bad. It gets so annoying being the goody-goody sidekick for years. Besides, you know I'm always out of pocket money, and Vadermort offered me, well more than you can ever imagine."

"I don't know about that, Rondo, I can imagine quite a lot," Hands Draco said angrily, "I can't believe a Calweaslian has gone to the dark side."

"I didn't go all bad. Just dabbled a little. You can't tell me you never tried it," Rondo explained.

Hands blushed with embarrassment, but Ginnia was furious. "You no good scruffy looking Nerf herder," the Princess screamed.

"Hey, who are you calling scruffy looking?" Hands asked defensively as he straightened his hair and smoothed his jacket.

"Don't get your knickers in a twist love," Rondo said, "A princess should have better control of her emotions. It's no wonder that Vadermort blew up your home planet."

"I have to agree, her temper asked for that one," Vadermort said, "Draco, how do you put up with it?" Hands Draco just shrugged. "Now if you will just go into the room we can complete the business at hand."

Vadermort led them all into a large room with a deep hole in the floor. He ordered the pig-like goblins to ready the chamber and said, "Any last words Draco. I'm not sure you will survive the carbon freezing."

"Rosebud is the sled," Hands Draco said with an evil smirk.

"Noooo, I was reading Citizen Cane and now you've spoiled it all. Put him in the chamber. I'll delay this no longer," Vadermort screamed.

Hands Draco was pushed to the platform and lowered him into the hole in the center of the room. Vadermort nodded and the lower portion of the room filled with a cold mist. Another nod and the platform rose revealing what had been done to the smuggler. Hands Draco was now encased in carbonite and resembled a bronzed baby shoe.

"Aaaaggghhh," Ginnia screamed, "you froze him with his bum facing the wall. How could you? His bum's his only decent feature."

"Sorry Princess, but I planned to use him as cloak rack," Vadermort said as he removed his cloak to demonstrate. He turned to the goblins and said, "Prepare the chamber for Potwalker."

When Ginnia responded with an expression of shock he added, "My decorator recommended I do things in pairs, you know it's the Feng Shui thing, having a balance. It's nothing personal. They're the same height."

*****

Harry Potwalker had to plead his case to leave school early, "Your training is not yet completed," Froda told him.

"You still have a way to go before you are a true Jedi Master and bartender," Geoda said.

"I know. It's just that this disturbance in the force is too much. My scar is hurting all the time, and the nightmares about the others are getting worse. I need to go to the Princess," Harry pleaded.

"You must think with the head on your shoulders, Harry," Albus Wan warned. Harry blushed but continued to pack his things. He had long ago repaired the damage to his ship that had occurred during the crash. He now only needed to board the Firebolt Fighter to begin his journey.

"Always remember this one thing Harry," Froda said, "The force is like Duct Tape: it has a light side and a dark side and binds all things together." When he noticed that everyone looked at him oddly, he added, "Okay, so I got it off of someone's signature on a message board. It's true isn't it?"

Geoda shook his head and stepped past his brother, "Don't forget, your training is still not complete. You should stick only to the basics. Do not mix any of those exotic flaming mixed drinks." Harry nodded with a sincere understanding and left Zonkos.

*****

Harry landed at Rondo Calweaslian's. "That's odd," Harry thought, "I feel at home here, like I'm at my best friend's house or something."

Harry and R2DoeB found C3PerC first. The protocol droid had seen better days. In fact, he had never been in worse shape. They found him in pieces, babbling about the thickness of cauldron bottoms. Chewblacka rounded the corner holding C3PerC's missing left leg and right pinky finger. He grunted a brief acknowledgment to Harry as he and R2DoeB began their repairs on the redheaded, freckled robot. The Wookie and the Elvin Droid chuckled as they discussed alterations they could make in C3PerC's programming using a complicated series of grunts, beeps, and whistles.

Harry left them to continue his search for Ginnia. He found Rondo first. After a tense introduction and a quick game of Wizard's Chess that Harry lost, Rondo explained what happened to Hands Draco and warned Harry that Vadermort planned to turn him into a matching cloak rack.

"I won't let him," Harry said, "I can't spend eternity frozen beside Draco. That would truly be a fate worse than death."

Rondo agreed with Harry and gave Harry a special map that allowed him to see who was where in the city by the presence of small dots representing the people that moved around on the map as the people did. Harry was worried when he noticed that Ginnia was in the same room as Vadermort. He could hold back no longer as he hurried to her rescue.

"Harry, no! It's a trap!" she screamed when she saw him, but it was too late. Vadermort had seen Harry and even if he hadn't, her screaming would certainly would have alerted everyone to Harry's presence, thus ending any chance of subterfuge on Harry's part.

"Harry, can we talk?" Vadermort said.

"May we talk, Vadermort," C3PerC shouted to correct the Dark Wizards grammar.

"Not now you silly droid, I need to talk with Potwalker," Vadermort said before adding, "alone," as he stared icily at the princess.

"I can tell when I'm not wanted," Ginnia said as she stormed out of the room.

"What is it Vadermort?" Harry asked as though he was a bored teenager.

"What do you know about your parents?" Vadermort asked as he sat and motioned for Harry to do the same.

"Not much, but enough. They told me you killed them," Harry answered defiantly.

"Part of that is true. I did kill your mother. I have to admit I do have a bad temper and she could be so infuriating at times. But I didn't kill your father," Vadermort told him.

"You lie. Albus Wan said you killed him," Harry challenged.

"No Harry, it is not a lie. I am your father," Vadermort said with drama.

"Noooo! It can't be. There is no way I am destined to be an ugly snake person who has to wear a mask and breaths like a pervert," Harry said, "It just can't be true."

"Search your feelings," he said as he held out a slip of paper, "And your birth certificate. You know it to be true. If you join me we can rule the Empire together as father and son. It will be loads of fun. We can get a cute little sign that says 'Vadermort and Son'. I always wanted one of those."

"No thanks," Harry said as if turning down the offer of milk for his tea. "I've always been somewhat of a loner. If you had been a real father you'd have known that, and the fact that my teachers have always said that I don't work well with others."

"I can complete your training," Vadermort said.

"My training is almost completed, and you don't have a liquor license, so that isn't much of an offer," Harry countered.

"I have money and power," Vadermort offered again.

"You don't think that I didn't get paid for destroying your Death Star do you? Between that and the paid endorsements I have no need for your money or power," Harry said.

"I can let you borrow the Star Destroyer for the weekend," Vadermort said.

"Nah, the chicks like the Firebolt better than that tank. I mean it's a classic, and a convertible," Harry said.

"You will join me or die," Vadermort retorted, changing his bargaining techniques.

"I've always been partial to daisies," Harry said.

"What?" Vadermort asked, confused.

"You said, 'join me or die.' I just thought it'd be nice for you to put flowers I like on my grave, since I'm not joining you!" Harry said, his face illuminated by the pink glow of his father's light sabre wand.

Harry matched his elder's stance, igniting his light sabre wand only seconds after his father. They began to battle in earnest. Harry demonstrated the full extent of his training as he completed a series of flips and jumps that seemed to defy gravity, but Vadermort still managed to pin Harry into a corner.

Harry was looking around trying to figure a way out when Vadermort swung his sabre wand forward, severing Harry's left arm.

"I can't believe you just cut off my bloody arm," Harry said, "I'll call child protection!"

"Now make sure you get the story right. It wasn't bloody until I cut it off," Vadermort said, "and quit whining!"

Harry began yelling about having a controlling, abusive father and how he was ruining his life. He also managed to throw in a few comments about all the missed birthdays and Christmas'. "And let's not forget the whole killing my mother because she got on your nerves thing," Harry added angrily.

"Arrrggghhh, I can't take this," Vadermort said before plunging to his death off of the platform on which they stood.

Harry shrugged as he as he watched his father's endless descent of death. "My luck is the pits," Harry said, "I finally get family and what happens? We have one little fight and the git goes and kills himself." Harry shook his head sighed and went off to find the Princess.

She was pouting as she watched Chewblacka and R2DoeB complete the repairs on C3PerC.

"Does anyone have a Band-Aid?" Harry asked, as he slumped clumsily into the room.

Ginnia rushed to his side and embraced him. Before he knew it the two of them were kissing passionately, so much so that even the droids blushed. When Harry regained a bit of focus he pulled away from the Princess and said, "but what about Hands Draco?"

"Oh him, I had been looking for a new cloak rack for the front hall of the palace," Ginnia said. Harry smiled and kissed her again. "Besides," she added, "I never liked blondes much anyway, but, erm, Harry, do you think you could try on a pair of his leather trousers?"

The End!

Thank Goodness!