No Other Option

No Other Option

Chapter Two - Disclosure

Severus was packing furiously when Albus entered his soon-to-be-former quarters

"Severus-"

"Albus." He acknowledged curtly. "It is done. Kindly leave me to my packing now."

The older wizard sighed at his biting tone.

"Resume your packing? And why are you packing, Severus? Where do you believe you are going?"

"Away." Unknown to both men, Hermione Granger had just reached the doorway. "My letter of resignation is on the table."

Hermione's breath caught. Letter of resignation? It had something to do with what had happened, she was sure. She listened on.

"Severus, you cannot possibly be serious."

"No, Albus, you cannot possibly be serious. Did you really expect me to continue teaching Miss Granger for another year after what I just did to her? You thought that I would put her through that added humiliation? I never thought you knew me this badly!"

The Headmaster was asking him to stay??? And he seemed so sorry... but why had he done it in the first place? What had he meant by 'Because it had to be done.'? And she wouldn't be alive to be taught next year...

"You cannot leave!"

"Oh, I believe I can. Unless, of course, Miss Granger wants to press charges, in which case I will wait here for Fudge's lackeys to pick me up."

"She would not do that! Miss Granger is an exceptionally mature young woman, Severus, surely she understood why you had to do what you did."

"She understood nothing, Albus, because I explained her nothing. Forgive me for not always being as cold as you would expect, but I could not stomach holding her here any longer to tell her I had just raped her 'for her own good'. Why don't you tell her? Go ahead, go find her. See if it's that easy to say ' Miss Granger, my dear, we needed a mixture of semen with forcefully taken virgin blood to cure you, and the man you used to call "Professor" - who, by the way, was once a Death Eater - couldn't find some for sale, or rather, his former business associates refused to sell it to him, so he had to take yours. I'm sure you'll understand we couldn't ask your opinion on the subject, or it wouldn't be forcefully taken. We assumed you would rather live, even if it was emotionally scarred for the rest of your life for having been raped by the man whose miserable life you would have died to save'!!! Why don't you explain it to her, Albus? Or is that a Death Eater task as well? Why don't you try to tell her that, after what I did to her, she should forgive me because it was for her own good? I DON'T WANT HER BLOODY FORGIVENESS! I WOULD RATHER HAVE HER HATRED THAN HER BLOODY FORGIVENESS!" Suddenly he sounded tired. "Leave me alone, Albus. You had better start looking for a new Potions Professor."

"Don't you see you will be killed the minute you leave the front gates? That now that Lucius has exposed you there will be a price on your head? Don't you see you won't last a week unprotected??? That you will be throwing away your life?"

"It never was much of a life, anyway," he answered quietly. "This discussion is over, Albus, you will not change my mind. I would appreciate it if you would leave me alone now."

Hermione's mind was a mess. Everything made sense now, the Headmaster's reaction, Severus' behaviour... She had wondered before why he had needed to take both the Hardening and the Releasing Potions... now she knew. Because she had been right about him all along, because that wasn't him. And maybe, just maybe, he didn't hate her after all. Even after all that had happened, she loved him. She loved him even more now that she knew what he had done, that he had sacrificed a piece of himself in order to save her. That he had never wanted to hurt her at all. She couldn't let him leave like this, to die. 'It never was much of a life, anyway.' She felt tears coming to her eyes but swallowed them down. Now was not the time for tears.

As she made to enter, her path crossed with the Headmaster's, who was just leaving. None spoke, but a flash of understanding passed between them and, as Albus smiled, Hermione was sure he knew she had overheard and, more importantly, that she would not hurt Severus. He moved aside.

Severus' back was to the door, and his mind far away, so he missed the silent exchange. When the door closed he allowed his shoulders to sag in relief. His mind was set, it had been set ever since he had realised what he had to do, and he felt rather grateful that Albus had not insisted further. Then she spoke.

"I heard you talking..."

The Potions Master started. Oh, Gods, she was here. How could she be here, how could she have closed the door after what had happened? He acknowledged her presence without turning.

"Miss Granger."

Tentative footsteps came his way and a hesitant hand went up to his shoulder. Unbidden, the memories of her kissing him and holding him close nearly choked him, and he understood he would do anything she told him to. Watever her revenge was, she would get it. Her actual words surprised him.

"I don't want you to go."

He turned so abruptly that she stumbled and he had to take hold of her elbows to prevent her from falling to the floor. Breathing became almost impossible. He let her go and stepped backwards.

"Whatever Gryffindor feeling inspired you to say this to me, Miss Granger, is misplaced." He looked her in the eyes. "I raped you. I am not sorry. Given the circumstances, I would do it again, if I must. That ought to be enough for you to understand that your nobility is wasted on me."

No, she thought ruefully, you're not sorry, you're just drowning in guilt.

"Did you enjoy it, then?" She asked defiantly, her chin stuck up. She saw his face crumble and he closed his eyes as if to block out her words.

"No, Hermione, I did not. But I would do it again, if I must. That is who I am."

"Then I guess I should be grateful for who you are." His eyes snapped open. "If you weren't who you are I'd be dead."

Severus' self-hatred was overwhelming. Gods, no, not her forgiveness, anything but that.

"You should not. One should never be grateful for rape."

She took a step closer. "One should be grateful for life."

"That, I believe," he answered bitterly, "would depend on which life."

The significance of his words hung in the air and, for the first time, Hermione understood that he wished with all his heart that she would have let him die. She watched helplessly as he resumed his packing.

"Please don't go."

"There is no other option."

"Yes there is! Don't you see? If you go, it will all have been for nothing!"

Severus turned back in surprise, waiting for her to elaborate.

"Everything that happened since Malfoy came here, what I did, what you had to do... it will all have been wasted, it will all lead to the same result... it will all lead to your death."

He paused to let the breath out, slowly trying to control his mounting guilt. It was not enough that she had saved him, that he had just raped her, now he had to find himself wanting her to touch him again... even if only the light touch of her hand on his shoulder, it had felt so comforting... Gods, he was absolutely disgusting, wanting to take comfort from her!

"Death is sometimes a good thing, Hermione."

She fixed her sad eyes on his. "You really want to, don't you? You know, it's funny. I walked in here, ready to press charges against you if that was what it took to keep you alive... now that Azkaban isn't being guarded by Dementors anymore, I figured you would be better off locked in a cell than being hunted out there..." Although her voice remained steady, tears started to fall. "But you really want to, don't you? It's all you want. Go, then. If... if there is nothing more for you here, then I guess you should be allowed to leave. I'll miss you. Do you hate me? For having stopped Malfoy..?"

Those words were the hardest thing Hermione had ever said. She had never been a quitter, fighting on was second nature to her, so she had never imagined it would be that hard to give up on something. She used to think giving up was for cowards, and yet letting him go to his death like that took all her courage.

Severus was having trouble finding his voice. She was crying for him. Not beacuse of him, for him. And the things she had just told him... while Albus might have given up apparently, he was sure the old Headmaster was talking to people, lpotting, scheming to keep him out of harm's way. What she was offering him... that was true freedom, to choose, to do, to be... then her last question clicked into place and he pulled her into a comforting embrace before he could think the better of it.

"Never. I could never hate you, Hermione, never. You are the one who should hate me, not the other way around. Sshh. Don't cry. It's alright, don't cry. Why are you crying?"

"Because I don't want you to die. Because there is nothing I can do or say that will make you want to stay, nothing I can give you..."

Suddenly she stopped talking and he noticed a change in her eyes, a light not unlike the one she had when figuring out the solution to a particularly difficult problem.

"What if I don't come back next year? What if I transfer to Beauxbatons, would you be able to stay here then?"

Hermione had played her last trump and she knew it. If his main problem was having to teach her, having to be reminded on a daily basis of what he had been forced to do, then maybe he would take her up on her offer and stay. But, if it was more than that, if that had been only the final straw, then there truly was nothing she could do. She saw the look of utter amazement in his eyes and wondered what amazed him so.

"You would do that??" Severus asked, humbled. "You would go away so that I might stay?? Why??"

Hermione held her breath. Was there a chance, then? And how much dare she tell him? Then it dawned on her. This would be the last time they would meet face to face; either he would take her up on her offer and she would go to Beauxbatons or he... better not think about that. Either way, there was no more need to hide things for fear of making their next meeting awkward - there wouldn't be a next meeting. And there was no better way of telling him than with him holding her.

"Because I don't want you to die. Because I love you."