Hidden Within

Hidden Within

Chapter Ten - Difficult Decisions

It was shortly after six that Severus finally gathered the strength to leave his quarters and go to the Slytherin common room. He knew he should have done so before, but he had been too busy wallowing in self pity. No one would have been able to tell, however, by his calm, composed demeanour as he gave the password and entered the common room. It wasn't hard to spot the blond young man he was looking for, sitting alone in a corner.

"Mr. Malfoy, a word in my office, please."

Draco got up quickly and followed the Potions Master without a word. Only after he had closed and re-warded his office door did Severus allow his detached façade to slip. He smiled tiredly at the boy.

"Thank you, Draco. For everything you did. I hope you can forgive me for not having acknowledged it sooner, but Miss Granger's well-being was compromised because of me. I am sure you can understand I couldn't leave her there to suffer what should have been my fate."

"Of course, sir. And, anyway, I didn't actually do anything that helped," he answered with a slightly dismissive shrug. Severus' internal alarm bells began to ring at the younger Slytherin's dejected look. Damn, he always had to mess things up!

"Draco, what you did was very brave. And very useful, I might add. If I hadn't known the way out I would have been trapped in there the second time around. I cannot thank you enough." He reached closer to the boy and placed a quasi-fatherly hand on his shoulder. "I am extremely grateful. And extremely proud of you as well."

Pale grey eyes widened in surprise. Seeing his astonished look, Severus was taken by a wave of relief. At least this one he had gotten right. It was clear to him that Draco desesperately needed recognition and approval, he had known he would ever since the boy had been born. One could expect no other thing from Lucius Malfoy's son. What was amazing, almost miraculous, was that he had gathered the courage to turn away from the path his father had so meticulously set out for him, maybe realising his father's approval wasn't necessarily a good thing.

Severus was, as usual, overlooking his own role in Draco's decision. It had been during the summer holiday, when Lucius had informed his son he would be taking the Mark as soon as he left Hogwarts. Severus had been aware of the boy's indecision and had, against his own better judgement, made clear to the youngest Malfoy that he could count on him to help, whatever his decision was. It had been a downright lie, of course; had Draco become a loyal Death Eater, Severus would have been working against him sooner rather than later, but he had hoped it would help sway Draco's heart to the right place. Apparently he had been right.

"Thank you, sir. I'm very glad to know I helped somehow."

"Good. You helped a lot. You may go now."

The awed Slytherin was almost out of the door when his professor spoke again.

"Draco?"

"Professor?"

"Does your father know yet? Of your decision?"

"He will soon enough. I owled him a letter two hours ago."

"I see. You are aware this means you will no longer be able to count his home as your own?"

"I know sir."

"What will you do after school?"

"I don't know. Get a job as quickly as I can, probably."

Severus hadn't been lying. He was rather proud of the young man Draco Malfoy had grown into. To throw away a Malfoy's money and influence for one's beliefs was no small accomplishment, and he was willing to delay his life to get the first available job as well, no doubt to be able to feed himself. He spoke.

"There is another alternative."

"What is it, sir?"

"I could take you on as my apprentice here in Hogwarts next year, if you are interested. I must warn you, however, I will not tolerate any lack of discipline. An apprenticeship is not the same as your classroom."

Draco's heart leapt. To have the opportunity to study under one of Britain's best Potions Masters was a rare honour indeed. And at the same time while managing to keep a roof over his head... fabulous.

"Sir, I, I, I would love to! What exams do I have to take?"

"None other than your N.E.W.T.S.. I will be able to determine from them if you possess the skill. Which as a matter of fact, I am absolutely confident you do. It will come down to the simple matter of whether you possess the discipline or not."

"I do, sir. I won't let you down."

"No, I believe you won't. You are dismissed now, I suggest you go study."

"Yes sir."

Severus stood as he watched the younger Slytherin leave the room. The change in him had been astounding. Amazing what a little courage and encouragement could do. He would speak to Albus about the boy.

---

The rest of the day went by at an agonising pace for Hermione. All she could think of was when she was going to see Severus again, be in his arms again. It had, after all, been four and a half months of never being apart. Those few hours were being almost unbearable.

Severus wasn't at dinner. She looked over and over at the High Table, hoping he would show up, but the best she got were somewhat concerned glances from the Headmaster and Harry's half-ashamed half-disgusted glares. When it became clear he wouldn't make an appearance she excused herself and left. At least she could make the best possible use of the time she still had before she went to meet him and study the best possible route, since it seemed obvious that borrowing Harry's cloak was out of the question.

Finally it was time. Heart beating so furiously it seemed about to leap from her chest at any time, she made for his quarters.

She had almost reached them when she felt a hand on her shoulder. Slowly turning while chanting in her mind 'Please, oh, please, don't be Filch', she faced the Headmaster.

"Miss Granger, my dear."

"Headmaster."

"You do realise, of course, that it is past curfew and that this is not Gryffindor Tower."

She gulped. "Er... yes, I... erm..."

"Fear not, my dear. I am not going to punish you. I wish merely to warn you that you risk getting caught by our dear Potions Master."

Hermione blushed a deep crimson at the Headmaster's merry twinkle. It was as if he knew what she was doing there. He probably did.

"Um... thank you, sir..."

His expression sobered up. "You're welcome, Miss Granger. You've been through a terrible ordeal. I must urge you to be careful if you don't wish to suffer more. And patient. Extremely patient. Well, I must be going now. I trust you won't stay too long out of bed."

And with that he was off, not seeing Hermione's blush deepen impossibly. Yes, she as well trusted she wouldn't stay out of bed for too long... just not her own bed.

---

Severus had been sitting in the same chair ever since he had left his office after his conversation with Draco, staring into the void. There was no fire on the hearth and the room was gloomy. He had been thinking of the irony of his situation, thinking of Draco as a boy and how he would be proud to have him as a son and thinking of Hermione as a fully grown woman, one he would give anything to have by his side. And they were both of the exact same age. Not that it mattered, anyway.

Suddenly there was a knock on the door. Severus glanced at the watch. Eleven o'clock. It was probably Albus. He got up as if the weight of the world rested on his shoulders. When he opened the door and saw who was on the other side, however, his heart nearly stopped. Hermione.

"Severus!" Before he knew it she had flung herself into his arms with a sigh of tremendous relief. "Oh, Severus, I've missed you so much. So much, I thought the day would never end so I could come down and see you."

In that briefest of instants all of the possible outcomes flashed through his mind. She loved him, she truly loved him. The way she had come to meet him, the tone of her voice... and he wanted nothing more than to return her embrace, than to allow her to come in and heal him, to kiss her until he couldn't breathe. He could do that. They would see each other secretly until she finished Hogwarts and then they could let the whole world know...and then all of the doors that would be half-closed because of her muggle heritage would slam shut in her face when it became public knowledge that she was involved with a former Death Eater. A Death Eater, never mind the "former". He would be constantly in her way, keeping her from achieving half of her goals by simply being there. And she would always be by his side, with an unwavering smile on her lips, first out of love, then out of loyalty, out of duty, and, finally, out of pity. He would be her ruin. Or he could be strong enough for the both of them and give up everything he had ever dared dream. Give her up, for her sake, her happiness. He could do that, no matter how hard it was. He pushed her away.

"Miss Granger, might I remind you that when I gave you permission to call me by name I also mentioned it was because we were under specific circumstances? We are no longer under those circumstances, Miss Granger, and I am still your teacher. Kindly remember who you are."

The shocked pain in her eyes nearly undid him.

"Who I... Severus... what do you mean?"

"I mean exactly what I said, Miss Granger. This is the real world."

Her voice was choked, as if she were trying to swallow tears.

"But I thought... you said... Severus, I-"

"MISS GRANGER, given your recent ordeal I have yet to take away house points. Make no mistake, however, I will do so if you call me anything other than 'Professor Snape'. You are my student and I will tolerate no disrespect! Now, you are out of your room past curfew; is there any relevant reason? No? Then do yourself a favour and leave before I begin to regret my leniency."

She made an attempt to speak but he wouldn't let her.

"Good night, Miss Granger. I trust I will not have to see you until your next Potions lesson."

She ran then. She ran as fast as she could, back to her room, away from the dungeons, away from him. It wasn't until she had already collapsed on her bed that the Headmaster's words came back to her. 'I must urge you to be careful if you don't wish to suffer more. And patient. Extremely patient.' It was as if he had known what would happen, as if he had known she was heading for rejection. But how could patience help, she thought between her sobs, how could patience make him want her when he so clearly didn't? 'I am still your teacher' 'You are my student and I will tolerate no disrespect!' Was he trying to tell her something? Was Severus merely telling her they couldn't be together while she was a student, and not outright expelling her from his life? She clung to that hope desesperately. She couldn't fail the year, it was too important. More important that school had ever been. Her N.E.W.T.S. were only a few shot months away, but she would not fail. She could not fail. She fell asleep almost three hours later, surrounded by study books and schoolwork, unaware that down in the dungeons, Severus was still awake thinking of her.

---

As soon as she had run away from him he had slammed the door shut and buried his head in his hands, fresh waves of despair washing through him. Whispered words finally broke free from his mouth now that he was sure there was no one there to hear them. 'Run away, love. Run away and be happy. I would only hold you back, it's better this way. It's better if you hate me, love.'

He threw himself onto the sofa, unable to try to sleep in the bed they had slept together in, where he had held her, where she had told him she loved him... even if it hadn't been real, it had been real enough for him. A small part of him was awed that her love for him had survived the truth, awed that she would still want to be with him even with all the odds stacked against them... but mostly what he could feel was pain, overwhelming pain. She had come to him and he had sent her away... he had feared he didn't have it in him anymore, to be able to lie so cruelly when all he had wanted had been to beg her never to leave him, to be with him forever... He finally fell asleep, fervently wishing between the blur of excruciating pain that the year would end quickly enough. He had sufficient confidence in both her intelligence and her abilities to know she would graduate with ease, despite those four and a half months.