Hidden Within

Hidden Within

Chapter Eight - No Time

"Severus, it's Miss Granger... Her vitals are failing, Albus said you should know."

Without a word Severus ran to the infirmary, panic speeding him until he was out of breath. Oblivious to everyone surrounding him, he made straight to her bed. There was still no outward noticeable change, she appeared to be sleeping just as she had five days ago, but Poppy's wand showed otherwise. All of her body seemed to be shutting down, as if someone somewhere had pulled a plug: her heart rate was slowing, her brain activity rapidly decreasing. Helpless to do anything but watch, Severus stood transfixed, the scene in front of him unfolding itself as if through a haze. Poppy giving her yet another potion, stronger than the last. Now a spell that was supposed to make her heart beat stronger. Still her pulse was fading. Another potion, last attempt. Pulse gone altogether. Poppy, giving her a cardiac massage. And then, finally, nothing. Defeat and sadness in the mediwitch's eyes, and a quiet acceptance of the inevitable.

"NO!" The howl of pain tore at his throat even before he was fully conscious of her death, shattering the solemn aura of the room. Albus, moving forth to reason with him, and suddenly Severus was gripping the older wizard by the shoulders, demanding to know where the parchment was. Albus' answer, Severus dropping him and running once more like a madman, as he had so long ago when he had first fallen under the influence of the Purgatorium. Only now it was that much more important that he make it on time. Screaming a nearly five-month old password to a gargoyle that refused to budge. Albus' kind voice supplying the correct one, and Severus was now flying up the moving staircase. Bursting into the Headmaster's office, reaching inside his robes. Turning the hourglass back, one, two, three, better make it four turns, he didn't know what she'd been fighting. "Accio Purgatorium Æternus parchment", thinking hard of the dungeons where he knew she would be, his fingers clutching the letter as if for dear life only harder, stronger, for it was a much more valuable life than his own. And then there he was, screaming her name at the top of his lungs, trying to ignore the terror that he might not have gone back far enough, that he might have lost her already. Running through his chambers, still calling her name, searching every corner where she might be. Then, finally, opening the bathroom door to find her fully clothed in the same dress she'd been wearing five days before, inside a full bathtub, vacant eyes, razor blade - his razor blade, he realised irrelevantly - slowly cutting one exposed wrist, the second one already bleeding. She had been fighting only herself.

Severus' mind, jolting him at last into context, and he was inside the bathtub with her, the water so cold - how long had she been there? -, yanking the razorblade from her hand even as he cut his own fingers, his blood mingling with hers in the water, pain he wasn't even registering, razor blade flying to the floor, wand on her wrists, wounds closing and her eyes now focusing to see him for the first time.

"S... Severus?" Chin trembling, whole body shaking, and Severus lifting her from the cold water with strong arms, laying her down on the bed, warm blankets over her and his arms never leaving her, murmuring words of comfort.

"It's alright, love. It's alright. You're not alone anymore, I'm here with you."

---

It took him some time for the world to lose that surreal quality but, eventually, his thoughts began to clear. He had made it. He had saved her. Of all the possibilities that had gone through his mind, he had never made room for an attempted suicide. Which had, obviously, been a big mistake, especially since this particular spell had been made to entrap him. Things that depressed Severus Snape would, of course, be much harder to bear by someone untrained, unprepared. And he had left her alone to face it.

After she fell asleep he undressed her with a flick of his wand, and then tucked her safely between the sheets; the last thing he was prepared to risk was having saved her only to have her die of hypothermia. Only then, with her finally safe and warm, did the last five days take their toll on him - he fell on the bed next to her, suddenly too drained to even get out of his own wet clothes, and fell asleep instantly.

---

Hermione's eyes ached from the effort of keeping them shut tight. She didn't want to wake up, she so didn't... She had been dreaming Severus had returned, that he'd held her and called her love... waking up would only serve to augment her misery. After some time, though, she couldn't fight wakefulness anymore and she resigned to opening her eyes, tears already welling up in them... And then she saw him. Face paler than usual, darker and deeper lines beneath his eyes, dried blood on his fingers, lips tinged with purple, sleeping above all sheets and blankets, and the fireplace wasn't even lit. She frantically tried to remember where she had placed her wand, but to no avail. There was nothing but terror and pain since he had left. Hoping he could forgive her this intrusion, but too concerned with his well-being to care, Hermione took hold of his wand and said "Accio wand." And, sure enough, although it took a great deal more effort than it would have with her own, it worked. Her wand came flying from somewhere inside the bathroom straight into her outstretched hand.

Unknowingly mimicking his earlier actions, she stripped him of his clothes and placed him inside the bed next to her. Then she noticed they were both naked. The scene had been quite different when she had envisioned it, but she didn't care. His body felt right against her all the same. She lit the fireplace with a whispered Incendio, careful not to wake him, and then snuggled closer to him, placing her hands on his kidneys in an attempt to keep him warm. After his lips had lost their purple tinge, and his body began to warm up, she allowed herself to fall asleep once more, content that all the demons had been scared away by his presence.

---

When Severus woke up, the first thing he was aware was that there was a throbbing, pulsing... entity between his legs. While he had woken up with the occasional hard-on, it was nothing compared to this. Then he realised why. Hermione. Sleeping comfortably in his arms, body pressed against his, wearing nothing but a peaceful smile. So different from the woman he had pulled out of the bathtub a few hours ago... His throat tightened when he thought of what had almost happened, and his arms tightened around her in response. He had never believed himself capable of loving, and certainly not this much. She had changed him to the very core. Now he almost wished she hadn't. He knew he would never again be able to return to the fragile equilibrium he had built for himself over the years, he would never find peace or solace without her.

He didn't notice he was crying until the first tear fell on her face, and the gentle motion of wiping it away was enough to wake her. She opened her eyes and reached a hand to his face, caressing him, making even more unwanted tears fall as she said his name. How do I tell her?, he thought miserably, How do I tell her everyone is alive and watch her gracefully excuse herself from my life? How do I lose her?

"Severus, please, what is it? What happened, where did you go? Why are you crying? Are you... sorry you came back?"

If his arms had tightened any stronger around her she was sure she would have cracked ribs. His voice was fierce, underlined with a passion that she did not yet comprehend. "Don't say that. Never say that. Never think that." He brought his mouth on hers like a starving man offered a feast, like a dying man granted a last wish. In a way he was, he knew he would never be truly alive without her. His love. When they finally broke the kiss she sounded just a little bit shy.

"I thought maybe I'd... maybe I'd really scared you away. That I'd lost you so badly you didn't want anything to do with me, that I should have just let sleeping dogs lay, that-" He silenced her with another reassuring kiss. Of course the spell would have led her to believe all that, illogical as it all might sound. How odd that, now that he knew exactly what it was, he was so immune to its influence.

He was delaying the moment, he knew. Taking every chance to have one more memory to keep, one more thing to remind him of her in the lonely future. She was speaking again.

"Does it bother you... that I love you? Is that why I lost you, did you need time to think?"

He had to bite his tongue not to tell her how he loved her as well, not wanting her to be burdened with that knowledge. It wasn't so much a matter of pride as it was of not risking her remaining with him out of pity, out of some Gryffindor sense of what was right. She had a full life ahead of her, he would not be her penance.

"You never lost me, don't think that. You never will." His voice was low and deep, soothing her nerves. "I didn't go away voluntarily, sweetheart. And of course it doesn't bother me... it honours me. Very much. Now we should both get dressed, I have much to tell you. It will change everything," he added in a pained whisper.

His last words made something flare deep inside her. Something was going to change and, by the looks of it, it didn't seem good. All thoughts of modesty cast aside, she pressed even closer.

"Severus, make love to me. Please."

For the briefest of instants he toyed with the idea, remembering how he had thought she would have lost nothing. It wasn't true. Even if it didn't reflect on her physical body she would lose her innocence. He couldn't let her do that. She had to keep that for someone whom she truly loved, not as the result of artificial feelings created by a spell. He couldn't take even that.

"Hermione, you need to listen to what I have to say-"

"Please." More urgent now, demanding. One of her hands caressing his erection, driving him insane.

"Hermione, listen-"

"Later. I need you now." His heart contracting painfully at her words, yearning, aching... So long since a woman had wanted him, never with such certainty. 'I need you now.' How could those words be meant for him? Her mouth on his chest now, gently teasing, slightly clumsy. Going lower now, to his belly, fire flaring up inside him...

"STOP!" He grabbed her wrists as he let out the strangled cry, pulling her upwards, thanking the Gods for having lent him the strength. When he faced her she was ashamed and on the verge of crying. She could barely whisper.

"I'm sorry. Please, Severus, I'm sorry, I thought you wanted me. Don't go away again, please." She did break down then, the terror inside her too great to contain. "Please, I won't do it again. Don't leave me here alone, I'm so sorry."

He cursed himself fiercely. She was still under the influence of the spell, how could he have been so stupid? How could he have been so rough, not even a thought to her feelings? He let go of her wrists and pulled her to his chest.

"I'd never leave you here alone by choice, don't you know that? You just need to listen to what I have to say, it's a good thing, I promise."

"Alright. I'm sorry, I just thought you wanted... I'm sorry."

He tipped her chin up to gaze deep in her eyes. "You thought I wanted what? You? How could I not? Believe me, Hermione, wanting you is not a problem. I'm not angry at you, just at myself." His arms closed around her once more. "But there are... other considerations you should be making."

The feelings of dread began to melt away. Whatever the reason, it was clear now that he hadn't stopped her because he thought she was acting like a slut. She was deeply angry at 'The Thing' for not allowing her to analyse this situation unbiased. She hadn't even processed that 'The Thing' had driven her to attempt suicide - that would be dealt with later.

"What 'other considerations'?"

"Such as what would Potter and Weasley think if they knew you were in bed with me."

She recoiled as if she'd been slapped. "Severus! What a cruel thing to say! They're dead, they would think nothing!"

This wasn't the way he had wanted to have this conversation with her but, now that he had begun, he had no choice but to finish it.

"No, they're not, Hermione, they're alive and well." Her eyes widened. "As is everyone else. I spoke to the Headmaster, I spoke to them and ate with them for the past five days. Everyone is alright."

He seemed honest and level-headed, but her only instinct was to fear for his sanity. Had he finally cracked?

"Severus, listen-"

"No, you listen. The end of your class, when I gave you detention?"

"Yes?"

"There was an owl, remember? A letter to me?

"Oh, Gods! And then you opened it and you fainted. I tried to help you, but then..."

"But then you were in your common room seeing corpses. We're inside a dark spell, Hermione, one meant for me in which you were caught. And I know the way out. Your friends are all alive and well, I promise."

Untainted joy filled her. Everyone was alive, she was going to see them all again. It never occurred to her, not for a moment, to doubt Severus' word. She smiled.

"How do we leave, then?

"We do exactly that. We leave. Through the front door."

Her face closed instantly. " But Severus, if we go outside-"

"I'll be there with you. Please trust me, no harm will come to you."

She swallowed audibly. "Alright, I believe you. Well, we might as well go now, right?"

Her tone was fake cheerfulness and genuine trust mixed in equal parts, making him once again fully aware of the depth of his feelings for her. It was obvious she was afraid to try it, much more than afraid if one considered she had just been left alone to endure Purgatorium Æternus for five full days, but still she was prepared to do it based on nothing but his word. No one had ever trusted him like that. Not even Albus. He brought his mouth to her ear to whisper softly "I'll keep you safe, I swear."

---

Hand in hand they headed towards the door, Hermione trembling visibly with each step. Even Severus, who knew for sure, was being assaulted by new terrors. When they finally reached it and he placed his hand on the doorknob she opened her mouth and he was sure she was going to back away, but she said simply, "Hold me. Please. Hold me as we go through."

He complied without a word, overwhelmed by her trust, and the last thing he heard before waking back in the infirmary was her voice. "I love you, Severus Snape"