The Advantages of Being a Portrait

Being a portrait in Hogwarts is an interesting affair.

One might think it was boring, just hanging about, day after day. But I would have to disagree with that opinion. Hogwarts is not a serene school...quite the contrary.

For example:

Just about a week ago, I was drowsing...it was quite late, you see. The time at night seems to move so slowly, sometimes I feel as if I'm the only person in the castle. It's so quiet, so peaceful, like a blanket over the school.

Then Peeves comes crashing through, Filch hot on his heels.

(I believe I heard whispers that Filch caught Peeves in a...um, compromising situation with Mrs. Norris. Filch has been on a personal vendetta ever since.)

Ethereal beings should not be able to make that much noise.

But back to the point.

So, now brutally awoken, I scan the hallway for any other signs of mischief. I have a bit of a weak spot for gossip, so I try to keep my eyes peeled.

Lo and behold, I see two boys having a very intense discussion near the end of the corridor. I can't make out who they are, so instead I strain to pick up snatches of what they are saying.

"I know what you're playing at, Malfoy. And I don't think it's very funny."

Ah! A name. I would have to remember that one in the morning.

"Why dearest Potter...whatever could you be speaking of?"

"Jesus, you're an idiot. You thought I wouldn't notice you stalking me? Who else is awake at this hour of night?"

"Well, um. You."

"That's...beside the point. Why are you following me?"

"Um. Well, you know, Potter. I actually have deep, passionate, unbridled love for you."

The taller boy punches him, dead in the center of his nose. I hear a small crack, and wince. That had to hurt.

The one called Potter flees, cursing loudly as he passes me.

"He thinks he can just say things like that to me....it's not fair to lie to someone. Toy with their emotions..."

He stops. Seems to consider something, and then stalks back toward the other boy. Malfoy is slumped against the wall, clutching his nose, also cursing very loudly. Potter skids to a stop in front of him, wrenches his hands out of the way, and mutters a quick healing spell.

Malfoy stands up slowly.

"Potter, if I find my nose is crooked when I get back to my room, I'll have to punish you in such a way that will...um. What?"

The Potter boy is staring very intently at Malfoy. His eyes are narrowed, and his breathing keeps on hitching in his chest.

"What you said before...were you...um...well, what I'm trying to say is..."

The other boy roughly pulls the Potter's head up.

"No, I was not bloody joking, Harry."

And suddenly, I can't see any space between the two boys. I hear subdued moaning, but that doesn't last long. It's soon a full-out grope fest, with tangled hair and twisted limbs.

Well. Won't the Fat Lady be interested in this.

There are some advantages to staying alert in the very early morning.