Geneticus

CHAPTER TEN: WIZARDING ESSENTIALS

"How did you and Remus meet?" Mulder asked, his voice low.

Sirius smiled, glancing at his snoozing friend in the backseat. "You mean, how did I end up friends with a werewolf?"

"That, too," Mulder admitted.

Sirius sat back in his seat. "We met at school, at Hogwarts. We shared a dormitory, so we've known each other since we were first years. He was already a werewolf by then, though he certainly didn't tell anyone that. Took the better part of that first year for James and I to figure out why his mum or aunt or whoever kept getting sick each month."

"James?"

"Another roommate. Harry's father." Mulder nodded, taking note of the sadness in Sirius's voice. "Anyway, we confronted him with our evidence, and he admitted it. Poor little kid, he was so afraid we'd be frightened by him, or angry that he'd kept a secret from us; either way, he was sure we wouldn't want to be friends with him any longer.

"But of course that was nonsense. He was smart and fun and had a wicked sense of humor that he only let us see. Ended up playing the silent partner to the pranks James and I would pull. It wasn't until third year that anyone began to suspect he was in on it all, but by then we were the Marauders, and mere detentions weren't going to stop us."

"What kind of pranks do wizards pull?" Mulder took his eyes off the road a moment to glance at his passenger.

Sirius's grin was filled with mischief. "Well, the amateurs often resort to dungbombs, a few will play with fireworks or exploding food or the like. But we were much too creative for those simple things. Our pranks were more psychological; and because they often didn't have any props, it was harder to trace the prank back to us, though I'm sure everyone suspected. The best one was sixth year...well, it had the most potential, though I guess in retrospect James was right for trying to stop it..."

He paused for a moment, then seemingly switched subjects. "Remus is the reason I can become a dog. James and..." Again, Mulder glanced at Sirius and saw his eyes were narrowed and his lips were pressed into a thin line. "There's this spell, rather complicated one, that allows a wizard to become an animal. Highly regulated, but regulations and rules never stopped us before. So we worked on it for about three years. The point was so we could be with Remus when he was a wolf, as werewolves only attack humans."

"So you illegally became dogs to hang out with a werewolf?"

"No, only I was a dog. James was a stag. You don't get to choose your Animagus form -- it all has to do with what kind of person you are." His voice took on a sheepish tone. "I reckon I can be a bit loyal and protective."

He was silent for a bit. "Sixth year, as I was saying, was possibly the best prank. Snape was starting to get wise to a few things about our little group, especially Remus."

Mulder held up a hand. "Snape? You pranked a teacher?"

"Oh no. He was our age, same year and everything." Mulder nodded. "Anyway, one day he came up to me after a Charms class, a couple days before the full moon. He made oblique references to what he thought was going to happen -- that Remus would transform -- and suggested that he'd tell Dumbledore about it. Well, as I said, I'm a bit loyal and protective, and even though I knew Dumbledore already knew about Remus, I didn't want Snape talking. So I set him up to get a good scare..."

"And thankfully James found out and had some sense!" Remus said, apparently awake. "Honestly, Padfoot, I still don't know what the hell you were thinking, telling Snape how to get under the Whomping Willow..."

Sirius sighed. "I'm an impulsive git, yes. I don't regret it a bit. Certainly kept him off our backs for the last year, and that's enough for me. Besides, I didn't expect he'd actually *try* it...he sounded so sure that he knew what was up with Remus; if he had trusted himself, he wouldn't have attempted it."

"I think your best prank was the Subtle Shrinking Solution that you put in Emerson's pumpkin juice. Took the bugger nearly four months to realize something had been done to him!"

"No," Sirius countered, "my best prank was the time when..."

Sirius and Remus bantered back and forth, remembering old pranks gone horribly wrong and wonderfully right. Mulder just drove, listening to it all with a smile on his face. At some point Addie woke and proclaimed both wizards complete nutters.

Traffic coming out of London was heavy, but thankfully light going in. Addie carefully navigated Mulder through the streets, and somehow they found Charing Cross Road with little difficulty.

Sirius pointed to a parking spot. "That'll put us close enough to walk. Don't want to be conspicuous..." Mulder parked the car, and everyone gratefully got out.

"Where are we headed?" Mulder asked, stretching his limbs for the first time in hours.

Remus pointed down the street. "A little inn down a block or two. I reckon it's a bit late to do everything tonight. What do you all say for grabbing a meal and a good night's sleep first?"

"Perfectly delightful," said Addie, slipping her arm around Remus's waist.

Sirius agreed, and Mulder couldn't deny that a night in a bed sounded mighty nice, even if it was in a motel.

The quartet made their way down the road, passing various stores that looked like every other shop Mulder had ever seen. Were these wizard shops? How could he tell if they were?

Finally, squeezed between two shops, there was a small entranceway marked with simple sign that read, "The Leaky Cauldron." Remus and Addie stepped right in, but Sirius hesitated a moment. He seemed to fight a brief internal battle, but then finally stepped inside, and Mulder followed.

The room was dark, the only light coming from dim candles on tables and a few small windows at the back. Along the same back wall ran a bar; two men sat at the ends, shoulders hunched and presumably nursing some sort of alcoholic beverage -- or whatever the wizard equivalent was. A group of women had commandeered a couple of tables in the back corner; Mulder grinned as he realized it was a literal coven of witches he was seeing.

The innkeeper was nowhere in sight, as far as Mulder could tell, but that didn't stop Addie from walking up to the bar and twice pounding her fist hard on it. A man came hustling out of a side door, a bald and toothless walnut of a man.

"Hullo, I'm Tom, inn- and bar-keep here. Can I help you, miss?" he asked.

Addie pointed back towards Mulder and the wizards. "My friends and I need a couple rooms for one night, maybe two. Can you help us? I think we're looking for a double and a single."

Tom nodded. "I believe I can help you with that. Yes...rooms ten and thirteen. Thirteen's the double." He reached under the bar and pulled out two pairs of keys, offering them to the foursome. "Will you be wanting some supper this evening?"

Remus nodded. "Definitely. We haven't eaten all day!"

"Well, whenever you're ready come on down and I'll get you something. There are menus in the rooms, but of course I can get you anything you like."

The group thanked Tom, then headed for the stairs. Addie passed the two keys to room thirteen to Mulder and Sirius.

"Let's kip for a bit," Sirius suggested, "and then meet down for some food in about an hour. We'll plan our errands for tomorrow, then." The others agreed this was a sound idea, and they split into their rooms.

The room was much larger than Mulder expected, holding two double beds, two dressers, and a large, full-length mirror lording over it all.

Sirius crawled into the bed closest to the door, groaning with apparent contentment as he sunk into the soft down of the mattress. "Bloody hell it's been a long time since I slept in a proper bed," he confessed, stretching and burrowing further into the bed.

"For years I was a couch dweller. Didn't even have a bed until a few years ago..."

Sirius let out a huff of impatience. "Then that's your own damn fault. No pity from me, that's for sure! I *had* to be a cave dweller for nearly a year." He curled up like a dog and closed his eyes.

Mulder turned towards the mirror, surprised for a moment to see himself in wizard robes. The robes were quite comfortable, so much so he'd nearly forgotten he was wearing them. He reached up absently to brush some strands of hair off his forehead.

"Damn good lookin' man."

Mulder spun around, expecting to see Sirius grinning at him, but the wizard was sound asleep, snoring lightly.

"No need to worry, dear, it's only me!"

Mulder turned back towards the mirror, surprised as hell to see his reflection grinning at him. He shook his head and turned away, convinced he was beginning to suffer from sleep deprivation. He fell into his own bed, and within moments was fast asleep.

* * *

When Mulder next opened his eyes the light was the color of sunrise and his stomach was complaining loudly. A peek at his watch told him he'd slept straight through the night, completely missing dinner.

"Sleepy little Muggle, aren't you?"

Sirius was standing in front of the mirror, presumably watching Mulder in the reflection.

"I guess so...hey, I've got a question about that mirror..." Mulder sat up, swinging his feet to the floor.

"What, did it say something to you last night?" Sirius asked, smirking. Mulder nodded, though he didn't elaborate on what exactly was said. "Well, don't worry about it too much. It certainly doesn't mean any harm. Frankly, though, I've been avoiding it; I wasn't sure if it would be able to see through Addie's charm or not."

Mulder glanced at the mirror, which was reflecting Sirius just as Mulder saw him. "I think it makes sense that it doesn't. The nature of a mirror is to be shallow, only reflecting what's on the surface of the person looking into it."

Sirius just shook his head. "You think too much, Muggle." He turned away from the mirror, and sat across from Mulder on his own bed.

"Just so you know, we decided last night that we should probably not use our real names today when we're running errands," Sirius said. "My name is rare enough, and Remus is registered, so someone could track him down...anyway, we figured it's best if we use our middle names."

Mulder sighed. "Even me?"

"Yes, it's probably best. So, my middle name's Ian, Addie is Claire, and Remus is Jerome, though it's probably better to call him Jerry."

"Jerry, Ian and Claire. Is that the way things are for wizards? Weird first names and beyond normal middle names?"

Sirius grinned. "Sounds like it might work just as well for Muggles, too. What's your middle name, *Fox*?"

"Point granted. William...but call me Will, all right?"

"Sounds good. Let's get down in the dining room; you must be famished!"

After a quick breakfast of something indescribably British, it was time to venture out into the wizard world. Mulder was led to a small courtyard behind the Leaky Cauldron, where the four were met with a brick wall.

"Anyone remember the combination?" Sirius asked.

Remus nodded, and pulled out his wand. "I believe it goes..." He tapped several of the bricks, and the wall began to move, creating an opening into the alley behind it.

Hogsmeade had been a lazy little town, reliant on regulars and the students at Hogwarts to get it through the year. This street...this was totally different. It was crowded, the street bursting with both customers and shopkeepers. The street was crooked, ducking in and out of view around corners.

Mulder pulled his cloak closer, feeling out of place in his jeans and sweater, even though he knew no one could see them.

"Ah, Diagon Alley!" said Sirius. "It's been far too long..."

Remus pointed towards the other end of the street. "Let's stop over at Gringotts first; I've only got a little bit of money on me right now."

"And I've only got American wizard money," Addie agreed. "Mul-- er, Will, do you have any Muggle money on you? They can exchange it..."

Mulder shook his head. "All my money is back in Hogsmeade. That and the rest of my clothes...I don't suppose there's a place I can buy underwear around here, is there?"

Remus chuckled. "Madam Malkin's probably has some for you. We'll stop there first after we get money. But let's get a move on...I'd like to spend as little time here as possible."

Gringotts turned out to be a large, white building that may have been defying the laws of physics. A small creature -- a goblin? -- held open the large front doors; a second pair of doors was engraved with a poem warning patrons of the dangers of attempting to steal from this magical bank.

Once inside, Mulder was astounded by the size of the place. Goblins were everywhere; wizards lined up at various stations.

Addie tapped Mulder's shoulder. "Um, Will. Ian and Jerry are going to go down to their vaults. I've got to get some of my currency converted; why don't you come with me for a little lesson?"

"Sure, that's probably a good idea. They can change Muggle money, too?" Mulder thought back to the wad of cash he'd left in his wallet back in Hogsmeade...and his clothes...and his glasses...

"Damn," he muttered, catching Addie's attention. "I wish I'd had time to grab more of my things," he explained. "Even if we find some underwear in a store, I'll still be living in the same jeans and shirt and robe."

Addie stepped into a line. "True...well, at least you'll be staying with, um, Ian. If anyone can understand only having one set of clothes, it's him." Mulder shrugged. After another moment, she added, "How's this? When we get back to the Leaky Cauldron I'll Floo back to your room in Hogsmeade and pick up some things for you."

Mulder wanted to ask what "flooing" was, but figured it wasn't the best moment to do so. "Sounds fine. Let me think of what else I've got there that you can pick up."

Addie was called over to a window, where she proceeded to pull out odd coins and get them exchanged for more odd coins.

"Hmm..." the goblin behind the window mused. "Twenty one Ballons, eh? Spending time in America, have we?"

The witch nodded. "Just exchange that please?"

"Right then." The goblin stepped away from the window, presumably to find the correct currency. He came back with a pile of gold, silver and bronze coins. Pouring them into a leather pouch, he said, "Here you go, miss. Seventy-four Galleons, two Sickles, and six Knuts."

Addie scowled. "Damn exchange rate...right, thank you," she added, giving a curt nod to the goblin before stepping out of line. She led Mulder to a secluded nook fit with a small table and spilled the coins onto it.

"Okay, quick lesson. Galleons are gold, and worth the most. Silver Sickles are next, and there are seventeen Sickles in one Galleon. Little bronze ones are Knuts, there are twenty-nine of them in a Sickle. It'll be a bit odd to your normal way of base-ten counting, but it shouldn't be too hard to get a hang of."

"Right. Not that it'll be much of a problem, since I'm kinda strapped for cash here."

"Don't worry about it. My miserly brother surely has enough gold to let him live on the run for years; he'll make sure you get the things you need."

Mulder wasn't sure how he felt about being in debt to a wizard. A litany of magical collection techniques paraded through his mind...no, it would be best to pay his own way as often as possible.

Remus and Sirius returned from raiding their vaults, each holding a pouch full of coins. As the men approached Mulder and Addie, Sirius pulled a second pouch from his cloak pocket; with a stubborn look he shoved it in Mulder's direction.

"You take that, Will. Don't argue with me, I don't want to make a scene."

Mulder desperately wanted to protest, but a careful study of the stubbornness in Sirius's eyes persuaded him against it. "Fine, but I'm going to pay you back, all right? How much is in here?"

Sirius sighed. "Five hundred Galleons, roughly. Didn't take the time to count them out one by one, you know." Out of the corner of his eye, Mulder saw Addie's eyebrows shoot up in surprise.

"Blimey, Ian, is there anything left in your vault?"

"Don't you worry, Claire. I think that covered the twelve years of interest that accumulated..."

Remus laughed, quickly covered his mouth. "Look, gents, let's get moving, right? I'd like to get finished before the crowds move in."

The group left the bank and made their way back through the alley; Madam Malkin's was the next stop. The shop was small and cramped, filled with robes of every size, style and color. A short witch approached them, modeling her own wares via slightly worn mauve robes. Remus quickly explained that they were looking for two robes each, nothing special and ready to take with them the same day. Madam Malkin looked slightly disappointed at the loss of customizing charges, but helped them find what they were looking for quickly.

Mulder ended up with one more simple, black robe and a nicer robe that could be used for any sort of special meeting. They were certainly different from the cookie-cutter monkey suits required by the Bureau. Taking note of a decidedly feminine version, he pictured Scully filling it out, and came to the conclusion that the wizarding world wouldn't be bad to live in for the rest of his life.

They left the robe shop and made their way back past Gringotts, aiming for a small store subtly squished between flashier storefronts. In the window was a single purple pillow on which lay one long stick, a magic wand.

Above the door a sign read "Ollivanders: Makers of Fine Wands since 382 B.C." Mulder felt a thrill run down his spine, though he didn't know why.

The store seemed empty at first, but then a very old man popped out from behind a stack of shelves, his half-moon glasses glinting in the small streaks of light that passed through the dusty air.

"Well hello there," he greeted, his voice low but filled with understated enthusiasm. He took a moment to look his four visitors in the eye, then settled on Remus with a small smile.

"Mr. Lupin, if my memory serves correctly."

Remus smiled. "Of course it does, Mr. Ollivander. You remember every wand you've sold and every wizard who passed through your doors."

Ollivander smiled. "Indeed...willow, I daresay, with a hair from the most calm unicorn I've ever had the pleasure of meeting. Must do wonders against your rather volatile personality." His voice didn't pass judgment, but simply stated a fact.

With a nod, Remus gestured to Sirius. "My cousin Ian is on holiday here, and rather unfortunately his wand has been hopelessly misplaced. We're hoping we can find a suitable replacement."

"Then let's begin our search, shall we? Tell me, Ian, which is your wand arm?"

As Sirius began to answer Ollivander's questions -- taking on an admirable American accent to help with the visiting cousin persona -- Mulder found himself poking around. There wasn't much to see in the cluttered shop; there were no advertisements of new wands or endorsements from celebrity wizards. He supposed a wand was a very personal item, not something mass-produced to be marketed as would a racing broom or telescope.

On a nearby shelf, several boxes lay open, exposing the wands within. His curiosity spiked; it wasn't often he was given the opportunity to examine a wand, and he knew Scully would want to know as much as possible about these in his next letter. He reached for the closest one...

"I wouldn't do that, my boy!" Mulder dropped his hand and turned around, finding himself nose to nose with Mr. Ollivander.

"Sorry," Mulder said, eyes dropping in apology. "I didn't think there'd be any harm."

Ollivander's smile held no amusement. "The business of wands is a tricky one, young man. Put the wrong wand in the hand of a customer and serious consequences could arise...quite serious indeed..."

Chastised, Mulder stepped away from the shelving and stood again with his group. After several minutes, Sirius had finally found a wand that seemed to fit him.

"Feels almost as right as my first one," he said, sounding surprised and a bit relieved. "Lucky for that, eh?"

Mr. Ollivander's eyes seemed to almost glow with delight. "Most excellent! Yes, that's a good wand there...twelve inches of good, strong oak, yes. Core is a finely ground mixture of a hair and feather from a hippogriff...should make for excellent tranfigurations..."

Sirius coughed slightly, and Mulder reckoned he was quite surprised by his wand's constituents.

Suddenly eager to leave lest Ollivander begin to scrutinize his customer more carefully, Sirius paid for the wand and the group left the store.

Once outside, Addie asked if any more stops were needed. After a moment, Sirius said, "What about Eeylops? If we're going to split up, it might be nice to have a reliable way to communicate with each other."

Remus nodded. "Yes...if we got a small one, it might work very well."

The matter decided, they headed once again past Gringotts, this time back towards the Leaky Cauldron, and ahead on the right Mulder noticed a sign for Eeylops Owl Emporium. So they were buying an owl...he wondered if he should get one for himself to write to Scully.

The Emporium was crowded, as it also doubled as a post office of sorts, offering owls to rent and send on single trips. But mostly its owls were for sale, ready to serve one wizard or wizard family with all of its post needs.

Sirius, Remus and Addie quickly made their way to a row of small owls; Mulder however, found himself approaching some of the larger, hardier ones.

"Can I help you, sir?" A witch appeared at his elbow, eager to assist her potential customer.

Mulder smiled. "I believe you can." Her eyes widened, no doubt surprised by his accent. "I need an owl that can handle constant trips to the States, accurately and as quickly as possible. Any suggestions?"

The witch frowned. "Well, you'll likely want one that is common both here and in America...let me consult my books..."

She led Mulder to a large counter and pulled out a thick book. Quickly flipping through it, she muttered to herself as she tried to find the perfect owl. After a few moments she let out a great, "Ah ha!" and strode to the back of the shop, grabbing two cages and bringing them back to the counter.

"Here we are then. Barn owls, nice and common pretty much everywhere. They're hardy, and by nature quite used to humans. I've two here at the moment, both males. This one here's the younger; only had him for about four weeks now. This other one's about five years old, used to run rental post for us until we discovered he had a habit of finding females and mating during his runs."

Mulder raised an eyebrow, amused at the thought of a horny owl. "Perhaps I'd better go with the younger one, then," he suggested. "How much is it?"

The witch consulted a long parchment list. "Ah, he goes for...yes, eight Galleons, sir." She looked at him expectantly; Mulder wondered if he was expected to haggle for a lower price, or praise her for the good deal. Rather than react improperly, he said nothing, simply pulled out the pouch Sirius had given him and quickly counted out eight of the gold coins, as well as a few Sickles as a tip. The witch thanked him fiercely, and Mulder wondered if, for the first time in his life, he'd over-tipped someone.

Cage in hand, he maneuvered back to the front of the shop, and noted that the other three were still trying to find a suitable owl. He looked at his purchase, which was looking back at him with great curiosity.

"Hi there," he said, feeling only a little bit foolish speaking to an owl. "Guess you're a part of the family now. I'll have to think of a name for you, won't I?" The owl gave him a look that strongly suggested that Mulder do so.

Lost in thought, Mulder didn't even notice right away that his wizard friends were standing over him, trying to get his attention.

"Oy, Will!" Addie yelled, slapping him on the shoulder. With a start, Mulder looked up at them.

"Oh. Did you get your owl?"

Remus held up a small, tawny bird that was preening itself importantly. "We're all set. Let's get back to the Cauldron; it's near lunchtime, and I'm sure you're starving."

It wasn't until hours later that Mulder thought of a proper name for his owl. He sat at a table in the pub, writing a letter to Scully, when he remembered Scully's little dog from years ago, named Queequeg after the harpoonist in "Moby Dick." Without hesitation he turned to his owl and said, "Your name is Pequod."

Pequod the owl just hooted softly in response.

END CHAPTER TEN