McGonagall's Secret

McGonagall’s Secret

Sequel to Snape’s Secret

     “Will the real Slim Shady please stand up, please stand up!” McGonagall said pretending to hold a muggle microphone up to her mouth. Her other hand on her side, trying to keep her pants from falling off. She looked into her mirror to view her new outfit. She was wearing very baggy pants that came down to the floor, and a black t-shirt that read “Will the real Slim Shady…” on the front and, “Please stand up” on the back.

    “That song is so old school but it still bloody brilliant.” McGonagall said to herself.

     “Uhhh….Minerva? Are you feeling okay? You haven’t been acting like yourself lately,” the mirror asked her in concerned tone.

     “Well, if you must know you nosey, good for nothing mirror. Who’s only purpose in the world is to give me compliments and reflect my beautiful face…a few weeks ago I had to take up a Muggle CD and CD player from a Hufflepuff sixth year and out of curiosity, I decided to play it and find out what kind of music they were listening to. At first, I thought it was the most dreadful Satin-worshiping music in the world, but after I listened to it a few times, it sort of grew on me,” McGonagall explained to the mirror.

     “Oh…” the mirror replied. “I see…sort of.”

     “Well, off to get high with my homies!” McGonagall said. She glanced back at the mirror before she exited the room, it was wearing a face of complete shock and confusion. “God…Just kidding, take a chill-pill,” McGonagall said, “I’m going to my office to get my grade book and some tests that I have to grade.” She sighed and left the room.

*^*^*^*^*^*^Meanwhile*^*^*^*^*^*^*

In the Gryffindor Common Room…

    Fred, George, Harry, and Hermione sat around the fire laughing. Ron was amusing them yet again with Harry’s and his encounter with Snape that fateful night exactly one week ago.

     “HAHAHAHA!!!” Fred laughed.

     “This never gets old! I can’t believe you saw Snape…in a pink robe, singing ‘Lucky’, and warring a mask like Mum wares!!” George said in between breaths.

     Ron was pretending to strut around the Common Room when he suddenly stopped and asked, “Man…You know who would get a kick out of our story?!”

     “Who?” Hermione asked bewildered, “We have already told everyone in the like…whole school!”

    “Sirius!!” Harry said his eyes filled with excitement, “I forgot to owl and tell him!!”

     “Oh, yeah!! I bet he would absolutely love to hear it! Hermione laughed, “Man I would just love to see his reaction!!”

     “Well lets write him now!” Ron yelled.

    “Okay, I’ll go and get the cloak.” Harry said as he got up and started for the boys’ dormitory.

     “Sirius? Sirius Black?” Fred said as he stopped laughing and had a serious look on his face. (For once!)

     “Yeah…Sirius Black. The convicted murderer that escaped from Azkaban and is still on the run and he is still trying to kill me,” Harry said with a laugh.

     “Uhhh…okay…Sirius! I know him!” Fred and George said exchanging looks of concern.

     “I hope Snape decided to stay in his room tonight. I don’t think I could stand the sight of him in a pink robe and singing again.” Ron said as he pretended to gag himself.

     “Okay! Let’s go!” Harry said as he came back down from the boys’ dormitory with the invisibility cloak in hand.

     He, Ron and Hermione got under the cloak and exited the Common Room.

     They made their way up to the owlery as quietly as possible so that Filch or Mrs. Norris wouldn’t hear them. When they got up to the owlery, Harry took out a piece or parchment and wrote:

Dear Sirius-

You are never going to believe what me and Ron saw. Okay this is what happened, just try to picture it in your head. Ron and I were hungry right? So we decided to go down to the kitchens and sneak some treacle tarts. On our way back, guess who we ran into. No other then Severus ‘Wand up my butt’ Snape. But, this wasn’t the normal day-to-day Severus Snape. He was wearing…a pink robe, fuzzy slippers, and a mud mask like girl wears!! I know…I know, don’t laugh yet…it gets better. He was singing ’Lucky’ by that Muggle singer Britney Spears. He just wasn’t singing, he was strutting down the hall and pretending to interview himself!! No, wait it gets better. Ron and I were under the invisibility cloak and we made some noise. Snape thought it was…McGonagall!! And asked for dandruff-fighting shampoo and curlers. (Yes, Snape and curlers just don’t fit and I swear on Merlin’s Beard that we’re not making this up!) We will tell you what happened the next day when you send a reply…

From:

     Harry, Ron and Hermione

     They tied the letter to a barn owl and it flew off into the night sky. They left the owlery and headed back towards the Common Room.

     “Crap!” Harry said as he stopped walking and started to search though his pockets. “I forgot my quill in the owlery!”

     As they were debating on whether to go back and get Harry’s quill, Hermione thought for a brief moment that she heard the faint sound of someone singing.

    “Shut-up!” Hermione whispered to them. “What’s that noise?”

     Harry and Ron exchanged looks of dreadfulness. “What does it sound like?” Harry asked carefully.

     “Singing,” Hermione answered looking down the corridor.

     “Noooo!” Ron wailed as he buried his face into his hands. “Not again!”

     “Don’t panic…” Harry said to Ron who was, unfortunately…panicking.

    They all listened carefully. Then from down the corridor they heard someone saying the words:

‘Guess who’s back…

back again…

McGonagall’s back…

tell a friend…’

     “Oh no…not again…it’s a bloody curse!” Ron whispered frantically as he hid behind Harry who was had his eyes closed tightly.

     Suddenly, Hermione looked up just in time to see a very mysterious figure turn the corner. “That’s not Snape!” she said as she started poking Harry.

     “No!!!” Ron wailed quietly. “You don’t understand! I don’t want to see that again, I just might die!”

     Hermione continued to poke them trying to get them to see that the mysterious figure wasn’t wearing pink or singing Britney Spears.

‘I’ve crated a monster…

Cause nobody wants to see Minerva no more…

They want McGonagall I’m chopped liver…’

     “Wait…that doesn’t sound like Snape,” Harry whispered to Ron as he tried to get Ron to uncover his eyes. .

     “I don’t care! I don’t want to see it! I don’t want to see it!” Ron wailed again.

     “No! No! It’s not Snape…” Harry said to Ron.

     When Ron finally put his hands down, Hermione looked up just in time to see the figure use its wand to put a spotlight on itself. The figure started dancing around and conjured up a muggle microphone. She held it up to her mouth and rapped the words:

‘So the M.O.M. won’t let me be

let me be me so let me see

They try to shut me down on the uhh…ummm…Daily Prophie!

But it feels so empty without me!’

     Our Hogwarts trio stood there with a look to be a cross of shock and fright. ‘Professor McGonagall?” Hermione whispered. “My role model?” she said. She looked as if she was about to cry.

     “Nooo! Not McGonagall too!” Ron moaned, he looked at Harry and said, “Can we panic now?”

     All three of them turned their attention back to McGonagall who was now trying to pimp-walk down the corridor. She wasn’t doing a very good job, because she tripped over her baggy jeans and they fell to her knees as she fell to the ground. She got back up and said, “I’m cool…I’m cool. Nobody saw that.” she pulled her pants back up and pretended to wipe the dust off of her shoulder. “Nobody saw that…” she reassured her self.

     “Professor McGonagall! No, this isn’t her! She has to be under the Imperious Curse or something…this just isn’t her!” Hermione whimpered.

     “No, Hermione that isn’t the Imperious Curse…” Ron answered to Hermione.

     “HOW DO YOU KNOW IT’S NOT!?!?” Hermione whispered loudly.

     “Well…for one thing where is the person that is putting the curse on her?” Ron asked. Hermione shot a mean look at him, she was mad that she didn’t think of that.

    “I’d rather face Voldemort in full human form then see this,” Harry said shutting his eyes. They looked back up at McGonagall who now was rapping the words:

‘But sometimes the shit just seems, everybody just wants to discuss me…

So this must mean that I’m disgusting…

It’s just me, I’m just obscene.’

     Hermione let out another soft cry. McGonagall stopped in her tracks. She turned around and yelled, “Snape! Are you following me again? I told you! It’s over! Ever since you came into my office looking for dandruff-fighting shampoo and curlers!!!”

     Harry smiled a mischievous smile. Ron and Hermione said in unison, “No Harry!”

     “We could do this with Snape, but not with McGonagall, that’s just not right!” Ron moaned.

     “We’ll have another wicked story to tell your brothers!” Harry said to Ron.

     “Snape!” McGonagall yelled.

     “No, it’s not Snape, it’s…ummm…me, Albus! That’s who I am! I’m Albus! Yeah!” Harry said in a deep voice that sounded quite like Dumbledore’s. He said it loud enough for McGonagall to hear, and then he continued, “Good old Hoggy Warty Hogwarts Headmaster…Albus Dumbledore…your Headmaster!”

     “Oh…Albus!” McGonagall giggled.

     The three of them exchanged looks of pure horror. “Now look what you’ve done!” Ron said to Harry.

     “It’s not my fault. I didn’t know that she fancied…ewww…Dumbledore,” Harry explained looking sick. Then he continued, “Yes, it is I! Albus Dumbledore…your headmaster…! Yes it is the all-powerful, one who knows and sees all. The only wizard that Voldemort ever feared!” Harry started to chuckle.

     “Albus, are you feeling okay?” McGonagall asked him.

     “Yeah…I’m just fixing to go get…uhhh…high…with my…ummm…yeah! I’m just going to go get high!” Harry said in the same deep voice.

     “Oh…are you getting high with your homies too?” McGonagall asked, “But Albus, where did you get the weed?”

     “Uhhh…uhhh….Professor….ummm….Sprout! That’s it, yeah! Sprout! She has a…a weed…garden?” Harry said.

     “She does? Wicked!” McGonagall said getting excited.

     “My…own…uhhh…private…weed stock?” Harry said not knowing what he was saying.

     “Okay, Harry! That’s enough…no more!” Ron whispered. Hermione seemed close to tears.

     “Shut-up! Don’t ruin my fun!” Harry said.

     “How convenient…” McGonagall said as she started to look around, “Albus? Where are you?” she asked.

     “You can’t see me right now….I….umm…don’t have my makeup on?” Harry said. Then he turned to Ron and Hermione and said, “I didn’t know what to say! Did you have any better ideas?”

     “Oh, I perfectly understand!” McGonagall said as she started walking in the opposite direction.

     “You do?” Harry asked.

     “Of course!” McGonagall exclaimed.

     “Well, why don’t you come by my office tomorrow…and I’ll give you some of my…uhhh…private stock of ummm….weed?” Harry said to McGonagall, who cheered up as soon as she heard that. “We can get high before…classes!”

     “Alright, Albus. I have to go now. I have to go and get my grade book and some tests that I need to grade,” McGonagall explained as she headed towards her classroom.

     “Bye, Minnie!” Harry yelled as McGonagall started shaking her hips.

     “Ewww!!!!!” Ron screamed as they entered the Gryffindor Common Room and told Fred and George about their latest encounter with McGonagall.

^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^

    The next day, thirty minutes into Transfiguration Class McGonagall was nowhere to be found.

    “Maybe she’s getting high with Dumbledore,” Ron joked.

    A split second after Ron had said that, a quite happy McGonagall came through the door and said, “Forget lessons today! No lessons!”

    “But…but Professor, we were supposed to be going over our tests today! Remember, we took those tests yesterday!” Hermione said.

    “Oh…I didn’t feel like grading them last night!” McGonagall said pretending to wipe dust off of her shoulder. (Again)

     Hermione looked very hurt and disappointed.

    Then, Dumbledore came into the classroom, singing:

“This is no lie ie ie…

Me and my wizards getting high igh igh….

If you look up into the sky…ie…ie

You might see the snitch floatin bye ie…ie…”

     “Dumbly-dorr!” McGonagall said, throwing her hands up in the air and spinning around in her chair. “What’s up man?”

     “Micky G!! Hey girl!” Dumbledore said. “SILENCE!!!!” Dumbledore cried into the already silent room. Everyone looked around to see who was in trouble. Then Dumbledore yelled, “Just kidding…CLASS DISSMISSED!”

     As they were walking out of the Transfiguration Classroom Hermione asked, “Where they…high?”

     “Yes, Hermione I think they were,” Ron said looking scared.

     “Then, that means…that Dumbledore, does have a private weed stock,” Hermione said to them.

     They all heaved a big sigh and left for lunch to tell Fred and George.