It Was Always You

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Chapter 3: Confrontation

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The next morning, Remus and Tonks sat in the sunny kitchen and chatted as they lingered over their toast. They always made breakfast in the Muggle way out of habit, ever since Arthur had given them a Muggle toaster and kettle as wedding gifts. After two months the couple had finally felt brave enough to try and use them, and now it was a daily ritual. Tonks stood to refill the kettle in mid-sentence and as soon as her back was turned, Remus felt himself slip into a daze as his wife's voice faded to become background noise. He gripped his mug of tea and went over the previous day's encounter for what seemed like the hundredth time....

What the hell was I thinking? Agreeing to see Sirius.... Am I a complete idiot?

'Can I see you...please....'

I mean, how hard was it to say no?

'Please, Remus....'

He gritted his teeth and tightened his hold on his cup, barely realising that his fingers were whitening with the pressure.

Those dark chestnut eyes boring into him, surrounding him.... His name on those lips...Remus....

Remus....

"Remus?"

"Remus?"

He realised with a jolt that the voice was no longer in his mind, but coming from the other side of the kitchen. "What?" He quickly darted his attention back to Tonks.

She gazed at him for a moment with an unreadable expression on her face. "You weren't listening, were you?"

Remus racked his brain. What had she been talking about just now? Work? He scratched his head nervously. "Sorry, I - "

Tonks turned away and chewed on her lip. She knew that she had to say something now or this would keep hanging over them. It wouldn't just go away. She was silent for a few moments and Remus felt an uneasiness creep over him. Had she been reading his mind? No, no - she wasn't a Legilimens....

"I know what's been going on, Remus," she suddenly said softly.

Remus felt his stomach turn over.

He tried to control his breathing. "Wh-What are you talking about?" he asked, trying to keep his voice even.

"I'm not stupid, Remus." She put down the kettle and stared at the worktop for a long moment, as if trying to work out how to phrase her next sentence.

Remus felt his body stiffen and he fixed his gaze upon the mug in front of him, feeling the heat rise in his cheeks.

"I saw the way you looked that night."

Remus froze. "What night?" His voice was barely above a hoarse whisper.

"You know what night," Tonks replied softly. She inhaled a deep breath. "Harry and Draco's engagement party."

Oh God....

Remus' mouth went dry and he twined his fingers together, ready to deny everything....

Tonks sighed and turned to face her husband, clearly distraught. "I'm so sorry! I ruined everything, didn't I? I didn't mean to behave like that...."

Remus did a double take. What?

Tonks started to wring her hands together. "I should never have got so drunk.... I acted like a complete idiot. Coming home and falling on you like that. Waking up still in my clothes. I'm old enough to know better. I'm sorry." Her words all came out in a rush and she gave her husband a deeply apologetic look.

Remus could have sighed aloud at the relief. He felt his heart jolt back into rhythm again and it took him a few moments to find his voice. "Oh, er - "

But once Tonks had started, she couldn't stop. "You've been acting really odd since that night, and I just know that it's because you're ashamed of me. God, I must have really embarrassed you...." She flushed a little.

"No!" Remus spluttered. "I mean, er, no - of course not. I've only been acting a bit off because I " - he searched his mind for a plausible explanation - "because I actually had quite a bit to drink myself," he finished.

Tonks looked taken aback. Then she suddenly smirked. "Really?"

Remus looked at her and swallowed. "Really. My head's been feeling like I've had a few rounds with a hippogriff," he lied. "I still haven't recovered." He gave her a weak smile.

She giggled loudly. "And there I was thinking that you were upset by my unladylike behaviour," she gloated, "but instead, you had a ranging hangover!" She seemed to find this quite funny and a loud snort escaped her as she turned to face the kettle once again.

Remus turned back to his tea and buried his head in his hands, hating himself for lying to her.

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Later the next day, Remus checked his reflection and frowned. He rolled his sleeves a little, pushing them half way up his forearms. He then scowled at himself and unrolled them again, unable to decide which looked better. Suddenly realising what he was doing, he rolled his eyes at himself. For goodness sake, the length of my sleeves isn't going to make any difference. A distant thought invaded his mind for a fleeting second. You've got incredible arms, Remus.... He blinked and shook the thought from his head.

A pair of arms suddenly wrapped around his waist from behind and a mop of crimson hair appeared beside him, causing him to jump a little. "Mmmm...you smell nice...." Tonks nuzzled into his neck and planted a soft kiss just below his ear. She grinned at his groomed reflection and raised an eyebrow teasingly. "New top...aftershave...should I be jealous?" She laughed at his mortified expression and kissed him on the cheek. "I'm only kidding! Don't look so frightened!" She giggled to herself and released him, her grinning reflection disappearing from its place in the mirror beside his. "Going anywhere special?" she asked.

Remus cleared his throat and spoke a little too quickly. "No! Just...just popping out," he replied. "To Harry's," he added as an afterthought.

"Say hi," she said before sweeping through the doorway.

"Yeah," he mumbled. He looked at his expression with disgust. Once he started lying it was so easy to continue. Without a backward glance he grabbed a handful of Floo powder, threw it into the fireplace and stepped inside....

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Sirius glanced at the clock and felt his heart slowly sink. Remus wasn't coming. Of course he isn't, you fool - what did you expect? his mind taunted him bitterly. Why would he want to see you? He's probably with his wife.... Sirius angrily thumped his fist down hard on the mantelpiece and strode to the other end of the room, throwing himself into a chair. He'd been such an idiot, staying away all those years, believing that when he came back everything would just click back into place. What a fool.... He rested his elbows on his knees and raked his fingers through his hair. He'd been prepared for everything - the questions, the anger, the bitterness...everything.

Everything except that damned wedding ring.

Married. He felt like he'd been kicked in the stomach.

A sudden whirring noise caused him to stiffen and he straightened his body, jumping from the chair. The fireplace flickered once, twice, and seconds later Remus appeared. He glanced nervously around him as he brushed himself off and stepped tentatively into the room -

Face to face with Sirius.

Remus noticed how his hair hung in messy, tousled waves as if he had been dragging his hands through it, or had just got out of bed - Remus reddened and quickly extinguished that thought. Sirius was dressed in black trousers and an open-necked white shirt that skimmed lightly over his chest before clinging to him in ways that Remus felt he really shouldn't be noticing.

Remus wiped his palms down his sides and stood there awkwardly. What was he supposed to do? Shake his hand? Smile? His tongue felt as if it was stuck to the roof of his mouth.

Sirius' eyes softened as the man stepped into the room and that steady drawl escaped his lips. "I thought you wouldn't come."

That makes two of us.

He stopped and looked at Remus and his voice lowered to almost a whisper. "It's good to see you, you know...."

Remus stared at him and felt the colour drain from his cheeks. What was he supposed to say? Why did you leave? Where the hell have you been? Nice weather?

Sirius, too, suddenly looked at a loss for words. He had gone over and over it a thousand times or more in his mind, but now - standing face to face with Remus - he just couldn't find the words. I was an idiot was probably a good place to start. I was a fool...I can't live without you....

Remus cleared his throat. "So...when did you get back here?" He flicked his gaze towards the other man. "To England, I mean."

"The night I saw you."

"Oh."

"I hadn't meant to arrive so late, though...." Sirius continued softly. "I didn't mean to burst in and startle you like that."

Well isn't that nice of you, Remus thought bitterly. "And there I was thinking that you wanted to make a grand entrance," he challenged.

Sirius laughed hollowly. "No, I just took ages getting ready before I arrived." Because I knew you'd be there....

His eyes flicked reflexively to Remus' bare forearms and travelled over the contours of his muscles, and they both suddenly felt the temperature in the room increase. Sirius moved a little closer and they felt the air prickle between them. He tried to say something but as he looked across at the other man his breath caught in his chest. A sudden waft of air caused Remus' aftershave to drift over him and it threw him completely.

Remus became increasingly uncomfortable with the proximity. He shifted his weight a little. "How long are you staying?"

Heavy brown eyes regarded him for a moment. "That depends."

"On what?" Remus asked, his heart in his mouth.

Sirius looked into his eyes and paused before answering. "On you."

"What?" Remus gasped. What was Sirius playing at? "You - you can't just come back here and expect us to pick up where we left off!" he spluttered. "I've got a new life, I can't just drop - "

He stopped suddenly, noticing Sirius' slightly embarrassed look.

The taller man coughed slightly. "I think you misunderstood me. I only meant that I'd like to stay a bit longer. You know, for Harry's wedding and everything. But only if it won't bother you. My being around, that is."

Remus felt his stomach plop into his boots and he mentally kicked himself. Oh God.... He felt like such a fool. Sirius had probably enjoyed that, seeing Remus squirm. He stared at the floor and felt himself blush furiously, hating himself for letting Sirius see his embarrassment. But if Remus had looked upwards, he would have seen that Sirius wasn't smirking at all. He would have seen the pain in his eyes, and the look that disappeared a split second before Remus raised his head to gaze at him.

"So that's all you wanted to ask me?" Remus asked tightly.

No.

Sirius turned away and nodded his head, feeling like a coward.

A flicker of hurt crossed Remus' face and he felt his eyes prickle a little. He swallowed and muttered to the ground in a low voice. "You can do what you like...it doesn't bother me either way." And with that he turned to leave.

But as he placed his hand on the fireplace he suddenly felt an indignant flame rise in his chest. He couldn't explain where it had come from, but suddenly he didn't want to go. He had a right to some answers. Who the hell was Sirius to make him feel like a fool? Who the hell was he to order Remus to come here and then tell him absolutely nothing? What was Remus? A puppet? He turned back to the other man, stony-faced, and looked him determinedly in the eye. After a few moments Sirius began to feel uncomfortable under the icy gaze. Just when Sirius began to flounder, Remus spoke, his voice betraying the anger he felt.

"Do you have any idea what it was like? To have you just leave like that?"

Sirius remained silent and his lower lip started to tremble very slightly.

Remus's voice rose. "Did you even care?" He laughed bitterly and turned away. "What am I saying? Of course you didn't. Why else would you not bother to even contact me?"

"Well it obviously took you a long time to get over it," Sirius retorted coldly, looking pointedly at Remus' wedding ring.

Remus whirled around to face him, his eyes flashing as his anger rose. "Five years, Sirius! FIVE! Did you expect me to just sit around waiting?"

"You knew where I was!"

"Oh come off it, you just upped and left. Just like that! You packed your bags and went off to Hungary, telling me you needed some time to think - "

"Yeah, and you didn't come after me!" The words left Sirius' mouth before he realised what he was saying. His face fell and he turned away, obviously regretting his outburst. He thumped the wall in anger and flopped down onto the chair desolately, his head in his hands, his chest heaving. "You didn't come after me," he repeated hollowly, his hands partially muffling the words.

Remus froze. What? He sank onto the chair behind him, trying to comprehend the words. His mind whirred at the sudden outburst and he could feel his heart thump against his ribcage. "All that time...you wanted me to - ?" he whispered. "I thought you didn't want me near you. Why else - why else would you leave?"

"When you didn't come to find me, I thought you didn't want me after all," Sirius mumbled defensively, resting his elbows on his knees.

"WHAT? When you LEFT, I thought YOU didn't want ME!" Remus covered his eyes and a strangled voice escaped his trembling lips. "God, Sirius, don't do this to me. Don't tell me this now." He shook his head hopelessly. "I don't think I can deal with this...."

"Alright, alright," Sirius whispered. "So I acted like an idiot...." He raised his head a little and gave Remus a sad smile. "I never did have much sense when it came to you...." His gaze dropped to the floor once more and he sighed heavily. Remus looked at the man and his heart nearly ripped in two. Sirius had never looked more broken than he did right now. He felt an overwhelming urge to put his arms around him and hold him. His eyes softened and he raised himself from his chair. Three strides was all it took before he was hovering over the desolate man.

"Sirius - "

Remus reached out a tentative hand and placed it on his shoulder lightly, unsure if he was doing the right thing. Sirius inhaled deeply and covered the hand with his own, but still didn't face him. In that instant Remus almost felt his knees buckle. The man's very touch was electrifying - just the feel of his skin made him shiver. He had to bite his lip just to steady his breathing as Sirius' hand moved over his gently, caressing him, lacing their fingers together ever so slightly before letting his hand fall away again.

The precious contact gone, Remus snatched his arm away, feeling as though they had just done something incredibly intimate. His fingers still tingling, he raised his hand to his own cheek. He had touched Tonks a hundred times before, but never had she made him feel like this....

He cleared his throat and stared at the ground, knowing for certain that if he so much as looked at Sirius, he wouldn't be able to form the words. He took a deep breath. "Things are different now...." Remus closed his eyes and continued, his whole body trembling. "I - I'm married."

Sirius nodded, his head still in his hands.

"I - "

"Don't," Sirius suddenly said hoarsely, standing up slowly and wiping his face on his sleeve. He turned to face Remus and smiled sadly. "Don't." His eyes were red and his tear-stained cheeks suddenly seemed more hollow. Remus couldn't take his eyes off him, his heart filling with a throbbing, aching sensation that he couldn't even begin to describe. He opened his mouth to speak, not even sure what words were going to come out, but Sirius silenced him with a gesture.

"I know what you're going to say," Sirius whispered, looking into his eyes tenderly. "I know what you're going to say...and I don't think I can bear to hear it."

Remus actually felt his heart break at the words. Sirius ran a shaky hand through his straggly hair and held Remus' gaze for a long moment, as if trying to remember his face, every line, every scar, the way the light reflected in those deep brown eyes.... Unable to bear it anymore, Sirius turned abruptly and walked towards the door. There was nothing easy or confident about his walk, nothing of the swagger that Remus knew by heart.

"Wait!" Remus suddenly shouted, as startled as Sirius when the command left his mouth.

Sirius froze, not daring to turn around.

Remus faltered. He found he didn't know what to say. All he knew was that he couldn't let him leave. Not like this. He wanted so desperately to touch him...hold him...stroke his hair, pull him close -

But he just stood there awkwardly. He knew what he wanted to do...he just had no idea what to say....

Sirius' lip trembled slightly and he whispered at the floor. "I really blew it, didn't I?"

And without a backward glance he walked towards the door, opened it, and left.

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