Haunt Me Everyday

Waking up is the best, yet worst thing I could do to myself. Waking up takes me out of the land of dreams where I can't escape into the land of nightmares, where I reside. I don't feel the joy in life, only the pain. Faces in my dream cry out that they need me, as I walk by them, alone. Wakefulness isn't much better.

Walking into the bathroom for a morning routine includes ignoring the mirror, lest I see faces there, pleading for me to save them. I've even taken to ignoring shiny surfaces after I learned that they appear there, tears streaming, faces in pain. Walking down the hall, I see Hermione waving goodbye to me as I left Hogwarts to find Voldemort. He had been waiting for that move. I never saw her after that and I'm glad. At least her face isn't among the many that are sad or in pain, or dying with me being unable to do anything about it. I don't know whether it's true, but I imagine her death being quick, no pain or fear about it. It helps me cope a bit with losing her. She fades as I near her, always out of reach to ease my pain. My head hangs down and I try not to see any one else as I get to the kitchen.

Toast is the best I can get myself to eat, it seems as if I'm perpetually sick these days. Putting the bread in the toaster, I glance at the shiny side and quickly inhale. This time I see Ron, cradled in my arms, eyes drooping as the blood gushes from his wound. He's telling me to go on and forget about him for now, get the job done so that no one will have to live with the alarm and terror we did. He hands me his ring and his body grows colder as I held him there, wishing him to come back. A spell near his head snaps me out of the reverie and I have to drop his body to continue into the fray. The vision of Ron's body fades from the side of the toaster as it pops the toast out, burnt at the edges. My stomach roils in upset as I put a little butter on my bread, hands slightly shaking. The feeling in my stomach intensifies and I drop my knife to dash to the bathroom.

Washing my face afterwards, I make the mistake of looking in the mirror. There in the mirror is my father instead of me. His hair the same, his glasses a bit more square and a sad smile on his face. Before I can turn away, Sirius and Remus join him. All of them wear sad smiles on their faces, trying not to be like the others, but I know. I know they're all silently questioning, "Why didn't you save me? I thought we meant something to you, how come you couldn't save us?" I feel the bile come up in my throat again, and the next time I'm washing my face, their accusing ones have vanished. I sigh in relief.

My days are spent weaving in and out of a daze. I'm alone in this life, if you could call it that. I haven't learned how to stop this from happening. My nurse enters my room where I lay, confused and wondering what it real, to hand me my pills. I take them without question, not even caring if they help anymore. All of my friends are gone, even people that I had claimed to hate haunt me.

They haunt me everyday, eating at my heart, never leaving me.