Pond Ice

    The first light of the morning, still white and unstained, tickled Remus Lupin’s foot, the one poking off the end of the bed, shrouded in red sheets.

    It ran like bleach up the lumps of his legs under the bedclothes, illuminating the rise and fall of his chest.

    The radiance splashed onto his face, shining there like drops of dew in the morning. It gilded his eyelashes, turned the tip of his nose and his cheeks to gold.

    It made his long, messy, soft, dirty-blond hairs glow against the satin pillow.

    And it illuminated the dark hairs, equally long but so much coarser, of the boy lying beside him.

    Sirius Black blinked awake. He could not have moved if he had wanted to, for fear of disturbing Remus. His right cheek was on his friend’s chest, his head rising and falling to Lupin’s peaceful breathing. Their hands were clasped.

    They were alone, or they should have been. Lily was there, her red hair like flame around her forlorn face. And Snape stood over them as well, black hair like a widow’s cloak. He looked so unsurprised though all his gloom, as though the doom he had foreseen had arrived. And James was yelling at them all.

    Remus’ eyes opened slowly. His vision was blurry, but he hardly bothered to blink. He could still see the remorse in Severus’ eyes, taste his tongue, feel the tenderness of the bruises on the insides of his thighs. James was yelling about friendship, what it was worth, betrayal, nothing, and Sirius was crying, holding Lily’s hand, nursing a gash on his shoulder from James’ wand.

    And then it was gone. He was back in his bed, alone with Sirius’ head on his chest, sunlight shining on Padfoot’s open, bruise blue and grey eyes. His friend’s eyes fluttered shut; Remus affectionately kissed him awake. That should have been enough to change everything, but it wasn’t. How could it be? There was, after all, nothing affectionate about what they were doing. They loved each other, but hated that so much they pushed it aside, found new partners, forgot why they felt this way, here, now.

    Sirius grinned sleepily, kissed back, sat up, stretched. “Nice moves last night, Rem,” he said, shrugging his robes on. The tears in Lily’s eyes were still there, her hair a tangled mess of lusty sweat, the slap he’d received still burning on his cheek.

    Remus giggled, studying his partner in the raw, just Sirius in his black school robes, hair a mess. He grinned back. “You too.”

    James woke up to find both their beds empty, rolled his eyes, dressed alongside Frank Longbottom. “If those two don’t beat all,” said Frank. “Up at all hours, gone early. You don’t think-”

    James cut him off. “I try not to, but I know.”

    Frank took the hint and brushed his hair, poked his wand at his pimples. James was in one of his moods again, suspicious with good reason, angry. He hated when his friends left him to walk hand-in-hand through the school in broad daylight, as if they couldn’t be seen.

    The next night found Sirius’ hair mixed with ruby curls. Stripped down, writhing under the covers, there was nothing romantic to it. They knew it was wrong. But they both needed it, all the same.

    Lily had thick hair, green eyes, paper-white skin. Right how her hair was sweat-soaked, her eyes closed, her skin like unbreakable porcelain.

    A stranger could have seen that this was not the first time they had slept together. Lily had had tens of times before this to feel Sirius out, his quirks, hot spots, what turned him on more than anything. She knew to slide her tongue up the shaft before taking the head into her mouth, knew to keep her eyes open when they kissed - it got him up.

    And he knew everything about her, what she liked. He knew to start out fast, slow down for three, four minutes, just to tease her, keep her inches away from orgasm, then bring it all out in one burst.

    She screamed in pleasure. He dragged his tongue between her legs, along her stomach, between her breasts; sucked. Found his way back up to her lips.

    She was doing this she would never have dreamed doing with-

    No. Tonight was for her, and Sirius, no matter what anyone said. Maybe it was wrong, but Sirius was able to give her so much more than James.

    Inside, she hated herself for it.

    “This is so…wrong,” said Remus, stretched out on emerald sheets. His left hand fingered a lock of smooth jet hair. It’s not really greasy after all, he thought to himself.

    “But right,” Severus said. “Have you told your boyfriend about us?”

    Remus groaned inwardly, kissed Severus on the cheek. “Not yet. Does it matter?”

    “Hasn’t it always? Isn’t this how this all started, anyway?”

    Remus sighed, his head rising to his - friend’s? - breathing. “I suppose I’d just forgotten.”

    “Well,” said Snape, running a finger along Remus’ bare chest. “I haven’t. I remember finding you crying - yes, crying - somewhere on the grounds, and thinking to myself, ‘Perhaps - now, when he’s weak-”

    “Hey!”

    “You contradict me?”

    “Nah.”

    “Of course you don’t,” said Snape. “Anyway, I said to myself, “Maybe I can pull this off now,’ and next thing I know, you’re in my arms, letting me kiss you. I miss that.”

    “You miss me crying? Thanks, Sev.”

    “You,” said Severus, “are an insolent little Gryffindor, and I like you that way.” He jabbed his thumbs into his chest. “I’m in control.”

    “I’m no one’s lapdog,” said Remus, slapping the Slytherin playfully.

    “Shame.”

    “Let’s not go there. This is too nice to ruin.”

    They kissed, hands entwining quickly. They instinctively knew when to pull away.

    “Sirius’ll kill you when he finds out, you know.”

    “Ah,” said Severus, smirking. It reminded Remus of James’ grin. “Not if I get him first.”

    “Really, Sev,” said Remus warningly. “Do we have to do this? When it comes down to it, this - us - will end.”

    “I know.”

    There was a long silence, so deep and penetrating that misery seemed to seep from every pore in their bodies.

    “I don’t think I want it to end,” said Severus, his dark eyes suddenly overbright.

    Remus tilted his head thoughtfully. “Me neither. But…I love Sirius. More than you can ever understand.”

    Severus shook his head, and a bulbous tear settled under his eye. “But I do understand. I understand because…that’s how I feel about you.”

    Remus was crying now too, trying to blink the tears away but failing. “He’s my best friend.”

    “You’re my only friend. I love you.”

    Lupin kissed the other boy softly on the lips, gentle love, almost brotherly in an inane way, pulsing between them. But all he could feel was Severus' words, ‘You’re my only friend…my only friend. I love you…love you.”

~

    The next night found Sirius holding some other girl, some Ravenclaw, good in bed, though he didn’t know her name.

    It found Remus in the moonlight. Two nights before full moon, Lupin speculated. He was bathed in shining radiance, the closest he would ever be to silver. The moon shone against his bright eyes.

    The night after that, the last night before full moon, the last night of the waxing gibbous, was the night everything broke.

    “You foul beast!” yelled Sirius, a droplet of spit hitting Remus on the jaw line.

    Remus looked despondently up. “I’m…sorry.”

    “Do sorries change what happened?” The wind picked up speed and bent the blades of grass over backward, and the Whomping Willow thrashed only half-heartedly against the breeze. The lights from the castle, so close, seemed faraway and distant to both boys.    

    “Do they help what you did to James? To me?”

    “I asked you first!”

    “Then…no. They don’t. But then, nothing changes what happened.”

    “Then don’t apologize to me if it won’t help anything!”

    “I’d pound your face into the ground, Sirius, if I could.”

    “Why can’t you?”

    “Because I love you.”

    Sirius stared at his quiet friend for a long moment, wanting to not care and not let these words mesh into his mind, but he failed. He blinked, ever so slightly, and a smooth pearl fell from his left eye. He didn’t say anything, but Remus understood.

    They looked up at the same moment to see a dark haired figure crossing the school lawns.

    “Get out of it, Snivellus!” snapped Sirius.

    “Sirius,” said Remus warningly.

    “Don’t try and make me stop!” spat Sirius. “Look at what he did to you, me, us! You expect me to forgive him for ever besmirching your perfect lips with his own, to-”

    “I love him,” said Severus slowly, eyes shining, but looking at the Gryffindor bravely.

    “I expect you do,” said Sirius menacingly. “I suppose you told him that when you were alone, told him I was a traitor, a cheater, that you were the only one who cared. I imagine that when you kissed him you saw Voldemort killing him, that-”

    “Stop,” said Remus softly, but it was followed by an astonished silence. “No, Sirius, he never said anything like that. Not once. He knew, as well as I did, that my life with him would end one day. He understands.”

    “Then why is he here?”

    “To say good-bye,” said Snape. He looked clearer than ever, stunningly crisp, and he turned his gaze onto Remus. “Well…so it has come, like you told me, though I neglected to believe. But no worries. The end is not merely the conclusion of something, but the beginning of something else.” He sighed. “It was never about the kisses, or the secret, or the romance for me,” he whispered, tentatively stepping closer to Remus. “It was about pure love, friendship, unbreakable brotherhood. I love you,” he said. “And I will never forget. Good-bye.”

    He strode away into the night until the black shadow of the castle had enveloped him.

    James and Lily came down from the castle next. “What’s going on?”

    “He knows, Lily,” said Sirius.

    “Knows what?” asked James.

    “Er-”

    “I’ve been cheating on you,” she said finally, her voice oddly muffled.

    “What?”

    “With Sirius.”

    There was a long silence, awkward, and hatred pulsed from James. He wrapped his arm around Lily, hugging her to him.

    “I don’t blame you, of course.”

    Sirius glared at James but didn’t say anything.

    “But, James, I-”

    “Shut up.”

    She stopped speaking and looked slowly up at him, her red hair perfect in it’s trembling audaciousness.

    “James, listen to her. She’s your girlfriend. If you can’t listen to me, listen to Lily.”

    He looked back down at her, releasing her slightly from his tight hold. “Sorry. I don’t blame you. I’m sure it’s not your fault. In fact, I can’t believe my so-called best friend would do something like that.”

    “James,” she said softly. “My Jamie-”

    “Don’t call me that.”

    “Listen,” she said. “It’s not Sirius’ fault, it’s-”

    “Lily, don’t,” whispered Sirius.

    “Shut up, Black,” said James. His friend nodded courteously.

    “It’s not Sirius’ fault,” she continued. “It’s mine. I said, I said, ‘C’mon Sirius, James’ll never know, just one night…’”

    “Just one night?”

    “It just…snowballed from there.”

    Remus stood away from the group slightly, the wind to his back, blowing his hair into his eyes, softening the dirty-blond locks with fresh air. He was alone, or he should have been. Lily was there, her red hair like flame around her forlorn face. And Snape’s face was there as well, black hair like a widow’s cloak. He looked so unsurprised though all his gloom, as though the doom he had foreseen had arrived. And James was yelling at them all.

    For the first time that night, he saw Sirius, truly saw him. Looking James in the eye, though it obviously hurt him. His coarse hair falling into his eyes.

    “I’m sorry, James,” said Sirius, and Remus looked up, remembering what Padfoot had said earlier that night about apologies.

    “That’s a load of shit,” said James angrily, letting Lily go and pointing his wand at Sirius. “If you were sorry, you’d never have slept with her, would you have?”

    “I’m sorry!” yelled Sirius, the words echoing around the grounds. “What more do you want?” He sighed, his voice quieting to a whisper. “You heard what Lily said, didn’t you? Now, I admit I was wrong,” he continued, his voice rising to a steady growl again. “But I have always considered you to be my best friend-” His eyes flicked onto Lupin for a moment. “-and I cannot offer you more than my apologies. Please,” he added. “Please try to understand. Remus has been-”

    “Keep Moony out of this!”

    Remus looked away.

    “He cheated on me too, James!” said Sirius, almost pushing that Ravenclaw girl out of his mind.

    There was a pause, uncomfortable for all, and then James said, “That’s no reason, but I suppose…if I must…we are best friends and all…I forgive you.” He paused. “If you promise to never do it again.”

    “Of course not,” said Sirius, though it was muffled against his friend’s shoulder.

    “Sorry about that, Rem.”

    “No worries,” said Remus, shaking his head slightly. There would be no point in pursuing more of an apology.

    There were hugs all around, including an uncomfortable one between Lily and Sirius which James broke up quickly, and then James and Lily departed into the night, awkwardly kissing in their happy drunkenness as the darkness swallowed them up.

    Remus and Sirius were alone now, truly alone, in the gathering night. It was the first time they had been isolated together from all else in so many months.

    As they kissed by the platinum moonlight, Remus realized that

    Love is like pond ice. From a distance, it looks to be pure white and solid, but upon closer observation, it is not as pale as you once suspected, nor as stable as you imagined. The dark depths of the pond, and it’s mysterious denizens, cloud the white surface, blackening it in places.

    But if you have the right shoes and someone whose hand to hold, you can skate across it, though you will never have any control over whether or not the ice breaks. If it cracks in one place, even a tiny scratch along the surface, more fractures will appear, stretching out in every direction until you are floating away on your own tiny ice berg, your hands tearing apart from theirs.

    It will not be long, if you are lucky, before rain or snow fall into the cracks and melds them together again, leaving long pallid scars of pearl behind.