The Perfect Secret

Started/Finished: 27th July 2002/27th July 2002.
Dedication: To Queenie, for her birthday.

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The Perfect Secret
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I hate the way he always looks so awkward when he talks to me. It's like he is just ashamed he ever associates with me. I know I should just forget about him, and only know him in a professional capacity, but I can't, I just can't.

Maybe I did something bad in a past life, and am being punished? Don't I punish myself enough to make up for it? Harry Potter saved me, called me a friend, used to talk to me all the time. Only now, it just seems like he treats it like a chore. Something that he really does not want to do.

That just crushes me inside.

I know what the others say. They say I should just get over it, we are both too different for it to work. I should just find another boy, one like me, and then everything would be perfect.

Perfect.

Nothing could be perfect without Harry, he is a beam of sunshine in a world of grimy greys.

Once, just once I want him to look at me, and tell me how much I mean to him, how much he needs me.

It must be nice to be needed.

Sure, others say they 'need' me. In reality, they need me as much as they need any other being that assists them along their different pathways in life.

I think on some level I must like being used. Is this wrong?

I should hit myself for that. Of course it's wrong to enjoy being used for others pleasure!

If I could just have one night. One! Then when the time comes for me to die, I will have no regrets. None at all! Not one single regret, for I will have done the only thing I have ever wanted.

His best friends are always nice to me, but I can never feel anything but bitterness and annoyance. Why, why, do they get to be friends with my Harry? Who does mock me so? And they are nice people! It's not like they are horrible ogres who do not deserve such friendship. They do! They do! I could just weep at the uncharitable thoughts I have towards people who are more nice to me than I deserve.

If they knew I wanted to spend my nights wrapped around my Harry, they would be repulsed. Horrified. They would never come to see me, or speak to me in the hallways.

I do not think I could bear it, should they never speak to me again.

I crave attention sometimes. I never got much when I was small, and now all I want is the attention of one Harry Potter. I doubt he will ever give it to me though.

Good, kind, generous, brave Harry. Harry who always has a kind word for nearly everyone. Harry who I want to make moan with pleasure, and keep awake all night. That Harry.

That Harry whom I will never be able to tell how I feel to, even though I see him just about every day.

And we talk! It is fantastic that we talk!

But that is all we will ever be able to do. Talk.

Here he comes. I have to act natural. He can't know I spend my nights fingering myself to his memory. Wishing that it was him making me feel that way. Him I want to do the same to.

"Hello, Harry Potter."

"Hello, Dobby."

*

Love me love me
say that you love me
fool me fool me
go on and fool me
love me love me
pretend that you love me
leave me leave me
just say that you need me
So I cry, and I beg for you to ...
Love me love me
say that you love me
leave me leave me
just say that you need me
I can't care 'bout anything but you...

"Lovefool" by The Cardigans

Fini.

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*grins* No one saw that coming, did they? Happy birthday Queenie.